LORILEEPAGE   52,446
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LORILEEPAGE's Recent Blog Entries

You May Relate if You've Ever had Mania

Saturday, April 12, 2014

I am so relieved my hubby looked up a trick to reset something in my computer so it wouldn't stall out each time I'm in the middle of typing things. I was just so annoyed by how slow it was, that I haven't taken time to write! Blogs especially! I have things to catch up on with you all, but the main thing I want to do is thank all of you, my spark friends who are so generous with your encouraging words.

I have been struggling for two weeks with mania, but I have taken a bit more of a certain med to slow me down and that with very deliberately being very selective about how active I let myself be each day, I have actually had a more calm mind and am able to control how loud and fast and constant I have been talking. (One of my mania signs) I had made a list the other day of all the signs of mania I realized were being manifest in my life for a couple of weeks. There were 17! Then I decided to do whatever possible to not let it go on as it used to. It's been 7 years since my last manic episode, after having had several per year for a couple of decades.

Taking medicine is a very important thing in my health plan. I found that since it has been nice out in the evenings lately, I'd been taking quick paced walks and wound up winding up my mind so it was not easy to settle down for bed. I decided that I have to workout earlier. It sure is tempting to walk in the evening though. For example, right now at 7 pm it looks so pretty out, blue sky and the leaves are a spring green. warm air...

but i also must get off the computer. I have been too consumed with my Pinterest and Facebook accounts, and have had a hard time focusing on reading. Focusing on reading is super difficult when my mind is busy during mania.

I have been keeping every moment of every day booked up with activities. Not resting or taking me time. Not taking time to say hello to you all. This may not be considered a problem for any of you, after all busyness can help keep metabolism up. But for a manic-depressive person like me it can be a danger sign. I will rev up and up until I am not sleeping at all, (I've been waking every hour and sleeping 3-4 hours less than the amount my body requires usually) and then the worst thing happens, the bottom falls out and I become depressed and suicidal.

Pray for me I don't crash into depression this time! emoticon

So, Lori, get OFF the computer!

Good Night everyone!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEZCATHY 4/15/2014 11:43AM

    Pinterest and Facebook consume me too! There are many things I am lax about, but things I am very consumed with too (like those two). Another is dishes in the sink...I HATE that! Dog hair doesn't bother me though, lol. I know you can stay strong to not let depression take over. I also have bouts of it. I have to force myself to shake it off. Look at the wonderful families God has given us and all of His other gifts. I remember how MUCH I have and it really helps with the depression. Plus writing it out in my blogs really helps too (until some jerk comes along and criticizes me, but I am getting better at ignoring/blocking them). I will ALWAYS be here for you. Will keep you in my prayers for God to send his angels to watch over you and keep you strong!

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KNYAGENYA 4/14/2014 1:58PM

    I work at a crisis hotline and get several manic calls a night. It's great that you can recognize your signs. emoticon

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KANOE10 4/13/2014 1:14PM

    I will keep you in my prayers. I hope your medication helps you through this hard period. It sounds like you are doing a good job of identifying your symptoms and are trying really hard to take care of yourself.


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CHRISTINATODAY 4/13/2014 5:17AM

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I know what you are dealing with. Sounds like you're taking good steps and thinking it all through. Know you can mail me if you think it'd help.

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 4/13/2014 1:33AM

    Hope you get things under control soon and are feeling more and more comfortable. emoticon

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CASTIRONLADY 4/12/2014 11:39PM

    Sleep tight and God bless your rest. emoticon

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_JODI404 4/12/2014 9:09PM

    Oh Lori, you definitely have my prayers!!

I wish you only the best. Wow, you've gone so long now, 7 years! That is amazing!

It sounds like you have done a good analysis of the situation and have some solid ideas of how to handle it and improve your situation. I hope that you can swing the pendulum back to feeling calm and content.

You are NOT alone!! Facebook can be addictive to many! I try not to go on Pinterest too often, because I just know I could lose hours on there!


Good night my dear friend. I hope you can sleep well! You & I both KNOW how important that is to our health and well being -- mental & physical!

Take care!!

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CHERYL_ANNE 4/12/2014 8:34PM

    Good on you for recognizing the signs and taking steps! You got this.

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SLIMMERJESSE 4/12/2014 7:21PM

    Sweet dreams. Take care.

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Tender Moments with Grandkids and Family/ My Victories

Saturday, April 05, 2014

So many of you gave me great encouragement when I posted the blog on my granddaughter calling me fat. I hope that in a day or two after the dust has settled here, I will give you personal thanks. I am happy most of you agree that being called snuggly is better than a lot of other things I could be called. It conjures up memories of cuddling with my grandparents and great aunts.

After tomorrow, all the overnights here at the Page house will be over. I have been in high gear all week. I have never put forth such a concerted effort to be the best grandma I can, to strive to create memories for the kids that they will cherish. I know the effect on me is that I felt very rewarded by their loving responses to the care I gave them.

I treasure especially the minutes I spent late last night helping the 3 and 4 year olds wind down to sleep. We had kids in two guest bedrooms, so the little ones ended up on air mattresses on the living room floor. They are more used to the guest rooms, but we tried this. They were overtired, hadn't napped for two days, plus it was near 11 when they got under blankets. (bad grandparents, haha!--These cousins don't see each other often enough, so their parents didn't mind.)

When I put them down, I sang to 3 year old Daisy. She likes TwinkleTwinkle which I sang to her mommy as a baby. I sang is with the usual words one time through, softly, and then made up words about little Daisy under the blankets getting sleepy etc, and one more time regular So many of you gave me great encouragement when I posted the blog on my granddaughter calling me fat. I hope that in a day or two after the dust has settled here, I will give you personal thanks. I am happy most of you agree that being called snuggly is better than a lot of other things I could be called. It conjures up memories of cuddling with my grandparents and great aunts.

After tomorrow, all the overnights here at the Page house will be over. I have been in high gear all week. I have never put forth such a concerted effort to be the best grandma I can, to strive to create memories for the kids that they will cherish. I know the effect on me is that I felt very rewarded by their loving responses to the care I gave them.

I treasure especially the minutes I spent late last night helping the 3 and 4 year olds wind down to sleep. We had kids in two guest bedrooms, so the little ones ended up on air mattresses on the living room floor. They are more used to the guest rooms, but we tried this. They were overtired, hadn't napped for two days, plus it was near 11 when they got under blankets. (bad grandparents, haha!--These cousins don't see each other often enough, so their parents didn't mind.)

When I put them down, I sang to 3 year old Daisy. She likes TwinkleTwinkle which I sang to her mommy as a baby. I sang it with the usual words one time through, softly, and then made up words about little Daisy under the blankets getting sleepy etc, and one more time regular words. Then 4 year old Ajax gave me 3 possible things we could do that his mom or dad do. One was to sing, one was to talk about the day, and the other was to pray. I let him decide which one. He started talking about his day and hopes for morning. Then he wanted me to sing a song which he was sure I wouldn't know. Turns out I'd known it from before his mommy ever did. It's called "The Storm is Passing Over" a church song. He grinned from ear to ear while I did, surprised that I knew it. Then he sang me the alphabet song and did a great job. He asked me to sing it then and I did softly and slowly, and popped his thumb in his mouth and closed his eyes halfway through. When I finished he put his arm around my neck (I was kneeling next to him on the mattress with my butt up in the air and I was leaning on my elbows and my face was next to his) he had his eyes closed and hugged me and I said I loved him and he did too.) I slept really well after that. (Not long enough however….)

I wish I’d been blogging all week, as there are many special moments I had with the kids that would be nice to share with you. I’m going to boast here a second…I only had to call hubby to come home early once, an hour early, and I dealt with all the childcare while he worked, without stressing or freaking out. This is monumental. I observed this week that I go either extreme…mostly I back off, and basically cause my hubby to do all the work and make decisions of what the kids do. In these times it causes me more stress,because i don’t agree with all he decides to do or feed them. I can’t speak up to him or he says why don’t you take over? But a couple times like this week, I decisively assert my confidence in my ability to take good care of children (My kids turned out pretty good after all) And I took the bull by the horns and ran with it. On top of that, I got laundry done 3 times this week, kept the kitchen counters clean and food in the fridge. Kids showered and teeth brushed, played sports outdoors with them, took them to the library and had them reading a lot, did art, too. One thing I surprised myself with was that I didn’t do one thing I ALWAYS do when they come….BAKE COOKIES! Not characteristic of me at all.

I also have been saying this for a while, but soon I need to post pictures of my pottery.

I mentioned on status posts that there was an Open House at the pottery studio I use. I had a blast. My son (22) drove me, the 9year old Abi came too. Hubby stayed home with the other three kids. My daughter with the newborn and her hubby (both artists) came and son-in-law’s parents showed up. It was wonderful to have so much support. I got to visit with many artists I am friends with, and met the teacher for intermediate wheel, which I’d been intimidated by and not sure if I should move on to his class. I told him i felt that way, and he had a nice talk, saw my pottery on display and told me I was definitely ready for his class. Others said the same. I’m talking to hubby about switching, as it costs more, is for more weeks and starts this coming Thursday. There is space in the class. (By the way, I took Abi’s 10 year old brother to the second day of the open house, so he got the tour and saw pottery too. Can’t leave anyone out!)

I have learned that I really shouldn’t ever show my artwork (any medium) to my son-in-law, because he is a tough critic. But I couldn’t avoid it last night at the show, and was surprised when he told me he really liked my work! I gave him a big hug and told him I really appreciated that coming from him because, “you are hard on me!” He laughed. I still think I will be guarded in showing stuff to him. I’m a bit thin skinned when it comes to my feelings about my art. Art is a personal thing and is often not perceived by others the way we expect. The trick is to do it for me, not to try to please anyone else. Another flaw I have is my people pleasing tendencies.

You really are such amazing support to me and I know you all take time to read several blogs a week and are so giving of yourselves by commenting.

Have a great rest of the weekend. I hope to be in touch with you soon!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABY_GIRL69 4/10/2014 1:55PM

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God bless,

Dee

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KNYAGENYA 4/6/2014 7:07PM

    I'm so glad you were able to see them!

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KANOE10 4/6/2014 10:06AM

    That is great that your show went well and that you are ready for the next class. It does take courage to be an artist and to share your works. I am glad that your son-in-law appreciated your talent.

You have had precious moments with your grandchildren. I think you are a wonderful grandmother.

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CASTIRONLADY 4/5/2014 11:45PM

    Congratulations on your artwork. I am glad that SIL got some sense.

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PEZCATHY 4/5/2014 10:21PM

    I loved reading your blog. I am headed home after a week with some of my grandchildren and I really love spending time with them. I am sad that they don't live closer to me (and they are too). The oldest ones are 7 and 6, and they have a 2 yr old sister. It takes me almost 10 hours to drive from Georgia to Toledo, but it is so worth it! Little kids say things and never mean to hurt us, but sometimes they do. They just don't know any better. If you are working at making yourself better, then be proud of your accomplishments and don't let what the little ones say bother you. Just like you love pottery, I love photography. I want to get to the point where I can make money at it, but it is so hard to have enough confidence in myself to put my foot forward and move forward. Satan is always whispering in my ear that I am not good enough. But both of us are and we need to be assertive and not listen to his lies. I'd love for you to post some pics of your pottery!!!

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CHERYL_ANNE 4/5/2014 8:31PM

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Thank you so much for sharing the time well spent you enjoyed with your family!

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Getting Called Fat By My Granddaughter

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Yesterday, my 3-year-old granddaughter, as she always does lately, asked if she could sit on my lap. I was visiting my daughter's house, playing with the kids including their new baby who is already 3 months old!! He's the happiest little guy. Anyway, back to Daisy. She made an innocent enough comment; being that she's only 3 she doesn't realize there is anything wrong with telling someone they are fat. Ouch! My response was that some people may not like it if you tell them they are fat. My daughter was right there when it happened and intervened. She asked Daisy if she could think of another word to describe what gramma is like, and suggested a few adjectives, like comfy. Daisy came up with her own word..."snuggly" I can live with that. After all, shouldn't a gramma be snuggly? (I'm kinda curious where she came up with the descriptive word "fat"...maybe my daughter has called herself fat since she still has pregnancy weight, or maybe my daughter or SIL tell Daisy she has a fat tummy [baby fat of course]) Later my daughter told me that to a kid her age, there is no good or bad associated with the word "fat" So now I suppose I interjected the idea to Daisy that "fat" is a bad word?

No matter how much I tell myself Daisy didn't mean anything by it, and that all she thinks of me is that I'm "snuggly" I feel fat. in a bad way.

What makes it worse, I was looking back at photos of the grandkids we are babysitting this week, of when they were little. 10 years ago I weighed 20 pounds less and I looked really good. A picture my daughter took of me on Friday reveals why Daisy calls me snuggly.

I need to get some well founded motivation to lose the extra 20.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABY_GIRL69 4/1/2014 1:19PM

    Lori, why I am not the thinest granny around either being called fat even innocently enough does sting. My grandson who is 6yrs old saw a picture of me & my hubby that was about 8years ago & he was like that was a long long time ago. Does that mean I'm fat too? Or snuggly? No matter he loves me to pieces and might be just saying things that are said to him. He is even on a kick of trying to walk on my treadmill to keep trim. His dad lost about 40lbs and he sees how people react to slimmer people so maybe that is staying with him. While his mom is overweight he doesn't comment now but before he did. They are just victims of their surroundings is what I would say.

Thanks for commenting on my blog, plenty of love, hugs & well wishes to you & yours too!!

God bless,

Dee

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SERENITEE29 3/31/2014 1:16PM

    I told my Grandfather he was fat, when I was 4. I've never forgotten the reaction from my family - and I'm 57. Don't remember much else from being 4, but that is as clear as a bell in my mind - most likely because of the reaction from everyone else, and being told I'd hurt his feelings.

I remember being in total shock, when I was about 8 years old, when I went to my friend's Grandma's place. She was uber skinny. I thought ALL Grandparents were supposed to be snuggly and comfy.

I think because we are dealing with weight issues, we are all super sensitive to remarks, whether they be made to ourselves or about others. When my daughter was in Brownies, I was an assistant leader.. guess what I named myself?? "Fluffy Owl".

I think it's wonderful how your daughter stepped in and helped her come up with other words, and also how you handled the situation. Your granddaughter will likely not carry a life long memory of this incident.

I have upped my protein intake, try to use the minimum carbs and use mid range fat recommendations (from this site). It's really helping me, and I feel so much less hungry and fewer cravings. I'm also eating every 3 hours or so. Small meals, healthy snacks. I have to get everything ready for work the night before, and plan my day the night before. Those three things have helped. I haven't weighed what I weigh right now since early 2010.

Hang in Lorilee… look how far you've come, in so many ways.

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DEBADEAU 3/30/2014 8:15PM

    Snuggly is a much better description! Children that young don't understand the meaning behind it, but it still hurts. You'll lose the 20 in no time!

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KNYAGENYA 3/30/2014 1:19PM

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CHERYL_ANNE 3/30/2014 11:08AM

    Your thought process reminds me of mine sometimes... when I'm trying to read between the lines and "get" what another adult is saying as opposed to just taking them at face value and their word.

You know in your heart of hearts that your granddaughter meant nothing by that choice of word. And it certainly does seem like something she's heard (little pitchers have big ears...).

The motivation you need is right inside you, always has been. Have faith and call upon it. Know that you are strong enough to carry it out and see it through, just as you have been able to do so many other things in your life (like having children and raising them!).

I believe in you!

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POOKASLUAGH 3/30/2014 10:40AM

    I remember being that child. I remember when I was about three years old, I announced to a room full of my aunts and uncles that my very favorite uncle was fat. My uncle is very obese, like 400+ lbs obese, and as a child, I was making a simple observation, and I remember being SO PROUD of myself for recognizing my uncle's state of being (because at that time, "fat" was just an adjective like any other, like calling someone tall, and had no negative connotations for me at all). I expected everyone to praise me for how smart I was to realize this, and instead, everyone rushed to tell me how I should never say that, how it's not nice, and how I should think of the way my uncle felt, and I was mortified, and crying, and then they were all putting me in my uncle's lap and saying, "But you still love Uncle, don't you?" (meaning "even though he's fat" and all I could think was that they'd made all this fuss and made me humiliated and it was my uncle's fault, so I kept sobbing no, and I'm sure they thought I meant no because he's fat...sigh. I think you handled it far better, haha!

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KANOE10 3/30/2014 8:08AM

    Those comments are painful. I am a teacher and kids used to ask me if I was pregnant..not possible in my 50s.

Good luck with your healthy eating plan. One small step is a success.

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TORTISE110 3/30/2014 7:31AM

    Hard to hear and if you weren't a bit uncomfortable with your weight it would have been easier, I know. I love how your daughter handled it because snuggly is much more important!

I guess if I were you I'd try to use the motivation to move myself to where I want to be knowing that critical voices are not the truth, but we can use them from time to time to keep ourselves going. I'm a grandmum too and one of my motivations is to be around to be snuggly for a very, very long time!

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LINDA! 3/29/2014 11:39PM

    I understand that this would hurt you. But you can get the weight off. emoticon My grandmothers were heavy and I thought that they were the best.

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KELLIEBEAN 3/29/2014 10:58PM

    Awww. Snuggly is nice but I understand how you felt at that moment. When my son was five, we watched the video of our vacation in Florida. During the video of he and I in a water park, he said "wow mom, look how big your butt is!" Ouch!

Keep taking care of yourself, one day at a time!

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LARISSA238 3/29/2014 9:33PM

    I know you can do it! Just do it 2 pounds at a time. You have to take baby steps and set goals for yourself. *hugs*

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HHB4181 3/29/2014 8:02PM

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MERRYMARY42 3/29/2014 7:51PM

    well that sounds like motivation out of the mouth of babes, You can do it, snugly grandmas are all good, but 20 pounds I am sure would make you feel great, mentally and physically

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MTNMOM5 3/29/2014 7:27PM

    I was getting my young son our of the tub one evening and he leaned against me and said " I'm sure glad I have a soft Mommy and not a hard skinny one" I feel your pain.

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PEZMOM1 3/29/2014 6:56PM

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GOLFINMOMMA 3/29/2014 6:50PM

    Out of the mouths of babes. Good luck with your weight loss snuggly.
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A Rewarding Day

Thursday, March 27, 2014

It is so beautiful outside today.

Lately my two favorite workouts are taking my bike for a ride, and walking. Both outdoor activities. So on rainy days I am finding myself to easily become depressed and trapped feeling.

Today, the day after my last class session at the clay studio, I had many things to get done. Made a list. A long list that got longer as the day progressed. The more I did the more I found that needed to be done! Seeing that it was a pretty day cheered me knowing that I would get outside and work out.

I got everything done, except the exercise, by 4:00 when hubby got home. I hadn't sat down all day except to drive 15 min each way to Target. Grandkids are staying over for a week while their mom goes to see her brother's family in Hawaii. (Yes, hubby and I sacrificed our Spring trip there to send our daughter who hasn't met Bjørn yet.) With kids coming this week, there were things to do in preparation. Plus I just wanted to do something special for hubby and do all the cleaning that I never do and he always has to do for me. I even cleaned out the huge tupperware cupboard, matched lids and containers, threw odd ones and it looks so good I should take a picture, haha!

I feel so invigorated. I also made a list of things to do with the kids this coming week. I thrive on lists.

After hubby and I went out for supper, I went out for my walk. I opted to walk instead of bike because the other final thing on my list was to call Mom. I can't talk and bike, but I can talk and walk. She always knows when I'm walking because I huff and puff. I got both things done and I am now sitting down saying hi to all of you.

An observation I have recently made about my outdoor exercise. When I'm walking, even though I'm enjoying it, if I see a bike rider, I wish I were biking. And vise versa, if I'm biking and see a walker, I wish I were walking, even though I am enjoying the bike ride. So while I think these thoughts I say, "I'll do both!" But as it turns out, I'm always too tired to do both.

It's 7:00m, I am exhausted and satisfied from a productive day. It's still light out and there is a perfectly clear Carolina Blue sky.

(now I'm really satisfied with all the work I did...Hubby just told me the house looks great and is really pleased with the tupperware cupboard. He recognized that that was a BIG job!) (My goal of the day was reached...Made hubby happy!)
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 3/28/2014 9:53AM

    That was a great day! I have taken to walking while i call my family also. It is a great way to get exercise in.

I hear you on organizing the tupperware. My husband gets frustrated also. I took out a lot of pieces so there were not so many.

Happy Day to you.

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KNYAGENYA 3/28/2014 7:51AM

    I can't wait for it to get warm enough for me to start riding my bike.

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CASTIRONLADY 3/27/2014 10:32PM

    What a full day and what an inspiration you. When I am tired I just sit down and don't do my exercise. Great day and great blog.

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LARISSA238 3/27/2014 9:31PM

    Great job on getting out there in the nice weather. I miss walking. but with my hurt ankle I can't walk far. I hope you have a great time with the kids, and it was so nice of you to give up your trip so they could see Bjorn.

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DEBADEAU 3/27/2014 7:52PM

    There's just something amazing about a completed to do list! Enjoy the time with the kiddos!

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MJEFFERSON23 3/27/2014 7:17PM

  emoticon You are so organized! I thrive on lists, too. I wish we had good weather, though!

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Insecurity in a Key Relationship

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Did you ever have one or two of those days when you were feeling particularly insecure? I'm not talking about weight, but just about who you are and whether or not a certain person likes you or cares about the things that are important to you? From yesterday till today I was around a bunch of family members. I found myself reacting internally over several reactions and comments I received from one of these very special people. I normally feel fine around her and we usually don't treat each other in this weird way, but as I talked to my hubby about it in tears later, after she left, he pointed out that she is a very insecure person and most likely she is having some of those insecurities come out, which happened to be very untimely since I was also feeling insecure.

Several times, when I felt stressed today, I just left the room discreetly, and went into my bedroom and did 1 to 2 minute planks. Once I added 40 squats. This is a MAJOR change from my usual chow down tactic I usually partake in for this kind of stress. Now I'm still in a dangerous time frame. The binge can come later the night when stressors are eliminated, or even the next day. Tonight I went out for a quick walk to help with the stress relief. But still feeling unsettled so I wrote a quick blog. My plan is to get absorbed in reading my current paperback I'm reading.

I have to get through this, but I also need to figure out how to offer others the security in my love that they need while I'm struggling to feel accepted and loved by them.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIEBEAN 3/26/2014 10:11PM

    I LOVE the way you handled yourself here. That is very inspiring!

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DEBADEAU 3/24/2014 7:31PM

    Love that you used exercise instead of binge eating! I'm an emotional eater as well, so I get it. I never thought of using exercise instead. Great tip!

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KANOE10 3/24/2014 9:46AM

    You are doing so well..going off to do planks and squats..and then later taking a walk. Plus escaping in a book is also an excellent stress reliever. I think when you get some rest and some distance from the event, you will start finding ways to deal with this insecure person. You have done an excellent job of not turning to food.

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NUTRON3 3/24/2014 9:45AM

    I think we all have times like this

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KNYAGENYA 3/24/2014 8:48AM

    Insecurities can pop up when we least expect it. It's easier when we realize the emotion for what it is and then move on. Good job!

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POPSY190 3/23/2014 8:58PM

    Your husband has hit the nail on the head! It's hard not to care too much about these things. But I think it's a bit like reading. Sometimes I just can't get into a book; months later I can't put it down.The difference is nothing to do with the book - it's just my frame of mind at the time. So you and your friend just hit a bad moment for both of you!
Excellent to distract yourself from the binge instinct. Both writing and exercise are good for this. Sometimes I use housework or a shower for the same purpose. emoticon

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WAY2GOCAT 3/23/2014 7:44PM

    Ooops, I can offer no answer. I'm so so sorry. However, I can praise you for the healthy manner (planks) in which you did handle it! It's far from the binging of your past! Super job!

Be blessed and persevere!

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