Thursday, November 27, 2014
I Receive ALL of Life with Thanksgiving -
I have gratitude for EVERYTHING
that has ever occurred to bring me to this moment.
I give thanks for the joys and the sufferings,
the moments of peace and the flashes of anger,
the compassion and the indifference,
the roar of my courage and the cold sweat of my fear.
I accept gratefully the entirety of my past and my present life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Take time today for family and friends. The stories you get will outweigh (no pun intended) the food you eat.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
SparkPeople's Coach Nicole says:
Say one good thing about yourself and your body every day. Eventually, you'll come to believe it.
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Depression, S.A.D (seasonal anxiety disorder), the moods swings, what ever you choose to call them, it hits hard. Those that have it can't explain it, or can't let you know how you can fix it, they just know they are so miserable, really for me the only thing I want is to be left alone. But that isn't what we need either. So really the thing that I want is peace and quiet to get myself back together. But also that can be a catch 22 because if left alone too long I will just continue in this state, but if pushed to much I will just close myself off again. So really it is a trying time for us all. As my husband asked me last night "what can I do for you?" He feels helpless but truth I feel even more helpless because I can't shake it off. Oh I have moments of clarity, like during work hours, I mean I work with the public I have to put on a brave face, and I'm sleeping good. But really other than that.....I just could care less.
I left work yesterday and I had to just cry. I cried all the way home. Why? Couldn't tell ya. Stress of work, stress of home, I have no outlet it seems anymore. You ever just want to get in your car and drive and drive till you run out of gas? I have had that feeling. Just to go where nobody knew you. But that isn't reality. I did purchase my vitamin D to help, because I spend so much time inside during this time of year, it helps with the SAD symptoms. I also am taking my meds for depression, which hubby has asked about and yes dear I don't miss a pill. One other thing a depressed person doesn't want to hear is "did you take your pill" I mean please really??????
Ok, on the Spark front, I have been better in that area. I set up a new journal for my food tracking, trying for ease right now, and so far I've tracked. Good, bad, and ugly. Since this is my first real week on the road to recovery so far I didn't want to lie to myself, and nope I'm not perfect. So the truth shall maybe set me free. Only time will tell and you know what? I have the rest of my life to reach my goals. I hope it doesn't take that long but who knows. If I can't get out of this funk it could be longer.
Monday, November 24, 2014
My "journey" has become a joke. I say I'm on one but really my journey begins and ends at the pantry, the wrong isle in the grocery, and right now my depression is at a all time low. I hate the winter and I dislike this SAD I get every year around the holidays. I know it is because of the stress of gift buying with no money, bills are due, and time is short. But man I even know I'm going through it and it sucks. Sorry didn't mean for this to turn into a crying fest. I'm just so out of it lately and can't seem to pick myself up. I want to make better choices but really I'm at a all time low and that makes me doubt I can even continue this.
I come here daily, I read motivational quotes, I read blogs, I check my email and I do my darndest to begin on a good note. But to be honest it is just beginning to pile on me and I want to just hide my head in shame. Shame that I can't seem to get through one day on track, my calories are crazy. If I'm in range it isn't by eating the good stuff, I'm just eating to eat most days. Getting outside is just a dream of mine, between the rain and the cold I'm just trapped inside this house. My depression in running a gamut and I don't know how or where to begin to take control of myself again. I try to smile through the tears like I once did but it just takes so much effort on my part and I seem to get so little in return. I know the help is out there if I just ask but here in lies some of my trouble. I like order. If I cry out it means I'm not strong and I can't have that. This healthy lifestyle I've been striving for just shows me I'm not strong in every sense of the word.
When do you find the aha moment, that moment when all that you know begins to make sense again. when the world turns right on it's axis and you seem to have some clue where your heading? I'm waiting on that moment. I have been waiting for so long now I almost believe this is how it is suppose to be. But I don't think anyone is suppose to be this unhappy with everything and everyone around them.
If you have never known depression then you will not understand and that is ok. Be grateful in the knowledge that your life is right where it should be, but if like me you have lived with this disease for years and some years are better than others, then you understand this isn't about shaking off a mood, It is not a mood swing, and NO taking those pills doesn't always make it all better. We make mistakes, we make choices, you can live with some of yours but mine turn into a bit battle ground in my mind. I doubt myself all the time and in the wee hours of the night all those bad things people say seems to be coming true. You know the ones, you;ll never do it, your not good enough, that type of stuff.
Ok, I need to quit with these blogs or someone is going to come to my door with the straight jacket and I won't look good in white. But sometimes I have to come here to clear my mind, saying it out loud just never seems the same and really who wants to know your in this kind of funk. Those not on the journey to self care would never understand and those on it don't may not see my troubles because I keep them hidden and I don't want someone to say "oh snap out of it, your fine".
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Be resolute in your goals, but flexible in your tactics.
There are times that call for repetition and perseverance;
and there are times that require new ways of thinking and doing.
The challenge is knowing one from the other.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have to say thankyou to two beautiful ladies who responded to my last blog, never did I even think someone would take the time to read my woes but that they took the time to respond is wonderful. Now on that note I will say I've doing my level best to maintain my sanity. I have begun a bit of cleanup on my credit cards, so that is taken care of and I must say just to have the phones stop ringing is a plus. So As of today I have my troubles moving in a fixable position. Now I refuse to worry about the holidays. They are for children and I will see that my grandson has a few gifts to open from his nene and his Poppy but my grown children will get a few little things and be done with that. We will have our dinner and to me that is the best part. I'm trying to regain my footing after hubby changed his career and right now my first responsibility is to us and our home. So with that being said, I have begun to work on my own mind set.
Now this may be a bit harder than setting up a few payments. I seem gung ho in the morning for change, by midday I'm ready to just quit. I don't know what is wrong with me and this journey. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around the weight loss thing. I have changed up a few things on my spark page, my goals, and such, but still nothing. I am down a bit this week but then again I've seen this number before and with it usually comes those friends back for the next week. I believe they are only on a vacation. Why don't I work harder on that you may wonder? Because I've gained and lost the same weight for so long now I have lost that motivation to begin and to finish. A new friend of mine said she was planning on writing her five year blog and how wonderful it was to reach a milestone. Except she is where she always was. Well I'm past that five year mark, and I'm right where I was when I began. Yup the secret is out. I've gained back every dang pound and it sucks. More than I can say. They say to love yourself first and the rest will fall into place. Well that is tough when you see your success fly right on by and you end up in the same damn place you began.
I know just pity talking. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, I just can't seem to get myself to that place. If I had to guess I would say my depression is back. Yup I'm on meds but I think maybe it is time for a change. I took a couple of days off work to use some vacation time up and to just relax and get my head right.....I mostly slept it away. Now here it is the weekend and I'm no further ahead in my quest to find ME then I was when I started Thursday. The weather has been good around here and yup I did get a walk in but still nothing. I'm just so disappointed in myself and even seeing a loss on the scales, a number I've said I've seen before, did nothing to bring my hope, I just figure i'll mess it up and be back to this once again. So I won't make promises I can't keep, I will plan my journey a bit, I will track my food, and I will give the exercise thing another go. But after that I'm just going to see.
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