MALEXANDER4   173,317
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MALEXANDER4's Recent Blog Entries

Such a wonderful day to just BEGIN anew.

Saturday, December 13, 2014



This morning checking my emails I found this from Spark and it gave me a moment of reflection...... Coach Nancy says:
You can't always see where you are going, but a friend walking the journey with you may see what you can't.

As I walk this journey I'm walking it with my best friend, my daughter. We live next door to one another and that means we get to meet on the weekends and get a walk or two in. We have a plan and if it is cold in the mornings we head out in the afternoons. We discuss our week, our goals, new ideas, and just vent or laugh. Now I won't say we don't each have our doubts about this journey. Mine really hasn't gone anywhere but up, and she is at a plateau right now. But we don't give up on ourselves or each other.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that we need to have a friend we can count on to push us, guide us, or just be there to lean on. I have that I just don't always use it as I should. Sometimes I walk alone through this journey because I choose to not because I have to. I guess when your just moving along and not really doing anything to help yourself set or reach any goals you don't want others to see your struggle. Or maybe not so much a struggle as the laziness you feel in yourself. Sometimes I feel shame, shame that I say I want to walk the walk but really I'm just saying the words and not living the life. Well I've been thinking a lot about this and I believe I might be ready to walk the walk and talk the talk again.

So starting today, this moment, I'm at 158.2 I've stayed the same this week, which isn't a bad thing, but from here I want to start changing my habits again, I want to begin liking this journey, trying new things, and just being ready for the changes. No more sitting and waiting, I'm going to get up and do.

My plan is simple: My goal is 135

I will work to lose 5lbs at a time, fit into my "skinny" jeans, run longer than a minute, and just plain feel good about myself.

My rewards along the way: A braclet defining my goals to me. A butterfly charm or such to look at and see where I've been and where I'm headed, maybe beads added for pounds lost.

I will begin tracking again. I have slip here and fallen hard. But without tracking I am just eating to eat. I will exercise at least 3 great days a week and get my 10 minutes minimum in the other days, I will get my water by carrying a bottle that I love and keeping it full.

As I proceed I will alter or change as I see fit. I've been on Spark almost six years. It is time to set some goals and follow through.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 12/13/2014 9:26AM

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GOLDENRODFARM 12/13/2014 8:36AM

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NELLJONES 12/13/2014 8:03AM

    I like the charm bracelet idea.

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CRACKERS4554 12/13/2014 7:42AM

    You can and you will!

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JAROL7 12/13/2014 7:41AM

    There is nothing wrong with starting over again. Just work your plan.

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JCLJR4547 12/13/2014 7:37AM

  GO FOR IT!

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Fresh Start 2014

Saturday, November 29, 2014

The best I can do is start fresh today. I have a plan for the first time in a very long time. I have a small goal of 5 pounds. I have a longterm goal but for now baby steps. When I have accomplished this I will move forward 5 more pounds. So one pound at a time and a mini goal.

I will plan better, I won't try to plan better I will succeed. So today I begin anew. I have done this many times before. But this time for some reason I'm reasonably sure I'm ready. I don't like the way I feel, my emotions are all over the place and I think my being unhappy with myself is a lot of the cause. Yup I've got depression and been diagnosed with that years ago. But I take meds for that, the rest is up to me. I don't want to be a zombie on meds of all types so I will take my one med for my depression and get healthy to take care of the rest. Who knows I may end up not needing the other.

So my hats off to all those who have succeeded on Spark, WeightWatchers, and such to lose and keep off the weight. For me it wasn't the plans it was my mindset. Well to be truthful my mind is still a work in progress but then again so is my body, so without further ado I will be taking on the challenge to regain some of my confidence in myself that I lose a while back. I'm ready to start fresh and have a journey that I can share with you all. I have a 5k scheduled for January 24th and I would love to be working on my second 5 pounds by then. So as I close for today I just want to say thankyou to my Spark friends that stuck by my side and never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 11/29/2014 8:59AM

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NELLJONES 11/29/2014 7:59AM

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RAPUNZEL53 11/29/2014 7:35AM

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Happy Thanksgiving 2014

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Today's affirmation:
I Receive ALL of Life with Thanksgiving -
I have gratitude for EVERYTHING
that has ever occurred to bring me to this moment.
I give thanks for the joys and the sufferings,
the moments of peace and the flashes of anger,
the compassion and the indifference,
the roar of my courage and the cold sweat of my fear.
I accept gratefully the entirety of my past and my present life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Take time today for family and friends. The stories you get will outweigh (no pun intended) the food you eat.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLJONES 11/28/2014 9:15AM

    I hope you had a Happy Day!

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KENDRACARROLL 11/27/2014 3:29PM

    Happy Thanksgiving.
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Time to stop the suffering.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


SparkPeople's Coach Nicole says:
Say one good thing about yourself and your body every day. Eventually, you'll come to believe it.

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

Depression, S.A.D (seasonal anxiety disorder), the moods swings, what ever you choose to call them, it hits hard. Those that have it can't explain it, or can't let you know how you can fix it, they just know they are so miserable, really for me the only thing I want is to be left alone. But that isn't what we need either. So really the thing that I want is peace and quiet to get myself back together. But also that can be a catch 22 because if left alone too long I will just continue in this state, but if pushed to much I will just close myself off again. So really it is a trying time for us all. As my husband asked me last night "what can I do for you?" He feels helpless but truth I feel even more helpless because I can't shake it off. Oh I have moments of clarity, like during work hours, I mean I work with the public I have to put on a brave face, and I'm sleeping good. But really other than that.....I just could care less.

I left work yesterday and I had to just cry. I cried all the way home. Why? Couldn't tell ya. Stress of work, stress of home, I have no outlet it seems anymore. You ever just want to get in your car and drive and drive till you run out of gas? I have had that feeling. Just to go where nobody knew you. But that isn't reality. I did purchase my vitamin D to help, because I spend so much time inside during this time of year, it helps with the SAD symptoms. I also am taking my meds for depression, which hubby has asked about and yes dear I don't miss a pill. One other thing a depressed person doesn't want to hear is "did you take your pill" I mean please really??????

Ok, on the Spark front, I have been better in that area. I set up a new journal for my food tracking, trying for ease right now, and so far I've tracked. Good, bad, and ugly. Since this is my first real week on the road to recovery so far I didn't want to lie to myself, and nope I'm not perfect. So the truth shall maybe set me free. Only time will tell and you know what? I have the rest of my life to reach my goals. I hope it doesn't take that long but who knows. If I can't get out of this funk it could be longer.



Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 11/27/2014 8:06AM

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KENDRACARROLL 11/26/2014 7:49PM

    Michelle, I've been reading your blogs but haven't had enough peaceful time to sit down and post. I'm doing that now.

I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to get into my car and just drive until I run out of gas. For what it's worth, you're not alone.

Life certainly has its ups and downs and the holiday season and long dark nights surely don't make things easier.

Blogging helps. Talking it out with a good friend helps too. Anything that makes you say things out loud is good therapy.

Wishing you a peaceful Thanksgiving.
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LASARRE 11/26/2014 4:39PM

    I'm bad at tracking. I try, but it is hard to coordinate what I eat with what is on the site. Hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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ENDUROVET 11/26/2014 3:36PM

    I've never been one of those cheerleading types - that's why I noted that it's fairly uncharacteristic of me to post those "Yippee!"-type emoticons yesterday...
Self-love for me is very demanding work - I'd much rather cuss at myself like a muleskinner.
I HATE tracking but it does help to keep me honest - I "back-tracked" yesterday & prob missed a snack but at least I made it by the gym.
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Baby Steps to healing.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

When you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you
that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.
- Joseph Campbell

Yesterday I put a post on Facebook. Now I want to say in defense I never put much out there. Just doesn't seem like the place to air my laundry. But what the heck I'm riding the depression horse this season and any amount of release is good at this time. So I put a message out about how I'm feeling. You know what? The sky didn't fall in and more people than I thought have the same feelings this time of year. The best feeling in the world is knowing your not alone. To me it has always been different to be alone or to be lonely. I'm not lonely. I just am in a dark spot right now and I have to take it day by day and work it out. No I can't shake it off, it isn't something even while going through it I can explain. It just is. So I will take this one step at a time.

Now about my weight loss journey. I'm taking steps to work on myself there. Now it isn't a balloons, confetti, or fireworks kind of steps but it is a soft step in the right direction. I can't only do what my mind at this time will allow me to do. I even got out and got a walk in during my morning break yesterday and that was wonderful. The sun was shining and I so needed that break from my routine. So today should the weather permit I will do it once again. Health and healing I believe may go hand in hand.

I want to take a moment and just say thank you to Spark for being there, for allowing we to have this blog spot where I can write to myself and help my healing.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLJONES 11/25/2014 7:46AM

    My husband gets depressed during winter, the dark season. I keep a light on in all the darker corners of the house (those new low wattage cfl bulbs), and when the sun starts to go down (before 5 now) I turn on a light in every room. My home has no dark corners anymore, and it has improved his outlook. And mine. Just because it's dark outside doesn't mean it has to be dark inside. I am so grateful we live in an age of electric light. There is no way to light a house well with candles.

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