Friday, November 15, 2013
OK this is what's going on. You may recall my bitching about menopause for the last year or so. Well, I had a period after a year and mentioned it to my Dr. They were concerned and so, I had ultrasound on tuesday and today I had my biopsy. So when my dr. came in room, I asked what Ultrasound said and she looked it up. She said "jesus christ" under her breathe while she was looking at it so I took that as things were not looking too good. She is a new dr. just met her last week but I like her and she seems honest and straight up. She said my uterine lining was at a 10 (should be a 4) and she was hopingty to see a polyp because those can just be removed.She did not see any but that is not always visible in ultrasounds.
She said not to worry, lets just do biopsy and we will go forward from there.
So she started the procedure and poked and prodded but then told me she couldn't do it because my cervix was too closed up (it is old and menopausal!) and that we would have to do the biopsy under anesthesia so I have to have surgery. She said that she would do biopsy, and then a D&C which takes some of the lining out of my uterus all at the same time. (warning #2)
Then she said we would go from there depending on what we found. I pushed her and asked what best and worst case scenario is. (You know me!)
Best case: find the polyp (or more than 1) and remove them during the first surgery. Do biopsy and no cancer cells are present. Do D&C and that will be the end of it.
Worst case: Do biopsy, find cancer, schedule another surgery of complete hysterectomy (uterus, tubes, ovaries), then, depending on the stage of cancer, vaginal radiation (which sounds completely horrible to me, although I know nothing about it!)
So yea, I am shook up but I like to know what I am dealing with. She is booked all through December (she does surgery on weds. because all the surgeons in town share the 4 operating rooms). She said she was going to see if she could schedule it on her day off (day off! wow.) which is Monday, maybe in the evening, or perhaps on a Saturday so I could get in faster. (which was warning number 3 for me) that she wants me in so quickly.
I told her I will do it whenever she can do it. I should hear from her probably the beginning of the week since she has to get authorization from my insurance which shouldn't be hard. They are pretty good about that.
So I will let you know. I don't think the first surgery will be bad. It is in and out, probably sore for a day or two.
That is what I know right now. And yes, I called Frank at work, told him and I cried. But I am ok now. I think.
I just needed to write it out and express it. Yes I went to lunch and talked to my sister then ate apple pie for dinner..some habits die hard! I needed comfort today. So I turned to food. As usual. Then, we walked Stitchy and are gonna watch a movie. A comedy.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I would love for you all to watch this short video. It is a new york artist who literally strips away negativity about her body. It is beautiful. Truly. Let me know what you think.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
My sister in law, who was my partner in weight loss failure for YEARS, got lapband surgery. I was against it, gently told her why and then supported her decision. I understand why she wanted to do it. She weighed more than me, has unsuccessfully been on every weight loss plan and diet (except for spark people) and never could lose or keep off any significant weigh.
I get that. We ALL get that. she eats a cup of food 3 times a day. There are many things she cannot have like bread, ric etc. This is her life now. I would not like to live that way. If I did eat like that, I would be skinny too! but food brings me joy, it s ritualistic, it is Friday night dates, and thanksgiving day, and birthday cake. It is tradition and love and rewards. Yes, I know this is why I'm overweight because I look at food that way, but I don't think I am alone in that.
But I AM jealous. She just posted a picture and in 3 months, she is down 5 sizes and over 60 pounds. She looks and feels great. She is proud and active and enjoying buying clothes.
Do I agree with her choice to have surgery? No.
Am I happy for her? Yes
Am I jealous that in another few months she will be done and I will still be fat and fighting whether to have chips with lunch? Hell Yea!
And I'm mad about it because I UNDERSTaND that Lapband is not the right choice for me but right about now, I sure am wishing it was.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I got tired of tracking, planning, thinking about food, what I COULD have, what I SHOULD have, all of it. So I checked in occasionally, walked a bit sometimes, ate what I wanted when I wanted it. And you know what? Most of the habits I formed here in the last 3 years stuck with me but some didn't. I gained weight (shocker!) And I missed my friends here. I had a good sparky reach out and last week, every day, we focused on what good things we did for ourselves. We wrote to each other every day, and didn't complain about where we messed up or anything like that. Just what we did right. It was enough to bring me back from the dark side..lol. I am grateful for the lifeline and the anchor which is spark people. This is why this site works. Its the people, the support, the encouragement, the fact that there is always someone here right where you are, or has been there.
So while I never really left and I never really gave up, I am back and tracking and hopeful and working it. Hubby and I have a walking schedule and a commitment to do some kickboxing video game twice a week and I'm meal planning again.. I have a plan, and I'm going to use it.
This is why it works.
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