MAMADWARF   45,147
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MAMADWARF's Recent Blog Entries

I am here today.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Hello everyone. I know my attendance here has been sporadic. When I last checked in, my daughter had gotten married in May, we went on vacation and I was trying to dig myself out of this hole I was in.

Let me first say that I love sparkpeople and everyone here. I want to be here, I want to continue my goals. I will never leave, at least not for long. This is still home for me and always will be.

I have had some serious issues that I have only told a few people about.

Me knee needs to be replaced. October 21 is the day. That has limited what I can do and I really want to be able to be more active so I am going to get it done.

I know being busy is no excuse. I have been busy my entire 4 years of being here but work has exploded. We have expanded our business into Solar and we are crazy busy but that is not why I haven't been here.

My heart is broken. I am devastated. I either eat or can't eat. I dont care about my physical self right now. Sorry. It's just honest. I have cried every day for 2 weeks and I am just trying to deal.

My daughter who married her lifelong boyfriend in May, has caused them to separate. It is her fault. He is devastated. He has lost his best friend, his home, and his wife. I just cannot wrap my head around it. He is not my son in law, he is my son. I just cant get a grip on it. I have dealt with her and made conditions on her living here, like counseling, getting healthy (alcohol etc).

I am sad. Sadder than I have been in a long time. I am dissapointed. I am mad.

It is just a hard time.

Dont give up. I will be back around more. I like it here. I need the support and the inspiration.
Sorry I havent been a very good friend to you all but I sure do think of you all very often...

I will be back. Soon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELLYBEANS0919 9/17/2014 12:58PM

    emoticon I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter & son-in-law. That must be devastating to all. I hope your knee replacement goes well, be kind to youreslf, you're going through so much. It is good to hear from you.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/16/2014 1:15PM

    Jan, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and the family's situation. I can only imagine how hard things have been. I'm sure you've heard it before, but you can't take care of anyone else, if you're not taking care of yourself. I love you and I REALLY hope things get batter. We are all here for you, even though you may not be present. Don't worry about us, take care of YOU!

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REMEMBER2BME 9/16/2014 1:05PM

    First of all you are never to worry about us. What we want is for you to be happy and healthy. Know that we are here for you. This is not all about weight in my book, not at all.

I am glad that you have a plan regarding your knee. I am sure it won't be easy to say the least but you can take it one step at a time.

I am also VERY glad that you are letting yourself feel and that you have thought things through the best you can and have put conditions on your daughter staying with you. People sometimes make horrible mistakes and they then need to take responsibility for them.

We are here for you. You take care of you the best you can. HUGS!

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You and your family are in my prayers...

- Michelle

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AAAACK 9/16/2014 12:41AM

    You know...I was just saying how life makes us run through our full set of emotions pretty regularly. It's just that sometimes the intensity is seriously ratcheted up! I hope yours ratchets down soon, and in the meantime, you find some ways to feel good at least some of the time.

My heart is with you! You are such a wonderful cheerleader for the rest of us, maybe posting what's happening will allow us to do it for you for a change.

The thing about stuff is that it never lasts. I mean it may last in some ways, but it changes and morphs. May your stuff change and morph into something manageable very very soon. We're all with you!

emoticon emoticon

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KNEEMAKER 9/15/2014 11:34PM

  Marvelous Monday so keep on keeping on! emoticon

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shift of thinking...

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

So, last week, I was all rainbows and butterflies and happy, right? I was eating well, felt good, had a great weekend.

Got on the scale this am, looking for my 2 lb reward...NOPE! Gained a half a pound....I literally laughed out loud!

Which brings me to this.

I felt better last week.
I ate better last week.
I moved more last week.

Is any of that diminished because I didn't lose any weight according to the scale?
Heck no. It just means my focus needs to be on doing what I need to do to feel better.

That's it. Its not a number or a reward of a number. Its just every day, eating well, being good to my body, my spirit, my whole self. As I do that, that is my reward. The weight loss is a bonus.

I'm not gonna fall into that trap with the scale. I will weigh on Monday because that is my accountability but I will not allow that to control my efforts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THREEE 7/5/2014 1:06AM

    THAT is so right...the scale is a TOOL, not the goal... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 7/2/2014 12:27AM

    How are you, Jan? I am proud of you for overcoming the irrationality of the scale, and focusing on the fact that you actually felt better. I have had the same experience as you, and have also laughed (it may have been a laugh tinged with just a hint of bitterness). I have no wise words. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are.

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BIGMAMAT 6/20/2014 1:15PM

    Go Mama, Go!!! emoticon emoticon

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DAISY443 6/18/2014 2:46PM

    Yay!!!!!! Perfect attitude!

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PJH2028 6/17/2014 9:42AM

    YES! THAN KYOU. EXACTLY entirely what i needed to read and hear and feel today… after posting my "update". Do it for ME. Live better. Live well. clove

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/17/2014 8:26AM

    OMG, I did the EXACT same thing! Laughed my A$$ off when I saw a 3 pound gain. Yep, gained the same 3 I lost the week before, WTH?!? Whatever, I know I'm doing it right, and eventually, I will see it on the scale. You're doing great, just keep it going!

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NUMD97 6/17/2014 6:03AM

    Nicely done. THIS is what it is all about: Being the one in control, and not letting the scale dictate how we feel.

Thanks for posting!

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STEPH-KNEE 6/17/2014 2:28AM


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MELLYBEANS0919 6/17/2014 1:07AM

    Good for you! The number goes up and down for many reasons. Focus on how you feel.

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AAAACK 6/17/2014 12:45AM

    I love your attitude!

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JENNIERUN 6/17/2014 12:32AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
thank you for this post! I need to remember that when I saw my scale go up today!!

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Victory over orange slices!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Today my sister brought me over my favorite candy... Those sugary orange candies? I said thanks and put them in a baggy in my cupboard.

Then I cut up my watermelon and bagged that up along with some chicken to take to the races today. We will be gone all day so I wanted to be prepared and not eat crap at the racetrack.

I even had to go get ice and I got hubby some m and m's and I didn't eat any!!!

Yea, me!!!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THREEE 7/5/2014 1:03AM

    absolutely, "yea you!!!" emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/16/2014 9:47AM

    WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!! That's a HUGE victory, way to go, I'm SOOOO proud of you!

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HGSGUY 6/15/2014 10:28AM

    You are in control! Empowering isn't it? Each time I maintain control over a negative force, I become stronger and find it easier to stay in control. Great job!!

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REMEMBER2BME 6/15/2014 6:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Great job!

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CANNIE50 6/14/2014 6:49PM

    Yay you! You show that sugar who's boss! emoticon

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4 dang good days

Thursday, June 12, 2014

This is the end of my 4th day. I can't tell you why I am doing things right or well, I can only tell you that I am. I am not trying. I am DOING! I am planning my meals and sticking to it. Every morning, I say I'm going to do something and then I do it. I have eaten salad for lunch and liked it. I have had fresh strawberries and pineapple to snack on and been satisfied. I added zucchini to my pasta tonight because I knew I needed more veggies. You know what?

I am proud of myself. I really am. For the first time in a long time, I am doing this for me..not because I SHOULD or that I'm going to power through it, but because I want to. I deserve to be good to myself. I NEED to eat right and I WANT to feel better.

I bought myself some new shoes because I'm worth it.
I'm tracking my food because it helps me be honest.
I'm here on spark because I need to and I love you guys.

4 good days. I'm happy with that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THREEE 7/5/2014 1:02AM

    see? more positive comments but telling us it is not necessarily easy...but back to the JUST DO IT...
thanks, kiddo

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/16/2014 9:48AM

    4 good days will turn into 14 before you know it! You DO deserve it! Well done Jan!

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PJH2028 6/13/2014 10:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Dang good indeed. Thank you for inspiring me. Grateful for two good days here. Yay

Comment edited on: 6/13/2014 10:02:07 PM

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CANNIE50 6/13/2014 7:20PM

    Reading this makes me happy emoticon

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DAISY443 6/13/2014 5:38PM

    Great job! and then there were 5, then 6, then it's a lifetime habit!

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/13/2014 11:41AM

    Wonderful. emoticon

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BRAINYBLONDE5 6/13/2014 8:42AM

    I am so PROUD of you! the confidence and pride in your voice is just so inspiring! 4 dang good days is dang good!!!!

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    Way to go!!!!!!!

- Michelle

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STEPH-KNEE 6/13/2014 1:38AM


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AAAACK 6/12/2014 9:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Keep it up - I love hearing this, it makes it all seem so doable!

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the last few days

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Well, kids, the last few days have been pretty good.

I'm planning, tracking, eating well and it feels good.

I'm shaky, but standing.
I'm taking it day by day, but I feel like I'm building momentum.
I'm not ready for any of this but I'm doing it anyway.

The things I used to do routinely, are foreign now, but I'm getting my memory back.

Thank you for all your support and for still being here yourselves!

As each day passes, I know I will get stronger and then I can start giving back to YOU guys, too!

On to TODAY!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THREEE 7/5/2014 1:00AM

    you see how many who support you because you have supported them...some, i'm sure, even unknowingly...
you speak the truth...even during the hard and slip times...thank you for that AND thank you for STILL having an upbeat attitude during even those times...
keep at it ... I've missed you(my part not signing into spark as I seems like june is my new year's day)

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DAISY443 6/12/2014 1:43PM

    Hang tuff, Mama!

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GRACEISENUF 6/11/2014 10:37PM


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MELLYBEANS0919 6/11/2014 1:43PM


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JITZUROE 6/11/2014 12:30PM

    Yes. And even as each hour passes ore getting stronger too. I can tell!
I'm going hourly these days myself.... : )

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/11/2014 11:47AM

    Way to go Jan, I know you can do it! One day at a time! *HUGS*

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AAAACK 6/11/2014 11:33AM

    My favorite line from this blog is "I'm not ready for any of this but I'm doing it anyway." I definitely need a big dose of that medicine!

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TREASURINGLIFE 6/11/2014 11:01AM

    One day at a time...that's about all any of us can do. Keep it up! :-)

- Michelle

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BRAINYBLONDE5 6/11/2014 11:00AM

    emoticon I know you are going to keep kicking butt!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 6/11/2014 10:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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