Scales are toxic and its easy to repeat the past

Saturday, May 18, 2013

So, a couple weeks ago I write this positive blog and I am all happy-

I should have known- every time I do that - I hit a slump after...

About a week ago I went out with a friend who I haven't seen in a long time and who I love to be with- bad end result- I drank more alcohol than I have in months- our old routine would be to drink a bunch and then eat greasy fast food- ( sounds like I am 20 and not 57- right?) I did not eat any greasy food but I did come home and eat stuff- between the alcohol and stuff- it must have been 1000 extra calories- even though I tried to plan ahead that day and eat several satisfying meals and a protein bar. The next morning- I was puffed up like a balloon- I tried to eat ok- the next couple days- maximum calories I thought but not over. Monday night I go to WWs and I am up 4.4 pounds- even though the leader said- "don't look- just go back to normal, its probably all water weight and sodium"- I of course looked and got all stressed.
I didn't exercise cause I was being oppositional- hurting myself- this went on for several days- about every other day I managed to get on the bike.

At work-I grazed all day on my healthy snacks. I decided that part of the problem there is I eat at my desk while I am doing other things- At wws I did hear a suggestion about bringing a tray to work and laying out your lunch on it to make a more formal lunch- which I am going to try when I have picked up a nice little tray that makes me happy to see it.

Then at night I would eat my healthy supper and about 11pm pick on the rest of the family's leftovers-Yuck. Thursday night when my husband suggested meeting him and my son at a neighborhood Italian place I said yes. I thought I was picking out a healthier fish meal and it ended up being breaded covered with cheese. I ate garlic bread- later around 11pm I ate the ziti and sauce I didn't eat at restaurant.

Yesterday was a little better but I ended up eating beans and the leftover hotdog at night again.

Today I was hoping for a fresh start after I have confessed all my sins but last night a dress and jacket I had ordered for a wedding in two weeks came- despite ordering a larger size than I thought- it was too tight through the body of the dress- my boobs seemed to have migrated to my sides and stomach.

I am very discouraged- I knew this was a crucial time because I usually lose about 35 pounds- last about 3 months and then relapse. It's been 4 1/2 months and I have lost about 44 pounds- I am trying to push through this but its hard- I don't want to fail again. My after work obligations are slowing down so I should be able to be back on SparkPeople for more time in the evening which I know helps.
I know this problem is coming from my old patterns- it is not work stress because I am more happy and fulfilled then I have been in 20 years, I do get paid a lot less which I am trying to get used to but it affects how much I can do for myself and my sons which could be a factor.

Anyway please stay with me spark friends- I have so many examples of sticking with it and positive support on here I know I can do it- if I keep pushing- maybe tiny baby steps but I will.
thanks for listening

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Blessings in disguise and a long journey...

Monday, May 06, 2013

Almost 9 months ago I was fired from the job I'd had since before I was married or had children- the first job I got out of graduate school- I was totally blindsided. At the same time- I was unhealthy, constantly stressed, unhappy and totally immersed in disfunction.

I immediately started applying for new jobs- I would struggle to make it from the parking lot and worry if I would fit in the interview chairs, I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

In December I visited with my girlfriend and we talked about how out of shape we both were- she suggested we go to weight watchers after the new year. I decided to give it a try and while I waited for her to find a meeting we could both attend, I remembered hearing about sparkpeople as a help for weight loss. So while I waited for WWs I went on and started exploring. I did both things at the same time though my heart belonged to Sparkpeople very quickly- I tracked my food and my exercise and I read and read and read......

I found a world of caring people from all different circumstances- from all over the world, all trying to find a new healthy life. Some had lots of weight to lose, some small but all wanted to recover from the hold food had on their lives.
Little by little I got healthier, I kept applying for jobs and went on interviews for two more jobs.
The last job I interviewed for is the new job I have now- I don't make anywhere near as much money as I used to but I feel like I am where I am supposed to be.

Now I work with people who are in recovery for other reasons- mental illness, drugs, alcohol- some food as well. And all the things I have learned from you and my own journey help me support these people-we work on taking one day at a time, building people up with their strengths and supporting them when they feel or get stuck. 99% of them are in far worse circumstances than I have ever been in but we speak the same language of healing. I learn from them and believe I can be with them in their struggle better than I ever could have been.

The terrible experience I had in September was a blessing in disguise which is a cliche but so true. Two of my best friends have talked not just about my weight loss but about how healthier and happier I am. I love my job- ( i am not totally crazy- the paperwork and bureaucracy can be overwhelming.) but I have a job that matches my strengths and supports my own health.

And as we all know this is a journey- while I am thrilled with the 50 pounds I lost- I still have a long way to go- exercise I enjoy the most when its over- food goes up and down but overall I feel like I am becoming more myself. The NSVs have been wonderful- I am no longer out of breath by the time I walk to the garage from my house- I go shopping and no longer have a back ache when I am half way through or am drenched in sweat in the middle of winter. I am eating healthier than I have in years and most of the time I prefer those foods-
Spark people has gotten me closer to my true self than I've been in years.

Much as I would like to believe I am out of the woods with my food problems I know I am not- the smallest emotional upset can make me want to go for the food but I am proud to say I have never had an all out binge since I started. I know I am fortunate- my weight loss has been dramatic but I know it will slow down and I will be on plateaus and the old eating patterns will be calling my name but now I know I can always come here and find someone or something that will give me support and help me stop or at least slow down.
And everyone on here- no matter what kind of difficult time they are having has something to help someone else with- funny stories, inspirational pictures and words- we can help each other on sparkpeople while helping ourselves and that is the best gift of all.

And now that I have bored you all with my Sunday sermon- I am going to bed!

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Glad the weekend is over....

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Well, it wasn't the worst weekend but it wasn't the best either.

I got very frustrated and sad and mad- mainly because of drama in the family between my sons and then between my husband and me- who is NOT my biggest fan.

On a positive note my younger son Nate went with me both days to see my mom at rehab which was good. She is a little more lively when he is there though she has a new roommate who can't hear anything she says to her AND must have half the population of the town coming to see her every day. It makes it a little awkward to try and have a conversation. The three previous roommates were great so I guess 75% is a good average.

When he goes with me it means that I run out of time to stop and take a short walk which I did a couple days a week last week. Today he went with me because he and my older son were not getting along and he needed some distance. He was feeling frustrated and unhappy- which lead him to want to try Popeye's chicken on way home. Which he did not like- I ordered a shrimp po boy- which I liked but left me with few calories for later.

We came home to more negativity which just got me down- I will be so happy when I am earning my own money again- even though it will not be that much.
Anyway I felt really sad and all I could think of was eating chocolate- Nate brought me a vita muffin top which was good. But I wanted more- ended up eating a small bit of his chocolate Easter bunny and then hot chocolate with marshmallows. I haven't felt that kind of sad eating in several months.

I did finally get up out of my slump and go back to work on laundry- I put in my time on the exercise bike and now I am looking forward to tomorrow.
It is my last week before work starts- I have a lunch date tomorrow with my friend I haven't seen since November and then later in day I meet another social worker to clinically supervise her- which I really enjoy. And in between I will make a reluctant appt with the
dentist. I already have my breakfast and dinner planned to accommodate my lunch date.

Looking forward to a healthy, happier Monday-
thanks for being here Spark Friends!

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Blindsided by Moose....

Saturday, April 06, 2013

So I have been having a good week so far. I got through the Easter weekend and a small incident with a chocolate mint pie...pretty well. I am feeling good and adding walking to my exercise. I am loving my greek yogurt with flax meal and I think okay, I am ready for the added challenge of doing this healthy lifestyle while working.
I still have one week left and I am planning on sorting through clothes and sending them on to good will so my clothes are organized before I start work in a week.

As further proof of my together, mindful state I am reading Oprah. Its 1am, my 19 yr old son comes home from visiting with a friend after work. He hands me the black garbage bags I have been waiting for. But then he starts pulling stuff out of the pouch on his hoodie-
"Grandpa sent this to us, I guess his brother's wife sent a package for Easter"

I look up-he hands me pastel bunny corn, little foil covered chocolate balls- so far- no problem. Then because this is a package from Harry and Davids (an american company that sells packages of goodies including fruit, cookies etc for holidays.) he hands me a little bag of MOOSE MUNCH! Moose Munch is like caramel popcorn but so much better- including little nuggets of chocolate covered nuts and caramel popcorn. I LOVE MOOSE MUNCH!

I immediately start trying to open the little package which is sealed very tightly- do I pay attention to how resistant the package is? no, I keep fighting with the package. finally getting it open and stuffing the chocolate covered pieces in my mouth .
My son Nate is looking at me strangely- it is so delicious! I am eating piece after piece. My conscience is starting to say- "what are you doing Marianne?"
When "OW!" I am stopped by my tooth that has been hurting that needs to be pulled. (which is another story.)
My son says- "Well that was a dumb thing to be chewing on that with your tooth- what are you doing????"
I return to reality- my tooth hurts and I just realize that I am eating moose munch..
I hand it to my son- "get it out of here-" he puts it on a side table.
"NO, I say- you need to hide it- take it upstairs- and take the candy corn and the chocolate balls too!"
I can't believe I almost consumed a whole little bag of moose munch- at least all the chocolate pieces.

BUT I was saved by my bad tooth and now I will go put it in my food tracker...

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thanks for so many things..

Friday, March 29, 2013

Well the last six months of my life had been a down hill trip until January when things started a gradual up-turn.
September was when I was fired which threw me for a major whammy and I stayed mired in that for a while- getting more and more depressed and being pulled down with my mother's health issues.
Then in December a friend and I made a pact to go to WWs- someplace I had resisted all my life except for going once when I was about 20 and hated it.
While I waited for our agreed upon start day in January- I was starting to get motivated and remembered reading about spark people in people's weight loss success stories.

So I looked for it and things started to slowly get better. At first I was totally lost on the website but I focused on reading people's success stories- I think Indy girl's was the first.
I put in my info and got a calorie plan and exercise suggestion. I went to WWs- still not liking it but kept going to get weighed so I wouldn't obsess about scale at home and move it twenty times around the room to change the number.

I started reading blogs and getting friends- my husband bought an exercise bike for himself but I started using it every day- first for 2 min at a time- now 30 min.

I kept looking for jobs- came extremely close to getting one but then didn't.

Still stayed on sparkpeople and met more new friends- people who had all kinds of problems but were learning not to eat over them and were getting more healthy. Started eating lots of fruits and veggies- they are free foods at WWs and grew to have them covering more than half my plate. Made my family all kinds of spark recipes- some they liked so I made them again.

Interviewed for a new job and was so pleased that I fit in interview chair and was not out of breath walking from the parking lot. Mom went in hospital but I didn't let myself eat over it.
Started looking forward to going to WWs.

So here I am now almost in April- I have lost 33 pounds- close to 10% body weight and am getting ready for my next level of challenge-
I am starting a new job on the 15th that I am very excited about- not as much money as old job but I have learned to live with less money and my husband finally realized he needed to help pay for groceries. My mother is getting better and hopefully will be out of rehab before I start my new job.

I now have to make plans for how I will eat and cook not being home all day and still be healthy. I have to plan my exercise out more carefully. I am going to use the tracker on my phone during the day to stay on top of food. I have to find a night WWs group that I like as much as I have learned to like the morning one.

BUT- most important of all I have to make sure that I still have plenty of time on SparkPeople to check in with friends and read blogs and recipes etc etc because I wouldn't be at this place without all of you.
I still have a long weight loss journey to be on and want to continue my healthy living for the rest of my life. I could not have done it without you and SparkPeople.
A bad time in my life has turned into huge positive changes for me and I am so grateful-
(maybe I should send my old boss a thankyou note for firing me- lol!)

So thank you again, I know I will need everyone even more now as I deal with the continuing challenges of being healthy in a stressful world but I am committed more than ever to being part of this community to help myself and others!

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