MARIANNE9855   10,906
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what I have learned...

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Through a combination of reasons- I haven't been on spark people or gone to WWs in about a month- I didn't exercise- I had a couple binges- I ate more regular food.

I didn't realize how much WWs was actually helping me until I went back yesterday am at 7!

(With my new job I was spending too much time after work trying to catch up on my paperwork- something that I am still trying to figure out. I love working with all my clients but the crazy paperwork, production expectations etc has me pretty stressed. I have never been good at B--Sh---and that is probably my problem- I don't know how to BS the paperwork. But I am successful with the clients so I will figure it out.)

so attending WWs was the first step to drop because I could not make it to after work meetings. I started eating less diet/healthy food for numerous reasons- mainly because I was sick of the food and wanting what everyone else ate. My son has been losing weight so he helped me not go back completely to daily overeating. I stopped exercising- just lazy and tired.
LASTLY- the computer fried- no way to go on spark people- not much hope of getting a new one though my son has one that I sometimes can use-am on it today.
Found that w/o tracking I really do forget what I have eaten even if its a bunch of small things.

So Friday I made an appt to get my nails done at 9 and then I thought "why don't you just go to the early WWs meeting" So I got up early- not as early as I'd like and I went back to the location I started at in January. It was a different leader I relate much better to-a more diverse group of people and I felt much more comfortable. The theme was "slipups" but the biggest surprize was I had actually lost 1.2 pounds from the weight I had gained in the beginning of July. Now I am only 2.4 from the lowest I had gotten to. So I took all of these little things as a sign and recommitted myself to keep moving forward.
blogs- I am going to worry less about spark streaks because I just can't get on every day but I am still moving forward and I so missed all my sparkfriends

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBIGENE 8/5/2013 8:22PM

    Hi hon so nice to see you back !!! See you didn't do as bad as you thought, so good for you !!! You're a winner simply because you are here now !!! Sometimes life just get's in our way and we have to find our way back. I just look at things like this as another hurdle along the way that we have to jump over ... some are just bigger or smaller than others but as long as we keep going we are a success !!!

HUGS !!!

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1EMMA2011 8/4/2013 3:41PM

    Welcome back and this makes so much sense to me - to combine two programs into one and maximize support!

Congratulations on losing and Welcome Home!!

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another hard week....

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Well I believe that I am officially in a trough/semi relapse- not enough to gain more than one or two pounds- I missed WWs on Monday- I was stuck at work finishing paperwork (in the mental health system- at least where I work- all notes have to be done in 24 hrs- some people wait until the next day- but you see 7 or 8 more people the next day and I could see it getting completely out of control.)
So I don't know if I actually gained any weight or not- I'll find out next monday.

But I am so exhausted when I get home all I want to do is sleep and eat comfort food-
I haven't really been eating comfort food but eating too much because I don't feel satisfied.
Then the weekend comes and I am depressed after the pace of work. Work is very busy and emotionally satisfying - and I get a lot of positive reinforcement.

so anyway, I know the solution is within me but I am kind of being a slug right now- but I keep coming on and trying to push through this to get to the other side-
hopefully July will be a better month-

thanks for reading spark friends emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONEYCART07 6/27/2013 9:50AM

    I know just how you feel I have been there the last 3 or 4 weeks myself. Try something in your diet and in excersize that is new. That always seems to help me. It put your body in shock going what the heck are you doing this isn't normal. It helps you to lose weight in a little spert and gets you motivated again. Hang in the lady you will get there! More then anything just don't stop if you just keep moving you will make it. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BJUMPINGFORJOY 6/26/2013 9:32PM

    I have some days like that too but we just have to keep on trying and not beat up on our selves. I know that you will get there.

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REFFIE1 6/26/2013 9:28PM

    You can do this! You are still trying very hard and sometimes you need a little extra comfort. As long as you don't go overboard you should be okay. Try and get back on track by taking it one meal at a time. It is always easier if you break things down into something manageable. emoticon

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LETHA_ 6/26/2013 9:05PM

    Hang in there. We're rooting for you.
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this is hard

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I am on spark people early in the am looking for motivation- I am pretty consistently about 300 calories above my limit most days and struggling with the exercise. I have been in this funk for about 3 weeks- Ironically right after I had a loss of 7 pounds at WWs.

I always say life never gives you what you are prepared for and I have been going through that with my young adult sons- nothing horrendous- just things that are a trigger for me and make me feel sad and not in control- which of course I am not. Overall I have just felt kind of blah which has probably been influenced by the rain we had for a week. But there are sometimes lots of little disappointments that add up to a lot of sadness. If I didn't have my clients and my job where I feel like I am doing something worthwhile and valuable- I would probably feel worse.

Anyway I was reading some old blogs and message boards and there was a posting from somebody- who fitness came easier for and she was very critical of her relatives who she perceived as lazy and just not trying to lose weight- and the title was "I just don't get it."
I never usually respond to these things- it was 2 or 3 years old originally but there were responses on there from this year.
How I responded was with the information that for many of us- overeating is an addiction- if you are as old as me- you have probably been deep in it at least 30+ years. I work with MICA patients- people who have mental illness plus an addiction to something-drugs or alcohol etc.
Many of the things we tell them to do to get well are made so much harder with food-
obviously we can't just stop eating, we can't just stop going to the grocery store. Every day at every meal or occasion with food- our resolve is tested. Yes we plan our food, we plan our activity and try to get our brains ready but it is hard- there is never a break.

I have made many changes and have lost 50 pounds- ( which should make me very happy but makes me greedy for more loss.) But when something happens- I am feeling depressed and can't figure it out, the accumulation of many little things or sons who present me with challenges I feel somehow responsible for- my addiction comes to the forefront and says- "I'll make you feel better when you are lonely and sad- just ignore all the sensible things you know- I will calm you down and take care of you"
Is this influenced by other things in my life that aren't so great? of course but so is everyone else in their lives.

So what is my point- who knows- just know that if you are struggling and feel like you are stuck- just try to keep trying- keep coming on, write or read about your feelings- it does help.
Any kind of addiction is a terrible thing- and its hard work to keep it under control but reaching out and trying to help others does help ourselves-we can get better. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ITCANBEDONE2013 6/17/2013 9:27AM

  You describe it so well... down to that little voice in my mind soothingly saying it's ok to give in again and again! The little struggles that add up... taking on everyone's problems in the family and feeling I alone can and should tackle them! We are our harshest critics, we let our mind drive us harder than any bully would. Change is difficult but it is possible, bad habits can be broken, we can change the way we think and we can find a healthier outlet for our frustrations. We just need to keep the faith, be patient and keep sparking.

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BHEALTHY4ME1 6/17/2013 12:06AM

  Yes - reaching out does make you feel better. Even if all you say is "I know how you feel, & I hope it gets better." (I do.). Your blog summarizes why SparkPeople exists. Isn't if funny that even in SparkPeople there is a lack of understanding about emotional eating and food addiction? Even my family, who are supportive of my efforts do not "get it". It is complex, but it can be managed. emoticon emoticon

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TATTER3 6/16/2013 9:11PM

    I agree....I'm working on it...and I have done well, but I still have moments...when food seems to call me and I feel like I need to eat but don't know why. I've been able to control, but realize that a binge is just a choice away! Thanks for posting...

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DEBIGENE 6/16/2013 5:33PM

    When I feel like I want to binge at home from boredom, the only thing that brings me back to life is SPARKING, so I get up from my comfy chair and I start to SPARK. I read blogs and comment and I stop by and visit SP friends, and I read articles. It puts me back into the frame of mind I need to be.

BRAVO to you for doing what you need to do to stay focused as well. Hang in there, Stay strong !!!



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IAMFAT4NOW 6/16/2013 4:23PM

    Hey, thanks for commenting on my blog. I'm so glad you "get it". And you did hit the nail on the head. Food is an addiction and emotional eating is self-medicating so that is one thing I'm really looking into and dealing with. I've had my self esteem crushed over the last few years and only now am I reclaiming that part of me, and that work has affected how I'm doing on this journey - it's been helping. Keep trying....words to live by!

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IMAVISION 6/16/2013 4:16PM

    Hear Ima resounding "AMEN!" to your last sentence "Any kind of addiction is a terrible thing- and its hard work to keep it under control but reaching out and trying to help others does help ourselves-we can get better."

I was well into my fifties before I realized that I actually was faced with an addiction to foods. That enlightenment made a huge difference in how I approach food shopping, preparing our meals & in my eating choices.

I believe that you are so very blessed to have the insights you already have at such an early age.

I am rooting for you to succeed in all areas! emoticon emoticon

God bless!

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1EMMA2011 6/16/2013 10:13AM

    I have young adult sons and can relate to exactly what you are saying. There are times when it is REALLY tough.

I'd love to know more about your job. Sounds like a career I would enjoy!

One of my sons has 2 sleep disorders and is ADHD Inattentive. When people call him lazy I tend to feel frustrated and stand up for him as well as I try to educate them.

Here is something I have learned that may or may not help you. I've learned what my "weaknesses are" - one of them is feeling "psychologically" responsible. So I work on letting go of these things in various ways. One big way is to use my Strengths of reading, visualizing, achieving, thinking and relating to others. Reach out to me if you want to learn more (email is great!!)

We have a lot in common.

Please let me know if I can help you in any way!!

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LISA579 6/16/2013 9:58AM

    I agree with you wrinting your feeling and being hinest does help.As for people who dont get why we are the way e are.....it is an adiction and umlike other addicts we cant stop eating. We have to learn to view it as fuel and not something to make us feel beeter. You can get pst this difficulty.

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CELEST 6/16/2013 9:14AM

    I see you don't have a food tracker in operation. I promise you that making that visible will help keep you truer. Its hard to think what to advise you when I have no idea what you are eating. But I'll take a flying guess and suggest that you eat 5 - 6 meals a day and make sure you eat lean protein with most of your meals and snacks....whether its nuts and fruit for snacks, or yogurt and fruit or egg and toast for your main meals, chicken and salad etc. The cleaner you eat, the more veggies you eat, the rawer you eat......the less likely the sabotage. Hope that helps you. You are welcome to look at my food tracker for tips. I've lost 14kgs in 3.5 months.

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AUNTB63 6/16/2013 9:01AM

    We all have trials and how we deal with them is key to moving forward. Your idea of keep trying is commendable. If we don't keep trying we will never reap the benefits of our efforts. Controlling our addictions is a hard road, but we keep working that path everyday. This was a great blog and I might add inspiring to many. emoticon

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EVIE4NOW 6/16/2013 7:14AM

  Think you said it all. I have tried to find something else to do when I just feel like snacking.. sometimes works.. sometimes doesn't.

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GHOSTFLAMES 6/16/2013 6:33AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI 6/16/2013 6:00AM

    Great blog - well said!!

Kris

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why?

Sunday, June 09, 2013

No great insights today- just trying to push through my own self-sabotaging and eating to deal with emotional stress. I know better, I know what to say to everyone else and as a therapist to other people- I do it everyday and most people feel better because of our connection.
So why do I do the things I do- eat too much- spend too much and then feel like I am hiding the real me from people who depend on me.
Even as I say this-I know I am only human and not perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. Sometimes I just want my mind to be quieter-I want to have my trigger foods and eat a small portion and be satisfied but that isn't going to happen.
I guess if I didn't have some bad days I wouldn't appreciate the good ones.
Tomorrow or later today, I am going to try and stay busy so I don't have time to stay in this rut and then it will be Monday where it is a lot easier at work.
(Except for going to WWs monday night to weigh in which I do NOT want to do)

thanks again to all my spark friends and spark people in general- this place prevents me from going too far off the track so I don't give up.
I am going to keep working on "faking it until I make it" emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MCFITZ2 6/9/2013 6:03PM

    I will be 69 years old in 1 week. My weight has been an issue since I was 2 years old.
I know the old advice, the new advice, the elation of losing, the shame of gaining. It is like a merry go round. Some times up some times down around and around and around. I won't give up because I am chasing a goal.
I assume you are also human and with all our knowledge, being able to practice what we know is sometimes very hard. Don't beat your self up. Love who you are on the inside. That does make the struggle easier to bear. emoticon emoticon

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TATTER3 6/9/2013 9:51AM

    We live...we experience...we learn...and we live better if we're wise. You're not alone. It's a day by day, step by step life...just keep Sparkin'...it will happen.

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DEBIGENE 6/9/2013 8:44AM

    Just a suggestion ...... spend the day today being busy making single serve snack packs. Use the snack zip lock bags and place SS size portions in each bag of things like nuts, dried fruit, cereal, pretzels, ect so you have a grab and go snack ready at all times. This saves money and time and if you must think of food today this may just be your diversion !!!

Don't beat yourself up just recognize your downfalls and make efforts to correct/change them. It takes time to change sweetie we have all been there and you will get there. Just stay strong and most of all stay POSITIVE and know that you can do this !!!

HUGS !!! emoticon emoticon

You're doing - emoticon

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FERRETLOVER1 6/9/2013 7:44AM

    Even though you know what to say to someone else, it's hard to say the same things to yourself. You know what to do - but you don't always do it. We all have been there and done that...just hang in there!

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GAYLE-G-63 6/9/2013 12:47AM

    I understand how you feel. I have many days like this. No great insight either. But it always helps to know you're not alone. emoticon

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the joy of Non Scale Victories!

Sunday, June 02, 2013

When I started this weight loss journey in January- I was sick of being "SICK AND TIRED' as they say in the addiction field.
I could not get from the house to the garage without being winded- (a very short distance but slightly up hill), I could not go shopping anywhere without a cart and by the time I reached the checkout at the grocery store I was covered with sweat- my back would hurt-

Anywhere we went as a family- I would wanted to be dropped off- in my car I used my mother's handicapped sticker so I could use handicapped parking. There were countless humiliating times when I was working that I could not keep up with people walking from place to place.
One night I was on call and had to go to an ER to see a little boy in crisis and I had to park maybe 1/10th mile from hospital and walk all over the hospital to the right dept- I was so out of shape- I had to stop numerous times to rest and would be out of breath by the time I got there- so embarrassing! Then there was the time I took my dad to drs office and there was literally no chair I could fit in. (I carry at least 70% of my weight from the waist down.)

My younger son was embarrassed by me- my older son was worried about me- I was so embarrassed and humiliated by myself but couldn't seem to change.

When I started in January- I just wanted to feel better and 5 months later I feel so different I can hardly believe it.
Today was a big milestone for me- my family went out to a racino place with a buffet for my mother-in-law's birthday. We parked probably 5 or 6 double rows back- I got out of the car and walked to the building- all of a sudden I'm thinking to myself- "look at you walking- you are actually ahead of the rest of the family"- we walked in and had to go up some stairs- about two flight worth and then walked more into the right section of the restaurant. Now my left knee is not great so I do need to use railing but I was not winded- I was not sweating!

I was very excited and kept telling my sons- "can you believe it?" tonight I walked home from my mom's - just a couple blocks but last time I bothered my back hurt and I was tired.

As I said before- I am 70% butt and no boobs but I had old bras I had bought years ago that were supposed to re-arrange what you had to look a lot better. I can fit in them now! As long as I am dressed it looks pretty good.

I have lost 55 pounds, I am still a little over 300 and have lots more to go but I am feeling so positive. I have achieved the biggest wish I had which was not to be humiliated during "normal activities" These NSVs have totally given me a new lease on wanting to move and eat healthy and keep it up. This weekend I was around a lot of delicious foods but stuck with my fruits, veggies, salad, shrimp, fish and I feel good- the rich fattening food was not really calling my name. I felt satisfied that I could eat my more filling food- which took a longer time and was much more satisfying than a small dense fatty food that took a minute or two to eat.

And I have to thank you all my spark friends- your advice, support and stories keep me going.
To me its like an online AA meeting for food addiction that has been what I was missing before and what is helping me succeed. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMFAT4NOW 6/9/2013 11:28AM

    WOW! I sat here smiling as I read this, I could just feel your pride and your happiness over what you've accomplished. I'm so proud of you! Look at you go! Congratulations on your success so far and thanks for sharing your journey! WOOHOO!

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CRYERMAMA 6/3/2013 7:01PM

    Awesome! You have come so far. You should be very proud. Keep up the good work. emoticon

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MCYNDYM 6/3/2013 5:32PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love the line: "[SP is] like an online AA meeting for food addiction that has been what I was missing before and what is helping me succeed..."

I'm glad you see the little changes that make your journey worth the effort! Hugs my friend!

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KIRSTENLYNN62 6/2/2013 11:08PM

    What a great blog! I am so happy for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HWNHMMBRD 6/2/2013 9:41PM

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