Through a combination of reasons- I haven't been on spark people or gone to WWs in about a month- I didn't exercise- I had a couple binges- I ate more regular food.
I didn't realize how much WWs was actually helping me until I went back yesterday am at 7!
(With my new job I was spending too much time after work trying to catch up on my paperwork- something that I am still trying to figure out. I love working with all my clients but the crazy paperwork, production expectations etc has me pretty stressed. I have never been good at B--Sh---and that is probably my problem- I don't know how to BS the paperwork. But I am successful with the clients so I will figure it out.)
so attending WWs was the first step to drop because I could not make it to after work meetings. I started eating less diet/healthy food for numerous reasons- mainly because I was sick of the food and wanting what everyone else ate. My son has been losing weight so he helped me not go back completely to daily overeating. I stopped exercising- just lazy and tired.
LASTLY- the computer fried- no way to go on spark people- not much hope of getting a new one though my son has one that I sometimes can use-am on it today.
Found that w/o tracking I really do forget what I have eaten even if its a bunch of small things.
So Friday I made an appt to get my nails done at 9 and then I thought "why don't you just go to the early WWs meeting" So I got up early- not as early as I'd like and I went back to the location I started at in January. It was a different leader I relate much better to-a more diverse group of people and I felt much more comfortable. The theme was "slipups" but the biggest surprize was I had actually lost 1.2 pounds from the weight I had gained in the beginning of July. Now I am only 2.4 from the lowest I had gotten to. So I took all of these little things as a sign and recommitted myself to keep moving forward.
blogs- I am going to worry less about spark streaks because I just can't get on every day but I am still moving forward and I so missed all my sparkfriends
Well I believe that I am officially in a trough/semi relapse- not enough to gain more than one or two pounds- I missed WWs on Monday- I was stuck at work finishing paperwork (in the mental health system- at least where I work- all notes have to be done in 24 hrs- some people wait until the next day- but you see 7 or 8 more people the next day and I could see it getting completely out of control.)
So I don't know if I actually gained any weight or not- I'll find out next monday.
But I am so exhausted when I get home all I want to do is sleep and eat comfort food-
I haven't really been eating comfort food but eating too much because I don't feel satisfied.
Then the weekend comes and I am depressed after the pace of work. Work is very busy and emotionally satisfying - and I get a lot of positive reinforcement.
so anyway, I know the solution is within me but I am kind of being a slug right now- but I keep coming on and trying to push through this to get to the other side-
hopefully July will be a better month-
I am on spark people early in the am looking for motivation- I am pretty consistently about 300 calories above my limit most days and struggling with the exercise. I have been in this funk for about 3 weeks- Ironically right after I had a loss of 7 pounds at WWs.
I always say life never gives you what you are prepared for and I have been going through that with my young adult sons- nothing horrendous- just things that are a trigger for me and make me feel sad and not in control- which of course I am not. Overall I have just felt kind of blah which has probably been influenced by the rain we had for a week. But there are sometimes lots of little disappointments that add up to a lot of sadness. If I didn't have my clients and my job where I feel like I am doing something worthwhile and valuable- I would probably feel worse.
Anyway I was reading some old blogs and message boards and there was a posting from somebody- who fitness came easier for and she was very critical of her relatives who she perceived as lazy and just not trying to lose weight- and the title was "I just don't get it."
I never usually respond to these things- it was 2 or 3 years old originally but there were responses on there from this year.
How I responded was with the information that for many of us- overeating is an addiction- if you are as old as me- you have probably been deep in it at least 30+ years. I work with MICA patients- people who have mental illness plus an addiction to something-drugs or alcohol etc.
Many of the things we tell them to do to get well are made so much harder with food-
obviously we can't just stop eating, we can't just stop going to the grocery store. Every day at every meal or occasion with food- our resolve is tested. Yes we plan our food, we plan our activity and try to get our brains ready but it is hard- there is never a break.
I have made many changes and have lost 50 pounds- ( which should make me very happy but makes me greedy for more loss.) But when something happens- I am feeling depressed and can't figure it out, the accumulation of many little things or sons who present me with challenges I feel somehow responsible for- my addiction comes to the forefront and says- "I'll make you feel better when you are lonely and sad- just ignore all the sensible things you know- I will calm you down and take care of you"
Is this influenced by other things in my life that aren't so great? of course but so is everyone else in their lives.
So what is my point- who knows- just know that if you are struggling and feel like you are stuck- just try to keep trying- keep coming on, write or read about your feelings- it does help.
Any kind of addiction is a terrible thing- and its hard work to keep it under control but reaching out and trying to help others does help ourselves-we can get better.
No great insights today- just trying to push through my own self-sabotaging and eating to deal with emotional stress. I know better, I know what to say to everyone else and as a therapist to other people- I do it everyday and most people feel better because of our connection.
So why do I do the things I do- eat too much- spend too much and then feel like I am hiding the real me from people who depend on me.
Even as I say this-I know I am only human and not perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. Sometimes I just want my mind to be quieter-I want to have my trigger foods and eat a small portion and be satisfied but that isn't going to happen.
I guess if I didn't have some bad days I wouldn't appreciate the good ones.
Tomorrow or later today, I am going to try and stay busy so I don't have time to stay in this rut and then it will be Monday where it is a lot easier at work.
(Except for going to WWs monday night to weigh in which I do NOT want to do)
thanks again to all my spark friends and spark people in general- this place prevents me from going too far off the track so I don't give up.
I am going to keep working on "faking it until I make it"
When I started this weight loss journey in January- I was sick of being "SICK AND TIRED' as they say in the addiction field.
I could not get from the house to the garage without being winded- (a very short distance but slightly up hill), I could not go shopping anywhere without a cart and by the time I reached the checkout at the grocery store I was covered with sweat- my back would hurt-
Anywhere we went as a family- I would wanted to be dropped off- in my car I used my mother's handicapped sticker so I could use handicapped parking. There were countless humiliating times when I was working that I could not keep up with people walking from place to place.
One night I was on call and had to go to an ER to see a little boy in crisis and I had to park maybe 1/10th mile from hospital and walk all over the hospital to the right dept- I was so out of shape- I had to stop numerous times to rest and would be out of breath by the time I got there- so embarrassing! Then there was the time I took my dad to drs office and there was literally no chair I could fit in. (I carry at least 70% of my weight from the waist down.)
My younger son was embarrassed by me- my older son was worried about me- I was so embarrassed and humiliated by myself but couldn't seem to change.
When I started in January- I just wanted to feel better and 5 months later I feel so different I can hardly believe it.
Today was a big milestone for me- my family went out to a racino place with a buffet for my mother-in-law's birthday. We parked probably 5 or 6 double rows back- I got out of the car and walked to the building- all of a sudden I'm thinking to myself- "look at you walking- you are actually ahead of the rest of the family"- we walked in and had to go up some stairs- about two flight worth and then walked more into the right section of the restaurant. Now my left knee is not great so I do need to use railing but I was not winded- I was not sweating!
I was very excited and kept telling my sons- "can you believe it?" tonight I walked home from my mom's - just a couple blocks but last time I bothered my back hurt and I was tired.
As I said before- I am 70% butt and no boobs but I had old bras I had bought years ago that were supposed to re-arrange what you had to look a lot better. I can fit in them now! As long as I am dressed it looks pretty good.
I have lost 55 pounds, I am still a little over 300 and have lots more to go but I am feeling so positive. I have achieved the biggest wish I had which was not to be humiliated during "normal activities" These NSVs have totally given me a new lease on wanting to move and eat healthy and keep it up. This weekend I was around a lot of delicious foods but stuck with my fruits, veggies, salad, shrimp, fish and I feel good- the rich fattening food was not really calling my name. I felt satisfied that I could eat my more filling food- which took a longer time and was much more satisfying than a small dense fatty food that took a minute or two to eat.
And I have to thank you all my spark friends- your advice, support and stories keep me going.
To me its like an online AA meeting for food addiction that has been what I was missing before and what is helping me succeed.