Monday, April 21, 2014
Well I ate what I wanted but in moderation. I made and brought spinach artichoke dip and everyone loved it but I stayed away from it for the most part. I had dinner with the family and then later that night at home I snacked on fresh veggies. All in all I think it was a success although my ratios were screwy.
My younger sister is a force to be reckoned with on any given day. I wish we were closer but we haven't been for a very long time. She keeps me at arms length and I have to respect that. Over the years I've attempted to bridge the gap but it always turned out badly and it's just too much emotion and hurt to try again. We are who we are. We are very different people in so many ways although I think we both want what is best for our loved ones.
I don't talk about Sparkpeople or my lifestyle change or anything else around my family. My mom tries to be supportive but only so far as it doesn't impact my enjoyment of what she provides. Then I hear a lot of "Oh well one small piece isn't going to kill you!" She means well and she's right it's not going to kill me so I take the path of least resistance. There is a lot of history there where I didn't take that path and frankly I just don't have the strength or the fortitude to go through that again.
My sister on the other hand is a challenge. She went from a size 20 to a size 10 with hard work, watching her caloric intake and serious working out which included cardio, weights, kick boxing, dance aerobics or whatever else she could fit into her day. She was a machine! She looked amazing and she felt amazing. Something happened along the way and she has gained that weight back. Now she says things like "Diets don't work" and "There is no such thing as a lifestyle change" and she goes on long rants about how it's a waste of time to eat healthy because it is not sustainable and I will fail. She has moments of clarity (or what she perceives as clarity) where she lands on a new plan for changing her life and currently it is a book by Cameron Diaz. Before it was a doctor who ... oh heck I don't remember what he did or said but it had some basis in fact I do remember that.
I don't begrudge her the process at all. We all have to do what works for us but she is extremely derogatory toward me and my plan with downward sweeps of her eyes as if to say "See I mean look at you." I used to let it hurt my feelings and true to form I'd reach for another slice of something as if to prove to her that my lifestyle change does work but more likely just proved to her that I was weak thus she was right - it was not sustainable.
My sister is an absolutely breath taking cook. She is a natural really. She knows how to throw things together like no one I've ever known and her presentation is stunning as well. She made bacon wrapped asparagus with a swiss cheese béchamel sauce for Easter dinner last night. It was beautifully presented and the taste was out of this world. The asparagus were just the right amount of cooked and the sauce was to die for. As always it was the absolute hit of the meal.
My brothers don't make comments often but when they do they're supportive and helpful. The youngest will say things like "Yeah remember when we were kids and people used to say you were too skinny? You can be that again." His way of being encouraging. Or he'll see an old picture and say "Wow who's this?" knowing full well it was me. The older one is a genius and he knows so much about so many things so he will occasionally jump on the science of weight loss or he'll suggest ways for me to consume more fatty proteins and make them fit within my plan. He also makes great suggestions for preparing my foods using spices etc as he is a pretty darn good cook himself.
My Dad was the cheerleader in his own inimitable way. He would say "That's good keep doing what you're doing" or "Make sure you're eating enough of the right foods" and "high cholesterol runs in the family" and "When were you last tested for diabetes?" My favorite was "Eat like your sister does look at what she accomplished." LOL okay so not always a cheerleader but he really was supportive and encouraging and even though I'd been down this path a million times every time he would say "You're strong enough to do this if you just stick with it. Be strong." I miss him so much.
I'm taking the next two days off work. I have nothing scheduled except for my first visit to a pain management doctor tomorrow afternoon. I also need to pick up groceries for the week but I figured that could wait until tomorrow night. My plan today is to clean my kitchen, empty my refrigerator and freezer of anything old or that I won't eat and throw it away. Then I'll focus on the pantry.
For now though I'm taking a mini vacation from my life. I never do this but I am sitting on my bed typing this blog entry. I have just finished a ham and cheese roll (no bread) and a couple handfuls of baby carrots dipped in 2 tbsp. of ranch dressing and I am on my fourth 20 oz bottle of water. I have an Alex Cross book upended next to me and a breeze gently blowing the blinds while I sit and enjoy this afternoon propped up on pillows looking out the window into the quiet street. Now back to Alex Cross.