MARY1964   25,857
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Well four days off plan

Thursday, April 24, 2014

I'm not thrilled with myself. I'm pretty sure I've undone some of the good. I just kept giving myself permission with every bite. I have to say it wasn't worth it. I feel bloated and swollen and my stomach isn't feeling so hot this morning. I'm sure a lot of the stomach upset is the new medications I'm taking so I'm not going to stress too much about that. I'm going to give myself ten days to get accustomed to the medication then see where we are.

Eating healthy however starts today. I just had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and I'll have a protein shake for snack later. Chicken salad for lunch with some carrots. Dinner will be chicken with two veggie sides - maybe sauteed spinach with balsamic and parmesan and a sweet potato. I need to up my fiber intake but I'll give my stomach a couple of days to get back on track first.

So without going into a lot of boring detail it seems clear from the initial exam that I have some permanent irrepairable nerve damage. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I'm pretty upset. I just wasn't prepared to hear that there are symptoms or problems I have now that cannot be fixed. I have to schedule an MRI and that scares me on a few fronts. 1) I'm obese and these machines are limited in their capacity. What this means is I have to go in and have them see if I can climb in and if I can fit comfortably. That's not the least bit awkward right? 2) I'm claustrophobic which means I have to take something to relax me before I go into the machine. I have to take time off work and have someone drive me to and from because I won't be able to drive after until the valium wears off. 3) It's a FREAKING MRI!

I cannot begin to explain how close I am to losing it right now. I feel like such a coward and a baby. I've had a CT scan before and it was pretty weird but I got through it. People reassure me that this is not any worse but I wasn't inside this machine for an HOUR and a HALF which is what they're telling me I'll be in for with this test. My head will be partially out according to the tech so that makes me feel a little better but the thought of being enclosed in this machine with no way to move or take a drink really unnerves me. I had an honest to goodness panic attack when I went to a sleep study just having the wires attached to the wall and knowing that I couldn't get free unless they came in and detached me ... wire by wire. I had to sign myself out and leave in the middle of the night. This isn't in my head this is a real fear - just thinking about it now makes me apprehensive. Oh and let's not even get started on putting on a hospital gown. Ugh!

Okay I'm shaking it off now and headed to the MRI place at lunch to see what this is all about.


Vacation over

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

and it might be a good thing since even though I stayed okay on caloric intake my ratios were very off. Lots of fats.

I guess we'll see how badly or how much damage I've done in the next week or so.

My appointment with the pain management doctor was really good. There's a lot for me to process so I'll wait until I've slogged through it all before I blog about it.

I'm on three more "all the time" meds which irritates me but I'm optimistic that there is a light at the end of this crazy tunnel. Muscle relaxers and pain meds so my body needs to become accustomed to them. PT starts on Monday.

More later I'm still kind of figuring it all out. It's not like I wanted an instant fix or anything but the prognosis was not altogether positive and I'm trying not to let it get me down.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNOWYOGA 4/23/2014 11:43PM

    I like that you are (trying) to stay in good spirits, and that you are getting some help. I do want to hear more when you get more info. and see how the meds are helping emoticon emoticon emoticon I'm here with you if I can, even if it's just to listen!

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Monday, April 21, 2014

Well I ate what I wanted but in moderation. I made and brought spinach artichoke dip and everyone loved it but I stayed away from it for the most part. I had dinner with the family and then later that night at home I snacked on fresh veggies. All in all I think it was a success although my ratios were screwy.

My younger sister is a force to be reckoned with on any given day. I wish we were closer but we haven't been for a very long time. She keeps me at arms length and I have to respect that. Over the years I've attempted to bridge the gap but it always turned out badly and it's just too much emotion and hurt to try again. We are who we are. We are very different people in so many ways although I think we both want what is best for our loved ones.

I don't talk about Sparkpeople or my lifestyle change or anything else around my family. My mom tries to be supportive but only so far as it doesn't impact my enjoyment of what she provides. Then I hear a lot of "Oh well one small piece isn't going to kill you!" She means well and she's right it's not going to kill me so I take the path of least resistance. There is a lot of history there where I didn't take that path and frankly I just don't have the strength or the fortitude to go through that again.

My sister on the other hand is a challenge. She went from a size 20 to a size 10 with hard work, watching her caloric intake and serious working out which included cardio, weights, kick boxing, dance aerobics or whatever else she could fit into her day. She was a machine! She looked amazing and she felt amazing. Something happened along the way and she has gained that weight back. Now she says things like "Diets don't work" and "There is no such thing as a lifestyle change" and she goes on long rants about how it's a waste of time to eat healthy because it is not sustainable and I will fail. She has moments of clarity (or what she perceives as clarity) where she lands on a new plan for changing her life and currently it is a book by Cameron Diaz. Before it was a doctor who ... oh heck I don't remember what he did or said but it had some basis in fact I do remember that.

I don't begrudge her the process at all. We all have to do what works for us but she is extremely derogatory toward me and my plan with downward sweeps of her eyes as if to say "See I mean look at you." I used to let it hurt my feelings and true to form I'd reach for another slice of something as if to prove to her that my lifestyle change does work but more likely just proved to her that I was weak thus she was right - it was not sustainable.

My sister is an absolutely breath taking cook. She is a natural really. She knows how to throw things together like no one I've ever known and her presentation is stunning as well. She made bacon wrapped asparagus with a swiss cheese béchamel sauce for Easter dinner last night. It was beautifully presented and the taste was out of this world. The asparagus were just the right amount of cooked and the sauce was to die for. As always it was the absolute hit of the meal.

My brothers don't make comments often but when they do they're supportive and helpful. The youngest will say things like "Yeah remember when we were kids and people used to say you were too skinny? You can be that again." His way of being encouraging. Or he'll see an old picture and say "Wow who's this?" knowing full well it was me. The older one is a genius and he knows so much about so many things so he will occasionally jump on the science of weight loss or he'll suggest ways for me to consume more fatty proteins and make them fit within my plan. He also makes great suggestions for preparing my foods using spices etc as he is a pretty darn good cook himself.

My Dad was the cheerleader in his own inimitable way. He would say "That's good keep doing what you're doing" or "Make sure you're eating enough of the right foods" and "high cholesterol runs in the family" and "When were you last tested for diabetes?" My favorite was "Eat like your sister does look at what she accomplished." LOL okay so not always a cheerleader but he really was supportive and encouraging and even though I'd been down this path a million times every time he would say "You're strong enough to do this if you just stick with it. Be strong." I miss him so much.

I'm taking the next two days off work. I have nothing scheduled except for my first visit to a pain management doctor tomorrow afternoon. I also need to pick up groceries for the week but I figured that could wait until tomorrow night. My plan today is to clean my kitchen, empty my refrigerator and freezer of anything old or that I won't eat and throw it away. Then I'll focus on the pantry.

For now though I'm taking a mini vacation from my life. I never do this but I am sitting on my bed typing this blog entry. I have just finished a ham and cheese roll (no bread) and a couple handfuls of baby carrots dipped in 2 tbsp. of ranch dressing and I am on my fourth 20 oz bottle of water. I have an Alex Cross book upended next to me and a breeze gently blowing the blinds while I sit and enjoy this afternoon propped up on pillows looking out the window into the quiet street. Now back to Alex Cross.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNOWYOGA 4/22/2014 12:20AM

    Wow I think that your family sounds like a lot of ours, (if we were to be honest) But sounds like your trying to keep yourself on track! emoticon And like I think I was reading (between the lines) You are you not your sister and we are also not our younger selves I know I have to remind myself of that (3 kids ago) Great job also on the emoticon And I have never read Alex Cross, but I have heard a lot of people really like him emoticon Well sorry for going on, but I will let you go for tonight Enjoy and emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon And night night emoticon

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AMCAN262 4/21/2014 3:11PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEACHCALSIX 4/21/2014 2:38PM

    ugh family can be very unsupportive! I know how you feel!
That's why I come to sparkpeople, it's nice to read blogs and chat with people who actually know what I'm going through and are going through the same things!
Happy Easter and looking forward to reading more blogs!!
emoticon emoticon

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Rough night

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Well I can say that my first three weeks were great. Yesterday was all planned things were going good and I had an emotional upset. Just like always I reverted to give myself permission to eat badly. I used to deny that I had an emotional eating issue but that ship has sailed.

So here I am on the other side of it - sleepless night, lots of introspection, some self-justification and I'm back on track. I have to keep telling myself that I can backslide and it will be okay. One bad day does not determine the rest of my life.

So today's a new day. I wasn't feeling real good this morning probably a combination of the fast food I ate last night And lack of sleep so I haven't eaten anything yet today I'm sipping a cup of hot tea now and then I'll throw together a quick chicken salad in a while before I start my errands.

Here's to getting back on. Happy Easter.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNOWYOGA 4/19/2014 10:11PM

    emoticon I hope that you feel better, but I have felt like that too I know what you are saying emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/19/2014 10:13:40 PM

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DOTTIEJANE1 4/19/2014 6:29PM

    Glad to see that you got back on track.We all fall at times just get up and keep on keeping on . This is a journey and will have curves along the way . emoticon emoticon

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ONECALMMOM 4/19/2014 12:40PM

  Glad you were able to keep your focus.

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Week 3 weight check in

Friday, April 18, 2014

Normally my weekly weigh in day is Monday. I'm not going to be here at the office (where the scale is) on Monday so I'm making today this week's weigh in day. As a matter of fact I've just this moment decided that starting this week Fridays will become my weigh in day. I think it's better this way anyway because if I'm going to carry extra water weight it's going to be from a weekend of not enough water and higher sodium content foods. Fridays will be a more realistic (and favorable let's face it) indicator of my progress.

So my weight loss this week is 5 pounds for a total of 16 pounds since 3/31/14.

I am pleasantly surprised that my numbers are continuing to be this high when I have had very little physical activity. I'm excited to see what the pain management doctor tells me on Tuesday so maybe I can start doing some decent cardio and weight training.

Next step ... getting the GP to sign off on the letter for my Benny Card so I can offically schedule my appointments with the nutritionist who I've been emailing with. This is happening ... honest to goodness happening. I'm beyond happy right now.

This weekend is Easter so we're doing ham dinner on Sunday at Mom's house. I'm bringing the appetizer - Spinach Artichoke Dip with toast points and sliced veggies. I'll cut up the veggies and make the toast points on Saturday and then make the dip on Sunday morning. Since I'll be at Mom's on Sunday and it's supposed to be nice I'll grill my proteins for the week there. I'm definitely grilling more of that turkey breakfast sausage patties. I'll mix that up on Saturday with the spices etc and premake the patties for Sunday. I found a new recipe that incorporates eggplant into the mix to replace the moisture lost from low fat. What a great idea! I think I'll try hers instead of trying to create my own this time. No sense in re-inventing the wheel.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNOWMAIDEN 4/19/2014 7:37AM

    I love your organization and planning. Thrilled at what you've achieved and achieving. Have a lovely Easter with your Mum.

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SNOWYOGA 4/18/2014 11:42PM

    great job on lose! emoticon

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DARSHAN130 4/18/2014 11:57AM

    Fridays are a good weigh in day especially if you behave all week but may be a little less strict on weekends. Keep up the good work.

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