Friday, July 19, 2013
I suffer from double depression and I also have anxiety disorder. Sometimes I feel so alone, that I can not get out of bed because I think, "What is the point". I hate feeling this way because my 4 beautiful children see it, along with my husband. I know my husband thinks the majority of the time that he has done something wrong, but this is not the case. How do you tell someone that they should not take it personally, when someone seems so down in your presence? I do not know the answer to that question, which makes me even more depressed. I have so much to be thankful for, but sometimes I do not see that. It does not help when I have family members telling me that "if I keep being the way I am, God can take away one of your children, so that you can see what you have lost". Hearing that, makes me feel like a nutcase because I am always thinking that something bad may happen to my kids.
The last couple of nights, I have been really bad. I have been awake over 24 hours now, but because my anxiety levels are at their peek, I cannot sleep for the life of me.
I used to be able to talk to my best girlfriends when I was in deep depression or having a severe anxiety issues, but now that has changed. I worry that they do not want to hear my worries and my crazy talk, so I do not talk to them as much as I should. I want to talk to my husband about things, but I get scared that he too will say, "It is just another excuse to not get what you need done". I am a total mess. I sometimes feel like i am in the Twilight Zone, that I am not really here...do others feel this way? Currently, I am not on any anti depressants because I am worried they will cause weight gain, along with me having a seizure from taking Zoloft last year, which is ironic because that is the medicine that I felt helped me the most.
I hope one day I can get better, until then I have to take one day at a time. :-)