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I believe in Angels....

Monday, August 18, 2014

Just last week.....two nuns walked into the cleaners.....and I freaked out. I am NOT Catholic, but nuns freak me out all the same. One of the nuns.....cried out, "ELKS! ELKWOMAN!" I stood there ....in bewilderment. The last time I had heard those nicknames was in college.......and YET...I didn't know ANY nuns.

Long story short....I went to college with her. Good ole Mary Deane. I couldn't believe it.....I KNEW this woman! She was WILD. I mean...we use to drink beer...play MS. PACMAN.....and.....well...we had fun. She use to enter ALL those contests involving the Rubiks Cube...she ALWAYS won.......hence....even MORE beer money! Mary was only there our freshman year due to academics. Mary didn't study. I had NO clue she was a nun....and she had NO clue I had the cleaners. It was WONDERFUL to see her.

THEN....today.....at 530pm.....two women came into the cleaners. One said.....my name. I was dumbfounded. My mind was racing....and trying to FIGURE out WHO this was! Then...I asked with uncertainty.....SHERRI?

IT was indeed! Also an old college friend! LOL! She even was my matron of honor! LOL! So...I have NOT seen her in 20 years! How could that be? How could I NOT recognize her?

I didn't at first....for out of sight...out of mind...and WHO KNEW? She was in the area and went to all the dry cleaners looking for me! LOL!

SO.....her friend...whom I think is tops....we laughed and talked till I had to close. Her grandmother is in the nursing home down the street...and she will be up on a regular basis. So...we made plans.

Even though.......I had a great time...and felt young again.....I had this morbid feeling........that my life is starting to come full circle.....and .... had this fleeting thought that perhaps I was going to die soon. I did. I did think this way.

YET....I felt so good...so positive...so alive......

that perhaps...these people/friends ...are my angels. Heather yesterday...Mary last week...and Sherri today.

They are indeed angels to make me realize.....that life is worth living.....life is for those that show up........

I knew ....know how to have fun!

I actually......feel...better than normal.........I haven't felt that way in quite some time....mainly due to the strain of the economy....and the losses.....the issues of my teeth.......

but.......

it is okay......

Thank you God for my angels.....for helping me....showing me....and letting me......feel .....grateful for what I have had...do have......and...for life itself.

and for ....

being me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBB1313 8/21/2014 11:09PM

    I whole heartedly believe that the universe sends us exactly what we need when we need it. That's what happened here. The term used to describe it is different for everybody but you received exactly what you needed at those moments. It's a beautiful and amazing thing! Blessed be.

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GRLTAZ 8/19/2014 11:21AM

    How awesome ! I would not be surprised to find out Alice had something to do with this also seeing how she knew you so well. Prayers work wonders and I am grateful every day for my angel help. Good news at WWS for you, I hope.

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HEARTOFCHRIST 8/18/2014 10:23PM

    Blessings, blessings, blessings.

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1CRAZYDOG 8/18/2014 8:00PM

    I believe too!

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Showing up....

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I have always believed in that Life is for those that show up. I even have that on my spark page. These past few weeks, my mantra has been tested. When Alice passed away, a huge part of me went with her. I almost gave up sparks for I couldn't take it if I had lost anyone else. Basically my thought process was ...I shall leave first so you cannot hurt me. Posting was hard for me......and yet...I still did anyways.

The first week was the hardest. I barely slept....cried a lot...hardly ate....and walked endlessly. The second week....I sat a lot...and ate a lot...and just wanted to stare in space doing nothing.

Today.....a spark friend I have known for quite some time was in my area. She travels in the Summer with her husband and have quite the rv set up. This was the day we had planned on for two months. Heather has always been a good friend......and I was afraid. I was. It wasn't her...it was me. I didn't want to be reinforced that she was a good person.....I wanted to come up with some lame excuse not to meet. I did. It was too soon after Alice...and ....I still wanted to feel sorry for myself....not care about others...for they may leave.

Yet....she called several times to make plans and touch base on her campsite. She was warm...friendly...VERY Canadian. I felt better. I felt more at ease.

We had the BEST time today. We did. My husband and I are rather quiet and thank goodness......Heather and Alex are warm .......down to earth people. They charmed us..by being themselves.....and thus....we opened up and could be ourselves....our true selves with people that....are accepting and non judgmental.

It is funny.....but......I KNEW Heather before today......I did. The meeting.....just clenched that friendship tighter. The bond was always there, but the face to face.......priceless. Just priceless.

I have not laughed so hard in such a long time. I laughed so hard I had to take off my glasses for my eyes could not stop watering. That is RARE for me.

When it was time for them to go.....7 1/2 hours later........I didn't want the time to end......and I felt SAD. I did. I am so glad...I didn't cry. I already miss her. I do.

YES....We did take pictures....Heather asked for my permission. People who are my online friends...have only seen TWO of me......the one in the pool...and the one in my photo gallery. No other pic has been disclosed. Yet...she took a few good ones...and shall crop them better ...and will forward them on to me...once she has wifi again. I shall share.....only then. Not many...but.....I am not one for pictures. Personal reasons...which I won't get into now.

These past two days have been.......deep soul searching. Alice's husband Waymon and I have kept in touch. He sent me the most beautiful letter that I received yesterday. He obviously poured his heart into it. He told me to live life to the fullest...that Alice would want me to do that. .........I knew that...have always known that......but haven't done that since her passing. The grief has been too overwhelming for me to comprehend. Waymon considers me his family.....even without Alice. YET...Alice is STILL here...in our hearts....our memories...our well being. I called Waymon last night...and we talked briefly. He is doing well....and there was SMILES in our voices as we shared. He was touched I got his letter and package. He has received my stuff as well.....

I do miss Alice...I do. I am NOT mad she is gone. I wished people would quit asking me that question. Some want me to get mad. I cannot ...nor will I. She would not have wanted to leave. Now...I realize..she may NOT wish to come back...for I know she is happy....and walking once again.....and yes....dancing as well. I know this.....but she did NOT leave.

So......today......I was with someone that is ALIVE...full of spunk.......laughter.........and a good person...friend......sister. Heather is wonderful. She is.

Life is wonderful. It is . Circumstances can be a tad rough at times....but LIFE itself is grand.

I have really let myself go lately. I have.

I look at people that I truly care about.....and....have horrid thoughts.......I don't want them to go. .....not that I want to go...mind you.......nor them...but....I have these thoughts all the same..........

Yet....that is truly life. You have to value your time......their time....while you can while here.

You also have to value your life...and how you treat yourself.....and again...I have been lacking.

I know what I have to do........and.....I have slid so terribly......that....I cannot just jump back into the healthy regime head first. It would be too overwhelming....too tiring...and just not realistic at this point in time. If I did....I would be setting myself up for failure...and quit.

I am not a quitter. I may ......sit down for a bit....but.....I don't walk away with my hand thrown up in the air....for I do care.....deep down inside I do.

I have to get over the guilt I feel over my friend's passing..........that she is gone...and I am still here.

I am still here........

and life is for those that show up.

This week........I have planned my week out. I am focusing on my active link......and getting in FREGGIES with every meal and snack. I am back to simply filling for that forces me to make better choices in my food intake.

I just want to feel alive again.......and .....not feel guilty for doing so.

Today......

my friend Heather......showed me ...that it was okay .....

to live......

to be alive.......

to show up.....

for life is for those that do.





Tomorrow.....August 18th....Alice shall be celebrating her first birthday in Heaven.

I shall honor her memory.....and live life to the fullest.

Good night my friends.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHARONSPARKLE 8/18/2014 10:16PM

    What a very touching tribute to Alice and Heather. Alice loved you and would want you to continue to enjoy life. Heather is just the person to enjoy life with! Today was my day with Heather and we had such a wonderful time together. She truly is an amazing lady and I hope we get just a little more time with her and Alex before they leave our area.

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GRLTAZ 8/18/2014 6:27PM

    Mary, welcome back to life. Alice is dancing and laughing knowing you are getting back into the game we call life. She wants you to succeed and how can you not, knowing you have angel help in your friend Alice. I am so glad you got to meet Heather and I am jealous. I like her sense of humor. She always makes me smile. Loved the snow pics last winter. I am happy you know yourself so well, that you know how to proceed knowing you will succeed. Keep pushing ! (((hugs)))

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HOLDINGMYOWN 8/18/2014 3:44PM

    Awwww....Mary....you are the most sensitive...most beautiful person I know!! ( and tell Greg he is not bad either b/c he and I think alike!! yea!! LOL )

I am glad that my visit with you made you realize that you CAN miss Alice and still go on with your life and live & laugh with others~~Alice will be laughing along with us me thinks eh?

I LOVED my visit with you....Alex and I were really impressed with yours & Greg's *down to earth* ways....NO AIRS! Just being who you really are...I LOVED THIS about you before I met you and now I KNOW you are JUST YOU!!

Love having you as an online wee Sis....you wild haired woman you~~LOL~~xxxx


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FUN2READ 8/18/2014 10:41AM

    emoticon emoticon When God closes a door, He also opens a window.......Heather was your window that allowed you "a breathe of Fresh air" to move forward and continue on living "your" life.

Always the unexpected to help you.

Comment edited on: 8/18/2014 10:42:33 AM

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NELLJONES 8/18/2014 7:54AM

    In the 12 Step Programs you are told to go to MORE meetings when you are stressed or grieving. It's easy to isolate. It's not a good time to meet new people (grief support groups) but the company of kind people that you already know is balm.

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HEARTOFCHRIST 8/17/2014 9:10PM

    What a wonderful statement!

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NITTINNANA 8/17/2014 9:07PM

    I know you've been through so much lately, Mary, that it was wonderful to read that you had a day full of laughter!

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1CRAZYDOG 8/17/2014 8:53PM

    You have to know that Alice would be so proud of you for going on. I remember distinctly feeling this very same way when my brother passed away. I realized that he would want me to go on just as your beloved Alice would. That it's OK t go on!

I distinctly remember, too, that others would tell me how I should feel, what I should be doing. Huh . . . oh really! NOT SO MUCH. I knew I had to do m grieving in my own way. THAT'S how it needs to be.

HUGS to you. So glad that you met up with Heather. Alice would be proud of you.

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CHALLENGER15 8/17/2014 8:25PM

    This is beautiful, and I am glad you got to meet Heather and her DH.

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The Package....

Friday, August 08, 2014

Today was a very long day for me. We are always at work by 630am.....and on Friday we close at 6pm.....a shorter day! LOL!...Yet...tonight after we closed, we went to the funeral home for my aunt. I was exhausted.

When we got home, there was a package waiting for me! FROM TEXAS! Alice's husband sent it to me.....now mind you...he had to have done it Tuesday for me to get it so quickly. I couldn't believe he took the time to do it with so much going on.




When they went to the family union last week....they hit various shops.....and Alice bought me this!

I was so touched.....Greg already hung it up for me.....it is in my living room....near the entrance to the kitchen. I shall see it everyday......several times.

I called Waymon.

Now...for someone that is very quiet and doesn't like to talk on the phone.........you just get that notion right out of your head! We talked for 48 minutes!

I told him how touched I was...and that he didn't have to worry about me...and send it so quickly. He wanted too. He had too. Told me that two more packages were coming...one was Holy Card....and the other one.....it was okay to cry once I saw it.

I cannot say I am surprised that Alice got me the plate while on her vacation. She was always doing stuff like that for me.

Waymon talked about their lives together.......I listened........I already knew.....for I knew Alice. He helped him.....it helped me.

Waymon told me that .....Saturday night.....after we talked for TWO HOURS.....till 1130pm my time...Alice got off the phone and told Waymon...if we didn't have to go to the bathroom...we would STILL be talking...and it was a REAL GOOD conversation.....and...my friends...it sure was!

I felt reassured about so many things....I did. I knew all this...but.....it made me feel whole all the same. I didn't realize...that every night...ALice would get ready...in case I called....for when I did..it was around 830...before I went to bed at 9.

I told Waymon......that I had a package ready for ALice's birthday...August 18th....said I could send it....but ....I didn't think he would want it.

You see.......Alice did a lot for me....besides ...being my friend......and...whenever I was out...I would see things...that I KNEW she would like......and would get it.....a little stock pile and send it for her birthday...and Christmas. This past February......I surprised her....Unexpectedly... with a weight watchers active link....and a stuff beanie baby cat......it was so cute...no way I was waiting till August....

She was TOUCHED...and also...could NOT stop laughing.......she said I would know tomorrow or the next day.....

for it turned out.....she sent me the SAME beanie baby cat! LOL!

i shall miss those....little packages.........and I shall miss me on the hunt for things I thought Alice would treasure as well.......

Not saying I am materialistic....for.....I truly am not. I guess...I miss the fact...we cannot surprise one another.......

I have so many treasures...clothes....from Alice...to last a life time.........I honestly would trade them all away to have her back. ...I cannot do that.....so they mean more to me now than ever.



SO....Waymon and I talked....for 48 minutes. It was agreed upon that I would call.....every Sunday...so we could go over college football as well as pro football......

that is the pretense....for I already know....we will..but....we shall also talk about our lives.....and Alice...for...Alice...shall always be there.

I feel .....almost at peace.......

I feel Alice........

I know she is pleased....with Waymon...and...me.....for .....we were a constant in each other's lives....and ......that will not end........may not be as often........but...that connection......that bond.....shall.....remain unbroken.

I still love Alice......she was the best friend I could ever have.......but.....I have the comfort......of her presence ...for she is TRULY with me.....all day now....not just in texts....phone calls....posts on our team......but....in my being.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEGGYO 8/16/2014 6:38PM

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IMEMINE1 8/13/2014 1:16PM

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JAXMOMMY 8/10/2014 7:33PM

    Oh Mary... I am crying this whole time. For your loss, for the reminder of my many losses and that void we feel even if and when we find peace. So funny about the beanie baby cats! The 2 of you were so connected! Again, I am reminded of my WW meeting when we talked about that ripple effect and it makes me realize how alice put a ripple into so many lives including mine! But, she put a wave into your life, not just a ripple and I knowyou are so thankful to have had experienced that wave! My heart hurts for you and for her wonderful husband, but I also know she make both of your lives better and that is something!!! Peace be with you, my friend! Heal and be strong for each other!

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GRANDMASHUNGRY 8/8/2014 11:37PM

    What a wonderful friend and wonderful memories.

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1CRAZYDOG 8/8/2014 10:08PM

    How sweet. HUGS

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HEARTOFCHRIST 8/8/2014 10:01PM

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I smiled today......

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Last night I posted on FB and Sparks for those that knew...loved...missed Alice to wear green. Green was Alice's favorite color for it represented the National Kidney Foundation. That was special for Alice for her daughter had passed away in 2010 due to complications of kidney failure.

This morning before I left for work.....I posted WEAR GREEN FOR ALICE. This morning my friend was laid to rest.

I was having a hard time....wishing I could be there......I was in my heart and mind, but....it was still such an empty feeling.

I kept getting updates on my phone.....friends declaring they were wearing GREEN FOR ALICE. I shook my head...YES...and smiled slightly.

THEN...I got a text from my friend Alexis. She was driving...on her way to South Carolina...her first day of vacation....and she sent me a SELFIE ...showing me she was WEARING GREEN FOR ALICE. Alexis also included a ton of GREEN hearts....and told me she loved me.

More pictures flooded my FB chat...and phone......friends that KNEW Alice...and friends that did not.

My smile grew.......my heart soared.

Wouldn't Alice be PROUD? She would be amazed.........she would be touched!

She would be all these things...for I don't think Alice realized how many lives she touched..........I knew....but ...she ......didn't.

I walked a lot today.....thinking...and my steps got quicker....not so....down trodden.

When one dies......there is such a loss.

The living need to have the funerals......for they are truly for those left behind. People need others to share their grief.....be consoled......know that others do care.

I couldn't go to the funeral......but both Alice's twin granddaughters have called me several times. Alice's husband.....4 times. They have helped me. I hope that i have helped them.

Both Andrea and Mandy stressed that I call Waymon once a week.......he needs that constant. I was in ALice's life...hence...his. When I would call her....I would also talk with him. I shall do that......and I already know we can talk about the pets....and football. I know Alice ....would approve.

I am better today.....I may not be tomorrow.....or next week...but today...I am. I have the comfort in knowing......that Alice is indeed in a good place. I cannot take that away from her. She is visiting and doing all the things her body would not let her.

Someone asked me if I was mad at Alice for leaving.

That thought never occurred to me. If Alice had her choice....she would have stayed. Perhaps now..she may not say that....but at the time...no.

Alice was ready to FINALLY take care of Alice. She always put others before her...and now.....she was ready. I believe that. I do.........

I never realized just how alone I felt before Alice.......and now she is gone.

ALice was truly my friend.

I feel so .....not sure.........a tremendous loss? I would have to say that...a tremendous loss......

and...

grateful at the same time.......for I let her in.......or.....she pushed herself in........LOL...but regardless...she was in!

I am a better person now because of her.

I feel guilty...when I say this...but I am now....more so.



The thing that has impacted me the most.......is that everyone needs to belong. They need to feel like they do. Our society is too one sided. The human side is disappearing...thru technology.

That is true my friends.....it is disappearing.

How many times do you see people in restaurants with others....but yet....they are not fully with those they came with...they are whipping out their phones to check this or that? They should turn OFF their phones ...and concentrate on those that are there.

So many examples I can give....but won't.

The fact remains......we need to belong...we need human contact.......

we NEED to value those that are here......NOW.....

We need to watch our pets play.....play with them.......we need to be with people...and never have regrets...for one day...they may not be here with us.

We need to appreciate nature...the sights and sounds that are so wonderful.

We need to live in the moment......for one day that moment shall be gone....there may not be a tomorrow.

You know....my three cats...wake up EVERYDAY in a good mood....they are HAPPY...ready to start the day. They get love and attention..and their good moods grow.


Yes.....my friend was laid to rest today........

and I smiled today.....with what others did for her.......and for me.

I smiled because......

Alice...shall always be with me..........and.....I am grateful for that time we had together...for if i had no time...never given that chance........I wouldn't have known that wonderful...caring.....person....I shall forever call friend.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMEMINE1 8/13/2014 1:17PM

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JAXMOMMY 8/10/2014 7:58PM

    Ah, I am reading your blogs in reverse order and I said many of the things you already said here! Good for you to find a smile on such a sad day! And, so true that we need to appreciate every moment! To wake up like a cat or a dog! Just enjoy!

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/8/2014 11:16AM

    Hugs.

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HEARTOFCHRIST 8/8/2014 7:00AM

    You are a good person with a kind and loving heart.

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PEGGYO 8/7/2014 9:30PM

    I never realized how close we get to people on our spark teams but we really do. emoticon

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GRLTAZ 8/7/2014 8:55PM

    Mary, I could not blog so well. I hope you continue to hold Alice near your heart for she was, indeed a good friend. Her big heart and riddles are being missed on her BLC team. I pray daily that waymon does not go downhill now that he does not have Alice to help. She brought purpose/ work/ love to his life and I know he is feeling that void. I was so looking forward to seeing her succeed in her weight struggle and now she has so I am happy for that at least. I hope sharing your feelings is helping you because you are helping me by blogging.


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1CRAZYDOG 8/7/2014 3:44PM

    Sweetie, Alice would indeed be proud. Wearing a green shirt . . . Alice will live on, my dear.

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