Tuesday, October 21, 2014
That time of year again, when suddenly everyone has a burning desire to buy candy by the pound and dump it on my desk.
Itís so obnoxious and even rude. Simply because I am the front desk person, does not mean Iím ok with having my work station turned into a candy shop.
Whatís even more annoying is the fact that these people refuse to put the candy bowl in their own office because as they say, ďIf itís on my desk Iíll eat it all.Ē Well guess what, hon, you ainít the only person with that problem.
If you bring the candy in, it stays in YOUR office.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Stress is an amazing appetite suppressant, but not one I would recommend for long term usage.
I have been so stressed. Between the move and all the expense that went with that and my motherís death, Iíve been a wreck. Iím a bundle of nerves and itís coming out in my appetite.
Iíll be starving one minute and completely unable to eat the next. Iíll be feeling nauseated most of the day, then suddenly want to eat everything in sight.
Same thing happened today. I had a lovely lunch ready to go, but come lunchtime, I couldnít have swallowed it if I wanted to. I know that once I get home, snuggled in and calmed down, I will be digging through my cupboards for anything I might have overlooked.
Iíve been wanting a lot of breads and graham crackers, because they seem to settle my nervous stomach more than anything else. But I canít stop, I will nibble my way through half a sleeve of graham crackers at a time.
Raw veggies have always been a little rough on my stomach, so the fresh salad I have is still setting in the fridge.
I just donít know what to do about it. Should I just ride it out, knowing this is a rough patch, or should I try to take the bull by the horns and force a change?
Monday, October 20, 2014
Iím finally to the point where I feel like I can give this weight lose thing another, honest, try. Iím back up to 193lbs (granted itís not the 210+ that I started with in 2012, but itís also not the 180lbs I was last year).
It frustrates me to think about where I *could* have been, had I not faltered. But like the saying goes, Ďwish in one handÖ. See which fills up fasterí.
It also bums me out to think about the fact that if I lose 2lbs a week (which is recommended) I wonít be near my goal weight until April (at the earliest). But itís better to be near my goal weight in April then to be still setting on the couch in April thinking, ďI really need to get serious about losing weightĒ.
This morning I woke up at 5:40am. But then, inevitably, I had one of those mornings that turns small, quick tasks into big and time consuming ones.
However, I made it to the gym. I was half an hour late, which meant I only had 20 minutes on the elliptical before I had to run to work. But 20 minutes is better than saying, ďIím running late, perhaps I should wait and do it tomorrow.Ē
Monday, October 13, 2014
The universe has a rather cruel sense of irony. I had been thinking of my motherís health and how her health has impacted my life; the habits Iíd learned from her and how the great moments of my life were tangled up with heart attacks and surgeries. After posting a blog about it, I received a call from my brother telling me that my mother had passed away after her last surgery.
Her funeral was on the 4th, and it hasnít been the easiest of weeks.
Itís strange that so much feels absolutely normal, unchanged, and yet, I keep thinking, ďOh, I need to remember to call Mom and tell herÖĒ And thatís when it becomes strange and sad again.
I have this renewed drive to connect with family I havenít talked to in 15 years. I feel this need to collect and keep everything she and my Dad owned, even if it meant nothing to them or me. And I have been eating like nobodyís business.
I had a week off of work after the funeral, Iíve been tired and I just didnít want to do anything. I kept watching the same shows over and over again because I was too lazy to get up and change the DVD.
But now Iím back to life. I have told myself that I need to get back in the swing. I have a responsibility to myself to get back on track. If I want to honor my mother, then I need to be healthy and strong. I also keep reminding myself; that both physically and emotionally, ďtake what truly mattered and leave the rest.Ē
I donít need every doily she crocheted, but Iíll take a couple that were the oneís she was really proud of.
Also I need to remember that yes, I am sad and depressed; but I canít let that run my life. I told myself yesterday, ďI need to be more productiveĒ. I canít just waste my life setting around waiting for something amazing to happen. I need to go out and find something amazing.
So Iím going to spend this week focusing on making myself more productive, getting myself back on track, and getting healthy.
Friday, September 26, 2014
I have come to the realization that all of my major life moments were tangled up with my motherís medical crisisís.
I have a picture of my mother when she was around 20. She was gorgeous. She was 5í3Ē, with naturally red hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. She had a teeny-tiny little body and in that image she was wearing a bathing suit and posing on a picnic table. Marilyn Monroe would have been jealous.
She kept that figure even after three pregnancies. But sometime around my birth she just stopped. She was 40 when I was born, so Iím sure hormones played a part. But it was also just general depression.
The only mother I ever knew was a chain smoking, deeply unhealthy, obese woman who spent most of her time laying on her bed reading.
Her go-to family meal was hamburger patties, cooked in about an inch of grease, served with cheese and some kind of starch.
I recall, a period of about a week where she tried to take up walking. But that was the only time she took up any form of exercise.
She had her first heart attack when I was around 2 or 3. I only know that because itís a funny story told at family gatherings. Apparently, I was terrified of the paramedics and attacked them when they came to get her. I held them off pretty well, until, one of the EMTs, a family friend, was able to calm me down and get me out of the way.
When I was little and learning my name and address, I was also taught how to get the little brown bottle out of momís purse, put the little pill (nitro for heart attacks) under her tongue, and ask a grown up to call 911 because my mom was having a heart attack.
I remember that the hospitalís surgery/ICU waiting room had a huge aquarium that ran the entire length of the wall. I loved it, it was like going to a real aquarium. On the opposite side was a wall of windows that opened into a courtyard that looked like a rainforest. It was so much fun going there.
I learned to drive, by making regular four hour commutes with my dad and aunt to the hospital where she was having open-heart surgery. We bought her a white teddy bear, because I remembered my grandmotherís teddy which she received after her open heart surgery; it was to hug to her chest to help with the pain when she had to cough to clear her lungs.
Even my dad got in on it, now and then. The night before I left for college, my mom and I sat up all night rubbing his shoulder because he was in so much pain. It turned out to be thyroid cancer caused by years of heavy smoking and poor health. That year the doctors chased that cancer all over his body before he finally passed away two days before sophomore year.
Now, in her 70s, my momís had more surgeries then I can count, stints, by-passes, etc. My brother called me last night to tell me that Mom had another surgery. This one to replace a malfunctioning heart valve. Neither of us were upset or concerned. Momís in the hospital, business as usual. It makes me sad, that it doesnít upset us more. But itís just the way things are.
People ask if having heart disease and cancer in my family frightens me. I suppose it should scare me more than it does. But itís a bit like growing up with a sleeping dragon at your back; you know, eventually itíll attack and youíve seen what it can do, but itís been there so long, you forget about it. Familiarity breeds complacency, I guess.
Still there are times, when I think back at all my familyís been through, realizing that life could have been so much better and easier had they been a little more health conscious. Then I look at my own life and my own choices and realize, to a certain extent, Iím playing the same game (tempting the dragon). Iím obese, I donít always eat the way I should and the couch is so very comfy.
But then I remind myself that, I do think about what Iím doing. Iíve never smoked or drank. Iím conscious of what I eat, and I acknowledge when Iím not being healthy. I bike commute and walk a lot. I go to the gym. Iím making an effort, to keep the dragon asleep a little longer so I can celebrate my future milestones without a trip to the ICU.
Get An Email Alert Each Time MCASKEY6 Posts