Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Hi there.... welcome to my blog!
So, there's nothing more annoying to me than a "Negative Nancy" or a "Debbie Downer", so I've procrastinated on writing this blog, but frankly I feel desperate for feedback and hope to possibly process what is going on if I blog it.
For 7 months now, my motivation has dwindled to a complete halt. I've tried everything to excite myself and get back into the groove. I really feel depleted and defeated. There is nothing more frustrating to me than someone saying that, because at the same time, I know all it takes is action. Just do it. You can't wallow in your thoughts. But, I feel like it's more than that. I don't know. Like, it's almost like when you don't believe in Santa anymore, you can't convince yourself he is really real. I don't know how to mentally take myself back.
I lost 70 pounds and gained back 10. And I've been pretty much at a stand still for 6-7 months, up and down within 5 pounds. So I am thankful for no huge gain, but this isn't the end. I don't want to be done.
I've tried backing away, leaving it all alone, just to take a break mentally. I've tried to excite things by checking out juicing, redid my sparkpage, I set new goals that aren't too high or anything, just to get things moving, and nothing.....I feel like a lawn mower that just won't start. I don't know.
I'm thinking about getting a new gym membership in hopes of sparking some excitement.
I do get down on myself pretty hard and I try to mentally step back and tell myself I need to be a better friend to myself. It's like I get into these mental funks where I'm just annoyed at things that don't matter. I am thankful and grateful, and have nothing to complain about in life. I don't know what it is.
I started to wonder if I was losing myself in doing too much for others. But, then, it's not like I'm doing TOO much...I am a wife and mother. I provide for my family by caring for our home and I make sure to cook healthy daily, and keep the house clean, pack my husband's lunch kind of thing.... I don't think those are excessive tasks.
I started trying to take more time for myself by dressing nicer and trying new things with my hair-- which I never do, lol. It felt good. It did help me see myself in a different light.
I do stand in a mirror often and like what I see. Which is new, as of recent (this year). That feeling is pretty nice for a change. I started to wonder if I am settling. No, I HAVE been settling. I don't know why. I mean, I compare it to staying married to someone you like, not someone you love.... and who recommends that? So then, I ask how to love myself instead of like....?
Hmmmm... good question.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
So here we are, a place all too familiar. I'm unsure how to feel about this place, because I keep trying to leave it, but only finding myself coming back to visit. A decision needs to be made. I need to leave.
I have been visiting this place since March of 2014, that makes this visit 6 months. I need to get beyond this. I need to break free. I've come so close, so very close, with one foot out of the door and then I decide to stay.
I want to leave!!!
Why? What is causing me to hold on? There's nothing here for me! Everything is beyond this. I should let go. I should run!
I am exhausted visiting this place. It is a mental battle day after day, but I can win the fight. I know how. I have all of the tricks in my pocket. Reach in your pocket, and pull them out. You've beat the beast before.
I no longer want to stay here! I'm tired of the decor! Although people compliment me everywhere where I go and insist I stay, they don't really know I am not happy here. I am not finished. I need to move on. There are better things in store for me. I will give myself those things I do deserve.
Choices. We all have the power to choose. Every choice renders a consequence. I choose to be different this time. I choose to break free from these chains. I am worth it. I will move on. I will see what the next place has to offer! I cannot wait to shop for new decor!!! That place will be worth the fight! I am a fighter! I will win. I will persevere, because I CHOOSE to.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
So my thoughts are kind of scattered and I'm spinning on ice.... For the last year I've progressed slowly....like maybe a 10-15 pound loss for the past year. So after I realized that, I was really upset with myself. But then I had an epiphany.... I realized I only needed to lose 15-20 more pounds- that's nothing....! Right? So, I was braced and feeling like I could do it. Then I go on vacation for 3 weeks.... I gained some pounds. Now I'm at a 10 pound gain overall.
Now, I tell myself....ok, you know what works.....DO WHAT WORKS! But then I have this voice saying "do you REALLY know what works? you've only lost 10-15 in the last year...." But, I'm not stupid, I know that I shouldn't listen to this voice.... I know that I know what to do and I am getting in my own way.
I am just frustrated and I feel depressed inside, but I feel like I can talk myself out of all of this like I've always done, it just becomes overwhelming at times....
Like when you want to redo a room and you tear it all apart and you just look at it like-- what have I done?! I'm trying to put things back into perspective, but each time I rearrange the furniture it doesn't quite flow..... But the thing is, I know how.... and that's when the frustrating part sets in.... It's like a lack of motivation and I want to crawl inside myself, but then I ask myself-- why? I have a great life. I came from the bottom to the top. I am thankful, I am grateful.....there is no reason for all of this.... I am making it harder than it is... And I feel bad, because inside I feel like a downer sometimes.... I'm known to be the life of the party...but it's not like I mope around like Eeyore all day... it's hard to explain.
I was reading an interview with Chris Rock last night about his reaction to Robin Williams unfortunate passing, and he said something that I could relate to, that kind of helped me make sense of my mental drama. He said, "If ignorance is bliss, then what is the opposite? It is not bliss." That makes so much sense to me. He said the reason comedians have issues with depression is because they constantly have to be aware of their surroundings and they see things on a different level. I'm definitely not the world's greatest comedian, but I know I am an intelligent human being and I internalize probably way too much.... and sometimes what I internalize doesn't have the best timing... I could CHOOSE to internalize happier things, but I am so hard on myself that I choose to focus on how I can be better instead of celebrate how far I've came. It's like when you study for a test, take the test and forget the information. I forget about the pounds I've lost because they are gone.... It's irrelevant, like a phone number, why memorize it - when I can look it up?
I know what works for me is to "just do it". And by "just do it" I mean, just DO anything to live healthier. Just make the best choices. Stop getting caught in the webs of destruction and let myself be free mentally. It sounds so cut and dry. And it is. If I let it be. I choose to let it be.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Just a bit perturbed.... I had the laser focus and was stocked with the right groceries, and was just completely feeling it. On day 3 I got sick. And I am talking could not get out of bed at all, felt like I was hit by a bus-sick. I am still congested like I don't ever remember being. I am a little frustrated because it completely threw me off of my track. It's been like 2 weeks since it hit and I just really need to get beyond the whole thing.
I saw a quote that said "Start before you are ready", and that really sticks in my mind. I am running with it. I have to. I have to get over this slump. There are people out there with REAL issues doing better; I have no excuse in my mind.
If a person wants something, they have to work for it, or they do not really want it.
I was listening to an audio book and it hit home to me. It was unexpected, but it was eye opening. So he says, "What are you afraid of if you try? Are you afraid you will be someone different? Are you afraid you won't be a person you know or like?" And he goes on and gets deep with it. But I'm lying there thinking and just really pondering, and I'm wondering if this is my deeply rooted problem.....
My whole entire life I've been thick, chubby, overweight or obese. What if I become this person capable of wearing a 2 piece bikini? What if my stomach isn't bulging? What if the rolls disappear? Will I still be me? I know it must sound absurd, but it's true. Who will I be? Will I still be caring, funny, lovable and all of those other things I admire about myself? I mean, of course I will, I will just be a healthier version.
The problem with all of this in my mind is, it's like taking advice on parenting from someone with no children. They mean well, they're probably right, but they do not REALLY know, so do I trust their advice? Do I trust my own advice? Sigh.....
So then it leads to a leap of faith. Who would I rather take a leap of faith on? A stranger or myself? Well, then it's more easily explained or understood if a complete stranger let's you down. You can easily X them out of your life if necessary, but yourself? You are left to explain forever. You can't get away from you! Oh goodness. My mind. It is a machine.
So who better to satisfy than me? I reap the ALL of the benefits! I feel the satisfaction, I feel the pride, I feel the happiness, I can't get away from it, and who would want to?!!! Completely makes sense. So what took me so long to figure this out? I guess it doesn't matter, as long as it's done. I am so ready. I am ready to cut the ties of disappointment. I am so ready to let go of this false security. I am ready to be free and just be me. I am ready to live.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Today I feel really good about the week. Last Sunday I was really motivated and optimistic about a new beginning, and I woke up Monday not feeling well. Even Tuesday, wasn't so great. But this week I have my mind right. And yes, I know that I don't need a Monday to get my mind right. Although I used to wait for Mondays habitually in the past, I have started over and got on track on a Friday and other days as well.
What I want to blog about today is the fact that I need to use mornings more productively. I did read a blog that had a line that sticks in my mind this morning, it read simply, "What else would I be doing at this time? Nothing, but sleeping."
Currently, I wake up at 6:15, make my husband's lunch, kiss him and send him on his way. Then make sure my 14 year old son gets on the bus at 6:45 (he obviously gets himself ready!). I then wake my 7 year old daughter up, help her get ready, which then my 1 year old gets up at the same- change her diaper, feed her..... So the 7 year old gets on the bus at 8:00. Then my day starts.
My day then revolves around caring for the one year old. She does have set nap times and I get things done, but where the problem comes in, is it is difficult to say at this certain time every day I will workout. I may have errands to run, or she may be cranky and not nap on time...whatever the case may be. And in my mind, if my workout isn't scheduled, it is difficult to stick with it. I was initially thinking when she naps I could fit in a workout. But usually I end up fitting in things I can't get to do while she is awake!
Anyhow, I feel like the best solution for me would be to work out before anyone wakes up. Then, I am 100% obligated to care for ME without interruptions. Everything just points to that option being best.
Where I struggle with this option is:
1. My current gym is not open at this time, they open at 6am. I've thought about switching gyms. It might be what's best. I struggle with working out at home. I have everything to work out at home, DVDs, weights.....but it just isn't my cup of tea. I like the gym atmosphere- I go in, get it in and leave. It's ALL about me, my music, my burn.
2. I've always been more of a night person. Although, I enjoy being up early now, being up early AND being super productive at the crack of dawn is different. I read that if you just jump up out of bed and get ready, it is best. Then I'm not sure should I drink coffee before a work out? Doesn't seem like it would sit well. I think the work out will wake me up. Trial and error I suppose.
3. I MUST go to bed earlier and do that consistently. I've noticed however many hours of sleep I get is consistent with how I feel on a scale of 1-10. 8 hours of sleep puts my mood at an 8. 6 hours of sleep puts my mood at a 6. It is always consistent, mood=hours of sleep.
So, these are my 3 struggles. After typing this out, I see the 3 struggles as manageable. When things aren't mapped out sometimes it feels more overwhelming. But solutions to the difficulties is where I need to focus. I am ready for a change. I need this change. Nothing feels better than healthy.
Thanks for reading! Please leave any tips, tricks, advice and feedback! Sometimes the smallest thing can be the fuel that keeps the flame of desire burning!
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