Thursday, July 24, 2014
Yesterday I read the "Fighting the urge" e-book by dr Amy Johnson
and afterwards went to an AA lunch meeting. Dr Johnson says that compulsive eating is neither an incurable addiction nor a compensation for deep inner needs that canīt be changed until you have defined and fulfilled those needs. Dr Johnson says that it i our lower brain being taught to answer the craving by giving in and that I "only" need to understand this and then use my front lobes to stay away from those learned behaviour. Maybe I should say that this is how I understand dr Johnson.
Sitting at that AA meeting I felt that I do agree a lot with Amy Johnson... because there are all sorts of weird signals and emotions flying around and there are certainly many people who have the solution - because it worked for them. And maybe I am the same because I have my own truth about this and it has worked for med for nine years. Yesterday was one of the first time that I did not feel "wrong" in that meeting. I often feel as if I donīt belong there because I donīt have the "right" reactions and I donīt do the "right" work. These thought make me think I have to be quiet or "they" will throw me out.
But yesterday I realised that my truth is as good as any other persons there. I was sitting next to a woman that has been sober form more than 25 years and say many wise things about the necessity to give in, to follow the advices of those who has gone before her and to work with the steps every minute and not to take it lightly... it was a little hint for me as my share had been sort of "unserious" and childish although very happy... but I also know that that woman last year embezzled the groups fund and disappeared for a while and this she did after all those years of sobriety,. It has not made her start drinking again but it make me feel a little doubtful to her "perfect" AA_ image... the best thing is that it helps me to realise that I am the only judge over my contribution.
I donīt know why AA worked for me in getting sober, it just did. And now when I have been giving up meat I have had great help from the experience of giving up alcohol, because I have had almost exactly the same mental process. I have been totally confused "what am I doing" "I can never do this" "why is this a help" "Better give up because it makes no sense" - the last pone has made it even harder than with alcohol because it made some sense to give up alcohol even though I had not experienced that many negative effects at the time I stopped.
But I do remember that all those confused thoughts was not making any sense and I could not handle them. But I realised that I did not have to, I did not have to think about why or how or the future or logic or anything, I just had to stay away one day at the time. And the attacks of grief ( "I will never more be one of the "normal" people that enjoys alcohol") was allowed to flow through me without me acting on them - just thinking if it was too hard "you know you can always start drinking again if you find this silly but just for today you don+īt have to.
And after a while the confusion calmed down. I am still - nine years later - not convinced that I really AM an alcoholic and that it really WAS the only sane decision - but I am very comfortable with not drinking and I donīt really care if I am an alcoholic or not. What I know is that I have a better life without having to deal with thought whether I should drink or not.
I can see the same process developing with meat - the grief and confusion is a lot less than a month ago but I am still very shaky about it and have to remind me that it is only a day-by-day- commitment and the future is what it is.
But now it is time for another kind of decision that I am puzzled with - of course I could make the same process with sugar or maybe cheese or maybe bread as I have done with cigarettes, alcohol and meat - but I donīt feel that it is the right path. What iI think I need to work with now is what I am doing, so far I have been working with not doing things - not smoke, not drink not eat meat.
So is not "not overeating" or "no snacking" or "no unhealthy foods" the same thing? Not really in my mind - I still believe that I am not addicted to sugar in the sense many spark friends define it and I totally agree with dr Johnson in that the method of trying to find all "triggers" and excluding them is not the best way for me - although yesterday I saw clearly that the bag with candy that I happened to eat was a combination of.
a) eating breakfast at six o clock, then going to an AA-meeting at lunchtime and after that going swimming for an hour - at 15.00 in the afternoon I was really hungry and had to go shopping before I went home for "lunch" - the only good thing is that I chose between a "big pack" and a normal of that candy and ended up with the "normal" Lunch was hard logistically that day but I would have been helped if I would have drank a lot of water because thirst was clearly involved.
This is somehow a question about conscious choices, to every impulse about what I want to do I will have to be mindful and think about what consequences lies ahead if I do what my impulse tells me.
Right now my impulse (and doggy) tells me that I better get out in the woods before the real heat slays me!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Have not been able to motivate myself to write, and am not too enthusiastic about life in general either although I do try to make every day the best day of my life!
Last time I wrote I had this small anxiety about visiting bonus daughter in GOthenburg, in retrospect I realise that it was mostly about driving that far in the heat - but we were very fortunate and it was mostly cloudy or even raining. The drive took about 3,5 hours one direction which meant thast I spent seven hours in my car that day...
Little Lovisa was gorgeous - and far more developed than I had thought:
Doctors say she is completeloy deaf but that canīt be true, she obviously reacts to different sounds and forms the beginning of words herself too. She has hearing aids because it is really important to stimulate the hearing function in her brain but as my bonusdaughter said that she obviously hears, but the quetion is WHAT she hear, that will give the conditions for her ability to speak. But so far the sounds she makes is close to the real word so it will probably be fine. Her eyes are very present and intelligent and her ability to move is progressing - so it will be fine and I am happy that we are in Sweden were social security system has showed it best side - her parents has been able to stay at home as there is a special funding for parents having a severely sick child and they have gotten a lot of special help in rehab exercise, equipment etc.
Doggy went with us and even dared to be close to the baby....
This week the weather has cooled off a little, I have been trying to pick up my good exercise habit again. Bike is still not really fixed, have to do that... but yesterday, walking doggy in the woods I found the first chanterelles! Lovely!
AND motivating me to keep on walking the woods.
I have also been going to the indoor pool that is also wonderful as it is hardly any people there at all, families go to beaches in the summer so it is nice and quiet and people on vacation probably ease off their indoor exercise...
My toilet started leaking four days ago, it is the tap for waterfilling that got too old which means I could not shut it off completely. My first try to buy a new and replace it did not end well, the new tap did not fit... another tour to the city yesterday taught me that I HAD bought the right tap but lacked one nut for it and then replacing it did not work perfectly either because now it does not fit completely... but the new tap is tight so I can have the main water to the house on without leaking water on bathroom floor... and as I do have one more toilet in the house it all works, but today I have to go and buy another piece of equipment to make it work and I sincerly hope I can install that without having to shorten a tube, a lot of work and I donīt work well crawling around the floors anymore it is very hard for my body... these are the times that I wish I was rich and could just livt the phone and call for a plumber!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Today my mood is down - for the usual reason, it is all about the food. Had too much to eat yeasterday and suddenly everything is hopeless again.
Apart from food, it was a good day - we had that pirates party, I did not join in the battle but sat in the first row and looked at the children throwing water bombs and having fun. In the evening daugher and me once again visited that improvisations theatre and had really fun - and then we went home and spent the rest of the evening in front of the television.
This morning started cloudy which I liked as we are driving down to Gothenburg today to visit daughters sister and her child that I have never seen. Little Lovisa was delivered in week 28 after having a tough time with a ded twin in her mothers womb. She has survivvide for 1,5 years now, needs hearing aids and is very late in everything, I do not know if she is going to be able to walk or talk but it seems that it i developing very slowly but good... Her mother and me had a close relation during the eight years we lived together and coninued after I broke up with her father. But then she got married and did not invite me to the wedding - on her fathers reuest. I could bear that, but I was deeply hurt that she did not talk to me and explain what it was about.
This is the first time in four years I will se my "bonus" daughter and it is the first time ever I will see the child. To be honest, I donīt want to - meaning itīs okay to visit them but it is a very long drive and it is still very hot and I have nowhere to leave doggy so he has to go with us. And after a cloudy morning, sun is up and the air conditioner in my car is broke... no, I am not looking forward to this day, but I will get on with it and just do it...
I worry about it all.
And will leave the daughter at her fathers place on the trip back, my summer vacation with her is over. And I will be very surprised if I donīt binge tonight... hehe making the excuse already. Only good thing is that it will probably be a binge without meat...
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