Monday, February 24, 2014
Not feeling good at all, I could ot understand why until I realised that it is deadline week again - the three days coming up when the business edition is to be put togeteher... as I am a compulsive postponer, I ususally build a lot of anxiety based on guilt for having a lot left to do.
The weird thing is that I donīt have that this month, I have one article that should have been written, oterwise I am quite up to date and should not feel bad at all.
But I think it is that I donīt really know yet until I get the final cut from ad department telling how many pages there will be and how many ads on them, I cannot be really sure that it will work, and being the control freak I am, I donīt feel well...
SO I will have to calm down and trust my higher power, really silly to feelthis way when there is no reason.
My nephew celebrates his fortieth birthday today, there will be cake... this is the nephew that crashed with a motorbike (drunk driving) at 17 and been in a wheelchair since. He had pancreatitis last year and knows that if he drinks again the risk is huge that he will die. When I spoke to my sister friday I found out that he has been drinking twice since, on timne ending up in hospital. It is really sad, I think he wants to stop now, but he canīt do it on his own and is not willing to ask for help. So sad really.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Heaven did not come crashing down on my head when I stood up for my feelings, I could recieve the different kind of comments without feeling devastated. Some defence showed up, wanting to argue about stuff, but really, the important thing was to say the things on my mind even though I knew that the probability that some people would disagree would be more than big - the goal is to nurture and develope my "inner compass" to grow integrity which I feel I have not had much enough of.
Decluttering the kitchen gave a lot of energy and I went to AA lunch meeting. Friday meetings is step meetings and I planned ahead to take the meeting, therfore i read step eight and edited the text to suit a one hour meeting. That was good, I have never felt that step eight feels comfortable and very much dread to contact some of the people from the past who I have decieved.
But what it helped me with was dealing with my sister that I had some argument with earlier this week. She is the older sister and I grew up being told off as stupid - I did not understand then that I was more stupid than my brother and sister, simply because I was younger... so I grew up feeling stupid and it still is a "normal"(and painful) feeling to me that I work very hard to avoid by being smart and clever and understand things fast...
After the argument my sister phoned my voicebox and was angry and told me not to phone... I was relieved that she was angry, because I feared that she would be depressed and that had probably made me feel so guilty that I hade backed down and forgotten of the need to respect my own feelings...
My brothers christmas gift to us was a walk in the woods with him, ending with a picnic, and that walk is supposed to be today. Apart from us siblings, there will be children and grandchildren and although I suspect that the weather will be lousy it will still be allright...
But it would be awkward if it still was weird between sister and me so I have thought about it this week, how I could solve this without backing down (as I feel I always do...)?
So I phoned her yesterday. said "We are going to meet tomorrow, is there something we need to put right before that?" and at first she said no, but of course there was so we started talking.
And I realised that we are from the same dysfunctional litter, it is rather impossible for us to keep ourselves apart, we do mix up what is the responsibility of the indivudual and put things on eachother that should not be there... and there is simply no "solution" to this because we are 61 and 65 years old, we have changed a lot but it simply is not possible to distangle what is what... we will have to come to peace with trying to respect our feelings and talk about it - and stick to our guns if that is the expression... meaning that I will keep on affirmating my inner compass and respond to my needs but I will also try to remember that we are not really able to keep our emotions sorted in a healthy way. That is okay as long as we value the love that is there and try to respect without becking down in our needs...
After that I really felt as top of the world, "I am the lizard king, I can do anything"
I am praying that I can keep on respecting that inner voice that has been neglected and scorned all these years. The "cost" is that I will have to accept that other people express aggression towards me, and that I will make mistakes in being too forward or backing down too easy - but it is a learning process and the gold mine to dwell in is integrity and serenity.
And I am grateful for rsponses of love and care - I will really practice to take what I need and leave the rest.
Friday, February 21, 2014
I expect to make a lot of mistakes upcoming months - thats what normally happens when I try to learn something new and my mental developementright now is sort of different...
I was not happy with most of the comments I got on my blog yesterday and to write this is extremely frightening as I get scared to be told that I have no right to complain... although I am not really complaining in the sense that I advice people to act differently, I am trying to expose what I really feel and need.
When I started in twelve step movements one of the best things for me were the rules that you are not allowed to advice if not asked. That gave me the security to dare to say what I was thinking without fearing to be criticised. Later I learned that there is a rich source of support and knowledge in sharing instead of telling somebody what to do, you share your own experience on things.
Yesterday I was told that I was wrong, that I was trying to decieve myself and that I ought to act in a certain way. It offended me, and I felt disrespected. When I expose a line of thinking it is because I am thinking, and I welcome other peoples own thinking on the same subject, which they can tell me without telling me what to do.
Again - writing this is really scary, mostly when this happens (When I get advised instead of getting other peoples experience) I shut up and walk away for a while, because I understand that I somehow "asked for it" and I canīt decide what others are doing... but I can tell about my reactions and this is what I am trying to learn right now. I donīt react well to unsolicited advice... which might be an indication that I need to change, but I think that if so, it might be something to work with in the future. When and if I have learned to speak up for my own feelings and reactions without fearing to be expelled from humanity.
Which is the most important issue for the moment, and totally horrifying to do!
And - very confusing I have found myself being unreasonably grumpy since I started this process, yesterday I scolded one of these phone salespersons that calls and try to sell things - ordinary I say politely no, and I started this also politely asking him if he was selling something, which he denied. And he kept talking and introduced a service, so I asked again, if he wanted to sell that service to me? and he said no again and described the service and I said "and what would that cost me?" ... and he started to tell me how mcuh every month and I sneered "if that is not selling, I donīt know what is, you are not a serous businessmen, goodbye!" and hang up.
Later I told a friend who made a contemptuos remark about something on facebook, that I thought she was being rude... and I told my sister that she was patronising me... and this morning I wrote to a person at "My" theatre that it costs me time and money to be with them and I pay it willingly for the friendship and creativity, but I donīt want to be treated as if my time and effort is worthless...
Writing down the above examples makes me realise that my objections has all been reasonable, but I feel as if I am unreasonably sensitive and grumpy about things... and I am sure that some of it could have been better ignored than expressed. I will try to think more before I act on my feelings, it works in writing alhtough not always in reality meetings.
In AA i have learned that when "the other idiot" starts to show up in my life, there is something inside me I need to deal with. So this is confusing, there are more irritation subjects in my surrounding than usual but I am not sure if itīs because I try to admit and defend my own needs or if itīs something else... I canīt think of anything so I will regard it as okay for now. Just try to think a little longer before I speak.
Attended lots of meetings this week...threa AA, five OA and one ACOA...great! And I am really grateful that they exist!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I am reading the latest news from science about health - telling me that research finds that peoplle who donīt drink at all donīt live as long as people who drink a little. "Drinking a little" means not more than one glass of wine a day and you canīt save your glasses to the weekend and drink them all then, it has to be small amounts often...
I could not drink a glass of wine a day, that I know for sure. Very soon there would be an occasion where I would think "but today is special, I can have another glass" ... and then I would be back where I was nine years ago.
But I am thinking about Fernet Branca - the really bitter liqeur I keep in my cabinet and use as medicine if I get feeling sick and nauseated. It has happened maybe three times since I stopped using alcohol and I have never been tempted to have another one.
I always declare that I stopped drinking before I became biological dependant - I do take communion, I can have cough medicin with alcohol in it without getting obsessed, my interpretation is that I cannot use alcohol as a social drink or as a subject for pleasure - then I will lose contorl after a while.
But as I do have heart disease in my family I do want the health effects of just a little alcohol daily, just as I take my medicin for oedema, I would take a shot of fernet branca for heart health...
But I would not be able to tell it at AA - my devious mind whispers "they would never understand" - so I would keep quiet about it. Keeping quiet is my method of lying - I argue that people donīt need to know things that could upset them...
In our introduction texts we always read "if you are under the influence of something mind-changing, please stay quiet during the meeting and speak with somebody afterwards"... I am rather sure that there are many members that are on prescripted drugs, medicin against depression or othere mental disturbance and I am sure that those medicins are mindchanging.
If I went to the doctor and asked him to advice me to have that 4 cl of fernet brance every evening - would that be better?
Itīs clear that if I have been without alcohol for almost nine years I can without it until I feel that I can share it openly in a AA fellowship.
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