Thursday, November 21, 2013
Being Kind to others comes naturally to me. All my life I've lived by the motto, "You never really know until you walk mile in their shoes." And when I became vegetarian, I started reading about the destruction of animals and the environment. I started to tread lighter and became Kind to the Earth and the animals.
Through all of this, being Kind to myself is not as easy as the others. I have expectations, standards, and roles that I play and need to achieve. I strive for perfection when all I can make is perfectly imperfect. I eat food that makes me miserable, bloated, causes me pain, and makes me feel sad, depressed, guilty, resentful, and angry. I self-loath and hate. I feel guilty and chastise myself for giving in and not having enough will power...I'm a failure.
I began reading, "The Kind Diet" by Alicia Silverstone last week. It helped me to realize that a) need to recommit as a vegetarian (the Kindest thing I've done for myself, and b) I need to stop being unkind to myself through food.
*Side bar: My #1 cause is to fight against domestic violence. I've had this in my life for a long time and now I fight to help others get rid of such abuse.
BUT I AM ABUSING MYSELF! I'm not only abusing my body but also my mind. These ups and downs of sugar and carb crashing,then the mental and emotional roller coaster of being addicted and 'caving.' The internal conflicts of guilt, hate and judgements. I really am abusing myself. If I wouldn't let anyone else abuse me, then why is it so easy to do this to myself?
So I'm recommitting to my vegetarianism and finally committing to stop the abuse of myself.
I vow to be Kind to ME!
Friday, November 15, 2013
What happens when you know the questions to ask, but the answer isn't clear? Which way to do you go if there are numerous paths you can take? What's the next step if your plans are void? How do you get out of a rut when you can't find the ladder?
I've been a bit sad and maybe a little angry because I feel like I've been trying and doing so much to get myself out of this funk about my life just being mediocre, feeling unhappy in my life etc. You know that saying, "God helps those that help themselves." Well, I have been searching...for jobs that would be a good fit. I have been doing research....on how to get that perfect job once I know what it is. I have been making... plans and goals to achieve so my life isn't so stagnant...yet I haven't caught that break.
I'm still in this rut; no further than I was the day before. I've had so many paths to choose from and so many options that I'm turning in circles but never leaving this spot.
I'm drowning in choices. I'm surrounded by plans.
There reason I can't catch that break is because I haven't moved. We all want that break, free money, an easy in at a good company, to get that gig that makes you famous, to finally get what you've been working so hard for but with a little less stress or a little less effort because we're so stinking tired. Just a short break is all we want. Something small to make life a little easier...
I need to make the first move, the first step, the first choice before all those dominoes I've been stacking up and lining up just so, will fall into place.
So what's my first step...I don't know...I don't think I've let go enough to choose, maybe I'm scared, or maybe I'm lazy, or maybe I'm still too overwhelmed, but soon I'll take that step and then...
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sometimes we get all caught up in our expectations of our life. We had expectations of what it would be like when we were in college, out of college, finding our dream job, growing a family, making money, and of course the way we would look. We have expectations in what our boyfriends should be doing, what our friends need to do to be good friends to us, and how our family should act towards us. We even have expectations for day to day life. We just have this vision of ourselves and of our lives that override everything.
I've been working hard on accepting that my expectations are more goals than what OUGHT to be. When we put such things into black and white when there should be some grey areas, we then set ourselves up for disappointment. Granted, I am guilty of having such expectations and being very disappointed in myself and in life, but I came to this conclusion:
That expectations block what is real. And what is real is more important than what we expect.
I know that I need to work on this a lot. I expect to lose weight and look a certain way. I expected to have a far different life than I am living. I'm disappointed with myself and my life, but why? I have a good life and I am a good person....yeah of course sometimes it's boring, and sometimes I don't like myself, but over all...it's good!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Being more aware of myself, my life, and my surroundings, I've noticed 'signs.' I know this sounds philosophical, but it also could just be a coincidence. We are naturally aware of patterns, but I think it's interesting. Example: few weeks ago, everything that I read or watched stated the importance of a mentor. Now I've been seeing the signs pointing me in the direction of my identity.
We all have identifying labels or characteristics, whether we attached them to ourselves or other people gave them to us. It could be mother, father, smart, beautiful or even a phrase like 'book smart with no common sense.' And this got me thinking, I wrote a post stating 100 positive things about me, and are these things I identify with or label myself as. What happens if it's taken away?
What happens when a healthy person gets cancer? What happens when a mother can't have children? Who are you if you're smart and you have an accident that reduces your IQ? Who are you when you were skinny and now you're FAT?
It's a tough thing to change your thinking when you're identifiers change. It's possible though. People place labels on us even when we don't think they are true. Some people depend on you to not crumble under pressure because they see you as strong, but in reality you're just waiting from someone to help you hold up your world. The key is to realize that we are all those things; we change and we mould ourselves into what we want and need to become for ourselves and others.
You don't stop being skinny just because you put on weight. As Michelangelo said about the his sculpture of David, "I saw the angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free." If you see yourself as skinny, then chip away at it until you become it.
It's not about what we were, where we are from or how we got here; it's about what we're doing and where we're going.
Life is about creating yourself.
Who are you going to be?
*After a comment, I would like to say I'm not comparing weight loss to cancer. I am FULLY aware these aren't the same. The blog is about identity and the loss of such identity. Not about cancer being like weight loss. Sorry for any confusing or offense.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
On Thursday, I will weigh in for my 5 week 'Your Best Body' Challenge at WILD. I will do bootcamps on Saturdays with the other challengers. Basically, for the next 5 weeks, I'll be doing a Paleo-esque diet (minus meat), and no alcohol.
I'm excited about this challenge because for the first time, I've made small tweaks to my lifestyle already to help me compete and COMPLETE this challenge. I know in the past that I've taken a 'Before' picture but never an 'After.' I've lost motivation, started bingeing, gained back the weight after week 1.
This time is different because since my last challenge, I've learned that I can't tell myself, "NO I can never have this." I've been consistent for the last few months with my working out. I've been consistent at journalling. I'm starting to understand myself at the core. Really understand why I do the things I do. And I know this is different this time because before I would bingeing on all the things I couldn't have on my challenge the week before and then start my challenge, but this time I started it before the start date!
I have my 'before' picture. I won't post it till I take my 'after' one but my one goal is to take an 'after' picture! Even if it's a small change, that's my goal! :)
More on Friday!
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