Sunday, September 08, 2013
Well, I have successfully finished 4 weeks of changing my life. I have done 4, 5 or 6 workouts per week for 4 weeks, cut out almost all pop, and unhealthy snacking. I have started running, training with a 5k app (zombies, run!)... Super fun! That has been part of my workouts for the last 2 weeks.
However, so far my scale so far is almost completely ignoring my efforts... the best effort I've put forth in many a year. So, I just keep telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat and that I can see little body changes in the mirror even if the scale refuses to acknowledge it. It will and has to come down as I continue to exercise and make positive food changes.
My intake is not perfect, nor will it ever truly be perfect, because that's not life. But, I am making significant changes and trying to be reasonable in a sustainable way. I tend to do well for a little while but in a depriving way and then I freak out and eat the contents of my house, so I think I'm doing very well. I've gone out to eat a few times even... but to Subway or to get a Wendy's salad rather than my husband's bacon cheeseburger.
It is frustrating but this time I'm super determined. I don't know what's different about me but this time it's going to happen... no matter how long it takes to get there I WILL get the results I've been working for. It's my time to love myself, take care of myself and make myself strong for me... and for my 2 little girls who look to me for guidance and for a role model.
One proud moment... My daughter asked if we could go out to eat while running errands this week. I said maybe, where do you want to go? She said, "well, not mcdonalds". I asked why not because she loves happy meals and she said, "well, you're trying to eat healthy so we should go somewhere healthier" and we all ate at Subway together and were satisfied and not full of grease. :)
Friday, June 14, 2013
Yesterday was a pretty significant day for me. Not in an exercise, food or weight success sense, but likely more important than all 3 of those put together. It was kind of a perfect storm of what I needed to hear now and what I needed to acknowledge and fully understand.
I went to see my chiropractor, who is really truly like a life coach and an amazing man. He always talks to me about life and how to deal with stress and how to be a healthier version of myself. Today he said something that stuck with me all day. He said that Dr. Morter, one of his role models has said that you can want something with all your heart... but you won't get it until you truly believe that you deserve it. That gave me pause. I am always wishing and wanting to be thinner and healthier and be back to the Melanie that is inside and waiting to come out and enjoy life more... but do I feel like I deserve it? Maybe not. That's a hard thing to think about and doesn't have an easy yes or know answer. I know that intellectually I think I deserve it, know that I can achieve it and know that it's worth it, but deep down, what is my inner monologue saying to me?
This would be enough of an eye opener for the day and enough to sink my teeth into and work on, but then I had a lengthy conversation with my good friend Rita, who has been on an astounding path towards her own health for a few years and is one of the healthiest people I know. She and I talked about what my chiro said and how I felt about it and then we got into talking about fears and holding back. I've always had a fear of not knowing when to stop losing weight, because even when I was a healthy weight I felt fat and always identified myself as the fat one, honestly. My two older sisters were slender, athletic builds and I was a wider build with big ribs and shorter legs. My family always talked about my "baby fat" and how chubby I was growing up and I internalized it. I was the chubby sister and that's the way I viewed myself. My best friends were absolute twigs growing up... one of them is still a size 4, another I'm not close to anymore likely still size 2 looking at photos of her and the other not quite so small, but taller and very thin as well. My clothes were "something cozy and baggy to wear" and I could never borrow theirs. So, I felt like a hippo growing up with them, always the biggest even though when I see pictures I was absolutely healthy, perfect weight for my height and build and into all kinds of sports... only I couldn't see it and appreciate it. So, I've always thought that if I get to my "ideal" size and weight that it won't be enough, I won't see it and I won't be happy with it. My other fear is that even if I DO recognize that I'm at a good weight, etc. I still will really not like my body... That's a tough one too. How do you know unless you get there right? But how do you get there when you're the one holding yourself back?
I've often talked to my sister or my mom about how I sabotage myself. I've only ever been really successful at losing weight once. I lost 38 pounds and did it rather quickly... because I didn't realize I had a thyroid issue and my metabolism was hurting me. I was sick so often in those few months that I was getting in trouble at work for my attendance. So, healthy weight loss is not something I know well. So, now I get all fired up, I shop for healthy food, get out exercising, drink my water, make new recipes, chat with my supports on sparkpeople, do everything I'm supposed to do... for, like, a week or two and then I quit on myself.
Is it because I hate drinking water? NO, in fact, I crave it and recognize how much better I feel drinking it once I get into the habit.
Is it because I hate exercising? No. I do have a hard time talking myself into getting started, but then I honestly do enjoy it and I love the exercise high I'm on when I finish.
Is it because I hate healthy food? No. I'm not going to lie, I love pizza and chocolate and all kinds of unhelpful foods, but I also love well-made healthy food and feel really good when I'm getting the right fuel in my body.
So, why give up so easily? Why not put more effort into something so important to me, my self confidence, my future, my children, my life? Why indeed.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. Recognizing that I may be stopping myself out of fear and a feeling of not really deserving it has been a breakthrough that I've needed to have for ages. How to fix what's broken? Not sure, but I sure am going to try. Because the only way I'll be permanently successful is to have my body, my brain and my heart on board. I feel positive about my future efforts. I think many many many failures and weak attempts had to happen to bring me to this point and I hope I'm ready to tackle this big hurdle and finally move on.
Here's to digging down deep and examining our heart and soul to discover health .
Monday, May 27, 2013
Okay, so here I go... I signed myself up for Color Me Rad 5k run in July... yikes. I am in no way shape or form a runner. A part of me loathes running and always has. I liked to sprint and do hurdles as a youngin, and I joined the cross country running team mostly because that's what I did in junior high... I joined stuff. :)
But, a small part of me knows that there is a potential runner in there somewhere. And that is why I signed up with some friends to do the 5k. I watched a dear friend of mine transform her life, her family's life and her entire view of herself and a big part of that was running. I have this ideal fantasy in my head of strapping on my iPhone armband, tying up my runners and hitting the road, just me, my music and my own willpower and thoughts. But I know it won't feel awesome all at once.
A huge part of my lack of dedication to myself is time management and making time for myself. I don't always get to do that with my busy life, but I have to schedule it and make the time for it or it will NEVER happen. My schedule is not going to start suggesting times for me or anything, I have to take those important steps. I realize that for running I'm likely going to have to get up uber early and do it before my husband leaves for work in the morning after working sometimes until 11 or 11:30 at night, which is not the most appealing time slot, but then I can shower and get on with my busy day. I will just have to start going to bed as early as I can with my work schedule and being ok with taking naps when they are necessary without thinking of the hundred things on the to do list or feeling lazy.
I know if I leave it until evening I will not feel like doing it and I'll find a million reasons not to.
My goal this week is to get out running at least twice. Maybe I'll start tomorrow morning. :)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Okay.... how many times can I fall and get back up? How often can I say, "That's it... starting tomorrow or next week I'll get back at it?" Why do I keep falling down and giving up? It's really not ALL that hard and I know the health benefits, see results, feel good, enjoy the team support and have a real sense of myself when I'm at "it". So why the giving up and self-sabotage? This January I weighed in at the very heaviest I've ever been. That's not okay with me. I want to be a good role model for my kids. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel energetic. I want to be healthy. I want to feel okay in whatever I'm wearing. I want to accept myself fully and completely. I want to change. So why am I not willing to work for it? Am I lazy? I've pondered this, and I'm really not. I work hard at so many things without giving up no matter what. But I think that's part of the issue. My life is so very full that there is very little me time and very little down time. Am I self-sabotaging? If so why? What am I afraid of? I don't really think I am on purpose, but could I be and not know it? I don't get it. It's not like I can't stick to things or I'm a quitter. But I am kind of all or nothing. If I didn't need to eat ANYTHING to live, like quitting smoking, I think I could totally do that... But I suck at moderation. I go to the end of the spectrum on anything I like - crafts, hobbies, books, movies, food, everything. Now if only I could learn to love the gym. :)
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