MEL2POINT0   3,964
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Dear Mel:

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Dear Mel,

I forgive you! I forgive you for not being who you thought you would be. I forgive you for not always taking care of yourself. I forgive you for thinking, talking and feeling badly about yourself and your body.

Others may have said things to make you doubt who you were and to change how you felt about yourself over the years, and that hurts. And it's ok to hurt and to not like that that happened. It's ok to get angry about others influencing your self-confidence. But it's not ok to believe them, and to internalize it and to make it true. Was it true? No!

That's the important thing to remember... It's SELF confidence. It's SELF love or SELF loathing that has the biggest impact. Do you love yourself? Do you feel good enough? Do you feel awesome just as you are? Why not? It's time to let it go, and move forward. What are you waiting for? The other shoe to drop? The diabetes or the cholesterol issue or some other weight related disease? HELL NO... HELL NO!

Now is the time. You're a great mother and a fantastic wife. You're a great sister and a good friend. You have a wonderful life that is rich and full and satisfying. You are lucky and blessed and fortunate. You are whole. You are enough. You are worth it. You are worth FIGHTING for! You are worth the struggle and the time and the effort to make yourself healthy. You want to live a long life full of LIFE!! and memories and good times and new challenges and adventures.

You need to want your kids to have you here and learn healthy living from you MORE than you want to sit around and watch tv and eat junk. YOU have to make that choice. No one can make it for you. YOU have to... NOW! And once and for all. No coming back here. You are 228 pounds - your heaviest EVER! You never ever thought you'd get to this point. LET IT GO! I forgive you for getting here. Now let's get OUT OF HERE. Let's get to where we deserve to be and where we need to be. BRING IT ON, WORLD!....

I'm READY.

Love, Mel

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEL2POINT0 1/12/2014 8:37PM

    Thanks Angie! I feel like it can really happen this time. :)


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ANGIE121 1/9/2014 6:00PM

    love this Good Luck you can do it!


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One month of effort, 2 pounds down...

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Well, I have successfully finished 4 weeks of changing my life. I have done 4, 5 or 6 workouts per week for 4 weeks, cut out almost all pop, and unhealthy snacking. I have started running, training with a 5k app (zombies, run!)... Super fun! That has been part of my workouts for the last 2 weeks.

However, so far my scale so far is almost completely ignoring my efforts... the best effort I've put forth in many a year. So, I just keep telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat and that I can see little body changes in the mirror even if the scale refuses to acknowledge it. It will and has to come down as I continue to exercise and make positive food changes.

My intake is not perfect, nor will it ever truly be perfect, because that's not life. But, I am making significant changes and trying to be reasonable in a sustainable way. I tend to do well for a little while but in a depriving way and then I freak out and eat the contents of my house, so I think I'm doing very well. I've gone out to eat a few times even... but to Subway or to get a Wendy's salad rather than my husband's bacon cheeseburger.

It is frustrating but this time I'm super determined. I don't know what's different about me but this time it's going to happen... no matter how long it takes to get there I WILL get the results I've been working for. It's my time to love myself, take care of myself and make myself strong for me... and for my 2 little girls who look to me for guidance and for a role model.

One proud moment... My daughter asked if we could go out to eat while running errands this week. I said maybe, where do you want to go? She said, "well, not mcdonalds". I asked why not because she loves happy meals and she said, "well, you're trying to eat healthy so we should go somewhere healthier" and we all ate at Subway together and were satisfied and not full of grease. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISTISPARK 9/19/2013 3:28PM

    Keep pushing through Mel!
You are awesome!
Also, I approve of your Subway...Eat Fresh, choice though I am up to my eyeballs in Subway for the moment!
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SLIMLEIGH1 9/15/2013 12:42AM

    I'm so proud of you Melanie. Your girl is so amazing and it's so wonderful to hear that she is so supportive.

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MEL2POINT0 9/9/2013 6:22PM

    Thank you. :) I'm trying not to let it bother me but started paying more attention to my nutrition this week as well.

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CRAFTINWIFE 9/9/2013 4:44PM

    The scale can be frustrating, just remember whatever number it says it's not the be all, end all.
Sounds like you are raising an amazing daughter!

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Soul Searching... and Mending

Friday, June 14, 2013

Yesterday was a pretty significant day for me. Not in an exercise, food or weight success sense, but likely more important than all 3 of those put together. It was kind of a perfect storm of what I needed to hear now and what I needed to acknowledge and fully understand.

I went to see my chiropractor, who is really truly like a life coach and an amazing man. He always talks to me about life and how to deal with stress and how to be a healthier version of myself. Today he said something that stuck with me all day. He said that Dr. Morter, one of his role models has said that you can want something with all your heart... but you won't get it until you truly believe that you deserve it. That gave me pause. I am always wishing and wanting to be thinner and healthier and be back to the Melanie that is inside and waiting to come out and enjoy life more... but do I feel like I deserve it? Maybe not. That's a hard thing to think about and doesn't have an easy yes or know answer. I know that intellectually I think I deserve it, know that I can achieve it and know that it's worth it, but deep down, what is my inner monologue saying to me?

This would be enough of an eye opener for the day and enough to sink my teeth into and work on, but then I had a lengthy conversation with my good friend Rita, who has been on an astounding path towards her own health for a few years and is one of the healthiest people I know. She and I talked about what my chiro said and how I felt about it and then we got into talking about fears and holding back. I've always had a fear of not knowing when to stop losing weight, because even when I was a healthy weight I felt fat and always identified myself as the fat one, honestly. My two older sisters were slender, athletic builds and I was a wider build with big ribs and shorter legs. My family always talked about my "baby fat" and how chubby I was growing up and I internalized it. I was the chubby sister and that's the way I viewed myself. My best friends were absolute twigs growing up... one of them is still a size 4, another I'm not close to anymore likely still size 2 looking at photos of her and the other not quite so small, but taller and very thin as well. My clothes were "something cozy and baggy to wear" and I could never borrow theirs. So, I felt like a hippo growing up with them, always the biggest even though when I see pictures I was absolutely healthy, perfect weight for my height and build and into all kinds of sports... only I couldn't see it and appreciate it. So, I've always thought that if I get to my "ideal" size and weight that it won't be enough, I won't see it and I won't be happy with it. My other fear is that even if I DO recognize that I'm at a good weight, etc. I still will really not like my body... That's a tough one too. How do you know unless you get there right? But how do you get there when you're the one holding yourself back?

I've often talked to my sister or my mom about how I sabotage myself. I've only ever been really successful at losing weight once. I lost 38 pounds and did it rather quickly... because I didn't realize I had a thyroid issue and my metabolism was hurting me. I was sick so often in those few months that I was getting in trouble at work for my attendance. So, healthy weight loss is not something I know well. So, now I get all fired up, I shop for healthy food, get out exercising, drink my water, make new recipes, chat with my supports on sparkpeople, do everything I'm supposed to do... for, like, a week or two and then I quit on myself.

Is it because I hate drinking water? NO, in fact, I crave it and recognize how much better I feel drinking it once I get into the habit.

Is it because I hate exercising? No. I do have a hard time talking myself into getting started, but then I honestly do enjoy it and I love the exercise high I'm on when I finish.

Is it because I hate healthy food? No. I'm not going to lie, I love pizza and chocolate and all kinds of unhelpful foods, but I also love well-made healthy food and feel really good when I'm getting the right fuel in my body.

So, why give up so easily? Why not put more effort into something so important to me, my self confidence, my future, my children, my life? Why indeed.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. Recognizing that I may be stopping myself out of fear and a feeling of not really deserving it has been a breakthrough that I've needed to have for ages. How to fix what's broken? Not sure, but I sure am going to try. Because the only way I'll be permanently successful is to have my body, my brain and my heart on board. I feel positive about my future efforts. I think many many many failures and weak attempts had to happen to bring me to this point and I hope I'm ready to tackle this big hurdle and finally move on.

Here's to digging down deep and examining our heart and soul to discover health emoticon .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAFTINWIFE 6/14/2013 2:33PM

    emoticon

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MEL2POINT0 6/14/2013 2:21PM

    That was some Yoda type stuff right there, Rita lol. I love the idea, very liberating.

Thanks so much for the talk and the love. Love ya girl!! I look forward to the walk. :)

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TUMMY_GIRL 6/14/2013 2:14PM

    And I would suggest throwing away the scale and never counting a calorie again :) They only exsist to allow us a way to judge something that doesn't need to be measured.

Weird radical thought of the day, (this is what happens when I run ;) weird thoughts just pop in) What if we just stopped trying to lose weight? What if we just tried to eat to feed ourselves the very best we knew how, tried to move our bodies once a day however we like and just let it go. Imagine the time we'd have? Never counting, worrying and just got on to fully embracing the life that has always been there, waiting. Just imagine that? Wow!

Crap,that was some profound stuff right there, lol. I'm going to sit with that for a bit.

I needed that talk too, you are my girl! And I don't have near all the answers either but I'll walk alongside you the whole way.

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Running??! Like, in front of people?!?

Monday, May 27, 2013

Okay, so here I go... I signed myself up for Color Me Rad 5k run in July... yikes. I am in no way shape or form a runner. A part of me loathes running and always has. I liked to sprint and do hurdles as a youngin, and I joined the cross country running team mostly because that's what I did in junior high... I joined stuff. :)
But, a small part of me knows that there is a potential runner in there somewhere. And that is why I signed up with some friends to do the 5k. I watched a dear friend of mine transform her life, her family's life and her entire view of herself and a big part of that was running. I have this ideal fantasy in my head of strapping on my iPhone armband, tying up my runners and hitting the road, just me, my music and my own willpower and thoughts. But I know it won't feel awesome all at once.
A huge part of my lack of dedication to myself is time management and making time for myself. I don't always get to do that with my busy life, but I have to schedule it and make the time for it or it will NEVER happen. My schedule is not going to start suggesting times for me or anything, I have to take those important steps. I realize that for running I'm likely going to have to get up uber early and do it before my husband leaves for work in the morning after working sometimes until 11 or 11:30 at night, which is not the most appealing time slot, but then I can shower and get on with my busy day. I will just have to start going to bed as early as I can with my work schedule and being ok with taking naps when they are necessary without thinking of the hundred things on the to do list or feeling lazy.
I know if I leave it until evening I will not feel like doing it and I'll find a million reasons not to.
My goal this week is to get out running at least twice. Maybe I'll start tomorrow morning. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEL2POINT0 5/27/2013 12:38PM

    Wow, thank you all for all of the love and encouragement!

I found "active" couch to 5K where I pick my trainer and it lets me listen to my own motivating music. I made a playlist called "get your sweat on" lol and I've tried it twice... it's hard but doable and it recommends 3x a week, so I think I can do that.

I am really motivated to make things work for me finally. I really appreciate you all taking the time to encourage me. :) emoticon

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SONAD53 5/27/2013 12:10PM

    Congratulations on signing up and going public with what you are doing. I found that by telling people what I am doing gave me that added incentive of getting out there and training.

Take the time to train properly by incrementally increasing the distance you run. start off by alternating running with walking....there are a lot of good free training programs on line.

I have successfully trained non-running co-workers to get from 0 to running 5m. Some never thought they could ever achieve that goal and when they did they were very proud of themselves.

You can do it....why put off the run till tomorrow - do it today! It will only take about 30-40 minutes out of your day.

I wish you success on your journey and I look forward to reading how things are going.

If you like, you can read about my running story at: www.theressomethingaboutrunning.com


cheers!

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BLUEANGELLK 5/27/2013 12:09PM

    Good for you. You can do it!!

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SPARKLISE 5/27/2013 12:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JULISKA09 5/27/2013 11:57AM

    Congratulations on signing up for a 5K! I did a color run that was locally sponsored and I had a blast. Don't sweat it if you need to take walking breaks - I did and so did lots of other people. Some people walked the whole thing.

Find a good Couch to 5K program to follow that gives you adequate time to train. Don't stress about it - they're a lot of fun and really won't take as much time as you think.

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What does it take?

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Okay.... how many times can I fall and get back up? How often can I say, "That's it... starting tomorrow or next week I'll get back at it?" Why do I keep falling down and giving up? It's really not ALL that hard and I know the health benefits, see results, feel good, enjoy the team support and have a real sense of myself when I'm at "it". So why the giving up and self-sabotage? This January I weighed in at the very heaviest I've ever been. That's not okay with me. I want to be a good role model for my kids. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel energetic. I want to be healthy. I want to feel okay in whatever I'm wearing. I want to accept myself fully and completely. I want to change. So why am I not willing to work for it? Am I lazy? I've pondered this, and I'm really not. I work hard at so many things without giving up no matter what. But I think that's part of the issue. My life is so very full that there is very little me time and very little down time. Am I self-sabotaging? If so why? What am I afraid of? I don't really think I am on purpose, but could I be and not know it? I don't get it. It's not like I can't stick to things or I'm a quitter. But I am kind of all or nothing. If I didn't need to eat ANYTHING to live, like quitting smoking, I think I could totally do that... But I suck at moderation. I go to the end of the spectrum on anything I like - crafts, hobbies, books, movies, food, everything. Now if only I could learn to love the gym. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEL2POINT0 2/3/2013 7:13PM

    Thanks, Rita. It's hard to keep that in mind some days. You're right, and it's as easy as that.... and as hard as that. :) I will not give up, no matter how many stumbles.

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TUMMY_GIRL 2/3/2013 6:58PM

    I know it sounds so silly, but I truly think that it all comes from love. Love for ourselves and love for others. I definitely fooled myself into thinking I loved myself but remember when I got to goal weight? That was a huge wake up call. It turned out that I'd made the whole weight loss process about trying to fix something that was "wrong", when it should have been about loving myself enough to do the right thing for my body. And even at the very lightest I'd ever been, I never saw the beauty, the love or the accomplishment of what I had done - the results were frightening.

Now I'm kind of in the middle, I feel that I know where I need to go and sometimes I can touch it and feel certain and other times I still feel really far from the light I want to be in.

You are loved more than you realize by all those that know you. Find that in you and you're golden babe. Easy peasy lemon squeezy ;)


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MEL2POINT0 1/27/2013 8:23PM

    Thanks for the encouragement! I know, it's a step. I just need to make it a priority at the top of the list, not an afterthought that I don't have the energy for. :)

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SAKS20111 1/26/2013 10:57PM

    hang in there!! We all been through the ups and downs. Ive yoyoed to a point that i have 2 wardrobes. The gd thing is now we are doing something about it and the 1st step to be back on the wagon is "to be back on the wagon"!

Welcome back!!! pick yourself up and keep on sparking! we are all in this together!

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