MEL_UNRAU   90,414
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Less than Stellar

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Yesterday, food wise was less than stellar, thanks to anniversary cake and potatoes.

I didn't start my journaling yet. I need to do that today. I will find a note book and start journaling at my noon meal. Actually-- look-- there's one right there! Above my head. I'll use that and write what I had for breakfast.

And I failed in another way with my food last night. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever done, but, I made a decision to do it. I knew what I was doing was wrong and yet I still did it. I'd rather not go into details, but if you know me or have read my blogs of late, you can probably guess...

Today is a new day. I will find my groove. I will not eat left over cake and I will eat healthy and get back on track. These feelings are just feelings. What we feel does not have to be our truth. I do not have to believe what my emotions are telling me.

Half way to the weekend!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 3/31/2014 2:21PM

    Hope that things are improving girlie! Sorry I'm behind in my reading...just know I am sending you a million and one good vibes!!

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46SHADOW 3/26/2014 3:57PM

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MOMMACASSEY 3/26/2014 9:26AM

    I absolutely hate to feel like I'm wasting food, and yet... sometimes it helps me to just throw out the leftovers rather than deal with the temptation.

But it is Hump Day--a good day to turn yourself around! You can do it!

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TRAVELGO 3/26/2014 9:14AM

  I log EVERYTHING on Spark People and it has REALLY stopped me in my tracks as far as snacking. I don't want to have to log all the excess junk I was eating!

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The Demon

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

It is amazing what a decent night's sleep will do for a person.

I've made some decisions.

I dropped out of a WL challenge. The last thing I need at this moment is an artificial pressure to succeed.

I've got an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I'll talk about the possibility of going back on my medication. I haven't used them since 2010, but I do not want this to get worse and if I need them for a while again, then I need them for a while again.

I'm going to start journaling my foods again. It works better for me than tracking and helps keep me from binge eating.

I did surprisingly well yesterday with my eating. I did make a half loaf of bread with our soup last night and I ate more than I should, but other than that, I didn't over eat. I skipped my workout for the second day in a row and lay a-bed and then took a bath.

My big victory in yesterday?
I did not purge.

I am about to get really honest and I fear this... because people who don't understand disordered eating occasionally comment on my blogs and then I feel even more like sh*t because their comments appear flippant to a person who is deeply struggling.

There is GREAT comfort in disordered eating and disordered thinking. My pain at the moment is because I KNOW there is comfort there, even if it isn't healthy and I am battling the urge to curl up in the warm blanket of disordered eating. I would FEEL better if I purged right now. I would. I ate a low calorie and well balanced breakfast, nothing to be ashamed of-- but I would feel better if I purged.

There is a sense of control in it. When life feels grossly out of control-- disordered eating gives a sense of control. I cannot control x, y, OR z. But, I can control what goes in-- and how it comes out-- of my body.

But, I cannot give in.
I have to fight this Demon.
I have a husband who needs me healthy.
I have children who need me healthy.
I have a daughter now. I will fight tooth and nail to keep this from her. She doesn't need to know about my body image and the pain that I have from the way I feel about the way I look. I want her to grow up knowing that her mother is happy and healthy. I want to be happy and healthy for her, and my son. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin with none of the stress of feeling herself imperfect because I feel grossly imperfect.

Mommy and me is in 25 minutes, so it's time for some shoes and coats... so I've got to run...

Wishing us all peace today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 3/31/2014 2:20PM

    Hang in there girlie - you have really great reasons for being healthy and I know that you will fight on in this as you do in everything else!!! I'm behind you 100%!!!

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46SHADOW 3/26/2014 3:59PM


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KOFFEENUT 3/25/2014 6:27PM

    You are SO right - this is a demon worth conquering, and you have some EXCELLENT reasons to want to! I also understand your hesitation to put yourself out there in a public place because of how easy it is for others to misunderstand. Like many things in life, while you may have empathy for what someone is going through you can't really understand it unless it is a path you've had to walk yourself. Know you aren't alone, and that there are folks here who HAVE been successful in fighting that demon!

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Feeling a failure

Monday, March 24, 2014

I feel like quitting.
I feel awful.
I feel like I'm an ugly, fat, hideous human being.

I had a panic attack on Saturday night.
After which follows a period of depression.
It will likely last a week or two and then I will start to gain ground against the darkness.
But, things look bleak right now.

I know it's a chemical thing in my brain. I've been dealing with this for years. Years and years and years.

But, it's been 18 months or so since my last fight in the dark.
Right now, I just want to bawl.
But, instead, I'm going to fight back my tears and get my shoes on and go to the grocery. It's all I've got in me. My anniversary is tomorrow and I've got to get some food for our dinner.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 3/31/2014 2:18PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through a bleak period...just know that it will (most likely!!) not last forever and you'll be back to feeling like YOU again in no time!

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46SHADOW 3/26/2014 4:04PM


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Changing how I log fitness???

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I am enjoying my fitbit. I like the fact that it does link to SP and I can just click a button and upload my fitness for the day... but, I always go in and edit it, because it gives me SO many minutes and calories burned... because just being "active" for one minute counts as a minute when you upload. But, it's getting old already to edit the time and calories burned (and doing the MATH!)

So do I just change my view on my fitness minutes and just upload and accept that my minutes will be higher than my old normal? Or keep doing the MATH and editing?

It feels strange to change things after 7 years... but if it's easier...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME4CARRI 3/15/2014 12:02AM

    wish I could say something useful! I have no idea;/

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CELIAMINER 3/14/2014 8:11AM

    Understand. My fitness minutes stopped meaning much to me after I linked my Fitbit to SP. I also still track ST and swimming, but only on days that I walk for hours (say, walk a couple of 10K volksmarches), do I consider the Fitbit entry reasonable.

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MOBYCARP 3/13/2014 9:14PM

    I've had a Fitbit linked to SP since February 28. My adjustments:

I no longer worry about tracking cardio workouts. The Fitbit transmits more than I would consider exercise.

I still track strength training, but I don't worry about Spark Points because the Fitbit will max out my exercise points at 24 every day anyway. However, the act of recording my pullups, pushups, etc. reminds me to do them.

What I find interesting is that the calories generated from the Fitbit to SP comes close to the fudged number I enter to get my nutrition tracker to generate what I need to maintain my weight. I don't yet know if it will be close enough to make food adjustments, but it's a lot closer than the old method was.

It's different than manual tracking. The minutes mean something, but they don't mean the same thing as what I used to track. There are pros and cons to it, but on the whole I like the Fitbit linked to the SP account better than I liked the Spark Activity Tracker linked to the SP account.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 3/13/2014 7:01PM

    Interesting dilemma! I have no feedback for you other than that...LOL :-)

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WALLAHALLA 3/13/2014 6:25PM

    I don't like to mess with editing. I just pay attention to my "very active minutes", and make sure that they are what they should be. If not, I move it more.

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CAROL494 3/13/2014 6:12PM


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So it goes

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Thus ends the great SparkPeople Activity Tracker v. fitBit debate.

My 6 year old had been begging to wear a tracker on and off for a while now. I let him wear my SPAT for an hour at Jump Rope For Heart night at the school last night. Annnnddd... It's gone. I went back to check the gym and I couldn't find it. I talked to the principal and she was going to have the custodian check as he swept, but... I don't have a ton of faith that it will turn up.

I'm trying to not be upset. It's a thing. Just a thing. He is clearly upset that it's gone and disappointed in himself. But, clearly, since I'm up at 5:05 AM blogging about it, I'm still a little upset.

I was raised with the idea that things are important. I don't think that's what my parents meant to do, but their focus on thrift and not wasting money is so deeply ingrained in me. It makes it hard to not feel upset that a $60 object is missing. I am incapable of enjoying things when it feels like wasted money. I don't get massages or manicures or spend my money on transient experiences. I've never been to an amusement park because they are expensive and don't last.

It's actually something I don't like about myself. I don't feel like I need to change so that we just spend like mad, but my kids think we are poor because we budget everything and if its not in the budget, we don't spend it. But, the last thing I want them to worry about is money. We are fine financially. Not great, but we are saving for retirement, college and a rainy day. We've got food, mortgage, utilities all covered. We don't have a ton of extra, but we are fine. But, because I was raised that thrift is above all, I worry and stress over nickels and dimes, panicked that I'm being wasteful. And my kids sense that. And it's not fair to them.

I'm trying hard to not show Joshua how upset I am. He doesn't need to carry that.

I did my weigh in this week. I've held steady for 2 weeks, which is okay but a bit disappointing too. I'm burning 5000 cals a week through exercise and watching what I eat... Perhaps not carefully enough though... So, I'm trying to really get a grip on what's going in my mouth!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 3/4/2014 11:41AM

    So bummed about your SPAT getting lost...I am sure that is quite disappointing.

I understand about the "stuff" but I've gotten better about feeling okay spending money on things that might be frivolous to others because some of my best memories are when we went to amusement parks, or took family vacations, etc. I'd actually rather spend money on those things then getting some physical items because when I think back on good times, it is those that I remember first! :-)

I guess it is all about perspective though? At least you are recognizing that you don't like feeling like that and are trying to be cognizant of it!!

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MICKEYMAX 3/2/2014 1:37PM

    not surprised you sound like a great mom!

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WALLAHALLA 3/1/2014 1:51PM

    You would not believe how much "stuff" I accumulate because it was drilled into me that you never throw away any thing that can be washed and reused...including gift wrap and sandwich bags. It is ridiculous, but I do it without thinking. When things happen with my son, and it clashes with the way I was raised, I just tease and tickle him and remind him that I love him SO much more than that object, because he is eternal. Still got to deal with those feelings rather than deny them and let them fester. Hopefully, it will get found.

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CHERYLHURT 3/1/2014 6:52AM

  I'd be so bummed too! I hope you get it back!

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KELLIEBEAN 3/1/2014 6:46AM

    I understand! When your parents really embed something in you it sticks. DH bought me a fitbit in November and I'm nervous every day about losing it. So far so good!

Do you like yoga or have you tried a little meditation? I'm working on that. It helps.

Hang in here, stick to your plan. You will be great!


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GHOSTFLAMES 3/1/2014 6:05AM

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