Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Yesterday, food wise was less than stellar, thanks to anniversary cake and potatoes.
I didn't start my journaling yet. I need to do that today. I will find a note book and start journaling at my noon meal. Actually-- look-- there's one right there! Above my head. I'll use that and write what I had for breakfast.
And I failed in another way with my food last night. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever done, but, I made a decision to do it. I knew what I was doing was wrong and yet I still did it. I'd rather not go into details, but if you know me or have read my blogs of late, you can probably guess...
Today is a new day. I will find my groove. I will not eat left over cake and I will eat healthy and get back on track. These feelings are just feelings. What we feel does not have to be our truth. I do not have to believe what my emotions are telling me.
Half way to the weekend!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
It is amazing what a decent night's sleep will do for a person.
I've made some decisions.
I dropped out of a WL challenge. The last thing I need at this moment is an artificial pressure to succeed.
I've got an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I'll talk about the possibility of going back on my medication. I haven't used them since 2010, but I do not want this to get worse and if I need them for a while again, then I need them for a while again.
I'm going to start journaling my foods again. It works better for me than tracking and helps keep me from binge eating.
I did surprisingly well yesterday with my eating. I did make a half loaf of bread with our soup last night and I ate more than I should, but other than that, I didn't over eat. I skipped my workout for the second day in a row and lay a-bed and then took a bath.
My big victory in yesterday?
I did not purge.
I am about to get really honest and I fear this... because people who don't understand disordered eating occasionally comment on my blogs and then I feel even more like sh*t because their comments appear flippant to a person who is deeply struggling.
There is GREAT comfort in disordered eating and disordered thinking. My pain at the moment is because I KNOW there is comfort there, even if it isn't healthy and I am battling the urge to curl up in the warm blanket of disordered eating. I would FEEL better if I purged right now. I would. I ate a low calorie and well balanced breakfast, nothing to be ashamed of-- but I would feel better if I purged.
There is a sense of control in it. When life feels grossly out of control-- disordered eating gives a sense of control. I cannot control x, y, OR z. But, I can control what goes in-- and how it comes out-- of my body.
But, I cannot give in.
I have to fight this Demon.
I have a husband who needs me healthy.
I have children who need me healthy.
I have a daughter now. I will fight tooth and nail to keep this from her. She doesn't need to know about my body image and the pain that I have from the way I feel about the way I look. I want her to grow up knowing that her mother is happy and healthy. I want to be happy and healthy for her, and my son. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin with none of the stress of feeling herself imperfect because I feel grossly imperfect.
Mommy and me is in 25 minutes, so it's time for some shoes and coats... so I've got to run...
Wishing us all peace today.
Monday, March 24, 2014
I feel like quitting.
I feel awful.
I feel like I'm an ugly, fat, hideous human being.
I had a panic attack on Saturday night.
After which follows a period of depression.
It will likely last a week or two and then I will start to gain ground against the darkness.
But, things look bleak right now.
I know it's a chemical thing in my brain. I've been dealing with this for years. Years and years and years.
But, it's been 18 months or so since my last fight in the dark.
Right now, I just want to bawl.
But, instead, I'm going to fight back my tears and get my shoes on and go to the grocery. It's all I've got in me. My anniversary is tomorrow and I've got to get some food for our dinner.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I am enjoying my fitbit. I like the fact that it does link to SP and I can just click a button and upload my fitness for the day... but, I always go in and edit it, because it gives me SO many minutes and calories burned... because just being "active" for one minute counts as a minute when you upload. But, it's getting old already to edit the time and calories burned (and doing the MATH!)
So do I just change my view on my fitness minutes and just upload and accept that my minutes will be higher than my old normal? Or keep doing the MATH and editing?
It feels strange to change things after 7 years... but if it's easier...
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Thus ends the great SparkPeople Activity Tracker v. fitBit debate.
My 6 year old had been begging to wear a tracker on and off for a while now. I let him wear my SPAT for an hour at Jump Rope For Heart night at the school last night. Annnnddd... It's gone. I went back to check the gym and I couldn't find it. I talked to the principal and she was going to have the custodian check as he swept, but... I don't have a ton of faith that it will turn up.
I'm trying to not be upset. It's a thing. Just a thing. He is clearly upset that it's gone and disappointed in himself. But, clearly, since I'm up at 5:05 AM blogging about it, I'm still a little upset.
I was raised with the idea that things are important. I don't think that's what my parents meant to do, but their focus on thrift and not wasting money is so deeply ingrained in me. It makes it hard to not feel upset that a $60 object is missing. I am incapable of enjoying things when it feels like wasted money. I don't get massages or manicures or spend my money on transient experiences. I've never been to an amusement park because they are expensive and don't last.
It's actually something I don't like about myself. I don't feel like I need to change so that we just spend like mad, but my kids think we are poor because we budget everything and if its not in the budget, we don't spend it. But, the last thing I want them to worry about is money. We are fine financially. Not great, but we are saving for retirement, college and a rainy day. We've got food, mortgage, utilities all covered. We don't have a ton of extra, but we are fine. But, because I was raised that thrift is above all, I worry and stress over nickels and dimes, panicked that I'm being wasteful. And my kids sense that. And it's not fair to them.
I'm trying hard to not show Joshua how upset I am. He doesn't need to carry that.
I did my weigh in this week. I've held steady for 2 weeks, which is okay but a bit disappointing too. I'm burning 5000 cals a week through exercise and watching what I eat... Perhaps not carefully enough though... So, I'm trying to really get a grip on what's going in my mouth!
Get An Email Alert Each Time MEL_UNRAU Posts