Thursday, May 16, 2013
This morning I had a check-in with my doctor. First one since I started this whole Ďget a hold of yourself woman!í thing again. Since Iím being all honest and stuff, I will admit that I have been on antidepressants for a few months. Theyíre not a miracle drug, I mean, I donít wake up wanting to run around like a little girl picking daisies in springtime but they help to keep me from crying at any tv commercial that has an adorable kitten in it.
So it was time for a refill Ė my doctor doesnít just give phone-in refills, he insists on meeting face to face! (I think itís because he gets paid by the visit :) ) Anyway, last time Iíd seen him, heíd given me directions to get some blood tests for thyroid, cholesterol, diabetes, a few other things. So this morning when I saw him he says, Ďoh I see you went and got your blood work done. Everything looks great. More than great actually, your HDL ratio is fantastic. No elevated blood sugars. Thyroid totally normal.í
So I say to him, ĎSo, what youíre saying is that there is no medical reason why Iím fat?í. He laughed and agreed that no, there was no obvious medical reason for it. He acknowledged that most people would like to have a reason for it so that they can then get treatment but for the most part, itís not the case (there are exceptions, like people who have PCOS etc). He talked about possibly in the future with medical research and progress theyíll be able to pinpoint hormone problems better etc. but right now, no, nothing obvious. I told him about losing almost 30lbs so far (he was thrilled of course, as any doctor would be), and about wanting to start running. Heís all for it, says thereís no medical reason why I shouldnít but to be sure to be careful with my limbs!! (I didnít tell him Iíd already hurt myself onceÖlol)
So I am both happy and disappointed in this result. Part of me wishes that there was a medical name I could use to fling around when the topic of my weight comes up. An excuse I could use to say, well, you donít know anything. I happen to have a medical condition. But the other part of me is happy because I know that there is no reason why I canít lose the weight other than whatís going on in my head. I think Iíve always known the truth really Ė I eat too much, comfort myself with food and I have lazy tendencies and hobbies.
Now that Iím dealing with the issues above the neck along with the ones below it, I have a different feeling this time around. I keep saying to myself Ďthis is a done dealí. I donít know where the saying came from, I donít know why it sticks to me, but when I look at a giant wedge of cheesecake or think about binging, I just have this voice in my head that says, Ďthis is a done deal.í To me there is no going back, I canít go back. So whether it takes me months or years, this is how Iím going to live my life. Like Iím important, like Iím worth it. Even if Iím not important or worth anything to anyone else, I am to myself. And this is the most important thing I continue to work on.
Previously I would gauge my self worth through other peopleís eyes. My familyís, my friends, someone I was dating. The latter being the absolute worst gauge I could use. A man who I barely know could make me feel like crap in milliseconds based on something he said (or didnít say) or the way he acted (or didnít act). But Iím not doing that anymore. Iíve been working on building my own self esteem not reinforced by anyone else. Iíve been concentrating on telling myself that Iím awesome. And I'd like to think that one day, someone who is also awesome is going to agree with me. And anyone who doesnít, isnít worth my time or effort. So their opinion of me or lack of concern for me, is not a concern of mine.
(Alright, alright. I admit it - TOTALLY easier said than done. I ain't perfect, but this is what I'm striving towards.)
I want to remind you all that YOU'RE worth it too.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Today is provincial election day here in British Columbia. One of the things I love about Canadian politics is the short campaign windows. They drop the writ and say ĎGOí and the parties have 30 days to make their case. Then we vote! It doesnít go on and on for months or years Ė itís kind of nice.
I wonít go into the whole Ďhow our government worksí Ė but itís different than in the states with their set 4 year elections and 2 year congress. With our numerous federal elections in the latter part of the 2000s and our provincial elections on top of that, I think weíre a little voted out. There seems to be a lot of voter apathy. The last provincial election there was only a 50% voter turnout.
And in spite of my even my own apathy, tonight I will be at the polls casting my vote. Honestly, Iím so tired of both the major parties and all their BS that Iím not voting for either one of them. This is a common occurrence here it seems. We donít vote FOR a party so much as we vote AGAINST another party. And since I donít like either of the two major parties Ė I guess Iím going to vote against them both. In my particular riding, the 3rd party doesnít have much of a chance of winning (they do in other ridings (districts) though) but I'm going to vote for them anyway.
A campaigner for one of the major two parties came to my door last weekend, we talked a bit, I told her candidly that I wasnít voting for her party because I thought they were just as full of sh*t as the party in office right now. So she said, Ďwell donít you think that voting for the third party will just be a case of you throwing your vote awayí? And my answer to that is no. No, I donít think thatís true. I think every time someone votes for an alternative party than the two big boys, that other people will look a little closer at that party next time. And slowly but surely things start to change. It has already changed federally Ė that 3rd party actually has someone elected and representing in the House of Commons. And hopefully weíll see some change provincially. Iím not even sure I want the party Iím voting for to actually form government, but I do want some different voices and opinions in the house.
The other reason Iíll be casting a vote tonight Ė and this is the main reason Ė is BECAUSE I CAN. Because all over the world, millions of people have NO SAY in how they are governed or taxed. There are dictators and kings and all kinds of other systems that do not allow citizens to stand up and say who they want to be running their country. And also because here in Canada and in many other democratic countries, millions of women lobbied, argued and fought HARD to give me the right to my opinion and my vote as a woman.
So sure, it would be easy to say, meh, Iím not voting because I donít like either party. But if I donít vote, then I shouldnít have a chance to b*tch about what happens afterwards.
Next time you have your chance Ė use it. Honour those people who fought for the right to do it and those people who are still fighting for it.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
It's a rare double blog entry day. But I just had to share the wisdom that my grandmother bestowed on me today as I was out for lunch with her and my mom for Mother's Day.
We had just sat down at the table and were looking over our menu when my 92 year old grandmother says, 'You know what you should do? You should go down to Seattle and hang around a big and tall men's shop until you meet someone. Because you need a big, tall man. Someone that can handle you in those high heels' (incidentally, I was wearing heels and I will admit I'm about 6' in heels).
Ummmm, thanks Grandma?
So let's examine this piece of wisdom.
Number 1 - uh wtf? Where did this topic even come from and why is it first on the list for discussion the minute we sit down? - I never got an explanation from her. But she's known for making random statements at inappropriate times.
Number 2 - why Seattle? I asked her this - she said, 'well because they grow'em bigger in the states' (bahahaha!!!) 'and you need a nice big cuddly man' (can't argue with you there Grandma...but a big and tall men's store in Seattle? Really?).
She then went on to explain that she's not getting any younger and would like some great-grandchildren. Because it would piss her off, I didn't point out that my cousin already has 4 children. So she's a great-grandmother 4x over. Get this - when my cousin was about 19 she got mad and told grandma off, grandma NEVER lets anything go. She hasn't forgiven her. It's been about 17 years. As far as she's concerned, she doesn't have great-grandchildren. lol... I also didn't point out that my brother was getting married in September and very likely would be starting a family very soon afterwards, so she didn't have long to wait.
But NOPE. Nope, it's apparently my duty. And to fulfill my duty, apparently all I gotta do is hang out at a men's clothing store in Seattle. So there ya have it folks. Straight from Grandma's box of tricks - if you want a big cuddly man, then get yourself to the USA (if you're not already there) and stand around the big and tall men's store and voila!
And all this time you've been trying it the old fashioned way. Pffft. Silly you.
Happy Mother's Day Everyone!!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Seriously, I'm a musical idiot. I'm that person that has no idea who sings what or what the name of a song is. So someone will say, oh I LOVE that artist, and I'll have no idea who they're talking about. Then they'll play some of their music and I'll be all 'hey I know that song!' When I'm getting to know a guy and we're looking for things in common, they usually ask 'hey, what kind of music do you like', I never have a good answer. Because I like it all. And I hate it all. Depends on what you're playing at the second you ask me. I've been known to like Scottish bagpipe music - seriously. See what I mean? Questionable taste in music.
I'm still playing cd's in my car that I bought 15 years ago. I buy music on iTunes like twice a year. And usually it's on someone else's recommendation or suggestion. Very occasionally, it will be because one of the people that I am aware of has released a new album or something. But that's rare.
So there is a point to this - my point is that yesterday I was out doing my C25K run (which I have just started again) and I went to my 'workout' mix on my phone - and as I'm running/walking I was thinking geeze, I have heard this song about a thousand times. And that's probably because I haven't changed the workout mix in about 2 years. And there's only about 40 songs on there. So I need your help to expand my repertoire.
Now you have to understand, of the music that I do like - it's all over the map. I don't have a particular genre that I stick with. And then of course finding fast paced music for working out adds the extra difficulty. Also, I try to stay away from douchy rap singers (but there is a Nelly song and unfortunately a Kanye song did make it on to the play list - I just workout harder to it cause I think he wins for ultimate douche).
So I'll tell you what's currently on the playlist and you tell ME what I need to download to mix this up!!
Now - be forwarned, I went to high school in the 90s. Thus I'm heavily influenced by what you young'uns are going to refer to as 'old timer music' and what people older than me are going to refer to as annoying.
So without further ado, here is my shameful listening pleasures:
Missy Elliott - Workit, Pass That Dutch
Madonna- 4 songs from Hard Candy album
C+C Music Factory - Gonna Make you Sweat - YES I'm A CHILD OF THE 90s.
Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca - what? you got something to say about that?
Marilyn Manson - Beautiful People (see? told you I was all over the map)
Will Smith - Gettin' Jiggy Wit It, Pump Ya Breaks (he's so underrated)
Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain (again, child of the 90s, what can I say?)
Crazy Town - Butterfly (see above)
Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow, I Gotta Feeling, The Time
Britney Spears - Womanizer, Circu, If U Seek Amy (I usually hit skip on her)
Justin Timberlake - SexyBack (I do love me some JT)
War - Low Rider (yes, I'm a big 60s/70s rock fan too)
Kid Rock - Cowboy, Bawitdaba (again - see? all over the map and I have a shameful crush on him even though he's sort of greasy and a waffle house gang banger, lol)
Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
Daft Punk - One More Time
Colourbox - Pump Up The Volume
Kanye West - Stronger
Nelly - Hot in Herre
Outkast - Hey Ya
Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
Technotronic - Pump Up The Jam
House of Pain - Jump Around
Katy Perry - California Gurls, Firework
Adam Lambert - For Your Entertainment (my first and last former Idol purchase)
2 Unlimited - Get Ready For This
Ram Jam - Black Betty
Far East Movement - Like a G6
Willow - Whip My Hair (wtf? I usually skip through this)
Cee Lo Green - F**k You (still makes me smile)
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Pink - Raise Your Glass, Get the Party Started
Now MOST of that music - you will never hear me listening to in the car. It is ONLY found on my workout playlist. I'm not a hip hop fan except to workout to. I mostly listen to classic rock or modern bands that sound like classic rock (if you haven't discovered The Sheepdogs, do so).
SO - if you are a child of the 90s and have a wicked collection of music that we used to do the running-man to at the school dances, or if you're younger and actually know today's good rocking music, please please give me your suggestions because I really need to change things up around here.
Bring it on!
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Iím not sure I can remember a day that I havenít eaten SOME sort of chocolate. Reeseís peanut butter cups and anything with mint and chocolate combined are my favourites. Chocolate is part of my meal planning, itís included in my food tracking, itís worked into the calories allotment. Because a world without chocolate just isnít right. In fact, a world without a lot of things just isnít right. For the first time in all my years of dieting, I am not eliminating one damn thing from my food repertoire anymore. Because life isnít like that. You canít just eliminate things you like and think you can live without them forever more. This goes for more than food Ė it goes for stuff and people too!
So although I certainly have cut way WAY down on drinking diet soda (like from 2 cans a day to maybe one a month), I havenít eliminated it. I havenít eliminated butter (but I do measure every teaspoon!), I havenít eliminated carbs, I havenít eliminated ANYTHING. Because I need to learn to live in a world where all thatís available IS butter. Weíre always stuck in those situations that we can do nothing more than our best Ė where we have no control over the menu or how it was prepared (weddings, business conference lunches, friendís houses for dinner etc.). And I remember in the past being in those situations and eating the food and then feeling this enormous amount of guilt over what I was eating. Even though my choices were eat it, or starve. What kind of choice is that? Specifically, I remember one dinner where my parents served steak and asparagus with hollandaise sauce on it. And I remember almost bursting into tears because I had no control over it. HOW WRONG IS THAT? I donít want to feel that way anymore, I donít want to feel guilt for what I eat or donít eat. I want to make the best choice I can at the moment Iím in it. And if I don't have a choice, then just accept it. Sure, Iíll track it. And maybe it ends up being a 3,000 calorie day. But thatís because thatís what happens. I canít let it derail me and just throw up my hands and think well, screw it, this is too hard and I messed up already anyway.
I want to live my life where food does not dictate or control what I do or how I feel about myself. Iíve let it do that too many times in the past and Iím done with that. So you know what? I eat the damn chocolate EVERY DAY. Because I like it. Donít get me wrong, I donít spend my entire 2,000 calorie daily allotment just on chocolate and then claim I stayed within my calorie range. I eat good nutritious, filling food throughout the day but I leave 80 calories at the end of the day for a peanut butter cup. If I donít have enough calories for that, Iíll still have one of those little Ikea chocolates just to get a bite (30 calories).
And I KNOW this is not an option for some people. Some people struggle with just the fact that itís in their house and they know itís there. Thereís no way they can break off 3 squares of a chocolate bar and leave the rest. Iím lucky enough to be able to do this usually with no problem. Unless Iím having some sort of messed up emotional day, but Iím working on recognizing those moments and trying to soothe that feeling with something other than food.
Because life without chocolate is no life at all. Vive le chocolat! (and butter, and popcorn, and candy, and steak and whatever else you like.)
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