Wednesday, March 12, 2014
We're not just talking Wonderbread here. I mean GOOD white bread. Bakery sourdough or french bread or real flaky french croissants (not those awful north american doughy kind that you make sandwiches out of) or those yummy half croissant/half cinnamon roll thingies. If it's white and crunchy - I'm drooling.
I love white bread. I especially love to toast it and smother it in butter. I love butter too, now that I think about it.
White bread is one of my biggest nemesis (there are several, but this one is formidable). I wasn't brought up eating it, my mom always bought that healthy whole grain whole wheat stuff. And I like that too. It's my preference for a sandwich even. But I don't crave it like I do toasted sourdough or french baguettes.
I haven't done it in a long time, but one of my favourite lunches used to be to get some cervelat salami, a few slices of havarti cheese and stuff them into a french baguette. No mayo or mustard or any of that fancy stuff - just bread, meat, cheese. And then I'd basically eat the entire loaf. Yep, I totally did that. On several occasions. It reminded me of when I was in Europe and basically lived on bread, meat and cheese because that's all I could afford at the time.
So with my recent fall from grace and stumble in my habits, my emotional eating tendencies have been coming back and I've been turning to my nemesis for comfort again. I've picked up this habit where on weigh-in days, after I've weighed in, whether the results were good or bad, it meant I could go to the bakery on the way to work and get one of those croissants. Oh and that cinnamon thing. And/or maybe a scone. Seriously, they should limit access to bakeries for Carb addicts. Like an alarm goes off if we step into a bakery. 'Whoop whoop whoop whoop - CARB ADDICT ALERT - will buy way more than she needs or maybe even wants - whoop whoop whoop whoop'.
That's not the only white bread habit I've picked up - but that's how it started. One day, one croissant. The next day another 'treat' - until every day becomes treat day and I step on a scale and low and behold, I have not only not lost but I've gained. (Let's not blame it all on my white bread addiction, we have to remember my penchant for fried foods which I indulged in especially when I was travelling for work last week and my habit of mainlining chocolate every night for the past two weeks).
I've maintained the exercise habit, though I admit I'm not pushing myself for improvement lately. So that's something that I'm going to need to work on - I need to mix it up again. I'm in an exercise 'rut'. With the time change and lighter evenings after work, I may try to get back into the C25K training though my chiropractor is not a fan of me running again.
So this week, I'm going to concentrate on lowering my sugar intake - meaning no white bread or chocolate. At least I've now eaten all the chocolate in the house. haha
Sunday, March 09, 2014
THAT is an excellent question my friends. I'm asking myself that same question. The last blog entry I made was at the beginning of January and it's now more than 2 months later.
Well, where I've been is struggling. Oh sure, I still logged on everyday, I even tracked my food for most days - up until a few weeks ago I could tell you basically everything I'd eaten for the past year. But I've been half-assing that too lately, I'll track in the morning and then if I eat a poor choice or too much of something, I find myself just not recording it. As if it never happened. Which is bizzarre because I totally used to track every single thing that went into my mouth, good or bad and thus felt very little guilt over it.
I've even been on a BLC team for the past two months, but I rarely post and rarely even read the threads when last year I was super involved in the team and it really helped motivate me.
So where does it go? Where does the commitment to consistency, the joy in feeling strong, the pride in eating well go? I see it happen time and time again to many people here on SP. They're fanatics, they're doing great and then they slowly drift off. They come back every once in a while and say they're starting again but usually within a few weeks or a month or two, they've disappeared again.
I can clearly see where my lackadaisical efforts started. It was after I got home from my brother's wedding. The wedding that had been motivating me between March and September, knowing I had to get into a dress and stand in front of a hundred people. But once that was over, I didn't have anything else pushing or threatening. And I look at my weight loss pattern and I've hovered in basically a 5 lb range for the past 5 months since then. So why do I not feel motivated to keep going? Is it because I'm okay with this weight? Well I'll tell you, I'm not. I never picked out a goal 'number' because I think attaching a number is a good way to set myself up for failure when I may never be able to reach that. So all I've ever had in mind was lose 100 lbs and then see how I feel - do I want to maintain there or go for more? I know I'll never be a tiny person, I've gained and lost so much weight that my skin is riddled with stretch marks and I know it won't retract, so I don't really want to strive for something like 160 and then be just as disappointed that I look like I'm wearing a skin suit. What I want is to get to a weight where I feel healthy, fit, curvy, sexy, and strong. I know that I don't feel that right now, maybe I will at the 100lb mark, maybe I won't. I don't know.
This is totally rambling, I know. This is a stream of consciousness blog entry so if you're getting bored, you're more than welcome to head on over to something more interesting.
I'm trying to find that mojo again - how does it just disappear? I don't get how the threat of the wedding could have been so motivating but something like my high school reunion in May - an event where everyone wants to go back and look WAY better than they did then - isn't as motivating.
I'm at my 1 year point from when I started (again) and I thought for sure I'd be at the 100# mark by then, I was already at 65 by month 6! But then I stalled out. I know there's no timeline, there's no deadline that I have to lose in and that we each have our own journeys but I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to maintain my momentum.
Anyway, that's where I've been. Struggling.
Friday, January 03, 2014
You know that saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions'?
Yeah. That was the holidays for me.
Going into it, I thought yeah, I got this. I've dealt with lots of my 'issues' and developed all these 'tools' so I can handle something as innocuous as several days off in a row, a hiccup in my routine and a few family dinners.
Yeah not so much.
Turns out, and of course you and I both knew this, that nothing has really been fixed in this grand idea of 'control' around uncontrolled circumstances. I was still amazed at how quickly I returned to my old habits. Habits like choosing the cheesiest thing on the menu, eating it all, eating until I was SO full, and mainlining chocolate because it's on EVERYONE's coffee table and given to me as gifts by the bucket load.
So after a few days of eating poorly and not fitting in a workout it was 'starting tomorrow', I'll get back on track. But tomorrow never comes of course. It being a few days after New Years, I still haven't really gotten all of my habits back under control. When this happens, I have to return to the basics and the one thing that really works is to incorporate those changes one at a time. It's not a light switch, I can't flip it and be perfect. So I go back to step 1 - stop drinking diet pop. The pop creates the cravings etc. etc.
I'll move through each step just like I've done before when I faltered. I don't like to use the term 'fall off the wagon' because when I visualize that saying, I see the wagon as being this high place of sober living, the protected area where it's hard to get to and once you do, no one can reach you unless you fall off. But that's not where I can exist, I have to exist in the real world, with my feet on the ground, pounding the pavement on this journey through life. And sometimes, there's this big-ass rock right in the way and I trip over it. And then I lick my wounds, along with some ice cream and a bunch of chocolate and candy and movie theater butter-coated fingers and then I stand up, pull up my now tighter big girl panties, and I keep going. And I slowly pick up all those great habits I had that I dropped when I faltered. Oh! Here's my no-pop habit. Oh! There's my 10 freggies a day habit. And here's my yearning for exercise! It's splayed out like a yard-sale and I just have to pick them up again.
It hasn't been a total and complete gongshow in that I did get some exercise. My brother was visiting (which was awesome) and he worked out with me a few times and went on a big 2 hour hike.
But I haven't been on a scale since before Christmas and I think I'm going to hold off until BLC starts. I'm not quite ready to deal with the damage yet. Not to say that I'm just going to keep going on this dangerous path. I'm working on picking up my good habits again so that hopefully when I do get on that scale for BLC that it the ultimate holiday damage will be kept to a minimum.
So welcome to the New Year folks. I've missed you all!!!
Let's rock 2014.
Monday, December 09, 2013
I've been having a rough week. A rough few weeks really. While I'm continuing to get my exercise in every day, my food issues seem to be rearing their ugly head (just when I thought I'd gotten a hold of them and started to 'master them').
I've been doing a lot of 'comfort eating' and a lot of 'just this once'. Except 'just this once' isn't supposed to mean just-this-once-a-day-along-with-a-bunch-of
-other-crap. And I've been bingeing which I haven't done in a while. I've actually tracked all my food in spite of my bingeing and it's always such a gut punch when I do track it and realize that I've had almost a 4,000 calorie day. Such as going to a movie on Friday and having a large buttered popcorn and m&m's for lunch. Or on Saturday night when I'd spent the day eating within my calorie range (gotta get back on track after the popcorn fiasco from the day before!) and then became obsessed with the thought of chocolate chip cookies. Warm, soft, gooey chocolate chip cookies. So I got up and made them. I should never even have had the ingredients in the house to make them - but I did. And then I ate most of them.
Does anyone else suffer from 'obsessing' over a type of food? I'll get something into my head and then I can't stop thinking about it. It's FOOD for gawd's sake. Why am I focusing on it so intensely? Why is the thought of it all-consuming sometimes? Like with the popcorn - the night before I had decided I was going to go to a movie on my day off and then I immediately thought about the popcorn. Mmmm buttered popcorn. And then I literally thought of it all evening and all morning and had decided that I was going to have it for lunch. And not just a little bit, a LOT. And I looked forward to it the whole time.
In terms of the bingeing, I know that these choices have not been just because I wanted them, they've been me trying to deal with feelings. I've been trying to figure out what it is that's wrong - why I'm turning to food to medicate myself. Some of it started around 'his birthday', some is because I know I'm not going to get to my weight-loss goal for the year (which is dumb because it's JUST a number!), some of it it loneliness, some of it just shear boredom - so many of my friends have moved away and are busy with their own families, I don't have as many people to just do things with.
But I think a lot of it has to do with the holidays approaching. I hate the holidays mostly because it becomes painfully obvious that I'm single. My family even gives me extra gifts because they literally feel bad for me that I don't have someone special buying me something special. I miss my brother and feel like I'm alone at Christmas and that it's all about my stepsister and her husband and their kid - that I'm just an add-on. I get annoyed because Christmas makes me broke because buying all these gifts for people on a single salary is difficult. I get sad because I'd like to have a family and carry on fun Christmas traditions that my parents did with me but I can't because I don't have kids of my own. I get sad because New Year's is coming and I don't have a New Year's kiss waiting for me. As you can see, basically I'm throwing a giant pity party and I'm the guest of honour.
I've recently met a counselor that specializes in depression, body issues and self acceptance techniques. She's running an 8-part course on body acceptance and learning to love yourself and I think I'm going to shell out the cash to take it. I think it might be worth it. My goal for this year was to learn to love myself. I haven't quite learned that yet - I'm still obviously working on it.
I'm not engaged as much on SP as I was - the last few weeks I've been pretty absent. I know one of the reasons is that I just don't like how they've changed things. They've taken away some of the things that I used most often, so I'm not enjoying my experience on the site as much. If it wasn't for BLC I might not have even been on the site at all!
Anyway, just a rough few weeks. Struggling to regain my footings and momentum. It happens to all of us at some point or another. It's staying with the commitment to change my life and my habits that I'm working on. It's not a perfect science.
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