Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me. My agoraphobia is getting bad, which means when I am forced to go out into public, like today, I end up being rude and all b-i-tchy. My depression is acting up so all I really want is loads of sweets and to do nothing but sleep. And it doesn't help that there is one of the last cookies my dad brought home, which is the second best chocolate chip cookie I have ever had staring at me. Grrr.
So today was and is blah. I woke up kinda late, around 10ish, but I was sleeping well, which is an accomplishment in itself. I got to my computer and started doing my Swagbuck thing. Of course this usually means spending an hour clicking and being rejected from all of the surveys. Well today I seemed to qualify, and qualify....and qualify some more. Which is good, but at 10-30 minutes a survey, I spent some time. On the up side, I got 361 Swagbuck today. Which is only 89 shy of a $5 Amazon gift card. I also bought two of those today as well.
So I didn't get working out until nearly one this afternoon. I wasn't really in the mood, but I figured a bad workout is better than no workout. And since I still might not workout on Thursday, I am figuring I better workout now while I can.
It went okay. Honestly I really didn't try very hard. And even though I am sore, and tired, and all that jazz, my heart rate wasn't as high as it normal is. But I did it. Not well, but I did it. After that I planned on a medium length Zumba session. I got to the 6th song and quit. My heart rate wasn't even in my 60% zone (which is over 140). It was like 110 or 120. Weird, but I guess I just wasn't feeling it. I'm really tired though.
I pretty much just quit and went to pick up my medication before the schools get out. The HEB (a local grocery store) is being redone, so parking is a nightmare. I was already dreading going today, and then having to deal with people and having to wait forever with no line (they can't see me, I'm THAT short), my anxiety was super high. I snapped at the women when yet again they asked if I knew how much my birth control was. I have been on this stuff for years, yes I know!!! And no, I don't want a cheaper version, because I take it for a valid medical reason and not to get pregnant. So yeah, I was a bit of a b. Which I don't like being.
Anxiety, making people sound like asses.
I quickly got out of there thinking the entire way that this isn't worth it. Life, working out, going out, medication, all that jazz. Yeah, no one said depression is easy.
I ate probably way more than I should have. But if I am full of meat and fat, then I can not eat that last yummy chocolate chip cookie.
I am still trying new recipes left and right anymore. Tonight I am making a spinach stuffed chicken breast. Which is really freaking me out. Chicken scares me. I got use to cooking it cubed in a pan, but now it's going to be cooked in the oven. Another first for me. I am also toying with the idea of low carb/keto brownie, low carb/keto coconut cookies, and low carb/keto egg nog. I want to make some for tonight, but then again I don't. I have other stuff I need to eat, like my yogurt. But my mom has been hinting she needs her brownie fix. And if I make any for her, 70% will be thrown out if it's "normal brownies."
So that's the plan for tonight and this week food wise. Mom also grabbed some hotdogs and hotdog buns, so that will be good for maybe tomorrow. I'll just have left over chicken. Hehe.
Well that's it. Sorry I'm not more positive, I try to be, but it's not going well. Hope you guys are doing better than me!!
Monday, December 09, 2013
Hello All! I hope everyone's weekend when well!
Friday was my dad's birthday. I made him and cherry cheesecake pie, that sat uneaten until 28 hours later on Saturday. He didn't want it on Friday because of a late lunch and his coworkers got him cookies from a local bakery, which he proceeded to bring home.
Now, I have an issue. My favorite cookie is chocolate chip, but I can't for the life of me find a great recipe. I found a decent recipe, good enough...but still not great. Now this place has GREAT chocolate chip cookies. And well, paired with the fact that I had gotten sick that day and I was on my period, I couldn't resist a few bites.
Plus dad brought home cornbread. I normally wouldn't have made a big deal, but he seemed really proud of himself that he brought me some. So I went ahead and ate half of it. It's one of those small ones you get at Boston Market, so it wasn't that bad.
Saturday I was still in keto. But my period cravings was worse. Dad and I went to breakfast. I did really well, and passed up my favorite brulee french toast (and yes you read that correctly). I had an omelet instead. It was good, but came with toast. So I had half a piece of rye toast, and boy was it good. Dad had the rest, plus I got a piece of his bacon, so fair trade. It kinda made me queasy though, eating so much when I had so little the day before. I also was still tired and not feeling well. I actually pulled a mom, and fell asleep in the chair for an hour or so.
That evening, I was STILL in keto, even after eating a cookie. So I went ahead and had a small piece of pie. It was good. Was it great? I find very little to be excellently delicious anymore, but I didn't want to miss an opportunity.
Sunday I was still in keto, if just barely. I went ahead and did pretty good, and my keto levels seemed to rise. So that evening I indulged in yet another cookie and piece of pie.
Of course, this morning, I was out of keto. Which makes me feel tired and achy. Also I notice that when I get out of keto, my depression worsens and I everything seems so bad. Everything gets worse, my anxiety, my self esteem. Everything.
Plus it doesn't help that my I had to bite the bullet and take something for my stomach last night. It made this morning a non-workout morning.
But I still worked out. Yes, I was planning on not doing so. I wasn't in the mood, I'm tired, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I knew that if I did workout I would go back into keto faster. I had already had something to eat, so I waited for my stomach to settle down. I went ahead and worked out. But right as I was beginning to start I had some heart burn, which meant I was slightly nauseous. So I didn't go as hard as I would normally go, and I felt really bad about not putting in the work. But I didn't feel 100%. Not sick, just not well. I even did my Zumba after hoping that would help improve my mood. It did not.
So do I regret pushing myself out of keto? Yes I do. Keto helps with a few things, but going in and out of it, makes things worse. My longest stint so far since starting on Nov 4, has been 10 days of ketosis. And after about the 7th day, things were looking good. I was sleeping better, my energy level was good. And I didn't have any cravings. But because of the way my period has been coming, holidays, and sweet treats that aren't normally around the house, issues have come.
To be honest, even though before I was looking forward to eating "normally" on Christmas, I really don't want to. I know my mom and dad will make a big deal of it though. I might be able to get away with it after that though. Late January is my birthday, so I mention a keto friendly place they might not notice. February 1st is my mom's birthday so as long as she doesn't request a baked good, I might get away with that day. I could always do cookies, so that way she can take them to work.
I know this might sound extreme, but I really feel mentality awful. I feel like crying. I feel like digging myself hole to live in for the rest of my life. I feel like I am one of the worse beings on the face of the planet. And that's just the depression talking. It doesn't include the fact that when someone looks at me my social anxiety goes crazy and I actually physically run away. And that when my dad starts laughing while looking at me, the first thing out of my mouth is "What did I do?" Which makes him pissed and go "Not everything is about you..." You see where I am going with this. Keto helps not just the scale to go down, but my mentality as well. I'm still not 100% while on keto, but Saturday while in keto I could see myself going and dropping off that application at the cat shelter...today, I am thinking why bother.
Okay...so now I'm on the verge of tears. Depression and anxiety are a funny thing. You know what you think and feel is wrong, but you just can't help actually feeling and thinking that way. I like the bear analogy. If a bear starts to attack you, you feel scared and run away. But having anxiety is like facing bear when there is no bear. Same feelings, same thoughts, same fight or flight hormonal response...but there is no bear.
Okay, well that's all for me. I think I might take a shower and then a nap. Bye guys! Wish me luck that getting back into keto is fast and painless.
Friday, December 06, 2013
Happy Friday guys! Today is a special day because one of my favorite people was born today! YUP! That's right, it's my daddy's birthday. He is extremely hard to shop for, especially if you don't have two or three grand to give for a state of the art Apple or new flat screen tv. So unforntunely he is going to have to wait to get his gifts on Christmas.
But fear not, I did make him his favorite dessert. My dad loves this no bake cheesecake thing we do. It's just cream cheese, lemon juice, sweetened condensed milk, and some vanilla. Combine until smooth, pour in a graham cracker crust then top with a can of cherry pie filling. It's easy, and what I made for his Thanksgiving pot luck at work. Well needless to say, they really enjoyed it and he only got a small piece, so I am making sure he can enjoy nearly an entire pie to himself (well, he has to share with mom).
I, again, didn't sleep well. I think it's mostly because I am re-entering keto. Some people who enter keto feel tired, weak, achy. Me though, I just can't sleep. Oh well. It wasn't too bad, and I was still able to get up and workout out.
We didn't use the Equalizer today. Pooey! But it was an entire 43 minutes of ab work. Boy am I sore. Plus my Zumba was after. I really am trying to be more conscience of the way I work out and move my body. Not just going through the motions, but slowing it down and feeling it. It's hard work with abs because I don't quite have the only "tighten up your abs" and breathe at the same time thing down. Oh well, I'll get soon enough.
After working out, I when ahead and made dad's Cherry Cheesecake Pie. It worked well because I had set out the cream cheese before working out. I got it all done, then like a good girl, I was going to take my fiber. I have been taking psyllium husk powder with some water to help increase my fiber on my keto diet. It's a 100% fiber that helps with digestion and is fairly common in the keto world. Well I have been only taking about 4 grams, and a serving is about 9 grams. I know I need to up it, so I quickly mixed in 5 grams, drank the water...then mixed in another 4 grams and drank the water.
I guess I drank it too fast. Or maybe I took too much at once. Because I got sick. Yup. I got sick about 4 or 5 times to be exact. And it was the projectile, through the noise, in the ear canals sick. Just the idea of looking at anything to eat or drink is making be queasy. Okay, well I did make it to the sink on time. But it was a sink full of dirty dishes. That teaches me to be slow on unloading the dishwasher. So I had to clean pretty much everything....which is exactly what you want to do after you threw up 5 times and are starting to run a fever. Well the kitchen is pretty clean now.
I starting to feel the effects of getting ill. It's very very rare that I get sick. In fact, I only think of 5 times of my life that I got sick. Last time was over a year ago and I got a 24 hour stomach bug that was going around. The time before that was when I had a protein shake then decided to go rollerblading, and found out that a heart rate of 190 or higher will produce a vomiting side effect. The time before that, I was drunk. And before that was in 7th grade when I got this crazy weird unknown thing and was ill for like 7 days. That's about it. So when I get sick, I feel bad.
Especially this time. Because now not only am I dehydrated, which is making my muscles sore, but I really can't eat anything, which is an issue considering just how hard I nailed my workout. And plus it made my throat, ears, and nose super sore. I wish I had more chicken stock though.
Well, hopefully I feel better by tonight. Mom's work is getting crazy, and some people are treating her really badly. She's what you call a sub, which means she does various routes. Some people aren't doing there job, like taking out vacation holds and what not, so it's making it harder on her. Today is going to be pretty bad. I was planning on making pizza for her, so hopefully I'll be able to stomach it later this evening.
Oh, and I also started my period. Weeee.
I am just a bundle of fun aren't I.
It's pretty cold out today, and there's some ice around. Strange things for a Central Texan like myself. Hope everyone is staying safe and warm.
And I am off to take a shower. Then maybe some broth...and tea.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
....For this epically long blog. Spark People was having issues yesterday and ate my blog. So I have more to add to it today. Again I am sorry, and I am going to try to make this as organized as possible.
Thanksgiving Thursday and Black Friday
So both Thursday and Friday I opted out of my low carb lifestyle, and decided to just INDULGE! But to be completely honest, the food, though good, is much like anything else anymore. It was just food. On Wednesday the day before I weighed in at 143.8 pounds. My lowest in over a year. With only 10 days prior being on keto, this proves that low carb is for me. Because of the foods, which I ate more of than I should have, it really jacked with my system. I found it not to be worth it, but I knew if I didn't eat leftovers, we would end up throwing things away. And since I made most of it, I really didn't want to see it in the trash.
Saturday and Sunday
I started eating low carb again on Saturday. I wasn't really tracking too well either days, but I knew what I needed and didn't need to eat. I was still feeling achey and sore from the carb loaded days. I felt like I had worked out on Thursday and Friday, though I didn't. I was just feeling really blah. I also found that I had some major acne flare ups, and my bipolar anger episodes showed up. I had to go to my room in a huff, but the cat decided to follow. Thank gosh for my cat. I was in such a state and just her being near me helped me calm done. I hate when I get my rage episodes. Sunday we when out to eat and a chain cajun joint called Razoos. Pretty tasty blackened fish. I even had a bite of dirty rice, and that's all I needed to satisfy my curiosity. Sunday I even made some coconut hazelnut cookies. They are pretty tasty for only a few carbs. Plus the recipe only made 8, which is perfect for just me. Hehe.
I still didn't reach keto until later on Monday night. I was starting to get worried. I think the biggest shock on Monday was the scale. Just two days of carbs and I was up to 147.4 pounds. Wowwy! I knew it would be mostly water weight and what not, but still, that is a big difference. I restarted my BodyRock 30 Day Challenge. I was a little disappointed because I didn't have my Equalizer yet, and we used it on Day 1. I was really surprised about how much I missed working out those past four days. I realized that it helps with more issues than I thought, and I need to not let the presence of my dad or mom get to me. After BodyRock I have decided to do some extra cardio. So YAY for Zumba! I am determined to get into shape as fast as possible. Plus my heart rate is recovering so fast, my BodyRock isn't burning as many calories as it did the first time around. I guess my endurance is increasing faster than my strength. I needed to make more fat bombs on Monday as well. I was planning on doing the Mounds with peppermint this time, but low and behold the bottle in the pantry was empty. Go figure. I changed it up this time, and made the chocolate with butter. It was thick enough that I only needed on dipping. I had some leftover, so I made some peanut butter cups. Man were those tasty.
I lucked out on Tuesday, as that day didn't have the Equalizer in it. I did my Zumba afterwards too. I watched some Doctor Who and did some knitting. This pattern for my mom is very interesting, but is taking forever and a day. Oh well. I also did yet another new recipe on Tuesday. I made spaghetti squash for the first time. I was shocked to see how much like pasta it really is. I did a creamy garlic sauce, and though the sauce didn't thicken it was really taste. The only down side is it really is too much. Next time I am going to use that sucker for a few things. But it's a keeper. While making it, my Equalizer finally came in. I was so happy. I didn't dare put it together though. I knew I would want to play with it and I really had no desire to get all sweaty again.
Wednesday was measurement day. I wasn't to surprise by them either. I lost were I needed to lose (the waist) but gained in the arms. That's fine, I can see that the gain is all muscle there! I was super excited that I would get to use my Equalizer. I got ready, and put it together. It went together very easily. I was so pumped to use it. Problem was, Day 3 of the BodyRock 30 Day Real Time Challenge, didn't use it. I was so disappointed. So I made a interval work out and did an extra 10 minutes using the Equalizer. OH MY WORD!!!!! It makes such a difference. Muscles I have never worked before where there. And it's so challenging. I feel like a total weakling, and some moves are hard because I'm so freakin' short, but it is AWESOME!!! I still did my Zumba afterwards as well. I watched more Doctor Who (I have like 50 episode of it on the DRV) and knitting. It's nice watching them in order. I also wrote a blog yesterday, but it was lost (as I mentioned before). I made yet another new recipe. Simple and easy. And very very tasty. Pizza bites. Essentially a pepperoni topped with sauce and cheese. Mom complained that it needed more toppings, but I wasn't willingly to let go of the last can of black olives. I feel really bad for her, she is working so hard. Most nights she doesn't get home until 8:30 or 9:00pm. And she goes in at 7:30 in the morning. The United States Postal Service is a very hard and thankless job.
Thursday aka TODAY!
Weighed myself today, and I am finally back down to what I was before Thanksgiving, even a little bit less. 143.2 pounds! So excited to see it moving down, and not up and down like it was before. It took awhile for me to get up and go this morning. I really didn't sleep too well. It's the only side effect I have when I get into keto. Most people experience some side effects when they first get into it, and I get this is one of mine. Not to bad though. I started working out around 12:30. Not really what I wanted but I am knowing it needs to get done. Plus today I finally got to use my Equalizer in the actual workout. Man is it HARD! I feel so weak, but I know that it's going to be one of the best pieces of workout equipment yet. It's something that you can grow with. Unlike my 8 pound dumbbells that are just starting to feel silly in some moves. More Zumba afterwards. I even got the mail, boy is it cold today. I feel for my mom, she hates the cold. I decided to make more peanut butter cups. I went through the other ones pretty fast, plus my period is coming up and it's good to have something like that lying around.
So that's it for my week. I have been keeping busy. Kinda sick of doing dishes though. All those dishes I did before, durning, and after Thanksgiving is not fun. Plus with all my cooking, it's adding up faster than before. Things are looking up, but then again, I know they are going to get even busier soon. I even am thinking about applying for a job. I found one on Craigslist that is pretty much my dream job. Taking care of cats at a shelter. I mean seriously, that is something I can handle. Plus if I get kinda stressed or freaked out, I can always "go check on the cats," to help calm down. I am having a friend look over my resume and cover letter. My dad would do it, but I really wanted an outside opinion. I just hope I get it in on time.
Tomorrow is my dad's 62th Birthday. I didn't get him anything, but I am making his favorite cherry cheesecake pie thingy. He was kinda disappointed that he didn't get but one small piece when I made it for his pot luck. His coworkers seemed to really enjoy it though.
Just basically hoping for some time to breathe. But I'm having a good time. My stress is still high, my agoraphobia is still an issue, but I am trying to keep busy. Trying to just get through every day. It's hard, especially when I start thinking about the future. I just kinda have a panic attack and shut down. But yeah...things are good.
So that's all for me. Have a great rest of the week/weekend. Hopefully I won't wait this long to write again. But I have been busy. Time for a peanut butter cup now. Bye!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
When I decided to do keto, or low carb, I knew holidays would be an exception. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, even though coming nearly every two to three weeks in the Winter, would be "free days." This was to keep my sanity as well as enjoy my life. Everything in moderation right?
Well, I remember how bad I felt when I first started getting into the keto state, also known as keto flu. Well it's NOTHING compared to what I am feeling now. And not really worth it either.
Did I enjoy my sweets, my dressing, my mom's rolls? Yes and no. Everything tasted fine, as it was assured by my mom and dad. But it didn't taste that great. I mean, yes it was good, but it didn't do anything. I didn't do a happy dance like I did with the raspberries. It was just food. Everything any more is just food. I even found myself missing my Chai Spice latte and my cheese and my raspberries.
Plus it gave me some weird symptoms. I was already spotting (whatever, I have PCOS, periods and weirdness go hand and hand), but yesterday and today, I had cramps. I had headaches. I even had one of my bipolar like rage thingy I get once in a while. I took a nap in the chair. I had hot flashes. I felt, and feel like utter poo. No wonder why people that do keto don't have off days that much. I feel worse than when I was elimatinating carbs.
I made a pecan pie, that just didn't do much for me. It was a bit too sweet. The pumpkin pie (again made by me) was good, but I get that again for Christmas (as well as cherry cheesecake pie). The dressing, yet again made by me, was fine, good in fact. But I just really didn't want as much as I normally eat. The rolls which my mom made (though I have a feeling this will also fall to me on Christmas) were really good. But that's because it wasn't sweet. The turkey was really yummy, but it's nearly all gone. I'm going to grab the rest for lunch in a bit.
I actually made my mom take the unfinished half of the pecan pie to work because I didn't have any desire to finish it, neither did she. We mostly make it for me and my dad, but it's too hard for him to eat now (he has bad teeth).
I even stole a piece of chocolate from my mom. It was actually awful. Like just bad. Hard to explain. Friday I ate much like Thursday, but this was because I didn't want leftover to 1) go to waste and 2) tempt me today. Good idea, just wish I felt better.
I didn't get my Equalizer yet, but that's due on Tuesday. I am planning on restarting the 30 Day Challenge again (with some Zumba/yoga after). I am converting a backpack into a makeshift sandbag, and will probably only have two or three day's without my Equalizer. Another issue is the 8 pound weights might not be heavy enough. Hehe. I'll make due.
I am saving up my Swagbucks again, and I am really ranking them in. I have enough so far to max out my five $5 Amazon gift card limit for December. And by December 6th, I'll have enough to max out January's too. I might as well get them while I can!
I keep toying with the idea of going to work. I know I need too, but I just don't want to be one of these flakey people that work for a month, then stop because it becomes too much for them. Which is what happened last time. I really want, and need the money, especially now of all times. I don't know about that health insurance thing though. My issue is working with people. If I work with the same people everyday, I'll be okay, but public people...not so much.
I will be going back to eating keto today, so today is kinda a detox if you will. Lots of water, tea, and fiber!!! The eating totally messed my system up. I really want to make some fat bombs, but I really rather have some erythirol (or however you spell it) for them. I am also going to do some more changes to them, and make them a coconut MINT patty fat bomb. Yummy!
Okay, food then more Doctor Who. I am re-watching from season 3, because I missed a few episodes here and there, and I saw them out of order. I'm up to season 4 on Amazon Prime. Only a few more episodes. This is my favorite season. Donna Noble is AWESOME!
Okay, well have a good weekend guys! Hope your Thanksgivings went well!
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