Sunday, July 13, 2014
I am hating this day: Just 7 short days ago i weighed 4 lbs less than I do today, and I was so hopeful that I was back on the losing streak. Two days later the scale showed a gain, then another gain, and now today it's another gain. I can't figure out where water begins and fat ends. I know I'm over-reacting, and I feel a bit foolish, but it scares me: I've lost more before, and I've gained it-plus back. I need to see clearly what it is that I'm doing wrong. I'm not seeing it, and there is no rain to be gone. I am hating this day because I have to post this four-pound gain, and admit that I am a loser-not.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Well. That's not entirely correct. In order to lose, I must eat less and/or exercise more, first, but I do like to think that tracking alone will make me lose. The past three months were difficult, but are behind me. It's time to cleanse the psyche, and move forward. One of the methods suggested for psyche cleansing, is to forgive someone. Another method is to improve the diet, and get more exercise -- this I am working on. Think I'll let go of a grudge I've been holding onto for years, and forgive someone who wronged me a long, long time ago.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
I think I am fully recuperated, at last. My last blog is visible as I'm writing this, and in that one, I'm complaining about being 156lbs and having completed a 1200-cal binge. I've no clue how many calories I ingested this past week, but I did manage to rid the house of a box of girl-scout cookies, a bag of marshmallows, a bag of gold-fish crackers, a bag of jelly beans, a few cadbury eggs, some buttered sourdough bread, an envelope of whole-grain crackers, and the remains of a bag of tortilla chips. The good-ish news is that then I threw out another half-bag of marshmallows and called it quits. The really good news is all that junk is out of the house, the bad news is the shame of being out of control, and gaining 2.6 lbs. The annoying news is my a1c was 7.4 on Tuesday; too soon to be a result of that 10-day pig out. Don't know what snapped me out of it - running out of junk, the 2+lb gain, or the a1c, but something caught my attention; I think I might survive! I really did well the two weeks that the family was here - even the three days that #1 son's doggies were here (I dislike dogs) -- I deserved the Mothers' Day card he sent (which he's never done in the past). Each of the other three boys sent me (beautiful!) roses.
Re-reading aforementioned blog, and I see a whatchamacallit: anxiety, anger, and frustration predate the pig-out. This bout of aaf is dh's impending open-heart surgery, the frustration of not being able to talk him into doing it now (the valve is 80% closed), rather than waiting, and the anger that I can't talk him into doing it because #1 it's his choice, #2 I could never forgive myself if something should go wrong. That is one big aaf - no wonder I pig-ged out! The aaf isn't going to go away for quite a while; I'm so grateful that I finally got a grip.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Yup. I was a skinny kid, and mom was always on my case about my weight. When I was 14 she told me that grandmothers need to be soft and fluffy. I retorted that soft and fluffy was not what I wanted to be. I vowed I would never be a soft and fluffy gramma, furthermore, I would never be heavy enough to be a burden on the people who were caring for me in my old age.
I managed to stay hard and boney until I was 38 when very slowly the pounds began to pile on until I became a soft and fluffy 220+ pounds grandmother. I remained there for many years.
Then, at my annual checkup, my doctor called me old; which caught my attention, and I remembered my 14-year-old-me's vow; I decided to do something about my situation.
Three hundred and thirty days ago I began this program, and have lost 63.2 pounds. Most of me is no longer soft and fluffy. . .there's a soft tire, and a fluffy gut, but the rest is as hard and boney as a 156 lb woman going on 130 pounds can be.
Five days ago I went on a short 1200 calorie binge that threw me for a loop.
Today, I feel like a changed person. I don't know if that will be my last binge, or not. What I do know is that it wasn't the binge that threw me for the loop - it was the anxiety, anger, and frustrations that I had been experiencing for the previous two weeks, that had nothing to do with my weight, that threw me for the loop that ended with me going an the binge.
Now. How do I experience anxiety, anger, and frustration without being thrown for a loop that ends with a binge?
If it's only a 1200 calorie binge, is that ok?
Maybe I'll figure it out after I get the taxes done.
Fiddlety--dee. Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, February 08, 2014
I fell in love with the cottonwood and JR almost simultaneously. The two years we spent together ended rather abruptly, and very painfully. I Still miss the cottonwood, but there are others and I am still in love with them all - JR -- not so much.
It took me years to become obese, and it's taking me years to become not.
As well as becoming not, I'm becoming better. Why this is coming to me so late in life, I'll never know, but I am confident that it will. Fortunately for me, that wrenching experience with JR didn't destroy my faith in myself. Life has thrown me many a curveball over the years, but it's taken me way too long to be the me that I am.
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