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Remembering what I never had

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What was it? Was I not able? I was willing. Was I not good enough? Was I too screwed up? Or was it that I just partied too much, too violently? Was it my fault? I’m sorry. I would have done my best. I would have been my best. I would have done whatever I had to do. I still would…if I could. I miss you. I wonder what you would look like. What color would your eyes would be. Would you be active and sporty or artsy or a brain. What color would your hair be? How tall would you be now? What toys or cartoons would you like? I miss you. I wish I got a chance to meet you. I'm so sorry.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZRIE014 7/23/2014 12:38AM

  have a good day!!!

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continuing on VS starting over

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

I have been a member of sparkpeople for some time now and I feel like I have began, quit and started over way too many times. I will start do well for a while and then fizzle out and stop, get frustrated with myself and start over again and again. My weight is on a roller coaster and frankly I want off.
Every time I start over it's troubling to me to have to go over to my start weight and change that number to a even higher one. I want to finally for once and all begin and continue until...until I reach my goal, until I have fully got in the habit of being dedicated to being healthy and fit. And then I want to continue on and be dedicated to maintaining my healthy body.
I have a habit (like many do) of trying to find a quick fix. I read about new and improved diets and exercise programs and get energized at the thought of doing them, doing them well and getting the body that I want. I order product after product and try diet after diet. Most of the time I find that the diet restrictions are just too daunting to stay with and the amazing exercise programs are either too hard, cause me pain and discomfort or I frankly just hate doing them. In the end I feel defeated and like that it just isn't worth it. Starting over is getting me down and chipping away at my motivation and energy.
So what's a girl to do? Well I am not going to quit and I am not going to keep starting over and over again. What I am going to do is to take a step back, take my inventory and change the way I am looking at my situation. I am not starting over I am continuing and doing all I can to get my motivation back.
Instead of seeing this as a do over or starting a new I will change my view point and see it for what it really is.
Starting over implies that you are again at the point that you were when you first started. Well that just isn't accurate. My weight may be at that fact my weight is more than that point, but my knowledge is beyond, my insight is beyond. I have lost weight before and regained it :( so I clearly know that I can lose it again. I have gained much more wisdom over the years when it comes to weight loss and health so that isn't starting over.
I know it sounds kind of silly of me to get so caught up in the wording and I'm sure one day it won't matter, but for today it does. So this is me continuing on to a healthier, fitter, more secure and thinner me. I will not allow the number on my scale to defeat me nor will I allow any negative self talk get me down. I can do this and I will do this!
I have the knowledge and am continuing to educate myself, I have the ability, I have the determination, I have the fight in me and thanks to I have the tools and because of all the wonderful people on here I also have the support.
So .....
Today I am continuing on my journey and I thank and all the wonderful spark people for being here for me on this journey. I truly hope I can one day be an inspiration for others.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONLIT 3/5/2014 7:17PM

    Thank you for your comment. I added you as a friend...I could use all the support I can find emoticon
I know we can succeed, we just have to keep reminding ourselves of this.


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BRII_MARTINA 3/5/2014 6:07PM

    Love this blog! I am in the same boat as you!! :)
I'll take your advise and try and re assess the situation from a different angle!

Hope everything will pan out your way, if you need support then add me as a friend I'm always online :)

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today I went to build a bear!!!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

March 14, 2013,
March 13, 2009 I went into the hospital and found out that my unborn baby (13 weeks) did not have a heart beat. That day was hell in so many ways and I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
So today is March 13th and I wanted to make it as happy as possible. My day started off not so good...had to wake up early (I'm so not a morning person) then had to go to the doctors and this doctor was (how do I say this nicely) umm a bitch (yes that was nice). So when my 15 year old daughter came home I finished up my work and took her with me to build a bear and picked out a bear skin and filled it. I went through the whole thing they do with the kids too...picking out the heart...rubbing it to make it warm, placing it on my heart and making a wish and then kissing it and placing it into my bear!! And then I took my bear and hugged it to see if it was stuffed just right and then brought it over to the bath area and brushed and put it under the air to fluff it and then I went and named my bear. We had fun...we giggled all the way home.
So I decided each and every March 13th I am going to do something silly...publicly silly so others can giggle too. I'm thinking for next year we should find one of those pottery places and tell them that I want to make foot prints and then whip out my bear and print his feet. Maybe the next year we can go to one of those little cart things in the middle of the mall that draw people and have them draw my bear. I need to give myself laughs on this day so then I can let go and cry and get it out and then tomorrow I can laugh again.
Angel Jude I miss you and I love you. I wish…I so wish things were different…I wish you were here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILLOWSONG38 5/7/2014 7:20PM

    What a special and beautiful way to honor your angel !

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CDCSMITH2013 3/14/2013 6:35AM

    I think that is a great idea and a wonderful way to remember.

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KIMBERLY19732 3/14/2013 1:17AM


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Questions, questions and more questions

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I was watching a video yesterday about a woman that once weighed over 400 lbs. She started going to online groups and message boards and proceeded to lose 300 lbs over a 3 year period. She has figured out that many people feel that if only they lost (fill in the amount) of weight then their life would be better and they could be happy. What she found along her journey is this is not true. In fact it is in the complete opposite that truth is found. The first step is to feel happy in ones life. That reaching out and doing something to help someone else purely to help them in itself helps you. That once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, once you start feeling satisfied and full the unwanted pounds begin to come off.
This really made me think. I mean she lost 300 lbs in 3 years! That is 100 lbs lost in a year, over 8 lbs a month, 2 lbs a week. When you break it down it doesn't seem like it should be all that difficult to do. So why am I struggling with losing 40 lbs? Why haven't I figured out yet how to reach my goal? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I not want it enough? Am I not happy enough? Is it that I am not putting helping of others before trying to fix myself? Is it that I am trying to fix myself instead of loving who and what I am? Or is it that I am just over thinking and making all this more complicated then it has to be? Am I lazy or unmotivated? And how do I change my thinking so I can be a better me? How I find the time in my busy life to figure out how to help other people? Where do I start and what is really keeping me from starting?
With all the information that is available about health and weight loss why is there still so many people struggling to lose weight? Are we suffering from information overload or is the information that we are finding just plain wrong or misleading? And what’s a girl suppose to do with all of these questions?
Questions, questions and more questions where do we find the answers?
All and any thoughts are welcomed and I thank you in advance for taking the time out of your busy life to read my thoughts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONLIT 7/8/2011 12:23PM

    Thank you I think you are right I do have a habit of over thinking things and making it all that much more complicated. Plus yes I was feeling very frustrated when I wrote this. Thanks again for your input.


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YOU_CALIBAN 7/7/2011 6:37PM

    Perhaps making it more complicated than it is. You sound frustrated, so perhaps you're searching for explanations and deeper meaning--which might not exist in the first place.

I guess it can help to ask, "Why am I here in the first place? And why don't I want to be here?" Those might be the two most important questions I asked myself regarding my health. To understand causation helps us remedy those things that cause dissatisfaction in our own lives.

But I think all that introspection often interferes with the legwork that change ultimately requires. Words like "lifestyle" are lofty, but really it's just a string of actions that define how we live. Too much thinking can prevent us from identifying and then eliminating whatever actions are defining our lifestyle in an undesirable way.

Anyway, don't be too dismayed and keep your eyes on the short term so that you can stay focused.

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