NARNIAROSE2003   35,758
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NARNIAROSE2003's Recent Blog Entries

Struggling....with fears...

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I still struggle with talking about things completely honestly, without fear. I still don't fully know why. This week has been difficult since the back injury. I need to get back on track again - and I KNOW I WILL. So I'm not afraid of that. I need to talk to my boyfriend about some feelings/thoughts (most of which are probably COMPLETELY unfounded and come from that stupid VOICE that never shuts up) but I'm afraid to. I don't think he'll understand, or he'll SEE ME - and then he'll want to go away. I wrote this last year when I had broken up with him because we were getting so close. I think it expresses my fears well - on both sides. Fear that I will NEVER be loved - and Fear that I WILL be loved, but will never be able to accept it.

THIS CAGED BIRD

We connected
We were one
You thought love
Had begun
We had laughter
We had tears
You thought I
Had conquered fears, but…

CHORUS: I was never really there
Even though you held me tight
Even though your lips were on my skin
And you felt me at night

I could never give my heart
It’s there behind that door
This caged bird sings alone
Forevermore…

I did love you
I did long
We made love
And we were one.
You received it
You were strong
You thought I
To you belonged, but…

CHORUS: I was never really there
Even though you held me tight
Even though your lips were on my skin
And you felt me at night

I could never give my heart
It’s there behind that door
This caged bird sings alone
Forevermore…

BRIDGE: Soaring song rises up
The baby bird is broken
Safely in the cage she lives
True words are never spoken….

You did find me
You did try
You did love
And told me why.
I did open
Up the door
I thought I
Was ready to soar, but…


CHORUS: I was never really there
Even though you held me tight
Even though your lips were on my skin
And you felt me at night

I could never give my heart
It’s there behind that door
This caged bird sings alone
Forevermore…

Tracey T. Duncan
3/6/2013

I think sometimes I go back into the cage...in fact, I know I do. I have learned with Gary if I say, "Can I talk to you?" even if I'm not ready, he will make SURE that we sit down and talk. It helps me to break through those bars that keep from trusting him. I'm going to do that - today. I'm so scared, but I can't stand carrying things around inside. It's not healthy and it's not right and it's not fair to him either. He is totally devoted - and I have to believe that, or we can't be what we need to be.

Still here...and still ME...but that's OK, right?

I (hope I) GOT THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LULUBELLE65 1/30/2014 4:30PM

    You got this. You really do. emoticon

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_BABE_ 1/30/2014 3:42PM

    I understand you completely!

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I am a BABE and single...duh ...you do the math! I hope you are laughing cause I am kidding...kinda!

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I don't know this guy but he seems like a keeper from what you have said...hey anyone who wants to try again after you kicked him to the curb must see something in what the two of you have....so trust that he will understand.

If you find a way to shut up that voice in your head that doesn't want anything good for you, let me know....YOU got this!

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KING_SLAYER 1/30/2014 3:32PM

    I feel ya on this one. I too am inside a cage, or rather a padded cell with only a tiny plexiglass window. Honestly, Spark is the only place where I allow myself to open up a little bit.

I agree with KELLFIRE, what you imagine is often worse than what the reality is. I'm sure that things will go smoothly for you.

One tactic to employ when breaking "bad news" to someone; start off by telling them that you have something devastating to tell them, have them sit down and let them see how upset you are. Then when you tell them what you have to say, and they realize that it's really not that big of a deal, they will feel relieved. I stumbled onto this accidentally when I was younger... I had to confess something to my dad, it was financial in nature and I was going crazy with it. I was so distraught that he thought I had gotten someone pregnant or something worse! It made the real news pale in comparison.

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KELLFIRE 1/30/2014 12:08PM

    *gentle hugs* You got this! And I understand your post well, I fight my fears and desires to 'run away' as well! You are doing all the right things! (and don't forget the imagination is most often worse than the reality!) emoticon

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"Progress Over Perfection"

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Once again, a beautiful Sparkfriend (Hi, _Babe_!) has inspired a blog. Her title on her page is "Progress Over Perfection" and means (if I interpret it correctly) that we are on a JOURNEY and that each day is about making progress towards our goals. I fully support that. I can even support with SCRIPTURE. (Okay - someone help that Sparkfriend off the floor and give them a drink of water.) Yes, I said SCRIPTURE. I have a degree in Religious Education and I was a minister in the Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches over about a 20 year span. I had some epiphanies over time that led me to different practice of my faith, but I am wholly about God (in whatever form you understand Him/Her/It). Anywho, back to the lesson at hand....

Matthew 5:48 says, "Be ye therefore perfect, as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." Now, that's a verse that has inspired faithful followers to achieve more; and it has caused others to give up - after all, who will EVER be perfect? Depends on the delivery of the information and how it is interpreted on any given Sunday. Well, I'm going to give you my two cents about it. If you go back to the original Greek (in which the text began) the word for PERFECT is "tamim." One translation is “whole, sound, healthful” and another is “having integrity." Still another issue about translation of ancient texts is grammar and tense. This word is PROGRESSIVE...and another translation is "be ye PERFECTING." That would be, yes... PROGRESSING TOWARD PERFECTION. I believe it means WE ARE PERFECT NOW, and WE ARE PROGRESSING TOWARD EVEN MORE PERFECTION. A perfect Creator would not create that which is flawed. There is no logic in that. In other words, "God don't make no junk." And to make it even more plain - YOU ARE ALREADY PERFECT, NOW ACT LIKE IT. That means that you already have all you need to succeed. You cannot fail. Just LIVE and LIVE WELL. Get it?



I GOT THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISA579 1/25/2014 6:32PM

    What a great verse. thanks yes she is a very inspiring sparker

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_BABE_ 1/25/2014 3:52PM

    As your muse emoticon I think you are purty smart too! emoticon

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CCNP07 1/25/2014 8:40AM

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Struggling with Depression...

Friday, January 24, 2014

Not like I used to. Things are easier because I have someone in my life that loves me and cares SO MUCH about my happiness. It's such a wonderful thing. But I still feel it sometimes - that "just under the skin" feeling of emotions, sadness, wanting to cry - something only folks that really have clinical depression (SAD or otherwise) can understand. I can really tell that it's so hard to manage when I'm not exercising. My appt yesterday went well. I think I'm getting better everyday - the worst thing now is just the sciatica in my left hip. Even that is only an occasional ouchie, so I'm optimistic it will be OK soon. The doc agreed that I should wait until after the gig tomorrow night to try to exercise again, just in case. Especially since standing up and moving around for 4 hours during the gig may very well aggravate things. But exercise is truly the best medicine in my arsenal of fighting my occasional depression - ESPECIALLY during winter! I hate cold, I hate dismal days - I NEED MY SUNSHINE.

In the meantime, however, I have the Sunshine of my Gary; the sunshine of furbabies that want to snuggle; the sunshine of my friends and family; the sunshine of my Sparkfriends!; the sunshine of my music; and the sunshine in my heart. I can work with that!



I GOT THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KING_SLAYER 1/24/2014 6:26PM

    I know first hand the dealing with sciatica can put you in a funk. It can make everything so difficult to do that you just don't want to do anything! I hope you're feeling better real soon and that you don't aggravate the condition Saturday.

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_BABE_ 1/24/2014 5:52PM

    I feel the same way because some days without rhyme or reason you are hit with a funk and it's got no particular source and yet all you can think of is every terrible circumstance that ever happened.

Definitely less when I omit sugar because it makes me very moody!

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AEROBISAURUS 1/24/2014 3:58PM

    emoticon You'll be okay and you'll bounce back before you know it. Keep counting the positives and celebrating the nsv's!!

Exercise is your best weapon to guard against anxiety and depression .... emoticon emoticon

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KELLFIRE 1/24/2014 3:13PM

    Have you tried a lightbox?

I have one but haven't gotten around to using it. I know my current depression is more situational than seasonal, but I also know i am strongly effected by sunlight.

For years I used a tanning bed through the winter to feel better. Sadly there is just too much evidence of the dangers of this but I miss it, almost as much as I miss smoking!

*hugs* You are an inspiration and I will always associate "you got this" with you - so remember - "you got this" (you can overcome it!)

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LULUBELLE65 1/24/2014 9:55AM

    Ugh, I know what you're going through. There are days when every emotion seems right on the edge, particularly when you cannot exercise. Do you do light therapy? When I lived where it got dark early in the winter, a doctor recommended a light box, which I was able to get at Costco for about 100 dollars. It made a huge difference in how I felt in the winter.

xoxoxo

lauren

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BREEZYBOCCA1 1/24/2014 9:35AM

    This is a very lovely blog. I feel the same as you as I had been through a lot when I was younger, and now I too feel that I am in my sunshine days. You are an inspiration and a very nice lady.

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To the Chiro We Go...

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Second chiro appt today. Much improved, but still not totally healed. SCARY STUFF. I have a gig on Saturday so I'm going to take it easy until then. I don't want to miss! I will be glad, though, to be back on my regular routine. Too easy to feel sorry for myself and get tempted to eat badly. Don't like that!

I GOT THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KING_SLAYER 1/23/2014 3:39PM

    Definitely take it easy. Hopefully a few days of doing nothing will allow you to be yourself on Saturday. Just in case, I suggest taking a Vicodin half hour before getting on stage! A little pre-emptive strike on the possible pain.

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_BABE_ 1/23/2014 2:21PM

    Is it your back? Well you probably know the drill? Ice...walk a little cause laying around is not good...or is it? See where are the old wives tales when you need them??

Feel better! emoticon

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ADARKARA 1/23/2014 11:03AM

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CHEAT DAY - The Worst Bill of Goods You'll Ever Sell Yourself!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I wrote this in response to one of my beautiful Sparkfriends blog and decided I needed to hear it myself, so now it's my blog today:

I am going to give you my two cents on the whole "cheat day" philosophy. IT STINKS. I think it totally underscores that whole misconception we have had our entire lives that FOOD IS COMFORT, FOOD IS A REWARD, FOOD LOVES ME - BULL SH%T. FOOD IS FUEL. PERIOD. On my start page, I have that as one of my Goal Motivators - FOOD IS FUEL. If I want my motor to run well, I put in high octane. If I use the cheap stuff, I don't run well and I feel like crap. FOOD IS FUEL. You have to say it a lot to retrain your brain. NOW - having said that, it doesn't mean that we NEVER get to eat something that we find yummy. We just have to change the way we VIEW it. Do I want a piece of chocolate? OKAY. Eat the damn thing! Just know the impact that has on your body and adjust accordingly. I think it is SO DANGEROUS to "reward yourself with a cheat day." So does that mean I'm being PUNISHED every other fricking day of my life? I'm not WORTHY of eating like the rest of the world? I only DESERVE something good when I punish myself with healthy food and exercise? I know you see (and probably already know) where I'm going with all this. Hell - I need this reminder, too, so I'm going to copy this as my blog post today. So to recap - YOU IZ KIND, YOU IZ GOOD...no, wait, different movie. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU DESERVE TO TREAT YOUR BODY WITH RESPECT AND KINDNESS WHICH MEANS EATING HEALTHY AND EXERCISING. YOU ARE IN CONTROL SO EATING SOMETHING SWEET OR SALTY AT CERTAIN TIMES IS OK, BECAUSE YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Oh... and the most important thing? YOU GOT THIS.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OKOBOJII 1/28/2014 1:57PM

    I agree completely. For people who are able to have a "cheat day" without their brains converting it to "OMGGOCRAZYYOUCANEATWHATEVERYOUWANT
!!!!" maybe it's okay. For me, though, it's like I give myself permission and then, if I don't fully take advantage of it by eating enough to wipe out my week, I feel like I wasted it.

So, yeah, no cheat days here. Instead, I have weeks where I plan to indulge more on the weekend and simply eat at the low end of my food range and get in a few more minutes of exercise.

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KING_SLAYER 1/22/2014 6:39PM

    I like my free day! Mine has worked out for me for almost 3 years now, but I think I'm special :) I can go an entire day with no food at all or with just a few hundred calories, I've trained my body to ignore the old Pavlovian "clock says it's time to eat" system and I only eat when I am actually hungry. Even then I will drink a glass or two of water first to see if that removes what I'm perceiving as hunger.

My free day consists of a big salad and pizza with a 12 oz pepsi. Some of my favorite things to eat, which I used to consume in large quantities, now I only consume once a week.

Some people can work with free days, other can't. It can definitely be a trap for some people and those people should avoid the free day and allow themselves a little something from their list of no-no's every once in a while to make sure they don't go off the rails!



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_BABE_ 1/22/2014 2:38PM

    Ding! I learned my lesson with the whole cheat day philosophy. However, your step by step guide to how it's fools your mind into thinking food is punishment and reward is priceless. I don't want to continue on with my screwed up relationship with food because sugar/fat/salt combinations while momentarily taste good for the most part give me a hangover...which I only realized after eating clean and feeling good! Great blog and thank you!
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LULUBELLE65 1/22/2014 12:16PM

    I am all about reframing how we look at food. Food is neither good nor bad. It's food. Some foods are foods that are devoid of a lot of nutritional value, and those are foods that we should not eat often, but the food itself has no moral value.

I am all about "treat days" which are not "cheat days" because I have planned for them. If I know that I am going out for dinner and I want to have a couple glasses of wine or something else that I don't really have the calories to indulge in, I'll lower my intake for a couple of days beforehand and borrow those calories for my dinner out.

I cannot live by the "food is fuel" mantra, although I totally understand why some people do. For me cooking is a creative process, and how I relax. For me to view food as fuel would be akin to me viewing sex as a good workout. Yes it is, but there is a whole lot more going on.

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ADARKARA 1/22/2014 10:51AM

    emoticon

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SOSIREGIME 1/22/2014 10:46AM

    I'm printing this out and putting it on my fridge! emoticon

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