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Saturday, July 19, 2014

When you start out weighing almost 400 pounds ( hard to say ) you dont think of numbers you just think move more eat less. But I had done that before and this time was going to be the hardest since I was going it alone. Succeed or fail it is all on me. I didnt want to have excuses to fail. I didnt want someone to guilt me into something I didnt want to do what I had always done I wanted to be accountable to me. Self accountability is crucial for me for I am the only person that can handle me. I am also the only person that is not scared of me or imitated enough to lie to me. I dont cut myself slack.

For me there has to be complete honesty candid honesty with myself. I don't subscribe to self talk, believe me if people catch me talking to myself in my present state of mind there is a padded room in my future lol. However, at nearly 400 pounds there was plenty of self thoughts going on. When you set out to do the unthinkable it is the most horrifying feeling. You wake up everyday scared to death that you will fail but you wake up everyday also scared that you will succeed. Loosing massive amounts of weight is a mind game. First you hyped up you lost 50 pounds then at 90 pounds you realize that you are changing stripping away things that you are not sure you can live without. At 100 pounds gone I wanted to crawl up in a corner somewhere and hide.

There is a lot of confidence building that goes alone with what i do. Cause lets just be honest most people couldnt withstand it. It is hard to get up everyday and live a life that you have designed to push you to your limits in hopes of finding what you have never been able to accomplish. It is hard to step on the scale every week and let it tell you a number that is not suppose to matter but it does. It is hard to be up beat and positive everyday to people that dont know you in the hopes of giving them enough to change their life. It is hard once a month taking the measurements and saying job well done when you give all you got then 10 % more to loose 2 inches. But nothing is ever hard as being morbidly obese was. Nothing is ever hard as stepping out of bed wondering if my feet were going to hold my out control body one more day.

So why do this for the sheer pleasure in some numbers. To know what the feeling of true strength is all about. To know that I am smart enough to make the decisions that will inevitably save my life. For the sheer enjoyment of flipping my nose at those people who never thought i could. For moments like this morning.

While doing some cleaning I found I slip from my gym where we checked my BMI on 4/18/14 which was 42.1 . When i started this all most 3 years ago my bmi was 54. Today i calculated it again 39.2. This takes me out of morbidly obesity and i am just obese . That means nothing to some to most but for me it means that my heart is not caring as much as use to. It means that my feet are not caring as much as the use to. It means that I am doing what no one thought i could. It means that I am heading to the right direction even if the scale doesnt always say that. What it should mean to the rest of the world is despite pain, injuries and doubt you can do it. You just have to want it everyday as much as you wanted it the first day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 7/21/2014 2:34PM

    You are an amazing woman, D. Keep up the fight.

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MICKEYH 7/20/2014 12:11AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POPSY190 7/19/2014 3:33PM

    Lasting progress! emoticon

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HAZELFRUIT 7/19/2014 2:39PM

    Congratulations! You are a fierce self-competitor :)

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WIZKEY 7/19/2014 2:08PM

    So proud of you!!! You are my rock star and emoticon

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POSITIVEHOPE 7/19/2014 1:22PM

    Loved this blog. I will be reading and rereading it many times. Yes, this journey is hard. Each and every day it is hard. I loved when you said, "I give it my all each and every day and then I give it 10% more." Nothing is as hard as my life before the journey so at the end of the day. I need to keep reminding myself that today was easier than my life before. That is what really makes this journey worth it.

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SUSANSLIFE 7/19/2014 10:23AM

Wow! How far you have come on all different measures! BMI is wonderful, pounds are wonderful, inches are wonderful, yoiur MINDSET is POWERFULLY wonderful! You have come so far, and changing your mindset to this very strong and consistent "I am doing this for ME" is absolutely fabulous! You are definitely inspiring many people, including me!

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KANOE10 7/19/2014 9:00AM

    That is a great accomplishment to move down a category on the BMI. That is something to celebrate. Like you say you are heading in the right direction.
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The scale can be frustrating but eventually all of your efforts will pay off. You are on your way. You are also doing a good job of staying positive and being honest with yourself.

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RAPUNZEL53 7/19/2014 8:19AM


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Running Tab

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

I have been up reading for a while now, the product of to much on my mind. I woke exhausted and I am sure that is not going to change during the day either. Since the only place in this house where I want wake anyone is at my desk this is where i am.

So I was reading through blogs and thinking of a conversation I had with someone about drinking. I don't drink for various reasons: first and foremost is my husband is an alcoholic that there zaps all the fun out of the occasional drink. However not far behind that is the calories in alcohol. I dont have the luxury of not worrying about that. So a friend asked me the other day How do i handle these things like drinking or eating out. It is a simple process really .

I am always worrying with money. I want the most for my buck so i do the same with my calorie count. I am suppose to eat 1500 calories a day give or take depending on the fitness for the day. So I start the day off with $ 15 and through the course of the day I deduct off that $ 15 .

2.70 breakfast = 12.3

1.00 snack = 11.30

3.40 lunch = 8.10

and so on ... it is a running tab that i monitor pretty closely not only so I dont go over but because as most of you know I have a hard time eating when I am stressed and i want to exercise more so I really have to make sure that I get in enough calories but also that they are the right kind of calories. I work hard for my real money and my fitness / nutrition money and I dont want to gamble it all away on the pretense that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I want the most of it today. Holidays are the same way. They come and go and there is always a tomorrow to deal with so why feel guilty when you can just do the right program to start with.

I dont know all the right answers I just know that in life the choice is mine and as long as it is mine I will make the best choice that I can .

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERESA159 7/16/2014 2:17PM

    You are one smart cookie and that is a really cute system you use for your calories!
Alcohol is something I've struggled with over and over. I know it's what gets in my way of good health. I do know it. But my husband and I have a hard time saying NO to a party of any sort. Recently, I've done pretty well at not drinking at all. I'll have a club soda with a lime or orange slice or a splash of cranberry juice (this one fools people into thinking you're having cocktails right along with them). I'm doing better but I cannot say I'm done with it yet. You seem to have it tackled and WOOHOO for you for that!!
Keep working towards the good life. (And blog more, wouldya?)

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SUSANSLIFE 7/9/2014 9:28PM

    That is an ingenious system to keep a running tab of calories in your head as you go through each day. That may be a very big reason how you stay on track NewTink has NewThink. Thanks for sharing.

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POPSY190 7/9/2014 4:17PM

    I'm interested in transferring knowledge and experience from one area of life to another and this is a brilliant example of that. Great blog! emoticon

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WHYNOTJ1 7/9/2014 8:19AM

    You are a great role model!

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KANOE10 7/9/2014 8:14AM

    It seems like you have a good system to keep track of your calories. I agree with you, if I am going to eat something, I want it to be worthwhile and healthy. Good for you staying focused on a positive healthy life.

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Independence day

Thursday, July 03, 2014

1776 was the year that America claimed its Independence from all other countries. At the time men fought for our right to be free from tyranny, now men and women fight side by side to ensure that we remain the home of the brave and the land of the free. All those years ago we as a nation drew a line in the sand and said no more. Our country is not perfect ; however, it is still the greatest country in the world and I am very honored and humbled to be able to call myself American.

As a child of a Marine I know what honor is all about. I also know what it is to give your all for an idea, for the belief that you are part of something that is bigger than just yourself. To be an American is a birth right but it is one that is protected on a daily basis. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my country, it is however part of me. That doesnt mean that I agree with everything that is done in America just that I respect the right for all of us to have our own opinions. No matter what the faults of my country are I still believe that I live in the best country in the world.

As we all prepare for tomorrow's celebration of this day, there are those among us that live in fear of our own personal enemies. The enemies that no matter how mighty the American military is they can not battle for us. You know that enemy it is dear aunt Bettie whispering " come on honey you can have a small piece of cake it wont kill you " it is Uncle Sam hovering over the grill slathering on all the rich sauces on the fattest meats he can find all the time laughing while we watch in horror as his big belly moves up and down with each boisterous laugh. It is Grandma Bess who happens to make the best potato salad in town because it is the extra mayo that she puts in it. And dear Grand paw that keeps the beers stocked in the cooler handing them out while telling stories of the good ole days. It is the kids that light up when you hand them an ice cream cone while watching the fire works all the time giggling come on momma or nana eat one with me. No these enemies our Military can not fight for us.

We as life changers as the keepers of our own destiny must hold firm in our resolve and live out the healthiest we can. It is on days like this one when our own lines in the sand will be tested. We will tip toe up to it and look around and see who is watching us. It is the day when I challenge you to let your resolve say no more do what you did yesterday and what you will do tomorrow. Wave your flag proudly and live the program that you know will get you to where you want to be. Do today what will bring you peacefully to your goals not leave you feeling guilty because you crossed those enemy lines into the abyss of bad choices.

I challenge you to be as you always are just be you dont change for the holiday. Live strong Live free Live brave .

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 7/3/2014 11:38PM

    Have a happy 4th!

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MICKEYH 7/3/2014 9:50PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Happy July 4 th!!

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POPSY190 7/3/2014 3:53PM

    emoticon have a wonderful celebration! emoticon Your NZ friend.

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SUSANSLIFE 7/3/2014 3:26PM

    Wonderful blog -- very inspiring! It's an interesting thought that as we honor our forefathers and our military who established our nation and keep us free, we also need to honor ourselves by making healthy choices. It is only in a free and economically strong country that we have the opportunity to make UNhealthy choices, but I see it now as a dishonor to those who have fought to keep our country free, when we do not keep ourselves healthy to enjoy and serve our country in our own way. Happy Fourth!
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SIRIUS2014 7/3/2014 3:19PM

    Have a wonderful 4th emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_MOBII_ 7/3/2014 8:40AM

    What a wonderful blog!

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KANOE10 7/3/2014 7:55AM

    That was an inspiring blog. It is the perfect thing to remember on July 4th. We should not only honor our country and its soldiers, but we should honor ourselves and eat healthy.

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Comment edited on: 7/3/2014 8:13:59 AM

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WHYNOTJ1 7/3/2014 7:40AM

    Thank you for sharing these good thoughts!

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Just catch up !!!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

So here we are three days before my 44th birthday and I am still not at goal weight still a long way off as a matter of fact. But you know what in the grand scheme of things that doesnt even matte. In the past year I have had injuries, anxiety attacks, depression, stress induced Eczema, Went to a very scary place emotionally; however, I never gave up on me. When faced with each issue I have taken the steps to correct it and move past it. My life isn't perfect but whose is. I have lots of personal and martial problems that I deal with, I promise there are some days when I think to myself just have that ice cream it will make it better but I dont't because it wont make it better in my world. I started seeing a counselor to which that helped somewhat. That act alone gave me the courage to seriously look for employment and although I have now completed my first week and no I wont be a millionaire any time soon I feel much better about me. I feel like I am taking some control back in my life. Life isnt about money it is about self respect something that even though I had some in my life I was lacking in other places of life also.

In the past few months I have gained and lost weight. When you live the emotional roller coaster that I do then things have to be a little different. I weigh myself but I can not nor will I beat myself up for any gain. I know generally why I gained and all I can do is make the corrections and hope for the best. I like me for the most part of course there are areas where I know that I need improvements and I strive for that everyday but sometimes your body just has a mind of its own. When I get in my car and have to move my seat forward that is something special. When my grandsons can reach around me to give me hug then I have done something right. When I slip on my workout clothes and feel empowered the you bet i take that extra look in the mirror. When I go out for my walk and someone whistles then yes i blush but I smile also because I have earned every one of the NSV I get. I have worked past the pain. I have sweated with the tears and i pushed when I know good and well in the past I would have given up. I will get to my goal weight when I find the consistency that is required of life to get there but I will never go back to where I was.

Yesterday I read a blog from the 5% casual travelers team it was KALISWALKER'S blog doing the math

So I decided to do the math with her and it is as follows :
The challenge is an eight week challenge running 6/21 to 8/16
my starting weight 272.6
pounds to loose 13.63
Goal weight 258.97

To do this :
13.63 pounds/8 weeks =1.7 weight loss a week
1.7 pounds x 3500 calories in a pound = 5950 calorie deficit weekly
5950 calorie deficit weekly / 7 days = 850 daily calorie deficit

sounds like a lot but it really isnt i just have to be careful of evening munching. I burn off more than that on a regular basis. I will follow a 1400 calorie a day plan with a 40/40/20 split.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 7/3/2014 11:38PM

    You are strong and wonderful! Keep up the awesome work.

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WHYNOTJ1 6/25/2014 3:49PM

    Please keep treating yourself kindly. Sending hugs your way!

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_MOBII_ 6/23/2014 12:55PM

    You ARE fabulous! Great blog!

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PATTYKLAVER 6/23/2014 8:46AM

    You have come a long way this past year. I'm glad for you. I hope that your journey continues to get easier for you.

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SUSANSLIFE 6/22/2014 11:14PM

    Every day, we re-learn these lessons and it is painful. But it's less painful than throwing in the towel and giving up. That really hurts!

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MRSBETH99 6/22/2014 9:21PM

    I agree with Penny...the last picture says it all. :)

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POPSY190 6/22/2014 6:19PM

    The final picture says it all! emoticon

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4KWALK 6/22/2014 5:56PM

    We will probably always have the struggle but we know we are winners as long as we don't quit.
Stay strong or should I say "show yourself how strong you really are."

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    We don't always reach our goals when we expect to, but you are on the right track. Keep up the good work --- one step at a time --- you will reach your goal! emoticon

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A new start

Sunday, June 15, 2014

In the past few months a lot of things have happened. I have to tell you that most of it has not been good. I have been mentally strained and emotionally bankrupt. I have been trying to fix me So now I will share something with you.

As most know I started seeing a counselor and i said that was to fix me. However, I have come to realize that there is really nothing wrong with me. I lacked immediate support in my home life so I started seeing him just to have someone tell me I could go forward. I knew all along the steps I needed to take to save me but I really needed someone to reassure me that I was at least normal in my needs wants and fears. In essence I am paying him to hold my hand in an objective way. I need someone to tell me what i already know that I am strong and capable. Why you ask ? well because I did the one thing that no one should ever do ... I gave up my meaning purpose and hope for the ones i love. I trusted that they would guard it and take care of it. that they would keep me safe and cherish it as i do them. However, I now know this was a flawed concept. Choices were made and overtime I became broken. Someone decided that it was better to control and break me down. It was easier to play with my emotions and keep me edge. Well now I am making the choice end that for them.

Tomorrow morning I go do the paper work for a new job. It isnt a fancy job and it is only part time. But it is the first step in taking back my life. In all that they thought they forgot that I will only take so much and i will push back. I am strong stronger than they remember. I need to engage myself into the world. I need to see people the good and bad. I need to remind myself that I dont have to live in fear or with disrespect.

So this week I will start that process. It will not be easy but I promise it will be no harder than what I have already endured. But I will do this just like I have learned to loose the weight with patience and one step at a time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 7/3/2014 11:35PM

    Sounds like you are taking good solid steps. You can do this!

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OHANAMAMA 6/18/2014 12:28PM

    This is one of the first steps in the journey to fix yourself. :) You can do it! You got this! Love yourself through it all.

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JAZZYMOM53 6/17/2014 10:10AM

    Darlene, you can do this, you are doing this emoticon You have been through so much. Good luck in your new job. You are so strong.

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WIZKEY 6/17/2014 1:08AM

    Congratulations on your new job!!! emoticon It is a brave step and you are a brave woman!!

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HAZELFRUIT 6/16/2014 2:14PM

    Congratulations! Awesome that you are taking this step.

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WHYNOTJ1 6/16/2014 1:58PM

    Newtink, you deserve a wonderful life, filled with joy and beauty and abundant good things. You get a do-over starting right now (and any time you need one).

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_MOBII_ 6/16/2014 10:53AM

    The first step is always the hardest is the old saying...but I think the first step is just a bit easier than the one just before it. The realization of what needs to be fixed and making the decision to fix it is the real hard part.
You are past that part and now you are on your way!

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MICKEYH 6/16/2014 4:23AM

    Best wishes and good luck on your getting new job. emoticon

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SUSANSLIFE 6/15/2014 4:18PM

    Your mind is in a very good place and that is a perequisite for success. Best wishes staring the new job!

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SIRIUS2014 6/15/2014 10:29AM

    Good for you. Hope you have a wonderful 8 weeks. Shirley

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KANOE10 6/15/2014 8:35AM

    Those are important discoveries. You are taking steps so that you do not live in fear or with disrespect. Good for you applying for that job. One step at a time to take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy my friend.
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WDIPIM 6/15/2014 8:24AM

  You can do it! Bless you!

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