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A humbling year

Monday, December 22, 2014

In the grand scheme of things I dont believe my life is much worst than others. However having said that I really need 2014 to end.. Everything has seemed to be compounded here at the end. Money issues , marital issues, car troubles more work hours and the loss of a special friend who I depended on more than I thought. But the year keeps giving and I have now woke up with the onset to a cold or something. It is hard to breath and the coughing and sneezing will drive you insane but I am not going into that.

For me this year Christmas is very humbling. It is not like other years. I have done very little shopping since money is just available for that. i have done no baking or candy making and I am not sure there will be any either. I have diligently tried to remember that Christmas is not about all those things however it isnt till you cant do that that it becomes important. I am sure that my emotions are just exasperated by the depression i have been battling. It has made me look back over the years at Christmas .

Last week at my therapy session Jeff asked me what is love ? i smiled when I couldnt put into words what love is . I dont believe in the love that causes you butterflies in your tummy or makes you all giggly. I dont believe that it is all consuming and i believe there are different kinds of love . love is an acceptance it is a giving it is safety against the world that is cold and harsh. love embodies the good and the bad in people. Christmas is love. it isnt about the presents we give or the cooking we do. You cant cook me a meal or give me a present that will ever top the one i recieved 24 years ago this Christmas.

His name is Christopher. He is my oldest son. Born on Christmas morning 24 years ago. He was perfect in every way. After a very hard pregnancy he was finally here. They played silent night over the intercom of the hospital to signify that the first baby had been born. Now I wont lie to you Chrisser has taught me the many sides of love. But he has also taught me that if you have the will to fight then you can come back from anything. Chrisser spent a few years away from home when he was a teenager but as a young adult he found his way back to me. And in many ways he is probably my best friend these days.

I was blessed to have two wonderful sons that yes took me to places no parent should have to go to but they have also showed me so much more in life and gave me strength. It is funny when talking to them about christmas this year since i can do so little for them they both assured me that there was no need to do anything for them. My youngest son told me " mom i am not 10 any more I know that the word no does exist ." After my recent health issues and the boys have been so worried They told me all they want is for me to stop stressing over stuff and try and find some peace.

It is a humbling day when you realize that your children have grown so much and that maybe you didnt do such a bad job with them after all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WIZKEY 12/22/2014 2:00PM

    emoticon on being the mama of two fine young men!! That is something to be very proud of as well as holding yourself together through 2014 and learning how to take better care of yourself. You are still my rockstar and I pray that 2015 gives you everything you deserve and more!!

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WHYNOTJ1 12/22/2014 8:07AM

    D, I'm glad you've got such a wonderful Christmas memory to celebrate, and two sons who love you and want you to get better.

When I can't celebrate the way I'd like to, I try to brainstorm a few elements of things that I can do that feel like the holiday to me.

I don't know if you are able to stream this from the internet, but maybe you and I can both listen to a live broadcast of Boston Pops holiday concert tonight, 8pm Eastern Time, by WGBH/WCRB radio. Here is the URL. http://www.wgbh.org/995/bso.cfm


I don't have a favorite holiday movie, but perhaps you do?

I think you should make a list of the 2014 bad stuff, so that you can burn that list on New Year's eve! emoticon 2015 is going to be so much better!

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possibly an answer

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I started out this year with a serious skin issue. They called it stress induced eczema, As the year went on several things were added here . I became increasingly moody and depressed, Stomach issues and I have had a headache for most of the year. I stopped going to see my doctor because I honesty believe that she was convinced i was a hypochondriac. All I knew is i never feel good. My body is tired all the time Everything has been a will to do. The doctor said stress, remove stress. Outside of going to live on a mountain isolated from the world of which I know I am not sure how one lives without stress. Sure there are things I can do to keep stress down and believe me I do them without fail. But it is the holiday season and there is lots of stress for me right now so living without stress well if you walked in my shoes you would know that is not possible right now.

A couple of months back I went to the doctor with my stomach pain. She thought it was the gallbladder but when that test came back negative I was told if the pain persists they they might have to send me to a specialist. I became increasingly agitated with the use of the words if and might. Meaning they had no plan to help cure the pain that I was feeling. So i took it upon myself to go see a stomach specialist. They performed and upper scope of my stomach and a colostomy. This past week I went for the results.

In my colon they found diverticolotis and they removed 5 polyps. Two of the polyps were nothing to be concerned with but 3 of them contained cancer cells. I was assured that I am alright but that I must have the procedure done every year now since the cells were present and my mother died of colon cancer.

They also found that my small intestine was inflamed and it appeared it had been for sometime. I had a blood test on this Wed. to confirm if I have Celiac Disease. Celiac is an autoimmune disease where you body fights gluten like it is harmful. If you go to the section a-z here on spark people and look it up. I have all but three of the symptoms. As I sat and read it I started crying because finally there might be an answer to all this. My diet doesnt contain a lot gluten since i changed my eating habits but it does contain it. I am not looking forward to figuring out how to remove what gluten I do have but i will if it would make me feel better .

The one thing I have learned through the effort to change my life is that I have to listen to my body. I know my body and when it is not clicking on the right way. i have to because if i dont who will. I spent years listening to everyone when they blamed everything on fat. Now I am not skinny but i have been healthy and my body event though still over weight it is fit. When they confirm this I will fire my doctor and find a new family practitioner because I need someone to believe in me and what I am saying to them.

So hopefully going into the new year we will have more answers and perhaps a solution also. And in case the doctors dont know when you dont feel good and well rested then stress is magnified. i don't take medicines for depression, I have fought through it for years but never for the length of time i have now. i know that sounds crazy but i just knew something else had to be going on and who knew it was really my body telling me that something needed to be fixed.

So listen to what your body is telling because if you dont it will get a megaphone and let you know in some very unkind ways that it needs you to.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 12/22/2014 7:49AM

    D, I'm sorry you aren't well, but glad to hear that you are getting closer to finding out what is causing you to be so unwell. Hang in there. Next year is sure to be better!

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GOCALGAL 12/21/2014 7:50AM

    I am glad you finally found some answers. I hope you continue to find more so that you are able to feel better put all of this behind you. emoticon

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LUCYCAN7 12/20/2014 7:51PM

  Oh my that is a very long time.Certainly know how Drs are.glad you found
out what was wrong.You are so right about listening to our bodies.Hope you
will start to feel better soon.There are all kinds of gluten free foods now. emoticon emoticon

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WIZKEY 12/20/2014 2:36PM

    I am so glad you are finding some answers. I hope you can find what works for you so you will start feeling better. emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 12/20/2014 9:00AM

    glad you found some answers and you took care of yourself!

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KANOE10 12/20/2014 8:59AM

    I am glad you finally know how to cure your body. That was a long time to figure it out. There are good substitutes for wheat. I know lots of people who eat gluten free. I hope you start to feel better soon. That was a very good blog.

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RIDLEYRIDER 12/20/2014 7:30AM

  Wow, you have been through a lot. You are right to fire that doctor and find one who will listen. They always say 'stress' when they can't find what is really wrong...my hubby went through that for years.

Let's hope the worst is behind you now and you can move forward. If celiac is the root cause, there are ways to deal with it and you most certainly will begin to feel better.

Keep us posted, and good luck! emoticon

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functional fitness and beyond lol

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

There are things that I fight so very hard for . I have been through a lot in life some of it shared here some of it not. But I try very hard to stay positive. I never want to be one of those tired old angry people.

Yesterday morning while I was at work i waited on someone from way back in my past. She hasnt changed much at all she is still a very angry spiteful woman. I do manage to muster a smile and a thank you and have a good day while keeping all my composure. She hasnt changed but i have.

As I looked at her I reminded myself that I am such good shape yest i am still over weight but there is a difference in being a fit healthy overweight person and that of a fat person. I walk strong and straight. I have definition and toning . And all though there is not a picture on here that will show it i still have hope in my eyes. I lack the desperation that use to be here. Yes my nerves are shot and i have a ton of issues due to stress but as my counselor says about me I am the ultimate survivor .

Even now at the holiday season i have encountered while dealing with the worst depression that i have had in a very long time I still wake up get dressed and walk out my front door with the thought that I am going to make this day this best I can. if you were in my brain you would be like here have the chocolate you deserve it and yes i want to fall into the holiday excuses and worry about it all later but i am not sure if i fell off into excuses and let the program go if i could crawl back out any time soon so I fight that battle everyday.

When I got to work this morning the young man that i was working with looked like he might commit suicide at any given moment. I just hate when they are like that. It makes me nervous probably because i watch to much criminal minds lol but any how. When i get nervous My mind goes to fitness. it is how i have designed it to work . So at one point without realizing what I was doing the guy looks at me and says you are doing squats. slightly embarrassed as i didnt realize that i was. He said you know you actually look like the whole time you are working you are actually doing exercises also.l i said alright busted it is called functional fitness.

I work in a convenience store and am on my feet for the entire shift but it is also a very tempting place to work if you are an emotional eater. So I focus on what I can do to better me rather than what looks good. i dont bend at the waist i do squats . I will purposefully stretch to get something. Unless it is something to heavy for me i dont ask for help . if we are slow I will walk out and around a rather large parking fueling area. I try to make sure that I get my daily step goal in at work then the rest of the day is just gravy on my spark tracker.

It is what is in life I realized this morning how much i really do fight to stay upbeat and positive. I know my blogs dont always show that but sometimes you just have to give it to others so you can feel better. Staying locked up inside doesnt really do anyone any good. So if you are having a hard time like so many this year just try looking around at what you can do make it better even if it is just taking a moment to share with someone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATIEMONKEEY 12/17/2014 12:16PM

    emoticon

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WHYNOTJ1 12/17/2014 12:13PM

    Your post and a quote on facebook just reminded me that I can choose to avoid temptations that are right in front of me.

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WHYNOTJ1 12/17/2014 12:04PM

    You have come a long ways on your journey. Knowing that you can keep going, even on the roughest days, is proof of that! Hugs! emoticon

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BRAINBENTT 12/17/2014 12:04PM

    emoticon

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JEANADOLL77 12/17/2014 11:55AM

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10 Golden rays

Friday, December 12, 2014

It has been a week of trials for me. Everyday has brought something that I have to deal with and with the loss of the most important part of my support system it has not been very good. However this is not about all that. Earlier in the week i was watching a Holiday program , I dont recall the name it was on HallMark . Mostly for noise in an otherwise quiet house. I caught part of a conversation on the screen.

On a boxcar there is a homeless man at dawn with a bright stream of golden sun rays shining through the door as he lifted his hands to the heavens as if catching the rays of light, the other man proclaims what are you doing? the first man says " i am giving my ten golden rays'. Perplexed the explanation followed . His mother had told him that every morning at down to give the 10 things he is thankful for, 10 golden rays to start the day off the right way. I am not sure why this clicked so much with me i guess because i have been so wrapped in worry and anxiety that somewhere inside i need to be thankful. It is Christmas and the season has hit me hard but i am doing the best I can however I need to remember that there are things to be thankful for with no "buts" in them, Life isnt perfect but it can be worst so take time today life me and give ten things to the sun that you are thankful for.

10 Golden rays :
1. I am thankful for SCC even though times are hard right now I know because of him they will be better.
2. I am thankful for my friends who have endured countless hours listening to me and doing all they can to help me through the things that are going on .
3. My son Christopher who without fail always manages to bring a smile to face .
4. i am thankful for the almost 60 years that god gave me with my parents they gave me strength to go the distance.
5. My house as there are so many who wished they could worry over the mortgage of a home.
6. My youngest son Joshua for being a strong man and showing the other side of life.
7. My job it isnt great but I am not standing beside the road asking for money either.
8. Spark people because it keeps on the right track and gives someplace to be accountable to people.
9. My grandchildren who give me a glimpse of joy when I hear their voices and giggles.
10. For me myself because i am no ordinary chick.

On my last blog someone only wrote the one word response " Freaky". I am not sure what they meant by that but in the journey to loose weight I have found there are plenty of freaky things. When you have to loose as much weight as I do it is not a matter of just pushing back from the table and killing yourself in the gym it is about becoming a different person entirely. You give up beliefs and safety nets all in the hope that you will become better than you were. I am very thankful for every freaky moment of this the good ones and the bad ones because they are so worth the trip to me. So yes my blog might be a little freaky but it is also a very real look into the struggles that has taken me to find the successes in a new healthy life. So I really hope that everyone finds there on freaky way in this and along the way finds a success also.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 12/15/2014 12:48PM

    Sending hugs your way!

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WIZKEY 12/12/2014 5:00PM

    Wow, I really needed this today. I am going to start working on my own ten golden rays. Thank you!!

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KANOE10 12/12/2014 7:39AM

    I liked your ten golden rays. They are worth cherishing. Everyone needs to find their own way..freaky it might appear to others. I definitely stand out as being unusual at work and will continue to do so to maintain my weight. Your journey is going well. Hugs.

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Control issues

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Most people would tell you that I am a control freak which is probably the most accurate thing they can say. i have to be in a certain amount of control and there has to be order. These very two things have probably led to the reason this year has been so hard for me.

The loss of control in my personal relationships has been the hardest which led to some health issues that led to the loss of control in my fitness. the loss of control in fitness has led to the loss of control of my emotions that i fought so hard to get. As you can see this has been a down ward spiral of events.

knowing what you need to do or want to do just doesnt mean as adults you can do it. Every decision that we make directly affects something or someone else. This year i feel like all my decisions have been wrong like if there was ever a failure year this is it. I have taken stock and i know what the problems and believe it or not i even know what most of the solutions are but none of them are good ones.

I have been making better decisions are far as nutrition goes and I have managed to get back on the fitness wagon. Today is one of those I just dont want to do it but i forced myself to pack my gym bag and go to the gym thinking once i got there it would get better but after 15 minutes on the bike it hadnt gotten better so I left . But this was in no way a failure because at least i got that 15 minutes in.

This path is hard to travel alone physically. There is no one that says just do five more minutes or stay with me till I finish. Nope it is just me and sometimes that is plenty just today it wasnt but who knows tomorrow it will be again I just have to take back control over my emotions and have blind faith that everything is going to work out. neither of which is going to be easy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 12/15/2014 12:51PM

    I have made deals with myself that I would go and try to work out, but could leave if it didn't work. You definitely had a success in that you got there. Hang in there, be kind to yourself.

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HAZELFRUIT 12/10/2014 2:12PM

    You made yourself go to the gym and it wasn't a great workout, but you're right to acknowledge the high point is that you went. Millions of people wouldn't have gone.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
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KANOE10 12/10/2014 7:20AM

    emoticon emoticon

This has been a very hard year for you. You are keeping yourself accountable and getting to the gym. You are making better food choices. Hang in there my friend. You can make it through these hard times with emotions.

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NOWINGS2 12/9/2014 3:06PM

    emoticon

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UMBILICAL 12/9/2014 2:10PM

  Freaky

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