When you start out weighing almost 400 pounds ( hard to say ) you dont think of numbers you just think move more eat less. But I had done that before and this time was going to be the hardest since I was going it alone. Succeed or fail it is all on me. I didnt want to have excuses to fail. I didnt want someone to guilt me into something I didnt want to do what I had always done I wanted to be accountable to me. Self accountability is crucial for me for I am the only person that can handle me. I am also the only person that is not scared of me or imitated enough to lie to me. I dont cut myself slack.
For me there has to be complete honesty candid honesty with myself. I don't subscribe to self talk, believe me if people catch me talking to myself in my present state of mind there is a padded room in my future lol. However, at nearly 400 pounds there was plenty of self thoughts going on. When you set out to do the unthinkable it is the most horrifying feeling. You wake up everyday scared to death that you will fail but you wake up everyday also scared that you will succeed. Loosing massive amounts of weight is a mind game. First you hyped up you lost 50 pounds then at 90 pounds you realize that you are changing stripping away things that you are not sure you can live without. At 100 pounds gone I wanted to crawl up in a corner somewhere and hide.
There is a lot of confidence building that goes alone with what i do. Cause lets just be honest most people couldnt withstand it. It is hard to get up everyday and live a life that you have designed to push you to your limits in hopes of finding what you have never been able to accomplish. It is hard to step on the scale every week and let it tell you a number that is not suppose to matter but it does. It is hard to be up beat and positive everyday to people that dont know you in the hopes of giving them enough to change their life. It is hard once a month taking the measurements and saying job well done when you give all you got then 10 % more to loose 2 inches. But nothing is ever hard as being morbidly obese was. Nothing is ever hard as stepping out of bed wondering if my feet were going to hold my out control body one more day.
So why do this for the sheer pleasure in some numbers. To know what the feeling of true strength is all about. To know that I am smart enough to make the decisions that will inevitably save my life. For the sheer enjoyment of flipping my nose at those people who never thought i could. For moments like this morning.
While doing some cleaning I found I slip from my gym where we checked my BMI on 4/18/14 which was 42.1 . When i started this all most 3 years ago my bmi was 54. Today i calculated it again 39.2. This takes me out of morbidly obesity and i am just obese . That means nothing to some to most but for me it means that my heart is not caring as much as use to. It means that my feet are not caring as much as the use to. It means that I am doing what no one thought i could. It means that I am heading to the right direction even if the scale doesnt always say that. What it should mean to the rest of the world is despite pain, injuries and doubt you can do it. You just have to want it everyday as much as you wanted it the first day.
I have been up reading for a while now, the product of to much on my mind. I woke exhausted and I am sure that is not going to change during the day either. Since the only place in this house where I want wake anyone is at my desk this is where i am.
So I was reading through blogs and thinking of a conversation I had with someone about drinking. I don't drink for various reasons: first and foremost is my husband is an alcoholic that there zaps all the fun out of the occasional drink. However not far behind that is the calories in alcohol. I dont have the luxury of not worrying about that. So a friend asked me the other day How do i handle these things like drinking or eating out. It is a simple process really .
I am always worrying with money. I want the most for my buck so i do the same with my calorie count. I am suppose to eat 1500 calories a day give or take depending on the fitness for the day. So I start the day off with $ 15 and through the course of the day I deduct off that $ 15 .
2.70 breakfast = 12.3
1.00 snack = 11.30
3.40 lunch = 8.10
and so on ... it is a running tab that i monitor pretty closely not only so I dont go over but because as most of you know I have a hard time eating when I am stressed and i want to exercise more so I really have to make sure that I get in enough calories but also that they are the right kind of calories. I work hard for my real money and my fitness / nutrition money and I dont want to gamble it all away on the pretense that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I want the most of it today. Holidays are the same way. They come and go and there is always a tomorrow to deal with so why feel guilty when you can just do the right program to start with.
I dont know all the right answers I just know that in life the choice is mine and as long as it is mine I will make the best choice that I can .
1776 was the year that America claimed its Independence from all other countries. At the time men fought for our right to be free from tyranny, now men and women fight side by side to ensure that we remain the home of the brave and the land of the free. All those years ago we as a nation drew a line in the sand and said no more. Our country is not perfect ; however, it is still the greatest country in the world and I am very honored and humbled to be able to call myself American.
As a child of a Marine I know what honor is all about. I also know what it is to give your all for an idea, for the belief that you are part of something that is bigger than just yourself. To be an American is a birth right but it is one that is protected on a daily basis. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my country, it is however part of me. That doesnt mean that I agree with everything that is done in America just that I respect the right for all of us to have our own opinions. No matter what the faults of my country are I still believe that I live in the best country in the world.
As we all prepare for tomorrow's celebration of this day, there are those among us that live in fear of our own personal enemies. The enemies that no matter how mighty the American military is they can not battle for us. You know that enemy it is dear aunt Bettie whispering " come on honey you can have a small piece of cake it wont kill you " it is Uncle Sam hovering over the grill slathering on all the rich sauces on the fattest meats he can find all the time laughing while we watch in horror as his big belly moves up and down with each boisterous laugh. It is Grandma Bess who happens to make the best potato salad in town because it is the extra mayo that she puts in it. And dear Grand paw that keeps the beers stocked in the cooler handing them out while telling stories of the good ole days. It is the kids that light up when you hand them an ice cream cone while watching the fire works all the time giggling come on momma or nana eat one with me. No these enemies our Military can not fight for us.
We as life changers as the keepers of our own destiny must hold firm in our resolve and live out the healthiest we can. It is on days like this one when our own lines in the sand will be tested. We will tip toe up to it and look around and see who is watching us. It is the day when I challenge you to let your resolve say no more do what you did yesterday and what you will do tomorrow. Wave your flag proudly and live the program that you know will get you to where you want to be. Do today what will bring you peacefully to your goals not leave you feeling guilty because you crossed those enemy lines into the abyss of bad choices.
I challenge you to be as you always are just be you dont change for the holiday. Live strong Live free Live brave .
So here we are three days before my 44th birthday and I am still not at goal weight still a long way off as a matter of fact. But you know what in the grand scheme of things that doesnt even matte. In the past year I have had injuries, anxiety attacks, depression, stress induced Eczema, Went to a very scary place emotionally; however, I never gave up on me. When faced with each issue I have taken the steps to correct it and move past it. My life isn't perfect but whose is. I have lots of personal and martial problems that I deal with, I promise there are some days when I think to myself just have that ice cream it will make it better but I dont't because it wont make it better in my world. I started seeing a counselor to which that helped somewhat. That act alone gave me the courage to seriously look for employment and although I have now completed my first week and no I wont be a millionaire any time soon I feel much better about me. I feel like I am taking some control back in my life. Life isnt about money it is about self respect something that even though I had some in my life I was lacking in other places of life also.
In the past few months I have gained and lost weight. When you live the emotional roller coaster that I do then things have to be a little different. I weigh myself but I can not nor will I beat myself up for any gain. I know generally why I gained and all I can do is make the corrections and hope for the best. I like me for the most part of course there are areas where I know that I need improvements and I strive for that everyday but sometimes your body just has a mind of its own. When I get in my car and have to move my seat forward that is something special. When my grandsons can reach around me to give me hug then I have done something right. When I slip on my workout clothes and feel empowered the you bet i take that extra look in the mirror. When I go out for my walk and someone whistles then yes i blush but I smile also because I have earned every one of the NSV I get. I have worked past the pain. I have sweated with the tears and i pushed when I know good and well in the past I would have given up. I will get to my goal weight when I find the consistency that is required of life to get there but I will never go back to where I was.
In the past few months a lot of things have happened. I have to tell you that most of it has not been good. I have been mentally strained and emotionally bankrupt. I have been trying to fix me So now I will share something with you.
As most know I started seeing a counselor and i said that was to fix me. However, I have come to realize that there is really nothing wrong with me. I lacked immediate support in my home life so I started seeing him just to have someone tell me I could go forward. I knew all along the steps I needed to take to save me but I really needed someone to reassure me that I was at least normal in my needs wants and fears. In essence I am paying him to hold my hand in an objective way. I need someone to tell me what i already know that I am strong and capable. Why you ask ? well because I did the one thing that no one should ever do ... I gave up my meaning purpose and hope for the ones i love. I trusted that they would guard it and take care of it. that they would keep me safe and cherish it as i do them. However, I now know this was a flawed concept. Choices were made and overtime I became broken. Someone decided that it was better to control and break me down. It was easier to play with my emotions and keep me edge. Well now I am making the choice end that for them.
Tomorrow morning I go do the paper work for a new job. It isnt a fancy job and it is only part time. But it is the first step in taking back my life. In all that they thought they forgot that I will only take so much and i will push back. I am strong stronger than they remember. I need to engage myself into the world. I need to see people the good and bad. I need to remind myself that I dont have to live in fear or with disrespect.
So this week I will start that process. It will not be easy but I promise it will be no harder than what I have already endured. But I will do this just like I have learned to loose the weight with patience and one step at a time.