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Just remembering

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Sometimes it isnt till you are forced to go back and look at yourself can you see how far you really have come. How much can one person change their body ? No surgeries no pills no nothing but the will to change and the determination to push the limits.

Today as I was walking I realized i had put my tummy back in the front of my body. That should be a given but with my body build I store fat right in the belly and it tends to move over to the sides . But that is moving in the right direction again thankfully. Also today I got a sparkmail that caused me to go back and look at my pictures before and to present .

This picture is me in July 2011, at what I can only assume is around my highest weight of 366 pounds .


This is the most current pic i have of me where you can tell the difference in them I am at about 255 in this one .


I am sure both of these pictures are somewhere else in my blog but it was just a little overwhelming to see them side by side. It doesnt feel real sometimes and other times it feels to real . But either way it can be done if you want it bad enough.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BEHEALTHY2014 4/23/2014 11:29AM

    You're doing great

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WHYNOTJ1 4/23/2014 8:00AM

    D, you are doing awesome. You look great and I know how hard you have worked to get to this point.

I don't have any "before" pictures of myself, but got that same email yesterday. I know what you mean about it not feeling real sometimes!

Let's rock on!

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KANOE10 4/23/2014 7:22AM

    It does seem unreal to look at old pictures. You have made amazing progress!

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QUERISTCHIUN 4/22/2014 9:35PM

    Amazing progress!

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KRISTA987 4/22/2014 9:17PM

    Congrats on your progress! It's great when we can finally see our hard work paying off!
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MICKEYH 4/22/2014 8:45PM

    What a great achievement. You go girl! emoticon emoticon

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 4/22/2014 7:22PM

    emoticon

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GINNABOOTS 4/22/2014 7:14PM

    Congratulations on your success! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VICKI-B-N-FLA 4/22/2014 5:42PM

    emoticon

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MSGO72 4/22/2014 5:35PM

  emoticon

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STRONGERLEANER 4/22/2014 5:08PM

    Great photos! Congratulations on making the changes for the differences you want!

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SUZIPAM1 4/22/2014 4:51PM

    you look fantastic - keep it up

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GRANNY2B2 4/22/2014 4:51PM

    emoticon

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ONECALMMOM 4/22/2014 4:48PM

  Keep up the good work. You've already accomplished so much.


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ALICEART2010 4/22/2014 4:42PM

    Congratulations!

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Finding Serendipity in pixie hollow lol

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Today has been a busy day . Of course most holidays are busy for all of us. I promised myself that I was going to have a good day today no matter what it took. I have done exactly what I wanted to all day . I have had to ease some ruffled feathers along the way but well that is just part of the job i suppose. But in the quest to have a good day I have had a lot of fun despite the complications.

I started out the day making my Easter centerpiece for my table. Nothing fancy but I meant i was going to dye eggs. For real how can you have Easter without some dyed eggs .

Then i went for a walk around my neighborhood since I missed my gym time. Nothing to strenuous only 2.5 miles in 42 minutes. but I decided that I would take some pictures as the day turned out so beautiful .





After the walk I had to take the grandsons to Walmart to pick up a few last minute things for the dinner tomorrow. It was important to take them since my son was decorating for the birthday party. My youngest grandson turned 4 the past Tuesday . Oh boy there was cake lol.


When I was leaving Walmart there was the little old couple giving away puppies. I have been wanting a puppy for myself. I dont know just have been wanting one. So if you will meet Knight.

He is a 6 week old Border Collie and Terrier mix and just precious.

And for later this evening after I have finished a good long hot shower I rented me a dvd to watch. Sometimes it is just up to you to make it a good day no matter what happens .

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter !!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZZYMOM53 4/22/2014 11:34AM

    He is adorable! He will also be a great companion for you. My family has border collies. They are on the go all the time, but great companions.

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CYALE76 4/22/2014 7:21AM

    Knight is so adorable !! He can keep you company on your walks now. I love your Easter center piece and agree you have to dye eggs for Easter. Glad you had such a wonderful day.

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WIZKEY 4/22/2014 12:04AM

    OMG - your puppy is so cute!!! And good for you for doing what you wanted!!! Talk about me time!! You go girl!!

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WONDERGALE 4/21/2014 10:48PM

    emoticon Cute Puppy!

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KALISWALKER 4/21/2014 7:23PM

    Knight will be a great exercise buddy!

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_MOBII_ 4/21/2014 10:13AM

    Happy Easter to you! Knight is SO adorable! Now I want a puppy, lol!

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WHYNOTJ1 4/21/2014 8:17AM

    You've got a puppy! Awe!

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RUBYSNANA 4/21/2014 7:30AM

    Sounds like a perfect day to me. Love the pictures. Knight is adorable! He will be so much company and he will add a whole new dimension to your exercise! LOL I am looking forward to hearing what mischief he gets into. emoticon

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SIRIUS2014 4/20/2014 8:43PM

    Beautiful blog. Enjoy the new pup.

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HAZELFRUIT 4/20/2014 1:06PM

    Sweet puppy! He is going to keep you active! I agree on making your own good day.
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KANOE10 4/20/2014 8:29AM

    That puppy is adorable. What a great day for you. Happy Easter!

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FIT4MEIN2013 4/19/2014 10:07PM

    What a wonderful day! Knight is darling!

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A word of caution

Friday, April 18, 2014

Weighing
NSV
strength training
cardio
tape measurements

You weigh after you have given all you have to it for the week and the scale rewards you with a 1/2 pound down or 2 pounds up. For the next seven days you beat your body into the ground with cardio and strength training. You get up and take a walk you might even take a run. OH you have to train for this and that race. Seven days pass and you step on the scale oh no it is up another pound WTH ?

Your body is screaming a warning at you. It is telling you that it is having a hard time adjusting to what you are doing.

There is a theme going around the site in blogs and post that I have seen . It is spring meaning we have to work our tushes off for the winter we just had. I know this because I was one of these people. I pushed and when body didnt respond the way I wanted then by god I dug in my heels and pushed some more. And what eventually happened is my body shut down on me and I had to take a good long hard at my life stop trying to loose weight, stop the cardio, stop the weight training . I had to rest I had to let my body recover from what i had done to it. It takes 28 days to form a new habit and it takes less than that to destroy an old one.

I had to sit and watch as my weight creeped back up. Horrified that I was going to slide back into the depths of fat hell. But with the support of some very good friends and someone that loves me very much I slowly started back. Today as I left the gym from my workout I realized that I didnt loose my hard work in the period of rest that I had actually made my body stronger as it has now returned right back to where it was. as far as my shape and toning.

If i would give you a word of caution it is this . If you have substanstial weight to loose which for me is more than 25 pounds then you can worry about the scale or you can tone and strength training but you can not do both at the same time. That doesnt mean dont strength train but remember every pound you push in weights is also adding a weight somewhere else so dont over do it. The process is yours learn to love it learn to enjoy it learn to live it and then you will have true success every where. If you are doing what you are suppose to be doing then your body will show you that but it will also let you know when you are not as well. Take my caution and never go through what I did .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_MOBII_ 4/21/2014 10:11AM

    There is nothing wrong with giving your body a chance to heal and catch up with what you are doing to it!
We didn't put on weight over night and it won't come off that way either. I am so glad you gave your body a bit of time to catch up with you.
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HAZELFRUIT 4/20/2014 1:02PM

    Glad to see you have made that adjustment and things are falling into place.


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RUBYSNANA 4/20/2014 7:43AM

    emoticon Finding a balance is so important an not an easy thing to do. Thank you for sharing this. emoticon

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JUSTYNA7 4/18/2014 8:44PM

    Excellent advice Tink and lots of people need to hear it!

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CYALE76 4/18/2014 8:31PM

    Great advice. Finding the balance can be the hardest part of the battle sometimes.

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SIRIUS2014 4/18/2014 7:36PM

    emoticon

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LEIGHWOMAN 4/18/2014 7:11PM

    Great advice!

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MICKEYH 4/18/2014 6:25PM

    I so understand this blog. Great advice thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon emoticon


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Dreams

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Inside every child lives a dream. As we grow up and take on the world so of our dreams become what we believe to be unattainable dreams. I am 43 years old and for every day of every year I have had my Big brother by my side. I have watched take knocks in life that are more than anyone should have to endure. Being homosexual comes with a huge price. I have been there for all the black eyes and taunting. I was there when he just didnt think he could live with disappointing our parents. I was there when he married a woman that treated him awful for years all in the name of having peace with the family.

Randy is the one person that I know no matter what he has my back and he has always had my heart. 20 years ago he was diagnosed with having HIV and now has AIDS but that is under control.

As we were growing up it was Randy who would watch the pageants on TV And do the run way walks make them silly pretend crowns and hold the hair brush as his microphone . As I have stated before I have known all my life he was gay. The crowns were the sparkles in his eyes. It can be overwhelming to watch him now as an adult to dress as a female but when you truly love someone you do whatever you have to make them happy.

The past Sunday night my brother/sister was crowned Ms Magnolia Proud FI at large Ameritous !!! FI = female impersonator .... Ameritous is that he was honorary inducted but he will still have to compete for the national title in September.



This is me and randy .... I really want you to understand that they only reason i have pictures of me in this is because Wizkey might hunt me down if she doesnt see a smile lol.



To the sister that god me as a brother I am so very proud of and am so very humbled that I was able to be part of seeing your life long dream of getting a crown come true.

I love you Randy !!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYALE76 4/18/2014 8:28PM

    Beautiful pictures, I am so glad that you could be there on this special night and watch his dream come true !

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ISLENAA 4/17/2014 9:36AM

    you are a wonderful sister! and a big congrats to Randy for getting the crown and fingers crossing for the nationals. to dreams coming true!!! emoticon emoticon

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HAZELFRUIT 4/16/2014 3:05PM

    What a great story! I love to see the love.
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WIZKEY 4/16/2014 1:26PM

    Darlene - Seeing you with a smile and in makeup - I think I have died and gone to heaven!! The photos of you and your brother made me cry - so proud of you and what a wonderful, beautiful woman you are - believe me you ARE beautiful - inside and out!!! emoticon

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MSEMBERSTORM 4/15/2014 9:23PM

    Beautiful! I am so glad that you and him have each other for support! Isn't love and caring a beautiful thing?!? Hugs!

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RUBYSNANA 4/15/2014 4:05PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. These are wonderful pictures. You and Randy are both very lucky to have each other. I love that you are so accepting of you brother and that he has you there to support him. I am such a believer that all people should be allowed to live their life in peace regardless or race, religion, or sexual orientation. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/15/2014 4:06:39 PM

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WHYNOTJ1 4/15/2014 11:10AM

    You are both beautiful! Congratulations to Randy and to you for supporting his dream.

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JET150 4/15/2014 10:49AM

    What a great story, and how brave you and Randy are. I'm way older than you, but would love to see the day when people are allowed to live life in peace, no matter their race, religion, or sexual orientation.
Congrats to Randy!

p.s. you look beautiful!

Comment edited on: 4/15/2014 10:49:45 AM

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MJEFFERSON23 4/15/2014 10:27AM

  There's nothing like the love of family!

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BATCHICK 4/15/2014 10:10AM

    This is really beautiful and thank you for being your brother's ally.

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JAZZYMOM53 4/15/2014 9:41AM

    Darlene, thank you for sharing! Totally obvious that this came straight from your heart emoticon . You both look beautiful!! I feel honored that you would share this moment with us. Glad you shared the pictures....thanks Teressa (hehehe)!
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_MOBII_ 4/15/2014 9:28AM

    Thank you for sharing all the pictures and stories with us, they are fabulous pics and the love you have for Randy is shining as bright as the crown!

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WATERONE 4/15/2014 8:52AM

    Thank you for sharing the pictures and stories. It is wonderful to see someone's dream come true. I know he was glad you were there with him.

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MICKEYH 4/15/2014 8:35AM

    Beautiful crown, beautiful love. Thanks for sharing ! emoticon

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KANOE10 4/15/2014 7:57AM

    She looks beautiful. I am glad Randy is happy and is lucky to have you.

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WDIPIM 4/15/2014 7:18AM

  God Bless

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77 days to go

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

When I had my break down it was a collapse of mental , emotional and physical . It took on the physical aspects of sugar imbalance. My head hurt , shaking , nausea , blurred vision . my emotions went from extremely happy and confident to the pit of despair. My mental state went from being strong and capable to weak and loss of desire to live. Please note that I was NOT suicidal I just didnt see any reason to live. I felt completely isolated and disconnected from everything. I couldnt think past what I had to do and what i couldnt do. It was a very dark couple of hours for me. The removal of my fitness, the insistence that i eat more , the inability to convey my deep feelings to those that are on my support system was devastating to me.

That morning was was just the crash the world had been spinning for a days. I am not crazy but I am damaged . Through the process of changing my life I took great strides to workout all my emotional issues because I firmly believe that to know where you are going you must know where you came from. It is true that your past defines you and to change yourself you must attack and analyze who you were. I have the break down of emotions before, of mental before and of the physical before but I have never had them all crash at one time like this. I have always been very strong and confident and even when these all happened individually i never lost sight of self. I always knew that if I just remember to breath then it would pass. make a small adjustment here or there then everything would even out. But this was not the same thing. I made adjustments but none of them worked I was to far gone by the time that the breaks went on.

Over the past several weeks I have taken a lot of stock in myself and what i want and where I need to go from this point. i have attacked each item individually. To be strong physically I must mind the calories and let my body rest . I stripped my body of all the important stuff in the name of loosing weight because well I am that smart. There are thousands if not millions of highly sophisticated people that give opinions on what needs to happen to loose weight. What you should give up what you should eat what you should drink. The problem with all this is it is based on the premises that I am unhealthy to start with that I am the " normal obese person" and well I promise there is nothing normal about me. I have spent most of my life obese with the fears of diabetes, heart disease and worst. I am a genetic ticking time bomb as I have the worst family medical history ever; however even when i was over 300 pounds I had none of these issues . I have perfect blood pressure I have wonderful cholesterol levels and my sugar levels are all spot on. So making my healthy body healthier is not going to happen by anything nutritional. Nutrition comes into play because I must eat healthy balance and that is not easy when you don't want anything to eat.

Mentally I struggle with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is the unpleasant state of inner turmoil. Anxiety is feeling fear worry and uneasiness. I know this feeling well and I can usually talk myself out of any panic attack by this. Depression is a pervasive and persistent low mood. Again there are millions of opinions on how to deal with this but even here I am not normal. I can recognize anxiety and depression in myself and most of the time and talk myself off the ledge. I dont suffer from low self esteem however I do loose interest in things that are usually enjoyable. However, once i start things that i like I usually feel some sort of pleasure from them but once stopped then i am sad again. I cant take the medicines that others take to somewhat calm these feelings. My mind doesnt allow it, when i take these medicines i become very confused and out of control. Which causes me to have even more anxiety.

Emotionally is the hardest for me. I am overly emotional all the time. I feel things on such intense magnitudes that they are hard to deal with. When I am happy then it is an extreme happy when I am sad then it is extreme sad. There is no even kill here . This is why when things were falling apart and everything had to change my despair took on such an intense feeling. I lost all my happy's at one time and my emotions just didnt understand that . And in a lot of ways even though i have logically analyzed this i am still having questions today about this.

I have successfully brought my body back up physically. I have had to gain a small amount of weight to do this but that is alright since I know that it is part of the process. I have had to slowly and cautiously face my fears about what has happened. I have a workout plan that I follow and it is realistic to my physical needs. Proof here is that it the 9th of the month and i have not got 500 fitness minutes yet and yes that is a huge eye roll. But my body called time out on me and I am listening. There are issues in my life that I don't know how to deal with and i have been hiding in my process to deal with them . This has proven to be ineffective so since i do not have the knowledge myself I am going to see a counselor tomorrow to see if i can figure this out. I will say at this point that to me this is a sign of weakness but sometime to be strong you have to weak. It is important for me to understand on a complete level what happened to me so that it will not happen again. I dont know the answers or what will come from this but i feel that it is important to try it and see.

I guess what I am trying to say in this blog is that it is alright to be scared but that fear can not control you . Realistically look at what you are doing and if it feels like something is wrong, bringing to much anxiety or no good feeling at all in the name of loosing that pound then step back and figure out why it isnt bringing you to the happy place. Listen closely to all that your body is telling you before it calls time in an ugly way .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 4/14/2014 9:07PM

    Hugs! Very well said.

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OHANAMAMA 4/11/2014 12:06PM

    emoticon
I can relate to a lot of what you said.
Hang in there, keep listening and taking care of yourself.
You got this.
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HAZELFRUIT 4/10/2014 12:01AM

    Thanks for sharing. You've got a lot going on and I'm glad you're reaching out. It is not weak.
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WATERONE 4/9/2014 1:34PM

    emoticon emoticon So sorry you have had to go through this.

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KANOE10 4/9/2014 8:29AM

    I am glad you are seeing a counselor. I am also glad you are listening to yourself and your body. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. being happy is more than a number on a scale..Hang in there Spark Friend. I hope you feel better.

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WHYNOTJ1 4/9/2014 8:26AM

    You are listening to your body and paying attention to what you need, getting help to work through it. Soon this rough time will be a distant memory!

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RUBYSNANA 4/9/2014 7:45AM

    I am sorry that you are having such a struggle right now, but you are correct that your body will send you a message when it is out of alignment. At that point it is so important to take time to rethink what we are doing. Take the time to find out exactly what you need without feeling judged by others. It is not about the number of workout minutes but about what your body needs. A counselor will help you to figure out what you need. Seeing a counselor is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength. You are strong enough to recognize that you need guidance and you are taking steps to find that help. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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