Wednesday, April 09, 2014
When I had my break down it was a collapse of mental , emotional and physical . It took on the physical aspects of sugar imbalance. My head hurt , shaking , nausea , blurred vision . my emotions went from extremely happy and confident to the pit of despair. My mental state went from being strong and capable to weak and loss of desire to live. Please note that I was NOT suicidal I just didnt see any reason to live. I felt completely isolated and disconnected from everything. I couldnt think past what I had to do and what i couldnt do. It was a very dark couple of hours for me. The removal of my fitness, the insistence that i eat more , the inability to convey my deep feelings to those that are on my support system was devastating to me.
That morning was was just the crash the world had been spinning for a days. I am not crazy but I am damaged . Through the process of changing my life I took great strides to workout all my emotional issues because I firmly believe that to know where you are going you must know where you came from. It is true that your past defines you and to change yourself you must attack and analyze who you were. I have the break down of emotions before, of mental before and of the physical before but I have never had them all crash at one time like this. I have always been very strong and confident and even when these all happened individually i never lost sight of self. I always knew that if I just remember to breath then it would pass. make a small adjustment here or there then everything would even out. But this was not the same thing. I made adjustments but none of them worked I was to far gone by the time that the breaks went on.
Over the past several weeks I have taken a lot of stock in myself and what i want and where I need to go from this point. i have attacked each item individually. To be strong physically I must mind the calories and let my body rest . I stripped my body of all the important stuff in the name of loosing weight because well I am that smart. There are thousands if not millions of highly sophisticated people that give opinions on what needs to happen to loose weight. What you should give up what you should eat what you should drink. The problem with all this is it is based on the premises that I am unhealthy to start with that I am the " normal obese person" and well I promise there is nothing normal about me. I have spent most of my life obese with the fears of diabetes, heart disease and worst. I am a genetic ticking time bomb as I have the worst family medical history ever; however even when i was over 300 pounds I had none of these issues . I have perfect blood pressure I have wonderful cholesterol levels and my sugar levels are all spot on. So making my healthy body healthier is not going to happen by anything nutritional. Nutrition comes into play because I must eat healthy balance and that is not easy when you don't want anything to eat.
Mentally I struggle with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is the unpleasant state of inner turmoil. Anxiety is feeling fear worry and uneasiness. I know this feeling well and I can usually talk myself out of any panic attack by this. Depression is a pervasive and persistent low mood. Again there are millions of opinions on how to deal with this but even here I am not normal. I can recognize anxiety and depression in myself and most of the time and talk myself off the ledge. I dont suffer from low self esteem however I do loose interest in things that are usually enjoyable. However, once i start things that i like I usually feel some sort of pleasure from them but once stopped then i am sad again. I cant take the medicines that others take to somewhat calm these feelings. My mind doesnt allow it, when i take these medicines i become very confused and out of control. Which causes me to have even more anxiety.
Emotionally is the hardest for me. I am overly emotional all the time. I feel things on such intense magnitudes that they are hard to deal with. When I am happy then it is an extreme happy when I am sad then it is extreme sad. There is no even kill here . This is why when things were falling apart and everything had to change my despair took on such an intense feeling. I lost all my happy's at one time and my emotions just didnt understand that . And in a lot of ways even though i have logically analyzed this i am still having questions today about this.
I have successfully brought my body back up physically. I have had to gain a small amount of weight to do this but that is alright since I know that it is part of the process. I have had to slowly and cautiously face my fears about what has happened. I have a workout plan that I follow and it is realistic to my physical needs. Proof here is that it the 9th of the month and i have not got 500 fitness minutes yet and yes that is a huge eye roll. But my body called time out on me and I am listening. There are issues in my life that I don't know how to deal with and i have been hiding in my process to deal with them . This has proven to be ineffective so since i do not have the knowledge myself I am going to see a counselor tomorrow to see if i can figure this out. I will say at this point that to me this is a sign of weakness but sometime to be strong you have to weak. It is important for me to understand on a complete level what happened to me so that it will not happen again. I dont know the answers or what will come from this but i feel that it is important to try it and see.
I guess what I am trying to say in this blog is that it is alright to be scared but that fear can not control you . Realistically look at what you are doing and if it feels like something is wrong, bringing to much anxiety or no good feeling at all in the name of loosing that pound then step back and figure out why it isnt bringing you to the happy place. Listen closely to all that your body is telling you before it calls time in an ugly way .