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July 8, 2014

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

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"I lovingly do everything I can to assist my body in maintaining perfect health." ~Louise Hay

You ever get distracted...by life, by an injury, by illness, by old habits? I sure have. It is July 8th. Lots of great things have happened. My second daughter graduated from high school, my mom's cancer is showing no growth, one of my financial issues came to a resolution. ...I have not had a sip of alcohol since October 8th, 2013...I attended an Al-Anon meeting.

It is Tuesday...I have a gym pass, I have purchased gym passes for my daughters... I commit to actually utilizing the darn thing atleast three times this week. I had injured my left calf muscle two weeks ago and was not able to walk without excruciating pain...kind of gun-shy about getting back out there...but I am willing today to lovingly do everything I can to assist my body in maintaining perfect health.

Blessings All:)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 7/8/2014 9:00PM

    It sounds like you are ready to push through. I hope you do fantastic!

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SLENDERELLA61 7/8/2014 4:38PM

    Great affirmation! Best wishes for pain-free exercise.

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June 6, 2014

Friday, June 06, 2014

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*You never find yourself until you face the truth. ~*~Pearl Bailey

I prayed for willingness two days ago to change my life. I had time yesterday to utilize some tools and went to my first al-anon meeting since 2006. I had been attending a weekly CODA therapy group but found that it resembled the stuff I had in al-anon years ago and I would rather become active in that community again. I am scheduled for individual therapy to address my binge eating issues in August...thank you insurance company...that was the first available appointment.

I have been learning how to be appropriate and to set healthy boundaries. One of the quotes a lady had said to me many years ago is that we are not victims...we are volunteers. I learned these behaviors from my mother who probably learned them from her mother and on the cycle goes.

I was never rescued so I felt it was my obligation to be a rescuer. Did not serve me so well over the years. I just asked one of my youngest daughter's friends to leave my home after six months of her living here free of charge and not doing anything other than sleeping all day and staying up all night. The room was like an episode of A&E Hoarders and that pushed me over the edge a few days ago. I had several conversations with both she and my other kids regarding what was expected of everyone living under my roof. I had made a detailed letter to this young woman on May 21st addressing that she would need to find someplace else to stay for free as she was not complying with my house rules.

I did not react...I thought things through; did not say anything inappropriate. I packed up all her belongings and informed her that she would need to collect them and be out of my home by noon. It is 2:43 pm here and I feel free.

I imprison myself and have done so for all these years. Nothing like sitting in an al-anon meeting and being almost 10 years older than the last time you attended one and to see the faces of those folks you saw 10 years ago who are at peace.

I had to know what I did not want in my life before I could actually begin to create the life I do desire. It is so strange to know that all of these years all I had to do was have the willingness to just walk back in and ask God to help me out...yet I stewed in my codependent misery and got fat instead...not that rewarding...but lessons learned.

My life is evolving...things are changing for the positive...and with those positive changes I am making I am creating the life I have always wanted.

I am surrounded by three beautiful children who love each other and are making a positive impact on those around them. I have a roof over my head. I have a car to drive. I have extended family I love and talk to. I am sticking to tracking my food, logging into this site, and for this week making sure I exercise atleast 3 times.

Anyway...thanks for being here and blessings.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 6/6/2014 8:14PM

    It sounds like you are making a lot of healthy choices. Stick with these changes. You are on the right path. emoticon

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DANALMILLAN 6/6/2014 5:54PM

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June 4th, 2015

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

emoticon ~If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing...AA page 76

Praying for willingness today...Willingness to change a pattern of comforting myself that in the beginning helped me survive what was going on in my life but over time took over my life.
As a child I did not overeat. I had issues with digestion and when I got full you could not make me put another bite down the hatch.

I used to toss stuff to my dog under the table, bribe my younger sister to eat my portion for me, spit the food in my napkin, excuse myself to the bathroom and spit it out in the toilet, take my disgusting deviled-ham sandwich on month-old roman meal bread and toss it into the empty lot next to the house when I got off the bus...my mom was not the best chef.

Over time that changed...and by the time I had my daughter at age 18 food became my comforter. Food is the good girl's drug of choice...you don't get in trouble if you have to much to eat and then get into a vehicle and drive it down the street. Food doesn't make you wreak of cigarette smoke. Food is a socially acceptable addiction.

I am 41 years old. I have been to battle everyday since I was in my early 20's with this food thing. I am tired. It is a draining cycle.

Humorously enough...with my digestive issues as a youngster my nickname from my father was skinny minnie. I am the overweight one in my family of origin now. My oldest sister struggled with binge-eating after our father's death when she was 15 but she now exercises the heck out of herself and is a healthy weight. My younger sister struggled with binge eating but has utilized diet drugs to the point of erasing intelligence from her brain...looks very pretty but there is nothing left upstairs. My brother had some issues with being overweight for sometime but he is now very active and outdoorsy and is a healthy weight. I was 145 pounds in 2008. I am not that weight any longer.

So, today...God...I pray for the willingness to let you take this part of me over...this addiction that I do not want to let go of because what will I turn to if I do not turn to the food. I need your guidance today...I am tired of eating beyond full, I am tired of large clothing and back aches. I am exhausted because I wake up in the middle of the night with a need to feed...but in reality I am not hungry...there is something much deeper that I am longing for.

I surrender to your will for me Abba: June 4, 2014 emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 6/4/2014 2:58PM

    I was like you were as a child until I was 46 and I was thin until then when menopause reared it's ugly head. I hope you are granted permanent relief from your food addiction. It is exhausting.

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JOLENE662 6/4/2014 2:42PM

    Thanks for your honesty! I understand completely about food = comfort; it's a hard connection to break.

Praying for you, especially in your recovery from eating for comfort. emoticon

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May 10, 2014

Saturday, May 10, 2014

All I can say is life will always have its ups and its downs...that is a reminder to myself to remember this is a journey and not a destination. My mom was diagnosed with cancer this spring; my younger sister is currently on a 72-hour hold at a psychiatric facility that my siblings and I worked very hard to get her into. Strangely enough...I had recommitted to the nutrition portion of my journey on May 1st...as have been going to CODA group meetings weekly and our task was to pick a long term goal and a short term goal...my long term goal is to lose 2-5 pounds a week until I am able to reach 160 lbs. So crazy that I was so close and then let it be ripped out of my hands. Food is how I have dealt with stress since I was 19 years old...I am 41 now. Hmm...On the plus side (not a pun even though I am in plus size attire) I did lose 3 pounds since the last weigh in. This week I will be concentrating on my fitness...last week was nutrition. For me I need to do little things...until I have them ingrained in my brain as a habit. I stopped drinking on October 9, 2013...in remembrance of the anniversary of my father's death 30 years ago that day...No problem with giving up the alcohol...however food is a major stumbling block as it is deeply entrenched in my collection of tools (poor tools) to deal with stress. Anyway...keep on trucking

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 5/10/2014 9:28PM

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom and sister. I think we can all understand how you feel. I would be completely stressed out too. I will send a prayer for them and you.Take care of yourself. emoticon

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DOILIEQUEEN 5/10/2014 3:40PM

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JOLENE662 5/10/2014 3:31PM

    Lots of wisdom in your post! I also need to focus on baby steps...consistency in small things seems to work better for me.

Blessing on your journey!

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February 5th, 2014

Wednesday, February 05, 2014



Have been utilizing spark coach for a bit...today's workbook activity was to blog on how this journey has been. My dream is to not be remotely concerned with what I weigh for the rest of my life. Around the time I was in my early 20's I chose to partake in disordered eating. I went to therapy for it...got better...and then proceeded to disregard all I learned and went back to survival mode. I am going to be 41 in a few months. Life will happen whether I work a program or not...I can honestly say life felt a little more rewarding when I actively took care of myself. I saw a therapist on Friday...she stated the obvious...you already have all the tools to do what you need to do...you need to do it. Maybe it is easier to focus on everyone else instead of myself...continue to utilize excuses instead of making headway. Truly, it is not easier in the long run...baby steps today. Blessings.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 2/5/2014 1:24PM

    Take it a day at a time or even and hour or meal at a time. You are right, we have to take care of ourselves before we worry about taking care of others.

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LISASGONNADOIT 2/5/2014 10:44AM

    I believe in you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon You deserve the best!!

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PJ2222 2/5/2014 9:54AM

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