Have been utilizing spark coach for a bit...today's workbook activity was to blog on how this journey has been. My dream is to not be remotely concerned with what I weigh for the rest of my life. Around the time I was in my early 20's I chose to partake in disordered eating. I went to therapy for it...got better...and then proceeded to disregard all I learned and went back to survival mode. I am going to be 41 in a few months. Life will happen whether I work a program or not...I can honestly say life felt a little more rewarding when I actively took care of myself. I saw a therapist on Friday...she stated the obvious...you already have all the tools to do what you need to do...you need to do it. Maybe it is easier to focus on everyone else instead of myself...continue to utilize excuses instead of making headway. Truly, it is not easier in the long run...baby steps today. Blessings.
Love the above quote...and that is what 2014 will be for me...doing those things I have always wanted to do...living my life. I have utilized food as something to numb myself with since I was in my late teens. I have a great amount of OA support located all around me and am committing to going to a meeting today. I had to be willing to let things fall by the wayside in order to be ready to get back to the place that helped me 18 years ago. Be gentle with yourself was one of the main things I am reminded of from that time. My food plan then was three meals a day and not counting calories and fat grams because I would become totally obsessed and into a diet mentality utilizing those tools.
This year I am going to learn how it feels to be hungry and waiting on that feeling before I eat...and then when I do choose to nourish my body with food...I will eat until I am satisfied and not sick and stuffed. I am going to learn how to be honest with myself...
I want to be healthy physically, spiritually, and emotionally and there are so many roads available to me to choose from. I can actually have a life again. It has been three months since I let go of alcohol...and that was a major stumbling block for myself. I don't need it anymore which is awesome.
I think letting go of that has allowed me to come to this place where I am now truly ready to deal with my food thing. I am ready. Blessings
All things splendid...
Celebrating the little achievements is the journey itself. I feel a lot healthier than I did one month ago. I feel like I am finally awakening back to what life was meant to be. My eldest daughter even informed me last evening that it was nice to speak to me after 5 pm and not have me in bed. Depression sucks the life out of folks...I turned to everything else to medicate it instead of just getting on the medication I needed. One of my favorite quotes was and remains that from mystic Joseph Campbell...taking one step towards the gods and they take ten steps toward you. Those spiritual concepts are also intertwined in the 12-step program...became willing...last month I became willing...and the gods did not disappoint. I really did not want to give up my nightly chardonnay. I really did not want to be accountable to tracking my intake of food. Something took a hold of me on October 9th...the 30 year anniversary of my father's death (I was ten when he died and it changed me greatly). I became willing to do what was necessary...even though I did not know what that would entail.
I am going to an I Can Do It conference on Friday with a couple of friends from work. I am so looking forward to it...Wayne Dyer will be there so I thought fitting to post one of his quotes. I am changing my mind and expecting miracles. Everyday we wake up is a miracle and presents us with an opportunity to grow in better directions. I have not lived a real life for so many years...that has also impacted my children. Big changes have been made this year...and big results will be yielded from the willingness to go out on a limb. Things can be scary...but you follow through...do as Joyce Meyer says...feel the fear and push through anyway. Blessings.
My son fell asleep last evening as I was reading a Dr. Seuss book...thought it fitting to add a little Seuss to my morning post.
Found this quote kind of soothing this morning. I am proceeding down a path of great change today. I am a potluck of spirituality...I was raised lutheran, I attended 12-step meetings, I enjoy most of the new-age authors...so I say take what you can utilize and leave the rest. I had to be willing to make the changes needed in my life for me in order to have the blessings that were waiting behind the curtain.
I released some habits earlier this month that were impeding 'my' process. I had to be honest with myself. I love wine. I loved the warm feeling it gave me. However...when it inhibits your ability to close your mouth and you end up eating a plate full of nachos that probably totaled 5,000 calories...then maybe it is time to say I can give this up God...with your help if you promise me there is a blessing in it. Oddly enough...there was a 10 lb. blessing.
I am on anti-depressant medication...I should have never touched the vino in the first place. I would always rationalize...that is what a person does when they have a personality that wants to do anything other than deal with life head-on. I rationalized for years about food, spending, alcohol...you name it...I had an excuse for why I was the terminally unique one.
I was married to a man who had addiction issues and I attended Al-Anon for years. I had attended OA early on...back in the late 1990s; early 2000s. My main addiction is food...that is what I would run to...but if you don't do what is required of you and face what needs to be faced you turn to something else when you are trying to stop the main comfort. I turned to spending in my 20s and then alcohol in my 30s.
Awareness is the first step. Not lying to myself is the key. October 2013...I stopped the rationalization...that is the only way I was going to change. And...it was very chaotic the first few days. I was on facebook asking my friends if they new of any good herbal teas to help me
I also scheduled an appointment with my MD to change my medication as it was causing me too much anxiety. He placed me on something else that helped with both the depression and anxiety aspect...and he gave me a referral to a therapist...and told me that most likely I turned to some of these items as a result of the anxiety so the medication may help...but would need to check in with someone else regarding behavior modification.
The new for me now is my nightly ritual of a big pot of teavana herbal tea. Taking my son and my dogs on a long walk. Being accountable to my tracking...and being completely honest with it. I am becoming a better parent. How good can one be at first grade math with a glass of chardonnay in her hand...I am calling the referral my MD gave me today. I may even go back and try OA or AA...I picked up the food stuff many moons ago...probably at 19 when I had to be a good girl and be a mom at the same time...back then I did not drink. My chardonnay had become what they referred to back in the 70s as mommy's little helper...well this mommy is going to try a healthier road this year. Blessings.
A picture of my six year old son and myself back in the day...just trying at times to be a single mom. My eldest daughter reminded me that I will have a college graduate in December, a high school graduate in June, and a little man in elementary school...things will get easier I needed that. I chose this past week to stop drinking diet soda and my nightly vino...it is an expensive habit and I want to see if it will make a difference in my weight loss. This morning when I was heading out the door with my morning joe my son said, "I thought you were done with that stuff mommy?" I quickly reminded him I am done with diet soda and vino for now...but he would not like me without my joe.
A picture of all three of my cutie patooties a few winters ago. I am blessed. It has been a tough go...doing things on your own usually is...but it is very worth it. I have three lovely kids who are loving, compassionate, kind little earthlings.
Lovely woman who left earth not too long ago. Thought it a fitting quote for my day. Now I am going to listen to a little Anthony Robbins to get my motivation and then off to exercise a bit in my garage. Blessings.