NIKKICOLE83   18,017
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It's smoke! It's mirrors! It's Spanx!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I had no clue I was getting fat again. Well, no, I KNEW I was gaining a few pounds when my inventory of Spanx increased from two pair of control top undies to a spandex wardrobe of tanks, body shapers and bras. It wasn't until my jawline got soft and I got cellulite on my upper arm, did I realize that I was disillusioned.

The beauty of Spanx and other control garments is that they are a master at compressing loose skin. That is why I initially bout them. I was loosing weight pretty rapidly and my stomach was like a soggy rag. I needed to get that under control, and it really did help. The problem with it is that if you wear it enough, you ignore what is really going on with your physique. I BELIEVED that my body WAS the way it looked in the mirror. And as soon as I took of my control top it was like popping open a can of Pillsbury Grand Biscuits!

Now I realize that all that compression wear just allowed me to eat without repercussions. It led me to believe that my body was something it is not. Will I stop wearing it? No. I am wearing it now, but I took it off long enough to realize I needed to snap to it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVER-HOPEFUL 4/16/2014 3:35PM


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SUSIEMT 4/16/2014 2:39PM

    So glad you saw the light! It happens to us all from time to time! Welcome back girl!

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I missed you too!!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Oh how I love my Spark Friends, let me count the ways: 1.) You all are always checking in 2.) You genuinely care 3.) You haunt my dreams and thoughts 4.) You are sticking to your goals.

Having friends like you all are necessary. I have been enjoying my husband, enjoying home, eating, drinking and being merry to the tune of 12 additional pounds. It was fun while it lasted but the truth is, your body knows what you need and I was genuinely happier and had more energy when my lifestyle was healthier. I slept better, sex was better, my skin was better, my clothes looked better on me. I wore less makeup, I was more self-assured, and I had less morning breath.

My husband and I have some goals in these next several months and one of them in particular will require me to regain my healthy streak. For him, he has applied to be a Correctional Officer. That job is MADE for him. That will gain him the experience necessary to join the Police force. He takes his written exam next week and will then interview thereafter. Please say a prayer or two for him.

We are also planning on starting a family. When we start is contingent on my health. I have a severely incompitent cervix. I need to be as healthy as possible to ensure a successful pregnancy. We have decided that once I lose 18 pounds, I will have the IUD removed so that we can try to get pregnant. My gynocologist believes that I will get pregnant the moment they take it out. We shall see! I realistically believe that I can get rid of those 18 pounds in 3 months. My weight all boils down to my eating habits. I love carbs and sweets. Sugar, salt and flour. All things that I should despise. The truth is, though, that i love fruits and vegetables as well as lean protein. Once I start cooking clean meals again, I know my cravings will change.

But anywho. I am so glad to see my Sparklers doing well. Its time for me to do some random drive-bys of my friends' blogs. Have a successful day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSB8604 4/16/2014 11:36AM

    Glad to see you're back and I wish you the very best in having a family. I have no doubt that you'll be successful in everything you set your mind to.

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SWEETZMIX 4/16/2014 8:41AM

    Glad you are back!! Girl I have been a mess too. But you are doing great, enjoying that married life. You guys will bust everything out. And good luck on the baby. I had plans of dropping some poundage before having a baby, but ummm.......we weren't planning it and it happened lol Anyway, I think babies happen when you are not trying, just having fun with it, for a good portion of people. And I know someone with a cervix issue as well and she has a wonderful baby boy. Had to go out on bed rest a little early in the game and the sewed her up, but hey, like I said a healthy baby boy. Good luck to your hubby! Keep in touch!

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SUMMER2203 4/16/2014 7:54AM

    firstly, good to see you back!!!!!!! it sounds like things have been great :) also, i am right there w ya sister! i have been eating and drinking to my heart's delight, and put 10 lbs back on...working now to get those off and start moving back down again, so hopefully we can motivate each other!!!

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KPETSCHE 4/16/2014 1:15AM

Glad to see you back and Sparkin' - I'm sure you've been busy but it's been quite awhile! Good luck with everything that you have coming up.

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SUGAR0814 4/16/2014 12:30AM

    Hello my emoticon!! Glad to see you're back! I've missed reading your "tell-it-like-it-is" blogs. Praying for nothing but success for you & your family!! emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 4/15/2014 10:49PM

    emoticon It's good to see you again! I know you will reach your goals and you know you will reach your goals! I'm sure by the fall you will be announcing that you are going to be a mommy! Eat well, move often because emoticon

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SHRINKING_SARA 4/15/2014 8:07PM

    Good luck! Welcome back!

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SUSIEMT 4/15/2014 6:45PM

    Glad to see you back and good luck on your new goals!

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STLADEE 4/15/2014 5:41PM

    Hello and great to see you back! Positive thoughts and energy for you and your family! emoticon

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KTTAYLOR21 4/15/2014 4:03PM

    OMG!!! emoticon emoticon TONS!!! Exciting news!!! Derrell is about to land his dream job and you are about to lose 20 lbs and gain them all back for a great reason!!! At least you now know that you have an incompetent cervix and the Dr's can do the sirclog and help you have a healthy baby!! You and your family will remain in my prayers!! emoticon

So glad your BACK!!!! emoticon emoticon

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ADARKARA 4/15/2014 2:18PM


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KNH771 4/15/2014 2:05PM

    Prayers for your new goals! And emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/15/2014 1:00PM

    fingers crossed on hubby getting the job he wants i wont say fingers crossed for you re weight loss as i know you can do that.keep on keeping on emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 4/15/2014 12:52PM

    good luck with your goals and hopping your hubs gets his wish. emoticon

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when your mother doesn't like you

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I know many women have stressed relationships with their moms. Part of me thinks it may just be part of nature. However, I am reaching a point in my life where I must either decide to confront my mother or choose to walk away from her. If I had to qualify my reasons in the simplest terms, they would be:

1:) She is mean.
2.) She is rude.
3.) She says hurtful things to me, about me, and to others.
4.) She is competitive.
5.) She does not show love or affection.
6.) She has a dark and ugly spirit.

1.) When I say my mom is mean, she is like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. She LOOKS for ways to emoticon on your parade. She doesn't just do it to me, she is mean ALL THE TIME to EVERYONE. You could say "I love roses!" and she would reply, whether you were speaking to her or not, "I can't stand roses! They stink!" Yesterday my brother came home (he is living with my mom temporarily) and his 5 year old daughter was super-excited to see him and ran screaming to him as he entered the house. As they hugged, my mom yelled at my niece, "Calm down, Lynn! Your dad isn't Jesus, okay?!!" My cousin told me on Thanksgiving that she loved my Christmas tree and my mom says, "I think its plain." NO ONE ASKED YOU! emoticon

2.) I think her being rude is pretty evident from #1.

3.) Those that know me well know that I had a daughter that passed away at the young age of 19 months. Prior to her passing, she and I had to move back with my mom as my first husband and I divorced. (Sidenote: my mom did not hesitate to open her doors to myself and my daughter or my brother and for that, I give her credit and thanks) My daughter passed away on a Saturday morning. Our entire family spent the day in the hospital mourning with us until the coroner requested her body at 5 pm that evening. I cried and slept for 1 1/2 days before even getting up to shower or eat. When I did, my momstomped into the kitchen and said, "When are you going to get Alicia's stuff out of that room?" I was shocked and appalled. I told her that it would happen "no time soon". She then told me that Alicia's clothes were too nice to just donate and that my niece should get them.

4.) My mom competes with me about EVERYTHING. If I buy a 42"TV, she will try to buy a 50"TV. If I get a new car, she has a newer one the next month. This is not my perception, this really happens! The last 3 vehicles I have bought, she has gotten a new one within three weeks! She always tells me she is going to get the bigger, better version of whatever I get. Mind you, I no longer tell her when I am making any improvements in my life or home. I bought a new vehicle a week ago and said nothing to her. She ended up seeing it and gave me a full interrogation and now, she is "thinking about trading hers in."

5. The last time my mother hugged me for no apparent reason, without anyone else watching, without it being a holiday or birthday was when I was 7 years old. It was a Saturday in the springtime. She was wearing a gray swetshirt and jeans and was sitting on the arm of the couch. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was the last time I felt comfortable being touched by my mom.

6. I am a very spiritual person and so the fact that I have the relationship I have with my mother really hurts me to my core. Because I have always been connected with my spiritual side, I can sense when someone has a bad spirit. Being around my mother unsettles me. It is like my inner self is on high alert and it telling me "Be careful". My aunt came into my home with my mom when we first bought our house. She said she could feel God when she walked into our home; that her spirit was at peace and comfortable there. She ten said later that my mom feels "heavy" and that she could sense that my momwas unhappy and in turmoil. I sense it and I see it but I don't know what to do. I love my mom. She has intilled so much in me. She is dependable and is a hard worker. She would never, ever turn her back on me in the sense ofhelping with what she could if I needed it. On the flip side, she has tried since I have been a child to diminish my self-worth. At this point I don't know whether to address it with her and a third party and be met with her denial of the situation or to move on with my life. Honestly, I don't think that is the answer because I would never feel good about it. When your own mother (and father in my case) don't like you or want to be around you, it makes you feel rotten to the core. I am not a whole person until I deal with this. WHat should I do?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEATRIZ269 1/18/2014 6:33PM

    Dear Nikki:

I see that people have given you wonderful advice and I am truly sorry you have suffered through losing your daughter and also this situation. I also had a mother that physically provided food and shelter but couldn't afford to give any affection or connection to me so I totally identify with the story when you were 7 years old. This went on through my mid-thirties and then through me going through therapy I was able to change the way I related to her and wasn't quick to react to her. Somewhere somehow we started being able to communicate and suddenly and through my forties she has slowly become the mother I always craved and never thought I would have. It has been a long road but it can happen and like other people have said, it really had to do with her childhood and her general unhappiness. Since then, I have encouraged her to seek happiness in her life and I see that it has helped her become a more emotionally grounded person.

Life isn't perfect but family is family. I am sure she feels but somehow doesn't feel safe to be loving and God willing you were the blessing she received which may help her do that someday. I often say I mothered my mother so she can learn how to mother me.

May God continue to help you through this.

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MISSB8604 1/13/2014 12:51PM

    I don’t have the best of relationships with my father, so to a point I understand where you’re coming from. I highly recommend speaking with her and a third party OR simply confronting her in a controlled space with just the two of you around. You then must ask yourself if the relationship that you’re in is worth your time and your heart. If you feel it would be beneficial to your life, do the work to fix your relationship.

Did you mother have issues with her mother as a child? She sounds like she’s repeating what she may have felt like as a child on you. I’ve found out over the years that parents repeat what had been done to them when they were children both good AND bad. She seems angry and in a heck of a lot of pain, so she “shares” that with you. It’s not right, it’s not fair and you certainly don’t need it, but don’t forget to take into account what kind of childhood she may have had. When I think of how my Dad was treated and what he must have went through as a child, my attitude towards him softens a bit.

Pray on it and really ask yourself if you need/want a relationship with her. I have a feeling you already know the answer.

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DOINGMYWORK 1/10/2014 1:31PM

  My heart goes out to you ,

I too have lost a child(feb of 2013) I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear this about your Angel; your mom was very insensitive during your time of grief. It sounds like you love her, but can't be around her on a regular basis because of her personality. So here's a few suggestions:

1. Talk to her, really have a heart-to-heart with no one around and see where that leads you.

2. Write her a letter expressing a desire, need to feel her love and see how she responds.

3. Try to do an intervention with people she loves, and she respects an values their opinions -see if this can be the start to a new beginning.

If all of the above FAILS - YOU have to decide what is good & healthy for YOU. Because Poison spreads quickly and before you know it that toxic spirit can/will eat away @ your loving spirit.

PRAY, PRAY AND MORE PRAYER for Her, for you and for God to handle what you can not.

ps... you can love people from a distance if nothing helps in the immediate future.

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SARAL72 1/2/2014 3:03PM

    Dear Nikki

I know too well where you are coming from:

My mum is toxic, things got much worth after dad passed away 6 years ago, but I'm also realistic : she was always that way, it just got worth. I can't change her, she is too old. I was dealing with her crazy behavior for many years, trying to smooth things....but at the end, it never worked long term, and I was the only one making is not a one way street.

At some point, enough is enough and my duty is to protect my family. I realized last year that she was also trying her best to hurt the kids (the same way she did when I was a child), so I decided to stop talking to her.

My husband and I love to travel and that's why we worked overseas for the past ten years. But soon we will have to go back to work in Paris for a couple of years, she will be a few miles away and I know she will try her best to ruin my life. I will just change my locks and keep her away.

Many people in our family don't talk to her (I actually don't know who's still talking to her today! probably nobody) and they told me for years they didn't know how I managed to cope with her awful behavior. patience had limits, and it had been reached!
It is sad...but life is too short, and my priority in life is my husband and children's happiness. If for that I need to cut out my mother from our life's, it's fine with me.

I did try almost everything (except therapy she refused) before getting there, so I have no regrets.

I really hope things will work out better for you and your mum, but you just got married, you need to think about your own family first.
Take care

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NATURALSHAPELY 12/30/2013 6:59PM

    i pray you come to a resolution that is healthy for you, whether that is no contact at all or limited.

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GEORGE815 12/24/2013 4:57PM

    Sorry for your loss and your Mom's way of treating you. It must be difficult on both of you.

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1DERLAND14 12/21/2013 9:05PM

    I struggle with the some of the issues you do, but my mom tries to hide it in front of others more than yours does. So that everyone will think she is so great!

What Iv'e had to do is not let the things she does get to me. I have realized that I cannot control her actions or how she lives her life. As my mother needs some serious conseling to deal with issues from her sounds like your mother does too. Until she accepts/realizes the person she is there is nothing can you can do about it. I spent my entire life trying to live up to her standards and please her and was always disappointed when I didn't live up. That is no way to live! You are a newlywed and have an amazing husband by your side.

I know it is easy for me to say, "Don't let it get to you" but you have to be able to let it go. Your peace and happiness is what matters. While you cannot control can control YOU and what you accept.

Much love to you girl!

Merry Christmas!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FITWITHIN 12/20/2013 8:33PM

    Your mother needs some counseling for issues that she has experienced in her life. It sounds really deep rooted, however she probably would never admit it. My husband has an uncle like that when he see that somebody has something new. I remember when we bought our house many years ago; after having 3 family members pass away in a 2 1/2 week period. We felt it was a good idea to have a cookout to ease the pain everyone was feeling. When this uncle got here it didn't even speak, but proceeded to walk thorough our house and stayed for about 45 minutes and left. So, there are people you can change, because they have to do it themselves. You just keep being the good natured person that you are and live your life to the fullest. However, the next time see is rude to you. You need to address it right then and then. Take care

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PRESBESS 12/20/2013 5:14PM

    I am sooo sorry to hear about the negative relationship with your mom. There is a reason she is the way she is and probably stems from her childhood. How was her relationship with her mom? How was her childhood? She is a wounded woman and it displays itself in her relationships.

You may want to purchase the book, "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yorkevich. It's an exellent book. In the meantime, put up boundaries so that she knows that she can no longer treat you any kind of way. You may have to redifine her in your life.

Also, if you feel you are in need of "mom love" you may want to consider intentionally establishing or strenghtening a relationship with an older woman for support, hugs, love and a shoulder to lean on, etc, in a mom kind of way. Of course she will never take the place of mom, but she can serve as an addition to your life in a mom kind of way.

Lastly, pray for your mom and know when you see her, you are looking at a very wounded soul.

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KTTAYLOR21 12/20/2013 3:45PM

    Pray, pray, and pray some more. Keep picturing that day at 7 when your Mom hugged you. And start initiating hugs with her. Keep evoking blessings her way. You can only control you and fortunately you are smart enough to not ALLOW your parents to AFFECT YOUR SPIRIT!! Your validation does not come from the outside (your mom or dad) your validation comes from WITHIN! You have Derrell now and THAT'S ALL THAT MATTER!! Your Mom and Dad are miserable people, and let them KEEP that energy! It's too bad, because their life will be over and they will not have LIVED!! But you can live and love and enjoy your life!! Set boundaries like BITSNPIECES38 said. Gave excellent advice on you setting your limits.

Set your limits
Hold her in prayer and send her your blessing.

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43MELANIE 12/20/2013 12:09AM

    emoticon I am so sorry for what you've been through. With my mum I had to choose to walk away. Even minimal exposure to her would change me for several days afterwards. It wasn't fair to those that really love me. Best of luck to you, whatever your choice. You deserve peace.

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BITSNPIECES38 12/19/2013 2:58PM

    You have another choice besides confronting her or walking away, and it's an option that puts you squarely in control of your contact. From an outsider's perspective, and given this small glimpse of your mom, I would take it as a given that she will be resistant to change if it is anyone's idea but hers. So it's on you, rightly or not.

My suggestion: define to yourself what your boundaries are. Where is the line? Do you have different lines for different people? Like, if she says one or two things about you or your brother you can let it slide, but your husband is absolutely off limits? Take time to write them down. And then write down the consequence or action you are willing to take, consistently, every time a particular boundary is breached. Like: I will make a comment and leave the room; I will leave the house/venue; I will give my niece a compliment/hug whenever X happens, etc. But they must be things that you commit to yourself that you will do. Because, really, this is about you: what kind of treatment will you accept, and how will you protect yourself if you're being treated otherwise. Accepting that you are actually in control is your biggest challenge, given the dynamic of the mother/daughter relationship, etc.

You don't need to confront your mom. You don't even need to tell her what you are doing or why you are doing it (but you could, decide that during your action planning). It is possible if you don't outline it for her, she will notice and later confront you about why you took whatever action you took. Journal out different dialogues about how those scenarios might play out.

Take some time to write out more about what you do understand of who she is. Did she have large challenges growing up? Abuse? Neglect? Prematurely tasked with heavy responsibilities? When she opens her home, is that her way of showing love? Is she all bad? None of this is to excuse how she treats you, but to allow you to really be fair if she provokes a confrontation. You'll respect yourself more by being fair to her. For example, in your first scene with your brother and niece, if your mom was raised that children are seen and not heard, and you're fair about that understanding of her, you can conclude that's actually a little sad for her. She never had the freedom of expression your niece does. She never got to fling herself into her daddy's arms and act with abandonment when she was a little girl. You can't change that for your mom, just accept it is what it is. You have the opportunity to step up into the hug zone with your brother and niece, scoop up your niece, and exclaim how blessed it makes your family to have such unconditional love expressed so freely and with so much joy! And when you do, it's not about your mom and her negativity anymore at all, it's about the positivity you want in your life. Control what you can control - that includes what treatment you'll accept from your mom and reinforcing love in your life.

Sorry for so long a post - I very much relate to your post and the keys just started flying off the keyboard! My best to you on your journey. Chin up!!

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VERSESTHATHURT 12/19/2013 10:51AM

    I am so sorry your mom is like that! It sounds like she's a narcissist. You might want to check out the RaisedByNarcissists group on Reddit. They often recommend going low contact or no contact with family members like that.

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STRONG_SARAH 12/19/2013 8:41AM

    Wow, that's a powerful blog. Our relationships with our mother's are so complicated, aren't they. If you cut her out of your life are you going to tell her? Or just sort of fade away and stop taking her phone calls? If you are planning on doing the first, here's what I would do. First, hand her (or mail her) the blog you've just written. Tell her you'd be willing to go to therapy with her to salvage your relationship. Sounds like couples therapy, I know, but some would argue your relationship with your Mom is more important than a spouse, so it may be worth it.
Unless she's willing to change though you may find her unreceptive. At least you would know you tried. I'm so sorry she's not the Mom you deserve. Good luck to you.

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MARINEMAMA 12/19/2013 4:50AM


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SUGAR0814 12/19/2013 12:57AM

    I'm praying for you Nikki. The only thing I can recommend at this moment is to love her from a distance. emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 12/18/2013 11:09PM

    Unfortunately some people are just "that way." It seems like they are very unhappy with themselves and their life. It really has nothing to do with you, although it may seem like it does. Is it easy, NO.

I have found that it is up to you. I've learned that you can either ignore them, avoid them or forgive them. The last one is for you. Is it easy, NO. However, it really makes your life happier.

Unfortunately, you have to decide which of the above are best of you. Remember this isn't about your mom, at this point, it's about you and how you want to live your life. Meditate, pray, read. Do what it takes to come to terms with what is best for YOU. Good luck and emoticon

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DEBIGENE 12/18/2013 10:10PM

    I couldn't not comment as I have always had a strained relationship with my mom as well. This is how I've coped.
She is a very unhappy lady and with all good reason after I understood and accepted why, something she to this day has never done. As a result of her lack of love and affection as a child she has been unable to share it herself; at least in a way that I NEEDED and WANTED. I have prayed for years over it and once I gave it all up to the Lord to take from me Now I am able to accept her as she is and recognize and when she is giving. Yes it still hurts at times but now I can blow it off much easier. She will be 77 years in Feb and is not a healthy woman and I still pray that I will know, really know, and feel her love before she dies.

Try to find a way is all I can say. and I will keep you in thought and prayer.

Merry Christmas and may 2014 bring gentleness to your life with mom. emoticon

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MAMAJAHMAI 12/18/2013 7:57PM

    Don't stop praying. Don't stop interceding on her behalf. The devil is a liar. Pray for her. Keep praying....fight in the spirit for her. Ask Jesus to cut her loose from her bondage(s) ((Hugs)) God keep and strengthen you.

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STEVIEBEE569 12/18/2013 7:47PM

    I pray God will give you wisdom as you come to grips with the decision you have to make for yourself. I do pray that God opens your mother's eyes to see what she is doing. Continue to lean on Him for guidance & understanding.

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HDHAWK 12/18/2013 7:13PM

    As hard as this is, I don't think it's about you. You said she treats everyone this way. I'm sorry for what she said about your daughter. That's completely out of line. If you want to confront her I'd probably do it with a 3rd party only because I don't think she'll "hear" you if you try to do it alone. I think your mom is a very unhappy person and she builds herself up by buying things and putting other people down. I'd spend as little time with her as possible.

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 12/18/2013 6:53PM

    It took me until my 40's before my mom really started appreciating me. We don't live close. When she was rude on the phone I would tell her I had to go and I wouldn't talk to her for awhile. I think my tough love discipline helped to teach her manners. I won't put up with bad behavior. Over the years we have grown closer, but it's taken many years.

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SHRINKING_SARA 12/18/2013 6:19PM

    I am sort of in this situation. My mom is certifiably nuts… and I'm living with her. She goes out of her way to make things hard sometimes, or to say comments that are mean, or even ruin a plan I've had in place for months that she knows about. I can't get away, but space is the best cure for this. When you don't have to interact, just stay away. It seems like you're already doing it, but that's the only thing that seems to work for me. Time and distance.

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SUSIEMT 12/18/2013 6:18PM

    Nikki Please do yourself a huge favor and work through this so you can continue on with your life. Right now you are letting your mother have so much power over you. You do need to love her and here is that big need to learn to deal with it. Make sure you check out that link ADARKARA left you it may point you in the right direction. If not, start therapy, a good counselor can work wonders. As always keep up the great work you are doing and have a wonderful Christmas. (Maybe not visit your mother this year)

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JUSTYNA7 12/18/2013 5:18PM

    Hmmm. I am 53 years old and only this year did I finally admit that my relationship with my father is abusive. I found some very good advice. We can choose to spend time with these people if we want to...but we have the right to a safe place and to not be abused. My father is no longer allowed in my house and I will not spend time with him alone, and I will not spend time with he and my mother with just me or just me and my DH. I have agreed to be in the same room with him at functions but I don't make an effort to talk beyond small talk. It is amazing how much stronger I am feeling. Sad too. I have forgiven him but that does not mean that I will put myself in a postion to be belittled or made to feel less of a person. There are consequences of course. My father has had a history of being very generous financially. I have now paid him back every penny that he has given me and any financial gifts from now on I am putting into our family cottage where everyone can benefit. I don't want to influence my kids' relationship but they say that he already did that. He is a bitter and selfish man when it comes to family. Very very sad. What I do know is that no one in the world treats me like he treats me and I do not have to be treated like that. Good luck figuring out what to do with your mother. You deserve to be safe and be loved unconditionally. It is too bad that she is unable to provide that.

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STONECOT 12/18/2013 5:03PM

    You mum sounds a very unhappy woman. Perhaps she's jealous of you, young, pretty and with most of your life in front of you. Perhaps she's afraid to show love or tenderness because that would make her vulnerable, perhaps some time in her life, someone took advantage of her and hurt her when she showed love. I don't think that confronting her would help, least not in an angry way. You could try quietly dropping comments into your conversations to her. 'Why are you always so negative?' Or 'I wish you wouldn't say things like that, they're hurtful' then walking away. She's tough by habit, it would take a lot to change her, but she would never understand if you cut her out of your life completely, it would just confirm her in her idea that loving hurts.

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ADARKARA 12/18/2013 4:34PM

    I had a lousy relationship with my adoptive mom before I decided to cut her out of my life. She is toxic, and I'm not the only person in her life who has completely stopped speaking to her (one of her brothers AND her sister don't speak to her). My step-mom, who had a lousy relationship with her parents also, recommended a book to me. It's called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life". Here is the link:

It really helped me to figure out what to do about it.


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DIANAOR1 12/18/2013 4:16PM

    I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog and that I'm praying for you.


You made such a beautiful bride. Try to continue to be positive and pray for your Mom. She needs a lot of prayer in her life. Perhaps it is something that is keeping her down and pouring it out onto you. I don't really know just trying to make sense and sometimes it doesn't make sense. I'm sure it can be very disheartening.

I'm sorry about your little girl!

emoticon emoticon

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MLEHTO 12/18/2013 4:14PM

    I understand your feelings. Before my mother passed, she was not a nice person. Much of the same experiences you have had with yours.

What worked for me was to limit my exposure to her. I lived 300 miles away at the time so not seeing her frequently was not difficult. Confronting my mother was not an option as she was an alcoholic and I didn't feel it would make a difference.

It took me awhile but I learned to not take her actions personally and accept the fact that though I loved her as my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and raised me to be the woman I am, I didn't like her as a person. I had to accept that if I wasn't related to her by blood, I probably wouldn't have her in my life. That was hard to accept at first. She was my mother. But when I finally I did, I found I could visit her, speak with her on the phone and generally have her in my life on a limited basis.

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a tummy bug, bingeing on Christmas goodies and a fun Girl's Night

Monday, December 16, 2013

I have been feeling like crap the past two days. I don't think its the flu because there isn't the vomitting and diarrhea but I definitely feel less than myself. Nonetheless, I moved ahead with my Girl's Christmas Potluck Party. There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING healthy at this party. I ate nachos, chicken wings and red velvet cheesecake swirl brownies. I didn't eat a ton of it and didn't eat much else due to my tummy issues but this morning, was a different story. BINGE, BINGE, BINGE. Bad idea to leave any sweets around me. Here is a pic from last night

We played White Elephant and I added two new scarves to my growing scarf colletion. The gift I bought for the exchange was a major hit and got stolen twice. In other news: this weekend I will be registering my hubby and I for a half marathon on May 4th.

That is a quick little update. Love ya folks!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STELLASMYBEBE 12/18/2013 11:33AM


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GEORGE815 12/17/2013 7:48PM

    Sorry for your grief. We are having a Christmas work party soon. I am not participating in either the white elephant exchange or the ugly sweater contest. Hope to eat sensible and enjoy my colleagues company though.

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CAROLYN0107 12/17/2013 2:46PM

    Sorry you've not been feeling well. We have our White Elephant party on New Year's Eve.

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JEANNETTE59 12/17/2013 10:26AM

emoticon on the half marathon!

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SUGAR0814 12/17/2013 12:06AM

    You ladies look great! emoticon I hope you feel better. Have you taken a pregnancy test? That's the first thing that came to my mind. emoticon emoticon

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SUSIEMT 12/16/2013 7:12PM

    Good for you girl. The half marathon that is. How long have you been training for it? Good luck to you and I will be keeping an eye out for updates on your training. You go girl!

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JAMBABY0 12/16/2013 6:01PM

    Sounds like you had fun

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Lo Siento Mis Amigos!!!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

HELLLLOOO!!! I must apologize for my Spark Sabbatical. There were many reasons for it:
1.) Got married, got happy, got lazy
2.) Gym dates with the hubby became newlywed cuddle sessions on the couch
3.) Work has gotten busier on both jobs
4.) I was too ashamed
5.) I began a different journey: becoming one with my natural hair without weaves.

Let's begin with #1. MARRIED LIFE IS AWESOME. . . .when you marry the right person. I have been married before and it SUCKED. I like to refer to it as my Brittney Spears marriage; it was over before it started. Being married to Derrell is the best decision I have ever made. We got our wedding video back recently and we sat and watched it. It made me cry all over again just hearing our vowes. I am super excited for our future together.

2. As you can see in the above posted picture, gym dates became snuggle dates. I personally have not been to the gym almost at all since our wedding, with a few exceptions. When I am on the road for work, I workout like clockwork; there is nothing else to do! Also, I joined a bootcamp program so I go to these private classes 4-5 days a week and do one hour of high-intensity workouts. I also take the steps everywhere! Last month my hotel room was on the 9th floor. For four days I took the stairs to and from my room everytime. Man, that was a workout!

3. OMG work is crazy! My partner retired and the higher-ups will not replace him. I have had projects galore and when you add that on to having my part-time serving job, I am constantly on the go. Thankfully, I have decided after nearly 11 years serving tables, my last day will be April 14th.

4. I have been too ashamed to admit that I have gained 10 pounds from my all-time lowest weight. Hold up, I JUST ADMITTED IT!!! I did not want to be one of those chicks that are Sparking it out until their wedding and disappear just to reappear 40 lbs heavier. The weight has all went to my gut. It is disgusting looking. But I am not discouraged. I have my whole life to deal with this beast and once I tame the beast, I have to keep it chained down. I am comfortable right now, but I enjoyed myself more 10 lbs ago. I am focusing on getting back THERE rather than somewhere else.

5. Some of you may understand this, most may not. I have been transitioning my previously relaxed hair (chemically straightened) to my natural hair over the past 15 months. I had been paying hundreds and hundreds of dollars (ultimately over a thousand) to wear weaves (extensions) to make me feel pretty and to make me feel accepted as I grew the chemicals out of my hair. One day, I decided I was just going to go for it. I cut the weave out and the next day I stepped out a new woman:

No one at my corporate job said anything. NOTHING. I was shocked and slightly offended. After wearing all of these long weaves for nearly two years, it is obvious I have changed. I took it as a silent disapproval. I did have some girls that had already been natural come and find me to give me encouragement and tell me how good it looked. That helped. That same night I had to wait tables and I had no clue the response I would get. I work in an upper-middle class part of town where the majority of my customers do not look like me. Well whatever response I did not get at my day job, they more than made up for at my evening job. As soon as I walked in my co-workers were saying things like, "Wow!" "I love it!" "You look so young, cute and fresh!" "I WANT THAT HAIR!!" One girl told me that if she didn't know me, she would think I was the most confident, fun-loving girl ever and she would want to know more. I was blown away. AND THE CUSTOMERS!!! In ten years I have NEVER made that type of money. One or two commented, telling me they loved my fro. But the big surprise was in the tips. One guy tipped me $53 on a $47 bill!! In 4 hours I made $168 in tips and it wasn't a crazy busy night. It was like they were unknowingly telling me that I can make this transition and everything will be okay. After that night I began experimenting a little. Here is my "Rihanna" Style.

Well I have some catching up to do. Thank you to all of you who stopped to check in on me. I pray your SPark Journeys are going well. I don't know how often I will be around, but I will definitely be here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOINGMYWORK 12/18/2013 12:17PM

  Glad to see you back! Love the hair, girl rock your natural and save that money for getaways with the hubby lol.

I assumed right that your were enjoying martial bliss, its a wonderful club to be in, when you have your soulmate to share it with. Enjoy!!!!

see you when we do...

ps... you'll take that weight off with all they running around your doing lol

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MISSB8604 12/17/2013 11:17AM

    Girl, your hair is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so proud of you and am so glad to hear you're doing well. Don't let that 10lbs get to you, I have no doubt you'll be where you want to be eventually. One thing I've learned with this journey is that it takes TIME and you simply cannot rush things.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

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KPETSCHE 12/17/2013 12:56AM

    Just thought of you the other day as I drove past your "alternate work place" and was hoping that everything was going well. I LOVE your new hair style! I, too, have been struggling with the lbs going on and not coming off but it's been tough to stay motivated to get out and exercise when it's been so bitter cold. Enjoy your married life and just keep working on what you've been doing. Congrats on coming up with a stop date on the extra job - I'm not sure how you get everything done.

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STLADEE 12/15/2013 11:08PM

    Hey Nikki! Just stopping by SP to say hi to a few people! I see the wedding went great! You were a beautiful bride! Congrats. You will get back to it and lose it in no time. Also big ups on the natural hair journey! I stopped relaxing my hair years ago but its only been the last two years I have been more aware of how to treat my curls.

I have five more weeks left til I have my baby and I will be back to give a blog update and then back fulltime once I get cleared by the Dr.
Have a wonderful holiday and see you in the New Year! emoticon

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SHRINKING_SARA 12/15/2013 9:42PM

    love the hair!

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ALICIALYNNE 12/14/2013 11:25AM

    YAY for married life!

LOL on the responses to your hair. I know a few women who wear theirs natural like that. Now that I think about it, they do tend to come across as more "funky" and "fun-loving" than a lot of women I know who wear weaves. As a white girl, it was amazing to me as a kid to go over to my black friend's house and see how much of a PITA it was to deal with her hair - hours and hours of washing, styling, hot combs... she is one of the ones who now goes au naturale.

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MJREIMERS 12/13/2013 11:19PM

    I'm so happy that you are happy! You and Derrell look emoticon together! Life is great!

I LOVE your hair. I am trying to go "natural" with my hair, which means no flat ironing. I'd love to have your hair!!!

Glad to hear from you! Stop in a little more often!

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MBEEMOM 12/13/2013 2:00PM

    Glad you are back and your hair is beautiful!

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LILSHINE 12/13/2013 8:54AM

    Oh my prayers have been answered!!! I was hoping and praying that you and your hubby were okay! Its so strange how you can care about someone you don't really know but when they disappear you're like "are they okay"!

I know the feeling on that natural hair journey. I've been natural for like 4 years but I never wear my natural hair out due to some balding I experience from bad case of anemia. I'm still working on growing those areas back. I switch my hair up so much with wigs/weaves/extensions that my co-workers are always excited to see what I do next. I find people different than me are fascinated while those like me are like "you always doing something with that hair of yours...I'm jelly" (fun way). I think the biggest thing is when I tell some that I'm wearing a wig...utter shock is usally what I find it amusing especially when they're of a differenct race and I tell them they can borrow it any time. Most look like a deer in headlights because they actually think its my hair.

Hon you're blessed and your light was shining I'm sure to your customers and they couldn't help but blessed you mightily. I'm sure that love of a newly married woman was radiating as well.

You look fabulous, embarace it and keep moving forward. Wishing you and the hubby/family a very Merry Christmas!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 12/13/2013 7:09AM

    it looks great love i am trying to get my friend to do the same thing as you.she is an out of work single mom and pays a fortune to have her hair domne wiotzh extentions is money she can´t afford her kids are going without braces so her hair looks european shall we say.i think i am slowly getting through to her only time will tell.can i show her this blog next time she comes to visit.i wont if you don´t want me too.proud of you love for coming back now instead of waiting for the new year. emoticon

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SUGAR0814 12/13/2013 12:16AM

    I'm so glad you blogged. I was just speaking about you to one of my friends. She said I spoke of you as if I've known you for years. LOL I glad you're enjoying being married!! Love the hair! Take care & keep in touch! emoticon emoticon

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STEPH-KNEE 12/12/2013 9:42PM

    I am so excited to hear from you!! I have gained 10 pounds since Halloween from my lowest weight, and I haven't even been busy like you have... just busy eating LOL. So I am glad you are no longer ashamed because there is nothing to be ashamed about. I'm glad that you got your accountability in and are moving forward. I have no doubts the 10 pounds will be gone fairly soon. I also love your comment about "taming the beast" and once it is tamed you need to "chain it down". I am going to start thinking of it that way. I am at a point where I just wish I was done with weight loss. Now you and I both know this is FOREVER (that is why we are awesome ;)), but I am so ready to be at maintenance phase and maintaining a body I WANT. Right now I feel like I am working TOWARDS the body I want, and that is not nearly as fun as maintaining it and already having it. But I also feel (like you said) that there is no hurry or time limit to get this weight off.

And your hair... oh boy! You are stunning short hair, long hair, curly hair, straight hair, I'll go out on a limb and say even with no hair because you are just naturally gorgeous. I loved the cute curly hair, it definitely was young and fun... and when I saw your Rhianna look I literally mumbled "sexy" out loud. I mumbled it because I'm at work and I don't need people to think I'm checking out women at work LOL... but you seriously look down right sexy! Work it girl!! emoticon

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NATURALSHAPELY 12/12/2013 6:36PM

    oh you are so fun and i love the natural look! you look GREAT! congrats on your marriage.

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ALLIEALLIE2 12/12/2013 5:17PM

    En Espanol huh??? Glad to hear you are doing well! Figured you were just busy being a newlywed and all. I love your hair it looks great and truth be told when you have a gorgeous face like yours you can rock any hairstyle! emoticon

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REGILIEH 12/12/2013 4:13PM

    You are so cute and adorable however you wear your hair!



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SUSIEMT 12/12/2013 3:39PM

    Nikki I love your hair! I didn't recognize that girl in the striped top! I thought who is that cute girl! In fact I thought gee she looks like my cousin! Who is very very cute!
I guess in your case you gained the freshman 10 #'s! LOL You have been working out like a mad woman girl! Keep up the good work! Those bootcamps are murder, I know that from first hand experience. Keep at it dear you will get rid of that 10 #'s!

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KTTAYLOR21 12/12/2013 3:24PM

    Your hair is CUTE!!! Embrace it!! I adore the Rhianna hair due! Thats really really cute!!

The picture of you and Derrell lounging is sssssoooo cute. That is a framable picture. Glad you both are happy! emoticon

OH and emoticon TONS!!! Was excited to see your blog emoticon

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KNH771 12/12/2013 2:33PM

    I love the hair! I keep playing with the idea of going natural myself, but it has been relaxed almost my entire life, and I just don't know where to begin. At work it probably wasn't disapproval, but fear. Nobody wants to say the wrong thing! emoticon

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ADARKARA 12/12/2013 2:17PM

    I think your hair is SUPER CUTE!!!

I think the fact that you only gained 10 lbs after getting married is commendable! You're coming back soon enough to 'fix' that!

Missed you!

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SENNAIRA 12/12/2013 2:00PM

  I love your hair!!!

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STELLASMYBEBE 12/12/2013 1:15PM

    It is perfectly understandable :) You put yourself back on the right path and that is whats important.
And, I love your hair! So cute ;-)

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