Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I know many women have stressed relationships with their moms. Part of me thinks it may just be part of nature. However, I am reaching a point in my life where I must either decide to confront my mother or choose to walk away from her. If I had to qualify my reasons in the simplest terms, they would be:
1:) She is mean.
2.) She is rude.
3.) She says hurtful things to me, about me, and to others.
4.) She is competitive.
5.) She does not show love or affection.
6.) She has a dark and ugly spirit.
1.) When I say my mom is mean, she is like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. She LOOKS for ways to on your parade. She doesn't just do it to me, she is mean ALL THE TIME to EVERYONE. You could say "I love roses!" and she would reply, whether you were speaking to her or not, "I can't stand roses! They stink!" Yesterday my brother came home (he is living with my mom temporarily) and his 5 year old daughter was super-excited to see him and ran screaming to him as he entered the house. As they hugged, my mom yelled at my niece, "Calm down, Lynn! Your dad isn't Jesus, okay?!!" My cousin told me on Thanksgiving that she loved my Christmas tree and my mom says, "I think its plain." NO ONE ASKED YOU!
2.) I think her being rude is pretty evident from #1.
3.) Those that know me well know that I had a daughter that passed away at the young age of 19 months. Prior to her passing, she and I had to move back with my mom as my first husband and I divorced. (Sidenote: my mom did not hesitate to open her doors to myself and my daughter or my brother and for that, I give her credit and thanks) My daughter passed away on a Saturday morning. Our entire family spent the day in the hospital mourning with us until the coroner requested her body at 5 pm that evening. I cried and slept for 1 1/2 days before even getting up to shower or eat. When I did, my momstomped into the kitchen and said, "When are you going to get Alicia's stuff out of that room?" I was shocked and appalled. I told her that it would happen "no time soon". She then told me that Alicia's clothes were too nice to just donate and that my niece should get them.
4.) My mom competes with me about EVERYTHING. If I buy a 42"TV, she will try to buy a 50"TV. If I get a new car, she has a newer one the next month. This is not my perception, this really happens! The last 3 vehicles I have bought, she has gotten a new one within three weeks! She always tells me she is going to get the bigger, better version of whatever I get. Mind you, I no longer tell her when I am making any improvements in my life or home. I bought a new vehicle a week ago and said nothing to her. She ended up seeing it and gave me a full interrogation and now, she is "thinking about trading hers in."
5. The last time my mother hugged me for no apparent reason, without anyone else watching, without it being a holiday or birthday was when I was 7 years old. It was a Saturday in the springtime. She was wearing a gray swetshirt and jeans and was sitting on the arm of the couch. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was the last time I felt comfortable being touched by my mom.
6. I am a very spiritual person and so the fact that I have the relationship I have with my mother really hurts me to my core. Because I have always been connected with my spiritual side, I can sense when someone has a bad spirit. Being around my mother unsettles me. It is like my inner self is on high alert and it telling me "Be careful". My aunt came into my home with my mom when we first bought our house. She said she could feel God when she walked into our home; that her spirit was at peace and comfortable there. She ten said later that my mom feels "heavy" and that she could sense that my momwas unhappy and in turmoil. I sense it and I see it but I don't know what to do. I love my mom. She has intilled so much in me. She is dependable and is a hard worker. She would never, ever turn her back on me in the sense ofhelping with what she could if I needed it. On the flip side, she has tried since I have been a child to diminish my self-worth. At this point I don't know whether to address it with her and a third party and be met with her denial of the situation or to move on with my life. Honestly, I don't think that is the answer because I would never feel good about it. When your own mother (and father in my case) don't like you or want to be around you, it makes you feel rotten to the core. I am not a whole person until I deal with this. WHat should I do?
Monday, December 16, 2013
I have been feeling like crap the past two days. I don't think its the flu because there isn't the vomitting and diarrhea but I definitely feel less than myself. Nonetheless, I moved ahead with my Girl's Christmas Potluck Party. There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING healthy at this party. I ate nachos, chicken wings and red velvet cheesecake swirl brownies. I didn't eat a ton of it and didn't eat much else due to my tummy issues but this morning, was a different story. BINGE, BINGE, BINGE. Bad idea to leave any sweets around me. Here is a pic from last night
We played White Elephant and I added two new scarves to my growing scarf colletion. The gift I bought for the exchange was a major hit and got stolen twice. In other news: this weekend I will be registering my hubby and I for a half marathon on May 4th.
That is a quick little update. Love ya folks!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
HELLLLOOO!!! I must apologize for my Spark Sabbatical. There were many reasons for it:
1.) Got married, got happy, got lazy
2.) Gym dates with the hubby became newlywed cuddle sessions on the couch
3.) Work has gotten busier on both jobs
4.) I was too ashamed
5.) I began a different journey: becoming one with my natural hair without weaves.
Let's begin with #1. MARRIED LIFE IS AWESOME. . . .when you marry the right person. I have been married before and it SUCKED. I like to refer to it as my Brittney Spears marriage; it was over before it started. Being married to Derrell is the best decision I have ever made. We got our wedding video back recently and we sat and watched it. It made me cry all over again just hearing our vowes. I am super excited for our future together.
2. As you can see in the above posted picture, gym dates became snuggle dates. I personally have not been to the gym almost at all since our wedding, with a few exceptions. When I am on the road for work, I workout like clockwork; there is nothing else to do! Also, I joined a bootcamp program so I go to these private classes 4-5 days a week and do one hour of high-intensity workouts. I also take the steps everywhere! Last month my hotel room was on the 9th floor. For four days I took the stairs to and from my room everytime. Man, that was a workout!
3. OMG work is crazy! My partner retired and the higher-ups will not replace him. I have had projects galore and when you add that on to having my part-time serving job, I am constantly on the go. Thankfully, I have decided after nearly 11 years serving tables, my last day will be April 14th.
4. I have been too ashamed to admit that I have gained 10 pounds from my all-time lowest weight. Hold up, I JUST ADMITTED IT!!! I did not want to be one of those chicks that are Sparking it out until their wedding and disappear just to reappear 40 lbs heavier. The weight has all went to my gut. It is disgusting looking. But I am not discouraged. I have my whole life to deal with this beast and once I tame the beast, I have to keep it chained down. I am comfortable right now, but I enjoyed myself more 10 lbs ago. I am focusing on getting back THERE rather than somewhere else.
5. Some of you may understand this, most may not. I have been transitioning my previously relaxed hair (chemically straightened) to my natural hair over the past 15 months. I had been paying hundreds and hundreds of dollars (ultimately over a thousand) to wear weaves (extensions) to make me feel pretty and to make me feel accepted as I grew the chemicals out of my hair. One day, I decided I was just going to go for it. I cut the weave out and the next day I stepped out a new woman:
No one at my corporate job said anything. NOTHING. I was shocked and slightly offended. After wearing all of these long weaves for nearly two years, it is obvious I have changed. I took it as a silent disapproval. I did have some girls that had already been natural come and find me to give me encouragement and tell me how good it looked. That helped. That same night I had to wait tables and I had no clue the response I would get. I work in an upper-middle class part of town where the majority of my customers do not look like me. Well whatever response I did not get at my day job, they more than made up for at my evening job. As soon as I walked in my co-workers were saying things like, "Wow!" "I love it!" "You look so young, cute and fresh!" "I WANT THAT HAIR!!" One girl told me that if she didn't know me, she would think I was the most confident, fun-loving girl ever and she would want to know more. I was blown away. AND THE CUSTOMERS!!! In ten years I have NEVER made that type of money. One or two commented, telling me they loved my fro. But the big surprise was in the tips. One guy tipped me $53 on a $47 bill!! In 4 hours I made $168 in tips and it wasn't a crazy busy night. It was like they were unknowingly telling me that I can make this transition and everything will be okay. After that night I began experimenting a little. Here is my "Rihanna" Style.
Well I have some catching up to do. Thank you to all of you who stopped to check in on me. I pray your SPark Journeys are going well. I don't know how often I will be around, but I will definitely be here.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Finding your focus after being on this journey for 17 months can be difficult. There is a saying that anything you do for 21 days becomes habit. I would like to be the first one to dispute that finding. While some things are truly second nature, I have to remind myself every other second to do what I KNOW I should be doing because everything in my being is telling me to rebel against it. 21 days cannot undo 28 years of unhealthy. 17 months can't either. What it CAN do is make me much more prepared to handle those moments when I my instinct is telling me to binge or skip a workout. Thankfully, after nearly a year and a half of healthy living, the NEW me, the food scale devotee, the let's do another mile, the that is too sweet and/or too salty me, the I love the taste of zucchini me, is winning out over the old me 85% of the time. I have to remind myself of this because often, I am discouraged by me frequent back-sliding. I tell myself, "You know better!" I have a friend that always says that if you KNOW better than you would DO better. If only it were that simple.
In my intermittent absence from Spark, I had to do some soul searching. I found myself gaining and losing the same few pounds. More importantly, I found myself disenchanted. Updating my Spark Page with a new uplifting background or writing an insightful blog was no longer doing it for me. Pixie dust and encouraging words only goes so far for so long. At some point, you have to ask yourself: Is this worth it anymore? In order to answer that, I had to step away from Spark because I needed to give myself an honest answer, not one motivated by someone else's weight loss. So often I think many of our blogs are written in a way to convince OURSELVES to believe that we are okay with a little weight gain here or there, or that the journey is easy peasy, or that we are doing this for "health" reasons. A lot of that is true but what most of us really want to say is "Gaining five pounds after working my a$$ off sucks and I am pi$$ed and I want to eat the first cupcake or skinny person I see!" But you don't get voted Spark Motivator for psycho blogs like that so we paint this process to be pretty. I can't handle too much pretty.
In my time away I realized that not only do I WANT this, but I NEED this. I NEED to be healthy and it is no longer good enough for me to dial it in because the supporters around me are telling me how great I look at my current size. I am not as healthy as I could be. I have work that needs to be done. I WANT and DESERVE to be a mother. Considering my medical history, I MUST get my body as healthy and strong as I possibly can before I can consider motherhood. This journey is so much more than fitting a pair of jeans and honestly, when I began this journey, the new jeans and the new wardrobe were my motivation, and that is okay. At some point, that won't be enough anymore. Although Spark's new Start Page is wacky and confusing, writing out my goals today helped me refocus. It also encouraged me because 515 days into this journey, the struggle is still real but that does not have to stop me, and it WILL NOT stop me.
Me, in the center, with friends
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Last night I had the most fabulously healthy and scrumptious dinner. I had fresh salmon (beautifully pink and marbled, thick cuts) roasted in a bag. I sliced yellow squash, zucchini, red potatoes and red peppers, tossed them with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper and placed the salmon on top. I seasoned the fish and put sliced lemons on top. I sealed the parchment paper bag and let it roast for 30 minutes. IT WAS EUPHORIA. There is something about eating fresh, clean, simply prepared food. I don't know why I don't do it more often.
And that is where the Hamburger Helper comes in. WE ARE BROKE. Not slightly broke. ALL the way broke. We are in the midst of refinancing our mortgage and cannot accrue any new debt. Typically I would throw the groceries on the credit card and pay it back when we get paid. Unfortunately, us taking three weeks off for the wedding and honeymoon meant that neither of us got paid from our part-time job. We basically lost $1,000 extra bucks not including what we spent on the wedding and honeymoon. Then yesterday my brother needed gas money and he drives an SUV. So as I looked through my refrigerator and pantry, I immediately thought, "What in the hee-haw am I going to cook for dinner?" Hamburger Helper. We have the box sitting in the back of my pantry, for who knows how long, looking like cardboard yuckiness. I typically wouldn't be this critical of the stuff but after eating such fresh, yummy food yesterday, I am actually feeling my bowels sieze up thinking about eating it. Oh God, please be kind enough to drop a lean cut of meat and vegetables on my doorstep!
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