Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Oh how I love my Spark Friends, let me count the ways: 1.) You all are always checking in 2.) You genuinely care 3.) You haunt my dreams and thoughts 4.) You are sticking to your goals.
Having friends like you all are necessary. I have been enjoying my husband, enjoying home, eating, drinking and being merry to the tune of 12 additional pounds. It was fun while it lasted but the truth is, your body knows what you need and I was genuinely happier and had more energy when my lifestyle was healthier. I slept better, sex was better, my skin was better, my clothes looked better on me. I wore less makeup, I was more self-assured, and I had less morning breath.
My husband and I have some goals in these next several months and one of them in particular will require me to regain my healthy streak. For him, he has applied to be a Correctional Officer. That job is MADE for him. That will gain him the experience necessary to join the Police force. He takes his written exam next week and will then interview thereafter. Please say a prayer or two for him.
We are also planning on starting a family. When we start is contingent on my health. I have a severely incompitent cervix. I need to be as healthy as possible to ensure a successful pregnancy. We have decided that once I lose 18 pounds, I will have the IUD removed so that we can try to get pregnant. My gynocologist believes that I will get pregnant the moment they take it out. We shall see! I realistically believe that I can get rid of those 18 pounds in 3 months. My weight all boils down to my eating habits. I love carbs and sweets. Sugar, salt and flour. All things that I should despise. The truth is, though, that i love fruits and vegetables as well as lean protein. Once I start cooking clean meals again, I know my cravings will change.
But anywho. I am so glad to see my Sparklers doing well. Its time for me to do some random drive-bys of my friends' blogs. Have a successful day!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I know many women have stressed relationships with their moms. Part of me thinks it may just be part of nature. However, I am reaching a point in my life where I must either decide to confront my mother or choose to walk away from her. If I had to qualify my reasons in the simplest terms, they would be:
1:) She is mean.
2.) She is rude.
3.) She says hurtful things to me, about me, and to others.
4.) She is competitive.
5.) She does not show love or affection.
6.) She has a dark and ugly spirit.
1.) When I say my mom is mean, she is like the Grinch who Stole Christmas. She LOOKS for ways to on your parade. She doesn't just do it to me, she is mean ALL THE TIME to EVERYONE. You could say "I love roses!" and she would reply, whether you were speaking to her or not, "I can't stand roses! They stink!" Yesterday my brother came home (he is living with my mom temporarily) and his 5 year old daughter was super-excited to see him and ran screaming to him as he entered the house. As they hugged, my mom yelled at my niece, "Calm down, Lynn! Your dad isn't Jesus, okay?!!" My cousin told me on Thanksgiving that she loved my Christmas tree and my mom says, "I think its plain." NO ONE ASKED YOU!
2.) I think her being rude is pretty evident from #1.
3.) Those that know me well know that I had a daughter that passed away at the young age of 19 months. Prior to her passing, she and I had to move back with my mom as my first husband and I divorced. (Sidenote: my mom did not hesitate to open her doors to myself and my daughter or my brother and for that, I give her credit and thanks) My daughter passed away on a Saturday morning. Our entire family spent the day in the hospital mourning with us until the coroner requested her body at 5 pm that evening. I cried and slept for 1 1/2 days before even getting up to shower or eat. When I did, my momstomped into the kitchen and said, "When are you going to get Alicia's stuff out of that room?" I was shocked and appalled. I told her that it would happen "no time soon". She then told me that Alicia's clothes were too nice to just donate and that my niece should get them.
4.) My mom competes with me about EVERYTHING. If I buy a 42"TV, she will try to buy a 50"TV. If I get a new car, she has a newer one the next month. This is not my perception, this really happens! The last 3 vehicles I have bought, she has gotten a new one within three weeks! She always tells me she is going to get the bigger, better version of whatever I get. Mind you, I no longer tell her when I am making any improvements in my life or home. I bought a new vehicle a week ago and said nothing to her. She ended up seeing it and gave me a full interrogation and now, she is "thinking about trading hers in."
5. The last time my mother hugged me for no apparent reason, without anyone else watching, without it being a holiday or birthday was when I was 7 years old. It was a Saturday in the springtime. She was wearing a gray swetshirt and jeans and was sitting on the arm of the couch. I remember it like it was yesterday because it was the last time I felt comfortable being touched by my mom.
6. I am a very spiritual person and so the fact that I have the relationship I have with my mother really hurts me to my core. Because I have always been connected with my spiritual side, I can sense when someone has a bad spirit. Being around my mother unsettles me. It is like my inner self is on high alert and it telling me "Be careful". My aunt came into my home with my mom when we first bought our house. She said she could feel God when she walked into our home; that her spirit was at peace and comfortable there. She ten said later that my mom feels "heavy" and that she could sense that my momwas unhappy and in turmoil. I sense it and I see it but I don't know what to do. I love my mom. She has intilled so much in me. She is dependable and is a hard worker. She would never, ever turn her back on me in the sense ofhelping with what she could if I needed it. On the flip side, she has tried since I have been a child to diminish my self-worth. At this point I don't know whether to address it with her and a third party and be met with her denial of the situation or to move on with my life. Honestly, I don't think that is the answer because I would never feel good about it. When your own mother (and father in my case) don't like you or want to be around you, it makes you feel rotten to the core. I am not a whole person until I deal with this. WHat should I do?
Monday, December 16, 2013
I have been feeling like crap the past two days. I don't think its the flu because there isn't the vomitting and diarrhea but I definitely feel less than myself. Nonetheless, I moved ahead with my Girl's Christmas Potluck Party. There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING healthy at this party. I ate nachos, chicken wings and red velvet cheesecake swirl brownies. I didn't eat a ton of it and didn't eat much else due to my tummy issues but this morning, was a different story. BINGE, BINGE, BINGE. Bad idea to leave any sweets around me. Here is a pic from last night
We played White Elephant and I added two new scarves to my growing scarf colletion. The gift I bought for the exchange was a major hit and got stolen twice. In other news: this weekend I will be registering my hubby and I for a half marathon on May 4th.
That is a quick little update. Love ya folks!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
HELLLLOOO!!! I must apologize for my Spark Sabbatical. There were many reasons for it:
1.) Got married, got happy, got lazy
2.) Gym dates with the hubby became newlywed cuddle sessions on the couch
3.) Work has gotten busier on both jobs
4.) I was too ashamed
5.) I began a different journey: becoming one with my natural hair without weaves.
Let's begin with #1. MARRIED LIFE IS AWESOME. . . .when you marry the right person. I have been married before and it SUCKED. I like to refer to it as my Brittney Spears marriage; it was over before it started. Being married to Derrell is the best decision I have ever made. We got our wedding video back recently and we sat and watched it. It made me cry all over again just hearing our vowes. I am super excited for our future together.
2. As you can see in the above posted picture, gym dates became snuggle dates. I personally have not been to the gym almost at all since our wedding, with a few exceptions. When I am on the road for work, I workout like clockwork; there is nothing else to do! Also, I joined a bootcamp program so I go to these private classes 4-5 days a week and do one hour of high-intensity workouts. I also take the steps everywhere! Last month my hotel room was on the 9th floor. For four days I took the stairs to and from my room everytime. Man, that was a workout!
3. OMG work is crazy! My partner retired and the higher-ups will not replace him. I have had projects galore and when you add that on to having my part-time serving job, I am constantly on the go. Thankfully, I have decided after nearly 11 years serving tables, my last day will be April 14th.
4. I have been too ashamed to admit that I have gained 10 pounds from my all-time lowest weight. Hold up, I JUST ADMITTED IT!!! I did not want to be one of those chicks that are Sparking it out until their wedding and disappear just to reappear 40 lbs heavier. The weight has all went to my gut. It is disgusting looking. But I am not discouraged. I have my whole life to deal with this beast and once I tame the beast, I have to keep it chained down. I am comfortable right now, but I enjoyed myself more 10 lbs ago. I am focusing on getting back THERE rather than somewhere else.
5. Some of you may understand this, most may not. I have been transitioning my previously relaxed hair (chemically straightened) to my natural hair over the past 15 months. I had been paying hundreds and hundreds of dollars (ultimately over a thousand) to wear weaves (extensions) to make me feel pretty and to make me feel accepted as I grew the chemicals out of my hair. One day, I decided I was just going to go for it. I cut the weave out and the next day I stepped out a new woman:
No one at my corporate job said anything. NOTHING. I was shocked and slightly offended. After wearing all of these long weaves for nearly two years, it is obvious I have changed. I took it as a silent disapproval. I did have some girls that had already been natural come and find me to give me encouragement and tell me how good it looked. That helped. That same night I had to wait tables and I had no clue the response I would get. I work in an upper-middle class part of town where the majority of my customers do not look like me. Well whatever response I did not get at my day job, they more than made up for at my evening job. As soon as I walked in my co-workers were saying things like, "Wow!" "I love it!" "You look so young, cute and fresh!" "I WANT THAT HAIR!!" One girl told me that if she didn't know me, she would think I was the most confident, fun-loving girl ever and she would want to know more. I was blown away. AND THE CUSTOMERS!!! In ten years I have NEVER made that type of money. One or two commented, telling me they loved my fro. But the big surprise was in the tips. One guy tipped me $53 on a $47 bill!! In 4 hours I made $168 in tips and it wasn't a crazy busy night. It was like they were unknowingly telling me that I can make this transition and everything will be okay. After that night I began experimenting a little. Here is my "Rihanna" Style.
Well I have some catching up to do. Thank you to all of you who stopped to check in on me. I pray your SPark Journeys are going well. I don't know how often I will be around, but I will definitely be here.
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