Monday, October 21, 2013
Finding your focus after being on this journey for 17 months can be difficult. There is a saying that anything you do for 21 days becomes habit. I would like to be the first one to dispute that finding. While some things are truly second nature, I have to remind myself every other second to do what I KNOW I should be doing because everything in my being is telling me to rebel against it. 21 days cannot undo 28 years of unhealthy. 17 months can't either. What it CAN do is make me much more prepared to handle those moments when I my instinct is telling me to binge or skip a workout. Thankfully, after nearly a year and a half of healthy living, the NEW me, the food scale devotee, the let's do another mile, the that is too sweet and/or too salty me, the I love the taste of zucchini me, is winning out over the old me 85% of the time. I have to remind myself of this because often, I am discouraged by me frequent back-sliding. I tell myself, "You know better!" I have a friend that always says that if you KNOW better than you would DO better. If only it were that simple.
In my intermittent absence from Spark, I had to do some soul searching. I found myself gaining and losing the same few pounds. More importantly, I found myself disenchanted. Updating my Spark Page with a new uplifting background or writing an insightful blog was no longer doing it for me. Pixie dust and encouraging words only goes so far for so long. At some point, you have to ask yourself: Is this worth it anymore? In order to answer that, I had to step away from Spark because I needed to give myself an honest answer, not one motivated by someone else's weight loss. So often I think many of our blogs are written in a way to convince OURSELVES to believe that we are okay with a little weight gain here or there, or that the journey is easy peasy, or that we are doing this for "health" reasons. A lot of that is true but what most of us really want to say is "Gaining five pounds after working my a$$ off sucks and I am pi$$ed and I want to eat the first cupcake or skinny person I see!" But you don't get voted Spark Motivator for psycho blogs like that so we paint this process to be pretty. I can't handle too much pretty.
In my time away I realized that not only do I WANT this, but I NEED this. I NEED to be healthy and it is no longer good enough for me to dial it in because the supporters around me are telling me how great I look at my current size. I am not as healthy as I could be. I have work that needs to be done. I WANT and DESERVE to be a mother. Considering my medical history, I MUST get my body as healthy and strong as I possibly can before I can consider motherhood. This journey is so much more than fitting a pair of jeans and honestly, when I began this journey, the new jeans and the new wardrobe were my motivation, and that is okay. At some point, that won't be enough anymore. Although Spark's new Start Page is wacky and confusing, writing out my goals today helped me refocus. It also encouraged me because 515 days into this journey, the struggle is still real but that does not have to stop me, and it WILL NOT stop me.
Me, in the center, with friends
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Last night I had the most fabulously healthy and scrumptious dinner. I had fresh salmon (beautifully pink and marbled, thick cuts) roasted in a bag. I sliced yellow squash, zucchini, red potatoes and red peppers, tossed them with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper and placed the salmon on top. I seasoned the fish and put sliced lemons on top. I sealed the parchment paper bag and let it roast for 30 minutes. IT WAS EUPHORIA. There is something about eating fresh, clean, simply prepared food. I don't know why I don't do it more often.
And that is where the Hamburger Helper comes in. WE ARE BROKE. Not slightly broke. ALL the way broke. We are in the midst of refinancing our mortgage and cannot accrue any new debt. Typically I would throw the groceries on the credit card and pay it back when we get paid. Unfortunately, us taking three weeks off for the wedding and honeymoon meant that neither of us got paid from our part-time job. We basically lost $1,000 extra bucks not including what we spent on the wedding and honeymoon. Then yesterday my brother needed gas money and he drives an SUV. So as I looked through my refrigerator and pantry, I immediately thought, "What in the hee-haw am I going to cook for dinner?" Hamburger Helper. We have the box sitting in the back of my pantry, for who knows how long, looking like cardboard yuckiness. I typically wouldn't be this critical of the stuff but after eating such fresh, yummy food yesterday, I am actually feeling my bowels sieze up thinking about eating it. Oh God, please be kind enough to drop a lean cut of meat and vegetables on my doorstep!
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
If you don't own any Post-it notes or can't steal any from work, get up off your toosh and go to the store and grab some now. Those little pieces of paper saved my week! Last Thursday, a young lady who had lost 125 lbs told me to write down my goal on notecards or sticky pads and post it somewhere that I would be forced to face my goal often. So I wrote 219.8 on a Post-it in big, bold numbers along with "3,000 CALORIES TO BURN TODAY" and I hung them around my cube at work and right on the dash of my car. I repeated those goals in my head everytime I saw those pieces of paper. Seeing those goals and positively affirming those goals to myself often, affected the choices I made throughout the week. As I headed to my Weight Watchers meeting today, I repeated to myself "219.8 . . .219.8" Then it was time to weigh in. I felt confident . I took off my shoes and jacket and stepped on the scale. Before I could center myself on the I see 219.8. I shriek, "Wait!" because I wanted to make sure it was a true reading and I wasn't CREATING the number I wanted. I readjusted and got centered and what did the scale say? 219.6!!!!!! I actually got LOWER than my goal. I was so excited I nearly did a back-flip. All of those gems of wisdom that were given to me throughout last week along with seeing that number and reminding myself to burn those calories made all the difference. And ironically, I didn't do much working out at all! I just made extra movements all day and stayed busy. This week my goal is 217.9 which is a loss of 1.7 pounds. I will need to burn those 3,000 calories each day and I will need to stay hydrated. I also have a goal of walking/running a total of 15 miles by next weigh-in. I have also made a new Post-It that I will hang in my car and on my fridge. It reads:
CHOICES: You have one.
Monday, October 07, 2013
You can cancel the Search Parties and Amber Alerts; I am still here. I have had every intention of Sparking but every time I prepared to log on, I saw my handsome husband and said "SCREW THAT! I HAVE A HOT HUNK OF MAN RIGHT HERE!" There was also the time spent putting away wedding gifts, writing thank you notes, and oh yeah, going back to work. In the midst of all of that I have managed to MAINTAIN my weight but I am ready to start losing again.
And here is where Weight Watchers steps in. Week 2 did not go well. It is no fault of the program AT ALL. Two members of our team retired and with retirement comes the week long celebrations all centered around food. My willpower was null and void. As most of you know, once you start down the slippery slope, it is an easy way down from there. So when I stepped on the scale on week 2, I had regained 1.4 of the 1.8 I had lost. I was nearly in tears. But that is why this program is so awesome. The members in my meeting saw me about to crumble and they swooped in and picked my spirit right back up. A few of the gems they provided me were:
"Your choices (food and otherwise) affects your confidence. The best way to boost your confidence is to start by making one good choice, and then another and another."
"You are treating your weight loss like a report card and this isn't school."
"If you went to your favorite aunt's house for dinner and broke a piece of her most expensive china, you would feel horrible but then you would apologize, clean up the mess and get over it and you would be more careful when you were over her house. You wouldn't say, "Well I broke one piece, I may as well break her whole damn collection. So when we have bad day, maybe a day of bingeing or laziness, that is us, in fact, breaking a really nice piece of china. But we only broke ONE PIECE; we only lost ONE DAY. We shouldn't go break the other 364 days. We should apologize to ourselves and GET OVER IT."
This really helped me. I fought back tears as they told me this because it was so spot on. I had always been a straight A student and when the leader brought that up, she made me see that I had a mentality that I was either going to be on the Honor Roll of weight loss and do it perfectly, or I would treat myself like a failure. I knew it was true.
On Friday we had business presentations for those interviewing for my retired friend's old position. One of the young ladies stood out to me. When she walked into the room I immediately noticed she was an Amazon like me. She was probably 6'1" or 6'2". She was statuesque. She did her presentation on goal setting and in the process of explaining how affective visualizing your goals are, she shared that she had recently loss 125 lbs. She immediately became my Shero. She spoke about how she had to keep visual reminders in her face because her natural tendency was towards unhealthy foods and habits. She said she kept a notecard in her wallet with her healthy goals on them so that she would see them everytime she pulled out her debit card or ID. She said it was really helpful when she was getting ready to purchase something that would detract from her goals. And then she highlighted that she had not reached her ultimate goal but everyday was progress towards it.
I also spoke to a co-worker of mine while getting coffee in the breakroom. I don't even know how the conversation began but it turned to weight loss. I told her that I refused to buy any new clothes until I was comfortably in a size 14. I revealed to her that I began as a 22W. She then revealed to me that she had also been a 22W and that she was struggling to fit comfortably back into her size 6's after losing 120 lbs. She then gave me a great gem. She said, "Everytime I reach for one of those fun-size candy bars off of someone's desk, I tell myself that THIS fun-size will NOT make me a fun size."
After being blessed with all of that wisdom throughout the week, I did a better job though I still have work to do. I put post-it notes around my car reminding me to burn 3,000 calories a day and to shoot for 219.8. I even have them at my desk at work. When I was on my honeymoon, one of the new brides on board said there is something called the "Newlywed Nine". Basically, newlyweds on average gain nine pounds in their first year of marriage. I REFUSE! She and I both agreed that if nothing else, we would LOSE nine pounds our first year. I am shooting for 20 but at this rate, 9 would be a blessing!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
So much has happened over the past two weeks. Of course with a wedding comes a honeymoon. Derrell and I went on a cruise . The cruise was okay. I think the best thing was just being alone together. One of my Spark Friends, CARAFAE37, actually got married the day before us and was going to be on the same cruise ship. She and I made plans to meet. It was great meeting her and her husband, Ethan. We actually had to pull our husband away from each other; they wouldn't stop talking! Here is a pic we snapped the last evening on the ship:
After the honeymoon it was back to reality. Part of that reality was changing my Ticker. Over the past couple of months, in addition of the honeymoon, I managed to gain 7 pounds. While I am not proud of that, I am not distraught over it either especially since I thought I was back in the 230's. To ensure I get back in the game, I joined Weight Watchers (the meetings). I love the support I get from Spark but I also need physical, face-to-face support. I used to get that from my sister in the past but she slowly dropped out of the picture. Plus, I think weighing in regularly will help; I have scale fear and that is how the weight creeps up. Thus far I have stayed on the plan. I did have a Jones Bro. cupcake but I also had a huge NSV. Like clockwork, I bought Derrell two cupcakes and myself two cupcakes. Each cupcake is 11 points. I ate one cupcake (I took off about half of the icing) and saved the other. The next day I thought about the Point Value of those cupcakes and whether it was worth it. I decided it wasn't so I gave it to my husband. I have also managed to eat five servings of freggies everyday and that is HUGE for me. Zucchini and yellow squash are my new favorites. I am tempted to try eggplant.
My physical activity has not been the best. In a few minutes I am leaving for my first Zumba class in about a month. I hope I survive! My goal next week is to weigh-in at 219. That is just under 3 lbs. I don't expect to maintain those types of losses, I am just eager to get back in the teens and out of the 220's.
Another NSV I have had recently: I bought my first clothing item out of the Juniors section since I was TEN YEARS OLD!!!
Well I have to get going to Zumba. Love you guys!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time NIKKICOLE83 Posts