NOREGRET2010   44,733
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Happy Holidays.....

Monday, November 19, 2007

This post may be TMI....if you are reading for happy stuff...you may not find what you're looking for here. I'm working through my "stuff"...enter at your own risk. :)

I've a friend I've known since I was about 16. We both had pretty messed up childhoods and the holidays are hard for both of us. About this time of year...we call each other a lot. Sometimes, I'll get a voice mail of just her singing.... "happy holidays....happy holidays..." It's good to have an old friend. Someone who lived through your sh*t with you... who knows on a cellular level exactly where you are and what pushes your buttons.

The holidays push my buttons in a big way. Totally a love/hate relationship. While many, many other children have or had it worse than I did, my family was messed up...my mom was untreated with schizo-affective disorder and handed me over to my step dad to molest in return for a paycheck and a nice home. The holidays were...hell.

Why am I putting this out on the internet? Definitely not for sympathy. I survived it and I am one hell of a strong woman today. I don't want or need sympathy - but I do need to get a handle on the WHYs of my 100+ weight gain over the course of my lifetime, and be honest with myself about the reasons I got here.

The next month is a time when I have repeatedly gorged myself to death to get through it. How can this year be DIFFERENT? How do I lay my demons to rest...or at least live in the same room with them without trying to kill myself with food the next month? I can...

Be really, really active on SparkPeople...keep making connection with people and keep on top of what I'm eating and what I'm doing to move.

Be kind to myself....let go of the perfectionism that dogs me and simply enjoy the things I LOVE about the holidays...the music, the lights....

Vent in my written journal when I am overwhelmed with flash backs and emotions that make me want to hide in food.

Get enough rest and REAL nutrition to keep me healthy and strong through it.

Happy holidays...here I come, for better or worse.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 11/19/2007 11:28AM

    I applaude your courage. You can and will do this! One day at a time...

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Not a failure, but 15 days of success!!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

One of my goals this month is to stay in the top 20 for points in my favorite team, the Lesbian Cafe. This was not a easy goal...these women are ON it - they work hard and their points are amazing to show for it. I fell to below the 20th mark yesterday.

While an old part of me (the willing to give up so easy part!) only sees the failure, a newer more resolved part of me sees, 15 days of success!! In fact, had I not been ill last week, then ill AGAIN this week with a secondary infection, I am pretty confident I would have made it through the month. I may still get back up into the above 20 range and that's awesome, and I'm not going to quit trying now.

I've already decided next month I'd like to be in the top 15 - and I feel good about it!!

Now...it's Saturday, and I have to work since I missed so much time....boo. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUSKY_HANK 11/17/2007 12:39PM

    That is awesome. It is really hard to stay in the top 20. Way to go!

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Another day in Paradise...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Getting well after my cold/ear infection seems to be taking forever. I'm reminded that I'm 43 years old...and I don't bounce back quite as well as I used to.

Working on reminding myself, this is my LIFE now...not a diet. It won't be "over" when I lose the weight. After being sick, and eating waaaaay off my plan this week, I feel like utter CRAP - headaches...tired...no energy.. and my emotions are roller coastering all over the place...yeah, I could attribute some of that to being sick, but I think a large part is also due to not fueling my body with real nutrition...all the more reason to get back on the health bus...

Maybe I'll never lose all the weight. What then? Well, I can at least BE as healthy as possible and FEEL as healthy as possible. Good enough goals on their own, aye?

Realized, I am not doing nearly the cardio I thought I was....I'm not breaking a sweat, and for me, that is the necessary ingredient - sweat. So...I'm thinking about the ways I can break a sweat...and keep it sustained for at least 10 minutes. I can walk for an hour a day...and not much change happens, but if I SWEAT for a bit every day, much more noticeable changes happen. It's hard for me to get my heart rate up there...A doc told me once I have an excellent heart - "Like a horse" - which was funny cause I could tell he really wanted to add "considering how fat you are...." Probably years of dancing? I dunno, but I've got to work on getting the heart rate up there. So..I bought a fun CD of dance music remixed for cardio and that will be my insipration to do what it takes!! Here's to a MUCH better week next week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NADINECHRISTIAN 11/16/2007 1:31PM

    I was reading your blog and thinking you sound a lot like me! I need to break a sweat to feel like I've been working hard.

You're doing well - even if you had a crap week! LOL... Keep it up!

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Why am I doing this again??

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I need to remind myself of what I'm doing here, on spark, on another weight loss effort.

Regardless of WHY, I'm feeling blue and tired and ready to quit. So here is my list of why i don't really want to quit:

1. That picture of Jodie and I at Retreat, where I look like I weigh 300+ AND that I'm 9 mo pregnant all at once.
2. not being able to shop in normal petite size shops/sections. just because I am 2x does not mean I am 6 feet tall.
3. I want to look good in costume.
4. I want to live to a ripe old, HEALTHY age.
5. I want to be able to dance to a 10 minute routine without an asthma attack or wondering if I'm going to have a heart attack.
6. I never want to struggle to get into or out of a restaurant booth again. EVER.
7. I never want to feel like I did when I tried to ride in the back of Mary's car and the seatbelt was soooooo tight.

There have got to be more...and I've got to focus on them. This is where I have given up again and again and freaking again. Not today dammit. I'm not giving up today

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISAROUSSEAU 11/15/2007 1:30PM

    You are a great example of what to do when you're feeling down - make a list of why you want to continue on your journey! I will try that next time I have one of those days. Thanks for your entry. You helped me today! (oh, and I believe you will make it!)

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Back to Reality....

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I made my pilgrimage to the dance instructor I wrote about previously over the weekend...it was amazing. She taught a great workshop and then we played groupies and followed her to the three clubs she dances at on Saturday nights...She is a powerhouse - maintaining her body IS her day job and it was very inspiring for me.

Since I came home, I've had an ear infection, one of my troupers quit my dance troupe with pretty much no notice, I got a 24 hour notice to have my house inspected by the property management company (and after being sick all week and then gone all weekend, the house looks like H*ll) and I got chewed out at work for something I didn't do.

I find it rather karmic that I've been assigned to the LC Thanksgiving challenge "the appreciative" team. Making myself list 3 things I'm thankful for in the face of feeling like the last 24 hours have been sort of surreally effed up...well, it's a good thing.

While I was gone, I ate food I would not normally eat, drank alcohol...and my body is feeling like crud. Sluggish and yuck. So, I'm working very hard on getting back onto my 6 small meals of healthy proteins and good carbs...

It's a new day....another chance to work on getting it right.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OBLIVIA 11/13/2007 5:28PM

    *hugs and squeezes from your buddy*

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HUSKY_HANK 11/13/2007 4:10PM

    One day at a time.

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KRO-BAR 11/13/2007 12:11PM

    "Fall six times, get up seven". That's my favorite spark quote so far. Good for you for picking yourself up and realizing every day is a chance to do it right!

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READYCANADIAN 11/13/2007 10:10AM

    One day at a time. You will do this!

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