Thursday, August 30, 2012
You know, it's just been one thing after another. In the last 2 weeks or so,
Jodie's car threw a rod through the engine.
Our laptop died, which she really needs for school.
I had to replace two tires on my car and had to get some repair work done when it was taken for alignment all of which I didn't have money for.
and last night, I fried my phone.
It got a little damp and the touchscreen won't work. I tried the bag of rice trick over night, no change. I'll take it into the sprint store today, but I'm not feeling optimistic. No insurance on it, and even if I did, they don't cover water damage.
I really, really liked that phone. Nicest I've ever had, worth about $500 which I got ONLY because I changed to Sprint and got it for free. I can't upgrade for a year. Obviously, with Jodie not working and our lives a painful penny pinching mess, I can't replace it.
I'm pretty sick about it. In fact, I cried. Cried because of the stress. Cried because it's ONE MORE THING. Cried because I really enjoyed it and I broke it.
Cried because Jodie and I have been fighting like cats and dogs because of money and stress. Cried because Jodie hasn't gotten a call for an interview on that job and we needed it so much. Cried because child support hasn't come in three months and I'm trying to support these kids that are not just mine, but his responsibility too...yet again and again, he skates away and I'm left holding the financial bag.
I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of trying to be positive and upbeat. Tired, blue, and crying.
And to cap it all? I got up, made coffee and someone had used up all the creamer and not bothered to tell me. I'm telling you, it was all I could do not to fly into a rage over coffee creamer this a.m...but it's not really about that, it's about everything else.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Last week was probably the most successful I've had on Spark in a LONG TIME. I haven't weighed, that's not the success. The success was the consistency, the motivation, the tracking. SparkCoach is really doing that for me - helping me be much more consistent than I've been in ....um....years. I'm happy for those who say "well it's all the same things you get for free on spark people, why pay for it?" Yes, the components are the same, but something about it is keeping me going. It's a routine, a morning ritual for me, for one. That is a huge piece of the puzzle. Perhaps I feel more inclined to be "on it" since I'm paying for it (99 cents this month - but it's still the concept of paying). I dunno, but it's working and I'm all over what ever works!
Last week I walked 7.48 miles - however, some of that was guesswork since the fitness map feature didn't show any of the trails I was on and I suspect it was closer t 5.5 or 6 miles than 7.48. At any rate, I was out there, i was doing it, and that counts! Now that I've discovered the MyTracks app, I'll know exactly how far I walked, woo!
The last couple weeks have been .... extremely hard. On top of a very tight budget, our laptop died, one of our cars threw a rod through the engine, and the financial stress had my partner and I at each others throats. it was not pretty. Not pretty at all. We can't afford to fix the laptop, which she uses for school or the car. She's up for a job and passed the first cut, but hasn't had a call for an interview and is spiraling downward. It's hard after years of trying to get a job and just not making it.
I have had many moments of wanting to stuff the worry, anger and depression away with food. I've had multiple conversations with myself, wanting candy, baked goods and fried foods or to just stuff myself with whatever was available.
And I haven't done it. I've allowed myself a treat almost every day - a small mcdonald's ice cream cone. Yep, about 200 calories, but in the face of what I COULD have done? that's nothing, baby.
When my partner and I fought, instead of shoving food in my mouth I laced up my shoes and I went for a walk.
So, in the face of a really crappy week which has been part of a pretty sucky August, I feel pretty darn successful. I know I'm depressed and I know it's situational, and I'm working on remaining as positive as I can. Things will shift eventually. She will get a job. Things will stop breaking down.
Sooner or later, right? Right. And in the meantime, I can focus my stress on building my health.
New goals for a new week:
Walk 5 miles - actual miles not guessed miles
Keep on the Spark Coach program 7 days including tracking all my food.
Breathe, take care of myself, and try to look on the bright side.
Friday, August 24, 2012
So, I've been walking in this awesome local park, Pine Nursery. It has soccer fields, a fishing pond, dog parks and fitness trails. The main paved trail is 1.3 miles.
Timing wise, I kept ending up there too close to dark to walk the entire loop - I was afraid to end up out in the dark in the brush! So I took some of the unpaved trails to "make up" the distance.
or so I thought.
Last night, I got out there in time to walk the real 1.3 mile loop. I definitely wasn't as close to getting the full 1.3 mi in as I thought.
That means, for one, I haven't been burning as many calories as I thought OR getting the distance in that I thought I was getting.
Deflated my balloon a bit when I figured that out. Mind you, it's all good. i walked, I did something. Burned way more calories than sitting on my heinie watching tv, eh?
I thought a bit about trying a pedometer - but those have never worked well for me. Either it doesn't track enough steps or it tracks steps that aren't there. My theory on that is where my waistband settles is not conducive to tracking well. I thought about spendy options, like a cool garmin thingy like a couple of friends have, but that is too spendy for my life. So I started looking at apps on my phone and came across My Tracks from Google.
My Tracks will calculate my distance and time, that's really all I'm after. No it won't track my heart rate like a cool spendy gadget will, but if I want to track my heart rate I can use the old-timey method of my fingers to my jugular, LOL. Since I just figured out how to use Google Play on my phone as well, I could now leave the ipod at home and use my phone for both my MP3 player AND a distance/timer tracker. For Free.
Free is the operative word here. Disneyland trip Oct 3 is quickly approaching where my partner and I will hit the Happiest Place On Earth with about a million other folks for Gay Days Anaheim. So pennies are being saved scrupulously for the trip.
Not to mention.....partner's car threw a rod last weekend. Yep, threw it right through the engine. For about $3K, we can fix it.
needless to mention I don't have $3k. The Disneyland trip, as an aside, was prepaid in January when a sudden windfall came. So it's already paid for, otherwise .....
Jodie is in the second round of hiring for a job she really wants and we really, really need. Really need. Can't emphasize that enough. Only one of us working is not cutting it.
Eh, I'm rambling. Have an AWESOME FRIDAY!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Yesterday's post - the longing for a quick fix - has me once again evaluating my mindset.
The BodyBugg is an awesome tool, and I'd really love one. The tool isn't the issue, the fat between my ears is the issue!
The looking for the magic pill mentality. Thinking if I use this or that tool, magic will happen and I'll finally lose weight. that if I had a bodybugg or whatever other tool, I would start conforming to my calorie restrictions.
Reality? the tool would tell me I was eating too many calories. LOL. Just like the calorie tracker tells me on SP.
I have to continue working on losing the "fat between my ears" - the quick fix mentality - before lasting weight loss is going to happen. I have to do the work, not just think about doing the work.
I do that a lot. I think about doing the work....then I don't DO the work.
Many good changes have happened, and I can recognize them. I'm walking several times a week now, I'm paying a lot more attention to my calorie intake, probably more than I've ever done. It's a slow process of change.
In the iconic words of Nike, I need to "Just DO it". I'm getting there, I'm getting there.
And I might put a bodybugg on my christmas list, LOL.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
We've all done it.
We get tired of doing the hard work of weight loss. We look for a fix and it doesn't even have to be a quick fix, just a fix! something to make us feel better.
We join a gym (we know we won't use), purchase equipment (we've never used and then discover we dislike), set unreasonable goals. You know it. We've all done it in someway or another.
Today, the idea that scrolled across my mind was:
"I bet if I had one of those Bodybugg gizmos, THEN I would lose weight!"
Where did this come from? Well, for one, that tracking my calories (besides being a pain in the butt) often seems like a guessing game. Finding the exact thing you need on there, or taking the time to enter something not in there (or a whole recipe), takes time and I often wonder if I'm consuming what the tracker says...or more...or less? Same with exercise. Really? You mean to tell me the sweat rolling down my face workout for 35 minutes REALLY only burned 100 calores?
The Bodybugg is supposed to (within 90% accuracy) tell you what calories are going in and what calories are being burned. So I want one.
Then I said to myself, "Self....you are looking for a fix again. You are looking to avoid doing the hard work. Stop it. It's going to take work. It's going to take time and the changing of habits. Just stop all this..."
and I did.
but we all have those moments, don't we? It's what we decide to DO with it that counts.
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