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Oh yes they call him the streak.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I'm starting a streak - to see how many nights in a row i can be compliant with my CPAP machine.

I hauled it out last week, even took it on the long weekend when we were sleeping in a tent. Some nights are easy, some nights are irritating as hell with it.

But, I think....I might be feeling the good effects of the effort. A little. Maybe. and it motivates me to keep on. So a streak? Just the ticket.

Last night will be night 1, because Monday night, I didn't unpack it. Why? Well...let me tell you.

At retreat, Jodie had a "heat rash". But then it got worse and she was so miserable and by Monday a.m. I realized, it wasn't heat rash it was shingles. So I broke camp, packed the car, drove 5.5 hours home, took her straight to urgent care, dropped her back off at home, went to fill her prescriptions, and finally walked through my door "home" at about 9 pm. I didn't unpack the car, I literally fell into bed.

She's now on medications and that helps, but she's pretty freakin miserable.

I'm energized for my dance and my health after the retreat. Tuesday was my weigh in and while I didn't watch what I ate at retreat, i didn't go hog wild either and there was lots of exercise invoved so when I got on the scale I had a moment of horror that it said I'd gained 5 pounds.

Then I got over myself. My feet were so swollen yesterday I couldn't wear my work shoes. So I didn't even track that weight, just shrugged and thought, if it's still there next week, we'll deal with it.

The reality is I wore a pair of dance pants this weekend that I haven't been able to wear for about a YEAR no joke, so the scale can....bite me. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEAM-ERIC 9/14/2012 4:46AM

    Oh those scales....they don't always know the real deal! The proof of that is right there in your dance pants! Good for you for not letting the numbers get in your way.

I hope Jodie is getting better!

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WAVAIRENE 9/12/2012 10:27AM

    I think that sometimes...the scale LIES. :) But on the other front...if you let your CPAP work it's magic I think you'll really notice a difference. If you've seen any of my posts you know I have a love/hate relationship with my machine. But, it really helps me rest and makes me feel so much better. Good luck!

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KRICKET57 9/12/2012 8:58AM

    Good for you! do not let the scale rule your life, there are other indicators. Have a great day!

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WALIDGAZALA 9/12/2012 8:53AM

    Great

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IAMFRANSGIRL 9/12/2012 8:51AM

    Congrats on telling your scale off! Being able to wear something you haven't worn in a year is a better indication that you're progressing anyway!
Ugh on the shingles, that's miserable! Wish her well.
Keep up the hard work!
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I am....Snuffleuffagus.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Not sure how you spell that, Snuffleuffagus. That's what my partner teases me I look like with my CPAP on.

Ah, the CPAP. Hate the damn thing to be honest. My doc gets pretty frustrated I've not used it. He has one for his sleep apnea and says so earnestly, "but don't you feel so much better with it? I would be devastated if I couldn't use it, I even take it camping! I feel awful when I don't use it". I suspect I haven't used it enough to feel the improvement frankly.

My sleep has been getting poorer and poorer, waking up at 3 a.m. unable to go back to sleep, fragmented sleep, feeling like a zombie when I get up, exhausted at 3 pm in the afternoon. Etc, etc, etc. Yes, I know the deal. The deal is we need sleep.

Sleep helps with energy, mental acuity, etc. Sleep resets our hormone balance, etc. Without good sleep, we often can't lose weight.

Why then fight the CPAP? eh. a variety of reasons. It's hard to get used to. My partner (who INSISTED I get a sleep study because I freaked her out with my sleep apnea) doesn't care for it either and would help with my resistance by saying "oh, don't wear it tonight, so I can snuggle with you". I'd get out of the habit and that would be that.

But, a new sparkfriend's post reminded me of why I'm supposed to wear it and the benefits of doing it, so I dragged it out again last night, told my partner, "I have to start using this thing. Period."

now to just keep repeating that action.

There's been, now that we're on that subject, some partner....well, I think of it as sabotage. Perhaps a better description would be insecurity. Won't walk with me (even tho we said 100 times we were going to have to walk to get ready for disneyland), then tries to make me feel guilty for walking without her. I know she is stuck in her own process. Avoiding/angry about her diabetes. Depressed about her job search. Worried about her mom's cancer. There's a lot going on there.

Sometimes it's hard to keep going in the face of someone else's "junk". I know that's what it is. I know, from experience, if I said, "um,you are sabotaging me!" she would be devastated and insist it isn't true at all.

I know when those around us grow, it can trigger two separate reactions. It can make us want to grow...or it can make us feel less than - bad about our personal lack of change. That's where she's going, due to a lot of other stuff that's going on. Of course she wants me to be healthy. Of course she wants to see me reach my goals. But the moment by moment stuff? Leaving her to go do my walk, taking care of myself when she so vehemently is refusing to take care of HERSELF?

Yep, it's bringing up crap. The biggest favor I can do her (and MYSELF?) is to keep on keepin' on. Believe me, she's a fabulous person. But even fabulous people have their stuff, eh?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWYEARME 9/9/2012 6:28PM

    You need to do what is right for you and your health. If she cares about you she will support you. If she does not, it is her loss.

You are worth taking care of!!!!

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QUALITYONE09 9/7/2012 7:56PM

    Hello Lady, hang in there it will get better. Yes, wear that mask....keep telling yourself the more I wear it the sooner I won't have to wear it. Once you get some of the weight off and are wearing your mask now the sooner your health will improve to the point that you won't need it. You won't get there if you don't make the sacrifice up front! Be wise and do the hard work now.

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GRAMMACATHY 9/6/2012 2:08AM

    Very thoughtful blog. Thank you for sharing. Gopintos had some great advice too. I will try to help you through the process of adapting to your mask, because really that is the only difficult part. Just keep posting on the thread you started on the Sleep Apnea team. I made it a sticky topic, so it will stay visible. You can also tell me why I should go ahead and try belly dancing before I turn 60 next June. In the meantime, I will tell you I almost died from Sleep Apnea. I was lucky and only spent four days in the hospital and two months recovering. CPAPS save lives.

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GOPINTOS 9/5/2012 5:41PM

    You brought a tear to my eye this morning when I read your post. I am so glad you are wearing your cpap. I'll admit, it wasnt easy when I finally started, and I wasnt consistent at first, but I persisted and now I can't sleep w/o it. And now, when I put my mask on, it is like being transported to another place. I take it with me anytime I have to stay over night. It is my sleepy time signal.

I just remind myself what sleep apnea is. It is that you STOP BREATHING IN YOUR SLEEP !!!! It is such a simple little thing that I can do for my family, those that I would have left behind. I just do not want to take the chance of never waking up over something I have in my control to prevent.

Life started to change once I finally could think a little bit clearer due to some sleep. It has been a steady progression of positives ever since emoticon

Then finally at some point, I realized that I need to apply those same convictions to my weight loss. It is in my control to prevent other obesity related diseases and I need to do it by removing the weight and not just trying to find a band-aid.

I am so glad you are doing what you need to do for yourself, for a happier, healthier life.

As far as your friend, I know what you are talking about. I have had the same experience and I just let them know, I am doing this with or w/o you. I would rather do it with you, but I have to do this in order to save my life. It is not about vanity, it is about my health.

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Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
Melinda (gopintos)
Wheat Belly Team

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WONDEROONA 9/5/2012 5:01PM

    Maybe if you continue with your healthy journey, she will wake up and "smell the roses", so to speak. You may inspire her. It sounds as if she has a lot going on right now and maybe she just needs some space and/or time to get her priorities in order. My wife is in very poor health and she sees me getting healthy and is starting to ask me to cook more and actually not eating alot of the stuff she shouldn't be. (i.e. fried foods, sweets, ect.) However, the other night, she did demand some grease....LOL. Keep up with your efforts and have some faith and patience and things will work out.

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SUSIEQ911 9/5/2012 10:24AM

    emoticon

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Anxiety....the root of the matter?

Monday, September 03, 2012

So, next weekend I go to one of my favorite yearly events, a women-only bellydance retreat. I see old friends, make new friends, unplug from the world of tech and generally have a fabulous time.

Then why do I get anxious about it? I've been struggling with anxiety more and more in the last few years. Wouldn't you think that something i really enjoy and look forward to would not cause anxiety? But...it does. Anxiety about the workshops I'll teach, my performance, will my partner and two daughters that are going get along or be at each other all weekend?

My anxiety makes me realize my son's generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia...is probably hereditary to at least some extent. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?

So, what do I do in the face of anxiety? Often I...procrastinate. I put the things I'm anxious about on the back burner and avoid them (this is a less-helpful tactic when the deadline then looms and I'm unprepared!). Sometimes I do just the opposite, especially if it's very stressful like financial or whatever, I have to do something about it RIGHT NOW. This can be problematic when it's say a weekend or at night or whatever. You know, when you really can't do anything. Then the anxiety can roil up into an uncontrollable panic feeling.

How do I get rid of the anxiety? Well...some things do help. The biggest thing that helps? Taking my antidepressant regularly LOL. Helps keep the anxiety at a lower level. Other than that, daily exercise makes a huge difference. Really breaks down my stress/anxiety and let's me sweat it out. Sometimes, I will escape into a book. Knitting can help - keeps my attention and hands occupied. Sometimes when it's building I can meditate/say the Serenity Prayer over and over and it will calm me some.

Today I got up and faced some things I'd been putting off due to anxiety. I noticed at first, I had a lot of feelings of insecurity, about what I was doing wasn't "good enough". it was tempting to quit. Really tempting. But I pushed through and felt good about it when I was done.

This all is completely applicable to my health journey. Procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety....interesting correlations for me this a.m.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VTRICIA 9/4/2012 11:53AM

    I get anxious as a seasonal thing, which makes sense if you think about natural selection and how humans lived pre industrially. Being pessimistic helped us prepare for winter better. Having something to do with that energy, like knitting, is a great idea.

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TEAM-ERIC 9/3/2012 1:50PM

    I suffer from the perfectionist syndrome too! If it can't be perfect....screw it. Perfection has led me to more failures than successes! Everyday I have to remind myself that there is no perfect moment, method or place whatever is applicable at the time and push myself past the perfectionism into the do it ism! Sometimes I don't make it, but I'm 100% more likely to make when I try than when I don't. And trying has relieved more stress and anxiety that perfection ever did!

I hope you can enjoy the conference without any family drama!

Diana

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GRACEMCDOG 9/3/2012 12:22PM

    Reading your last sentence made me smile because...I think you're on to something very important for yourself. I read a book many years ago that shook my world and helped me 'get' what perfectionism was doing to sabotage my life. I let go of it forever and have been a much more successful, relaxed and LESS ANXIOUS person by a lot. (The book, by the way, was called 'Bird by Bird' by Anne Lamott.) I also wonder if you would benefit as much as I have from cutting out all grains and sugar (I sometimes have a tiny amount of sugar but NEVER any grains. Yep, I guess I am a perfectionist in that regard. Trial and error have shown me it's not worth it to fudge when it comes to grains.) My negative internal dialog, paralyzing depression and sometimes severe anxiety are simply gone since I got serious about the foods I eat. I still can't quite believe it...it's like a miracle. I would urge you to give a grain free/sugar free period of time (3 months?) your top priority. I've read some of your blogs where you've talked about what you actually eat (especially on road trips--I know--It's HARD) and I get the impression that you haven't gone far enough with eliminating grains and sugar to really be able to feel and enjoy the benefits. Many things in life happen by degrees, some improvement will bring some benefit...like doing a little exercise may make you feel a little better. But with grains and sugar I believe you have to cut them out completely before you will see the changes I've described. An analogy I like to use is this: Switching from smoking 3 packs of Camel Straights to 1 pack of Marlboro Lights may seem like an improvement but it really isn't. You're still flooding your body with oxidation and you're still addicted to nicotine. It's the same with wheat and grains and sugar. They are addictive and terribly destructive to the body. Cutting back does not accomplish anything. You gotta quit if you want to get well. Ask yourself what is is that prevents you from being less than the most vibrant, energetic and positive person you can be. What or who has convinced you that you don't deserve to be whole and happy? The answer, if you find it, will allow you to give yourself the gift of health. I found that answer when I was about 45 and have been nurturing my own new-found sense of entitlement to happiness ever since. It's a process, for sure!

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SUSIEQ911 9/3/2012 11:16AM

    Being a perfectionist is tough. I know! It's something I stuggle with every single day. Sometimes I just have to force myself to do something and accept that it's not perfect, but it is good enough and I'm probably the only one who doesn't know it's not perfect. And then I have to be proud of myself for accomplishing something.

I think it's good that you're noticing and allowing yourself to feel what's going on when you feel anxious.

Have a wonderful day!


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EGALITAIRE 9/3/2012 10:38AM

    Yep, its all inter-related. Stress/anxiety and the hormones released have a huge physiological impact on how much fat our bodies store or use.

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Busy last weekend of summer

Saturday, September 01, 2012

This weekend I'll be sewing on my daughter's dance costume, finishing prep work for the workshops I'll be teaching next weekend, working on my own routine, getting kids ready for school....etc.

I took yesterday off of walking, and it felt funny. I think I'm addicted. Seriously. Sometimes I hate every step, but....I crave the stress relief it gives me.

I was happy that I passed my 5 mile for the week goal on Thursday. That means that whatever I walk today is all over goal, which makes me happy.

I tried measuring yesterday, and got weird results. Weird, because my belly seems to be an ever-changing roadmap of my health work. I've said before, as I lose weight in the big wheat belly...it drops.

Drops as in sags. I shared all this a while back in my blog "the apple has fallen" or something like that: how when I was at my biggest, I had a smooth rounded belly. Now my belly is...funky looking. More of a B shape than a D shape, and the lower half of the B sags down...and touches the tops of my thighs when I'm not dressed.

Oh, so very sexy.

Yet, I know this is progress. I know that the solid belly of fat is extremely dangerous to my life - a huge precursor of possible heart attack/stroke. So I'm glad to see it go and sort of morbidly fascinated to see my belly evolving as I work on my health.

The measurements change but not always go down. It's just part of the process as the fat loosens it's hold on my life and leaves my body.

I can feel fall in the air and feel nervous....soon it will be dark in the evening, cold and snow. I won't be able to head out to the park for my walk fix. Already pretty sure I'll go back to the parks and rec and walk on the treadmills there - cheapest alternative and not unpleasant. But I'll miss the fitness trails, passing people and smiling and nodding, feeling the breeze or the sun on my face.

But today, I still can. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOPINTOS 9/1/2012 7:47PM

    Oh geesh, I know what you mean. Things get softer, droopier. Sometimes I think it might even look worse. But I know it is all recomposing, resculpting, and the squishy stuff is getting ready to depart :)

You are doing awesome!!

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Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
Melinda (gopintos)
Wheat Belly Team

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BRANDYSDONE32 9/1/2012 3:55PM

    i love how you described things like your walk in this blog i could almost picture it. me on the other hand I cant wait for fall so I can get out and walk more. I love walking in the fall but I also dread the winter.

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SUSIEQ911 9/1/2012 11:39AM

    You're making progress!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

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DMEYER4 9/1/2012 9:36AM

  emoticon

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PENNYPACKER3 9/1/2012 9:32AM

    emoticon

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Picked up, dusted off, tears dried and back on track

Friday, August 31, 2012

Well, I'm glad that's over.

You know, I don't cry. I don't cry because I'm afraid I won't stop. I don't cry for a lot of reasons - most of which are probably not entirely healthy. So, to sit and cry like I did yesterday morning....It was a relief.

I don't wanna do it again, LOL, but it was a relief just the same. I don't think I've cried much at all since my dad died, January 2009. This is definitely the most I've cried since then...and there's been a lot of stress in between that time.

So...it probably needed to happen. Like teeth cleanings, car maintanace, etc.

This a.m., I'm back on the "glass is at least half full!" track. Hope is revived and I'm able to put one foot in front of the other again. I've already passed my walk 5 mile goal this week, for which I'm very pleased. Food has been hit and miss, but good by previous standards.

Ready to kick August to the curb...Welcome September, welcome changing seasons.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRANDYSDONE32 9/1/2012 3:40PM

    yes I agree sometimes crying for a long time is good it will help flush out your soul. you should definatley do it more often.lol emoticon

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KATCHAGIRL 8/31/2012 12:12PM

    YAY!! :)

Yeah... I agree that sometimes, you just HAVE to bawl it out. I, like you, don't cry very often either and when I do, I ALWAYS feel better a day or so later. It's an important part of life and I'm glad you were able to get it out!

Have a WONDERFUL Labor Day weekend!

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TERRYT55 8/31/2012 12:10PM

    Happy your glass is half full again! Good for you for making your five mile goal this week.......

I'm welcoming September as well. Fall is my favorite time of year!

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TEAM-ERIC 8/31/2012 10:57AM

    Like it or not sometimes a good cry it just what we need to get a fresh perspective! And you know what they say about a glass that's half full...maybe you need a smaller glass! LOL

Have a great day! Be catching up with you later!

Diana

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DOTTIESPLACE 8/31/2012 10:37AM

    Crying is a good thing, lets out all those hormones. I'm glad you're feeling better. Take excellent care of yourself today and tomorrow and the next day and....
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SUSIEQ911 8/31/2012 10:16AM

    emoticon SEE look half full!

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IAMFRANSGIRL 8/31/2012 8:58AM

    I always thought that the same thing about crying,eventually I found I could stop whenever I was through emoticon Sometimes it was short and sweet and sometimes It would last hours but I always felt much better for it.
It seems you do too.
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Yay for hitting your walking goal! emoticon

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GOPINTOS 8/31/2012 8:54AM

    I was a bit behind on blogs, so I read yesterday and today, and so glad the glass is half full today :) I try to see mine that way also, even though it is tough sometimes. Sending good vibes your way!! emoticon

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FATBASTICH 8/31/2012 8:47AM

    Sometimes you just have to let those emotions wash over you in order to let them go. You've got a great attitude though - keep moving forward!

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EGALITAIRE 8/31/2012 8:46AM

    Yay - sounds like overall August was a decent month, something to build on for September

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