Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Not sure how you spell that, Snuffleuffagus. That's what my partner teases me I look like with my CPAP on.
Ah, the CPAP. Hate the damn thing to be honest. My doc gets pretty frustrated I've not used it. He has one for his sleep apnea and says so earnestly, "but don't you feel so much better with it? I would be devastated if I couldn't use it, I even take it camping! I feel awful when I don't use it". I suspect I haven't used it enough to feel the improvement frankly.
My sleep has been getting poorer and poorer, waking up at 3 a.m. unable to go back to sleep, fragmented sleep, feeling like a zombie when I get up, exhausted at 3 pm in the afternoon. Etc, etc, etc. Yes, I know the deal. The deal is we need sleep.
Sleep helps with energy, mental acuity, etc. Sleep resets our hormone balance, etc. Without good sleep, we often can't lose weight.
Why then fight the CPAP? eh. a variety of reasons. It's hard to get used to. My partner (who INSISTED I get a sleep study because I freaked her out with my sleep apnea) doesn't care for it either and would help with my resistance by saying "oh, don't wear it tonight, so I can snuggle with you". I'd get out of the habit and that would be that.
But, a new sparkfriend's post reminded me of why I'm supposed to wear it and the benefits of doing it, so I dragged it out again last night, told my partner, "I have to start using this thing. Period."
now to just keep repeating that action.
There's been, now that we're on that subject, some partner....well, I think of it as sabotage. Perhaps a better description would be insecurity. Won't walk with me (even tho we said 100 times we were going to have to walk to get ready for disneyland), then tries to make me feel guilty for walking without her. I know she is stuck in her own process. Avoiding/angry about her diabetes. Depressed about her job search. Worried about her mom's cancer. There's a lot going on there.
Sometimes it's hard to keep going in the face of someone else's "junk". I know that's what it is. I know, from experience, if I said, "um,you are sabotaging me!" she would be devastated and insist it isn't true at all.
I know when those around us grow, it can trigger two separate reactions. It can make us want to grow...or it can make us feel less than - bad about our personal lack of change. That's where she's going, due to a lot of other stuff that's going on. Of course she wants me to be healthy. Of course she wants to see me reach my goals. But the moment by moment stuff? Leaving her to go do my walk, taking care of myself when she so vehemently is refusing to take care of HERSELF?
Yep, it's bringing up crap. The biggest favor I can do her (and MYSELF?) is to keep on keepin' on. Believe me, she's a fabulous person. But even fabulous people have their stuff, eh?
Monday, September 03, 2012
So, next weekend I go to one of my favorite yearly events, a women-only bellydance retreat. I see old friends, make new friends, unplug from the world of tech and generally have a fabulous time.
Then why do I get anxious about it? I've been struggling with anxiety more and more in the last few years. Wouldn't you think that something i really enjoy and look forward to would not cause anxiety? But...it does. Anxiety about the workshops I'll teach, my performance, will my partner and two daughters that are going get along or be at each other all weekend?
My anxiety makes me realize my son's generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia...is probably hereditary to at least some extent. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?
So, what do I do in the face of anxiety? Often I...procrastinate. I put the things I'm anxious about on the back burner and avoid them (this is a less-helpful tactic when the deadline then looms and I'm unprepared!). Sometimes I do just the opposite, especially if it's very stressful like financial or whatever, I have to do something about it RIGHT NOW. This can be problematic when it's say a weekend or at night or whatever. You know, when you really can't do anything. Then the anxiety can roil up into an uncontrollable panic feeling.
How do I get rid of the anxiety? Well...some things do help. The biggest thing that helps? Taking my antidepressant regularly LOL. Helps keep the anxiety at a lower level. Other than that, daily exercise makes a huge difference. Really breaks down my stress/anxiety and let's me sweat it out. Sometimes, I will escape into a book. Knitting can help - keeps my attention and hands occupied. Sometimes when it's building I can meditate/say the Serenity Prayer over and over and it will calm me some.
Today I got up and faced some things I'd been putting off due to anxiety. I noticed at first, I had a lot of feelings of insecurity, about what I was doing wasn't "good enough". it was tempting to quit. Really tempting. But I pushed through and felt good about it when I was done.
This all is completely applicable to my health journey. Procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety....interesting correlations for me this a.m.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
This weekend I'll be sewing on my daughter's dance costume, finishing prep work for the workshops I'll be teaching next weekend, working on my own routine, getting kids ready for school....etc.
I took yesterday off of walking, and it felt funny. I think I'm addicted. Seriously. Sometimes I hate every step, but....I crave the stress relief it gives me.
I was happy that I passed my 5 mile for the week goal on Thursday. That means that whatever I walk today is all over goal, which makes me happy.
I tried measuring yesterday, and got weird results. Weird, because my belly seems to be an ever-changing roadmap of my health work. I've said before, as I lose weight in the big wheat belly...it drops.
Drops as in sags. I shared all this a while back in my blog "the apple has fallen" or something like that: how when I was at my biggest, I had a smooth rounded belly. Now my belly is...funky looking. More of a B shape than a D shape, and the lower half of the B sags down...and touches the tops of my thighs when I'm not dressed.
Oh, so very sexy.
Yet, I know this is progress. I know that the solid belly of fat is extremely dangerous to my life - a huge precursor of possible heart attack/stroke. So I'm glad to see it go and sort of morbidly fascinated to see my belly evolving as I work on my health.
The measurements change but not always go down. It's just part of the process as the fat loosens it's hold on my life and leaves my body.
I can feel fall in the air and feel nervous....soon it will be dark in the evening, cold and snow. I won't be able to head out to the park for my walk fix. Already pretty sure I'll go back to the parks and rec and walk on the treadmills there - cheapest alternative and not unpleasant. But I'll miss the fitness trails, passing people and smiling and nodding, feeling the breeze or the sun on my face.
But today, I still can. :)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Well, I'm glad that's over.
You know, I don't cry. I don't cry because I'm afraid I won't stop. I don't cry for a lot of reasons - most of which are probably not entirely healthy. So, to sit and cry like I did yesterday morning....It was a relief.
I don't wanna do it again, LOL, but it was a relief just the same. I don't think I've cried much at all since my dad died, January 2009. This is definitely the most I've cried since then...and there's been a lot of stress in between that time.
So...it probably needed to happen. Like teeth cleanings, car maintanace, etc.
This a.m., I'm back on the "glass is at least half full!" track. Hope is revived and I'm able to put one foot in front of the other again. I've already passed my walk 5 mile goal this week, for which I'm very pleased. Food has been hit and miss, but good by previous standards.
Ready to kick August to the curb...Welcome September, welcome changing seasons.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
You know, it's just been one thing after another. In the last 2 weeks or so,
Jodie's car threw a rod through the engine.
Our laptop died, which she really needs for school.
I had to replace two tires on my car and had to get some repair work done when it was taken for alignment all of which I didn't have money for.
and last night, I fried my phone.
It got a little damp and the touchscreen won't work. I tried the bag of rice trick over night, no change. I'll take it into the sprint store today, but I'm not feeling optimistic. No insurance on it, and even if I did, they don't cover water damage.
I really, really liked that phone. Nicest I've ever had, worth about $500 which I got ONLY because I changed to Sprint and got it for free. I can't upgrade for a year. Obviously, with Jodie not working and our lives a painful penny pinching mess, I can't replace it.
I'm pretty sick about it. In fact, I cried. Cried because of the stress. Cried because it's ONE MORE THING. Cried because I really enjoyed it and I broke it.
Cried because Jodie and I have been fighting like cats and dogs because of money and stress. Cried because Jodie hasn't gotten a call for an interview on that job and we needed it so much. Cried because child support hasn't come in three months and I'm trying to support these kids that are not just mine, but his responsibility too...yet again and again, he skates away and I'm left holding the financial bag.
I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of trying to be positive and upbeat. Tired, blue, and crying.
And to cap it all? I got up, made coffee and someone had used up all the creamer and not bothered to tell me. I'm telling you, it was all I could do not to fly into a rage over coffee creamer this a.m...but it's not really about that, it's about everything else.
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