Thursday, November 29, 2012
I've found a fun site. It's not SparkPeople, certainly not a replacement in my opinion, but it's FUN, it's different and I'm enjoying it. It's sort of ...a game. A healthy living game. Dunno, check it out yerselves, LOL. This is my activity from there for today and I thought I'd post it here.
YOUR QUEST: Take a dose of honesty and write a paragraph about how it is to be above your ideal weight. No one else will ever read this unless you show it to them—this is just for you.
Okay. Here's my paragraph.
How is it to be above my ideal weight? Well...it's hard. I never know from day to day what is going to fit when I go into the closet. I feel self concious about my body in different aspects. I love to dance, but when I see the body I'm using, it's distracting to the dance. The small, muscular moves I've worked so hard to learn to do well don't show up as well, because the body is covered in layers of fat. Shopping is a big pain in the butt, becuase at 5", clothes that are my size are all sized for giants...apparently, if you are a size 2x, you MUST be 6.5 feet tall...I'm tired a lot, my knees hurt and sometimes I have a hard time getting in and out of booths at restaurants, or bending to tie my shoes....and those moments are embarrassing and hard.
Now make a list of what you imagine losing weight might help you achieve or do. Put this list somewhere you can see it every day for motivation and refocusing.
Well, that list might look like:
I could buy an "off the rack" dance costume and it would...fit. I could easily go to the floor for yoga or stretching and back up again. I could bend over to tie my shoes. I'd probably have a LOT more ennergy. I'd be more self confident. Perhaps shopping would be fun, to be able to try things on that would fit....I might feel more attractive. I'd probably have less daily pain, because my arthritis would have less issues carrying me at a healthy weight vs 250 pounds.
Okay, that's that. Sooooo busy. 2 sets of dance students tonight (after a full day of work).
CPAP Streak: 2 days. argh. I'm shooting for 30 days. I can DO THIS for 30 days, right? right!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Yesterday was a good day. I realized...I haven't taken the day after Thanksgiving off in years...like 6? 7? more? What a treat to be home for 4 days! Usually, if I'm off work 4 days, I'm traveling to a dance event somewhere. So, staying home has been a pretty wonderful thing!
Yesterday I worked on going back to the doctor's plan for me for food. I dug out the papers she'd given me and reminded myself of the plan. I share it here, not because I think everyone should drop what they're doing and do this - but because I'm always curious about what others are doing and I figure, you are too, LOL. Remember, this was set for me by my physician for a variety of health reasons and shouldn't be considered The Plan for all, LOL. There. That disclaimer out of the way:
1. Eat every 2-3 hours
2. Each meal - 15 gm protein, 20 gm low GI carb (i.e. veggies), 6 gm of high quality oil/fat (almonds, coconut oil, etc).
3. Drink half my weight in water - in ounces, of course! i.e., I weigh about 245 that would equal 123 ounces of water (and she recommended starting with 2 glasses a day and adding a glass a day, rather than trying to drown myself the first day, LOL).
4. Supplements - most of which I ran out of long ago and will have to repurchase (slowly because I'm broke), but I still do keep a good-quality multivitamin and fish oil around, so I'll start with that. Because yes, I keep them around, I don't "take" them, LOL.
I'm working on the sleep thing with the CPAP (CPAP streak: 3 days). That's a loong slow road I think, recalibrating your brain and hormones when you haven't had good sleep for years. It's not perfect....the "loaner" mask is not of high quality and while it fits well around my face, the connector to the hose will pop off the mask with very little provocation (i.e. moving a little) then I rip the mask off and shut off the machine - pretty much in my sleep. That typically happens around 3 a.m. However, I've been working on if I'm slightly aware (i.e. awake) saying to myself, you have to fix that don't just take it off and sometimes, I'm able to follow through. So, I'll keep working it. Next sleep doc appointment is in about 3 weeks.
I really appreciate the folks who have kept checking on me and supporting me (and you new folks too!). The support of Spark People is what brings me back again and again...we're lucky to have such a great site!
Enjoy your weekend folks!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Back to day one.
Let's not discuss how many times I've been here, only celebrate that I chose to do it again.
CPAP Streak: Day 2 - I'd gotten up to about a month and then...yeah. So, back on again.
Food: Back to what the doctor that used to be here said: eat every 2-3 hours, protein with every meal/snack, keep it around 200-300 cal a meal. Cut the grains, rice and potatoes.
First this morning was breakfast. I have a hard time getting breakfast in, I just don't feel hungry...but that was one of her big deals for me, so I did it. Two scrambled eggs with a cup of broccoli and a lil cheese and salsa. Funny how when you aren't hungry, that looks like a LOT of food, LOL. But, I did it.
Yes, I know - for all of you who posted about Medifast. Yes, I do know. That's why I haven't done it. I did prepackaged meals before...I did a supervised fast before. What I lost? A lot of money. Said I'd never do it again. So my post wasn't really that I was tempted to do it or that I felt sorry for myself I couldn't afford to do it....it was about being frustrated as hell. Reminding myself this a.m. of WHY it's going to be a long, slow road:
1) Hormone issues. My hormones are all out of whack, as proved by lots of money thrown at testing. WAY too much of somethings and nothing of others. Rebalancing that is a long slow road, especially at perimenopause.
3) Sleep apnea/sleep issues for the last oh, 30 years. It's proven that this keeps fat people fat and also has effect on hormones.
4) Breaking years of eating "cheap" - filling up on carbs because they were cheap it it was all I could afford. The problem, they're still cheap and what I can afford on one income and 4 people to feed. But, I'm going to do the best I can do.
That's all it comes down to, the best I can do day in and day out.
Yep, the Pollyanna hat is firmly squashed back onto my head. This is a good thing, because I didn't like the alternative.....
There are 39 days til New Years. I want to see how I can do going back to building the diet habits from the doc. So....let's do this thing! :)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Last night while scrolling through Facebook, a friend posted pictures of her before last thanksgiving, and her now. She's lost about 30 pounds. Her partner has lost 40 pounds. I 'liked' the picture and wrote "wow, you look GREAT!" because, she does! Then I went to the link she'd provided and it was......
And suddenly, my eyes were full of tears. Tears of frustration, self pity, sadness, and anger.
Give or take 5 pounds, I weigh the same as last year. I also felt, during those tears, a moment of envy, of jealousy that my friend had lost weight.
And then I cried further for having such terrible thoughts. I've said many times, I wouldn't wish this obesity on my worst enemy...and yet, my friend has success and I'm jealous?
Many thoughts went through my head in the following hours. "not good enough" "didn't try hard enough" "hopeless". I went to bed and felt ...well, hopeless.
I got up this a.m. and I'm not sure how I feel. Not hopeless, I apparently have too much pollyanna in me for that, LOL. No longer jealous of my friend, I really AM happy for her.
I looked at Medifast again (though I've vowed no more prepackaged food plans, I looked anyway). It's hideously expensive (around $300 a month for a woman) at a time when only one of us is employed (yes, we found out Jodie didn't get the job last night as well). I can't justify that in my life, even if I wanted to try it again.
So what can I do? Continue my journey with Sparkpeople. Eat as the doctor advised me. Give myself time, and compassion. Stay off the scales for awhile.
That breakdown of tears over my weight was the first in a long time. Did it leave me with fresh enthusiasm and drive? um, no. But it did perhaps refocus me.
So today, the day of food in the states, Thanksgiving, I'm going to work on moderation and do a lot of thinking about what I want, what I'm capable of, etc.
And, as my dad would say, I'm thankful to be on the "right side of the grass" to be able to work on my body and keep on keepin' on.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
CPAP Streak: 16 days, most nights it stays on all night, some nites it still ends up ripped off and on the floor. But, it's been put on every night.
Been a stressful week....budget cuts at work resulted in someone being let go. Scary stuff.
Jodie has not heard back on her interview Monday with her dream job. Not taking it too well.
Realized my son was being really crabby and looked at his meds...and no, he hasn't been taking them.
Yep, that kinda week.
This weekend will be spent cleaning, annual prop management inspection coming up this week.
Oh, the joy.
But...I also plan to do some beading. Watch the Avengers. And, we pulled out a fun 1000 pc puzzle to start.
See? Nothing's all bad. There's always some good, there's always something to enjoy and look forward to....
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