Friday, November 23, 2012
Back to day one.
Let's not discuss how many times I've been here, only celebrate that I chose to do it again.
CPAP Streak: Day 2 - I'd gotten up to about a month and then...yeah. So, back on again.
Food: Back to what the doctor that used to be here said: eat every 2-3 hours, protein with every meal/snack, keep it around 200-300 cal a meal. Cut the grains, rice and potatoes.
First this morning was breakfast. I have a hard time getting breakfast in, I just don't feel hungry...but that was one of her big deals for me, so I did it. Two scrambled eggs with a cup of broccoli and a lil cheese and salsa. Funny how when you aren't hungry, that looks like a LOT of food, LOL. But, I did it.
Yes, I know - for all of you who posted about Medifast. Yes, I do know. That's why I haven't done it. I did prepackaged meals before...I did a supervised fast before. What I lost? A lot of money. Said I'd never do it again. So my post wasn't really that I was tempted to do it or that I felt sorry for myself I couldn't afford to do it....it was about being frustrated as hell. Reminding myself this a.m. of WHY it's going to be a long, slow road:
1) Hormone issues. My hormones are all out of whack, as proved by lots of money thrown at testing. WAY too much of somethings and nothing of others. Rebalancing that is a long slow road, especially at perimenopause.
3) Sleep apnea/sleep issues for the last oh, 30 years. It's proven that this keeps fat people fat and also has effect on hormones.
4) Breaking years of eating "cheap" - filling up on carbs because they were cheap it it was all I could afford. The problem, they're still cheap and what I can afford on one income and 4 people to feed. But, I'm going to do the best I can do.
That's all it comes down to, the best I can do day in and day out.
Yep, the Pollyanna hat is firmly squashed back onto my head. This is a good thing, because I didn't like the alternative.....
There are 39 days til New Years. I want to see how I can do going back to building the diet habits from the doc. So....let's do this thing! :)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Last night while scrolling through Facebook, a friend posted pictures of her before last thanksgiving, and her now. She's lost about 30 pounds. Her partner has lost 40 pounds. I 'liked' the picture and wrote "wow, you look GREAT!" because, she does! Then I went to the link she'd provided and it was......
And suddenly, my eyes were full of tears. Tears of frustration, self pity, sadness, and anger.
Give or take 5 pounds, I weigh the same as last year. I also felt, during those tears, a moment of envy, of jealousy that my friend had lost weight.
And then I cried further for having such terrible thoughts. I've said many times, I wouldn't wish this obesity on my worst enemy...and yet, my friend has success and I'm jealous?
Many thoughts went through my head in the following hours. "not good enough" "didn't try hard enough" "hopeless". I went to bed and felt ...well, hopeless.
I got up this a.m. and I'm not sure how I feel. Not hopeless, I apparently have too much pollyanna in me for that, LOL. No longer jealous of my friend, I really AM happy for her.
I looked at Medifast again (though I've vowed no more prepackaged food plans, I looked anyway). It's hideously expensive (around $300 a month for a woman) at a time when only one of us is employed (yes, we found out Jodie didn't get the job last night as well). I can't justify that in my life, even if I wanted to try it again.
So what can I do? Continue my journey with Sparkpeople. Eat as the doctor advised me. Give myself time, and compassion. Stay off the scales for awhile.
That breakdown of tears over my weight was the first in a long time. Did it leave me with fresh enthusiasm and drive? um, no. But it did perhaps refocus me.
So today, the day of food in the states, Thanksgiving, I'm going to work on moderation and do a lot of thinking about what I want, what I'm capable of, etc.
And, as my dad would say, I'm thankful to be on the "right side of the grass" to be able to work on my body and keep on keepin' on.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
CPAP Streak: 16 days, most nights it stays on all night, some nites it still ends up ripped off and on the floor. But, it's been put on every night.
Been a stressful week....budget cuts at work resulted in someone being let go. Scary stuff.
Jodie has not heard back on her interview Monday with her dream job. Not taking it too well.
Realized my son was being really crabby and looked at his meds...and no, he hasn't been taking them.
Yep, that kinda week.
This weekend will be spent cleaning, annual prop management inspection coming up this week.
Oh, the joy.
But...I also plan to do some beading. Watch the Avengers. And, we pulled out a fun 1000 pc puzzle to start.
See? Nothing's all bad. There's always some good, there's always something to enjoy and look forward to....
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Time has flown this last few weeks....
Dancing is up, walking is down. There is only so much time in the day and right now I'm getting paid for teaching dance, so that's where my priority lay. But, at least it's still movement and I'm breaking a good sweat.
Food is okay. Still struggling to get those fruits and veggies in on a daily basis - but for now (crossing fingers) no more gut pain from diverticulitis.
CPAP Streak: 13 days. Over the weekend I experimented with not using the Ambien....and discovered, it really is what makes the difference between keeping the mask on and ripping it off at 2 or 3 in the morning. So, Ambien it is.
Jodie had her job interview yesterday...and we are on pins and needles. Two positions, 9 people interviewed. It would mean a huge change for us - not scrabbling week to week on one paycheck, always one car problem or broken appliance away from disaster. She did the best she could, now it's out of our hands. Hoping and praying.
The upcoming holidays....I used to LOVE the holidays, I decorated, baked, made gifts...but working full time, less money to shift around....I've sort of stopped loving the holidays. I'm hoping to rekindle the love this year...regardless of our financial situation. Decorating, enjoying time with family, etc. Little seasonal depressing creeping around the edges...on top of the stress of life...well, I know it could swing either way. I could become blue and down and not interested in the holidays or view them as a burden. But for now, I choose to try to look forward to them, feel happy about them, and do the things I can do that I enjoy.
Our society is so material driven...we are bombarded constantly by advertising of things we should want. No wonder it's hard to find contentment. It takes work. It takes focus on what you really need vs focus on all the things they want you to buy to "make" you happy.
Well, that's another long blog post of its own and it's time to get in the shower. :) Have a fabulous day folks!
Saturday, November 03, 2012
Very grateful today is Saturday! Grateful the house is silent right now and I'm the only one up. Work was stressful and crazy this week, and my patience with people is stretched a bit thin. Hoping to stay home most of the weekend to recharge.
CPAP Streak: 11 days. Went for my follow up to my sleep study, found I'd still been having some snoring and hypoapneas (shallow breathing) on the previous pressure (8) and that was why they upped the pressure to 11. Respiratory therapist asked why I hadn't replaced my mask (6 years old), and I told him I haven't met my deductible, I'm the only one working, etc and I just haven't been able to scrape up extra money, especially with new medical bills from the diverticulitis attack and now another sleep study. He said, your mask is old, it's leaking and not providing the level of treatment you need, I'm going to send you home with a mask today, and it will be considered a "loaner". What a blessing! So I went home with a brand new mask, headgear and tubing. New mask is smaller and more lightweight than the old one and gets a much better seal, so no air leaks. I can't say I'm at the point of waking up refreshed in the morning, but I'm being compliant and that's 90% of the battle.
Weight seems stuck again. I'm dancing a lot, eating more fruits and veggies, and more worried about my health than specifically my weight, so I'm not down about it.
My partner has an interview Monday at the local Community College for a security position. This would solve so many, many problems for us. There are 2 positions and they are interviewing 10 people. She has experience as a corrections officer at a prison in Louisiana, among other excellent credentials, and it seems like she'd be a great fit for this job, but as we know too well, it's not in the bag. She has gotten to the top 2 candidates in job after job, and wasn't the one chosen, or worse yet, no interview at all. The job market here is sooooo stiff. So, we've got all our good thoughts pinned on Monday's interview.....
That's it for me. :) Have a terrific Saturday!
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