Wednesday, December 05, 2012
In 88 days, I will again compete at a bellydance competition in Tacoma, Washington.
I'm sad to say, that despite a lot of work in the last 9 months...I'm pretty much at the same weight as then.
That realization really took the wind out of my sails this a.m. There's a part of me that says "oh good grief, just quit - quit worrying about the weight, quit trying so hard and just be as you are." Along with some negative self talk about how obviously I "can't" do it for whatever reason - health issues, don't "try hard enough" and don't deserve to lose weight because I'm not thinking about it and working it 24/7.
I've done a lot of work on it the last 9 months. Why hasn't it changed? (this is a rhetorical question, please do me a favor and don't answer it, LOL!).
Well there are a lot of potential answers to that:
1. I didn't try hard enough.
2. My menopausal/hormone whacked/insulin resistant body isn't going to let go of it till it wants to.
3. I was meant to be obese.
Hmm. Let's look at those separately:
1. "I didn't try hard enough" - I'm thinking of all the walks I took this summer, all the veggies I've added to my diet, all the sweets I've turned away, all the nights spent wrestling with the CPAP, all the dance classes I've taught and sweated through this fall, and all the wheat products I've refused over the last few months. Have I been perfect? Nope. Have I tried? Darn right I've tried - so this one is a no go for me. I'm not buying it.
2. "My menopausal/hormone whacked/insulin resistant body isn't going to let go of it till it wants to" - While partly this leads me to feeling defeated (it doesn't matter how hard I try, my body is against me kinda feelings) - I suspect there's a large bit of responsibility for no change to be laid here. I have not forgotten the doctor literally putting her hand over mine and saying "Lisa, you're menopausal, your hormones are hugely out of balance and you are insulin resistant, it is going to be very hard for you to lose weight".
3. "I was meant to be obese." Yep, runs in the family - got it on both sides. My genetics may be biased toward heaviness. Well, heart disease, diabetes, arthritis also are prevalent in my family (as well, or because of?) and I don't believe I have to just lay down and die from it.
So, where does this lead me? I KNOW I'm trying. That much is certainly true. (I'll interject here that at one time a former Spark Friend said "well, if you were trying you'd be losing weight - if you aren't losing weight, you aren't trying hard enough - work harder!" Note the former in front of Spark Friend - I gave her the boot!). Yes, I do have some things that I can't control making it difficult.
But I refuse to give up. I guess, along with heart disease, I inherited a Pollyanna attitude somewhere that makes me keep on trying, keep believing it's possible, keep believing I CAN do this....
How? If what I'm doing isn't working....how? Well, I'm reminding myself to be PATIENT. I've been eating the doc's way for about a week now. It's going to take TIME and consistency. Consistency to keep increasing my fiber and veggies, Consistency to keep refusing wheat products, Consistency to keep putting that blasted CPAP on night after night.
88 days. What kind of a change can I make come about in 88 days?
Let's see, shall we?
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
CPAP Streak: 2 days.
Wheat free: 5 days (well, maybe not "free" - 95%?)
Lost: 1 pound.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Wheat Free (99% anyway): 3 days
CPAP: Epic fail, restart tonight
Yesterday was definitely a lazy day...read, did some beading, took a looong nap, went to a friend's birthday dinner, then went to a local queer function. The last was also an epic fail....we've had pretty much no success making friends with other queer folk - we seem to live in an extremely cliquish queer community and breaking the barrier and making friends has been pretty unsuccessful. Doesn't bother me that much, but it really bothers Jodie. So a good day ended on a disappointing note. Me, I figure a friend is a friend and I'm not going to quibble about whether they're queer or not, but Jodie needs queer friends and it just hasn't happened...in seven years. Yeah, disappointing. (or the friends she has made have turned out to be...not such great friends after all).
The wheat free thing...so much easier when not at home. The friend's BD dinner was all Paleo based, so that was no problem to hang in with it while eating out. At home? much harder. I feel better (less arthritic symptoms, etc) tho so.....yep, going to keep working on it.
Working the SuperBetter thing...but it takes TIME, one of my less abundant commodities. But, doing it nonetheless.
The CPAP thing: note to self: Just take the d*mn Ambien. I was so tired last night, I thought I don't need no stinkin' Ambien....then I tossed and turned all night long and couldn't stand having the CPAP on at all. Take the Ambien.
Today: Chores and Christmas decorating! Trying to be upbeat about the holiday, tho it's looking like each kid will get $50 cash and a movie ticket and that's it this year....no child support in five months, a huge cut in the yearly christmas bonus from work and well....I'm feeling lucky to do THAT much. They're okay with it, but I hate it....We don't have lavish Christmases by ANY means, but this will be the smallest ever and that's a bit sucky. But...when I feel overwhelmed by it, I do a list of gratitudes and feel better. Much, much better than nothing.
So, upward and onward!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Loong week, glad to wave goodbye to it!
Some successes this week:
CPAP 4x out of 5 nights.
Increasing my low GI veggies is actually happening and not just the plan!
Yesterday, no wheat products at all - and I didn't even think about it till the end of the night when I realized...hey, I really did it, I avoided wheat all day!
By tonight I will have had 5 hours cardio this week - which is my goal!
So woo hoo!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
I've found a fun site. It's not SparkPeople, certainly not a replacement in my opinion, but it's FUN, it's different and I'm enjoying it. It's sort of ...a game. A healthy living game. Dunno, check it out yerselves, LOL. This is my activity from there for today and I thought I'd post it here.
YOUR QUEST: Take a dose of honesty and write a paragraph about how it is to be above your ideal weight. No one else will ever read this unless you show it to them—this is just for you.
Okay. Here's my paragraph.
How is it to be above my ideal weight? Well...it's hard. I never know from day to day what is going to fit when I go into the closet. I feel self concious about my body in different aspects. I love to dance, but when I see the body I'm using, it's distracting to the dance. The small, muscular moves I've worked so hard to learn to do well don't show up as well, because the body is covered in layers of fat. Shopping is a big pain in the butt, becuase at 5", clothes that are my size are all sized for giants...apparently, if you are a size 2x, you MUST be 6.5 feet tall...I'm tired a lot, my knees hurt and sometimes I have a hard time getting in and out of booths at restaurants, or bending to tie my shoes....and those moments are embarrassing and hard.
Now make a list of what you imagine losing weight might help you achieve or do. Put this list somewhere you can see it every day for motivation and refocusing.
Well, that list might look like:
I could buy an "off the rack" dance costume and it would...fit. I could easily go to the floor for yoga or stretching and back up again. I could bend over to tie my shoes. I'd probably have a LOT more ennergy. I'd be more self confident. Perhaps shopping would be fun, to be able to try things on that would fit....I might feel more attractive. I'd probably have less daily pain, because my arthritis would have less issues carrying me at a healthy weight vs 250 pounds.
Okay, that's that. Sooooo busy. 2 sets of dance students tonight (after a full day of work).
CPAP Streak: 2 days. argh. I'm shooting for 30 days. I can DO THIS for 30 days, right? right!
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