Monday, December 31, 2012
Today would have been my mother's 80th birthday. She died this summer. We had not spoken in over a decade.
(*Note: My mother was severely mentally ill and untreated by her choice her entire adult life.)
As I ponder 2013, and what I want to achieve - I want to take a moment to realize what I have already achieved that my mother never accomplished, due to her illness and refusal (and the refusal of her family) to get help because mental illness was taboo resulting in her illness eventually taking her over completely:
I attended college.
I have held a job, including leadership responsibilities, for well over a decade.
I have raised my children with the understanding it's important to say you're sorry - that you make mistakes - even when you are an adult, if not more importantly when you are an adult.
I never abandoned my children, regardless of how hard it was (or is).
I sought help for my depression.
I put others before myself (tho this is a double edged sword and I need to work on BALANCE in this area).
I made certain that people were more important to me than money, status, or what the neighbor's think.
I have protected my children to the best of my ability.
I have broken the cycle. The cycle of abuse, of abandonment, of mental illness breaking a family.
Happy Birthday Mom. I don't have many good memories of this date in my life...but today, I can see clearly what I have accomplished and I can move on.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
I'm not a big resolutions fan, mostly because I haven't had incredible success with them.
Goals, however, are more concrete for me and for some reason easier.
In thinking about this, about goal setting for the coming year - these are some of my thoughts:
What are my top priorities this year? Health, financial stability, and learning to love myself.
That last one....boy howdy, that's a doozy. I feel more overwhelmed considering that alone than all three put together!
I'm pretty aware of where it comes from- this lack of love, lack of caring for myself. I can say logically that I'm fully aware that we must care for ourselves before we can care for others - just like on a plane, you put your oxygen on first, then help others put theirs on. I get it. I believe it. Yet, I have a hard time practicing that.
I suspect it impacts my health, and likely the financial stability, in a significant way.
I have the better part of the next week off. I'm going to use it to really think about these things....about my goals, what I really want and prioritizing the things that take my time and attention to reflect that.
How do YOU do at loving yourself? Do you think this has impacted your health/weight? Inquiring minds want to know...
Thursday, December 27, 2012
I've been reading Mark Sisson's The Primal Blueprint. Very interesting. One of his catchy phrases is "conventional wisdom" i.e. that nutrition advice we've been raised with, especially "whole grains are the most important thing you can eat!!"
After reading "Wheat Belly", I became firmly convinced that for myself - I won't speak for the rest of you - wheat had to GO. It's been a long road getting it gone, but overall, I'm happy I've done it.
Now other authors, including Sisson, are leading me into a way of eating that goes against all that "conventional wisdom". This lead me to think today about where has conventional wisdom gotten me?
It's gotten me to 258 pounds at my highest weight, insulin resistant, skin problems, depression, and arthritis, that's where it's gotten me.
After ending my love affair with wheat mid November, I can FEEL the difference in my body, in my mood, and in my energy levels.
I keep seeing advertising on "healthy whole grains" and I think about how I felt when I ate them....exhausted, HUNGRY all the time, itchy itchy itchy skin and a poor mood.
I'm still learning, still researching, still seeing what works for me. It's not easy. No one else at home is on board with this idea of eating. I work with medical professionals who, if I shared this with them, would come undone with me about it! So I keep my mouth shut and move on toward what I need to do for myself.
One day at a time, one meal at a time.
Friday, December 21, 2012
72 days til competition.
No progress toward choreography/costuming due to an intense load at work wearing me out and holiday stuff taking what little/time energy I have left.
CPAP Streak; Back to 1 day.
Wheat Free: 2 days.
I'm noticing the changes in my body from not eating wheat, and when I do indulge, I sure notice that too. I've been doing a lot of reading, and while some of my own health history is still raising questions, I feel like I'm doing something positive by avoiding grains - something that makes a difference. I have more energy, less skin issues (tho they are still there), and I'm noticing less anxiety as well. So, we'll continue on and see.
So far, 4 pounds lost. It's taken over a month to do it, but it's still gone. More than that, I again see the change in my belly. It's going down. I've lost almost 2 inches off my waistline from "wheat bloat".
Veggies still seem to be an issue - as in getting more of them. I'll just keep plugging away at that.
Frankly, I'll be glad for the holidays to get done with!
Monday, December 17, 2012
76 days til Competition in Tacoma
Yesterday, I felt achy all day. Knee hurt, back hurt, all the arthritic spots hurt. Had a low-level headache all day. Wondered what was going on....was I reacting to the incoming weather change/storms?
Then I realized, I ate wheat. That was what my body was reacting to. Yep, I ate it willingly, no one tied me down and force fed me, LOL. And my body had it's say about it. In the aches and pains....and other less pleasantly described ways we won't go into.
So, no wheat...back to scratch on that streak. It's okay. I knew this week would be difficult and I knew it might happen. And...I'm going right back to no wheat today.
I see the sleep doctor today. He is very kind, I don't expect a "spanking", lol. Hopefully he will see the continued effort...and the fact I didn't blow off the appointment. I am serious about continuing to work on my CPAP compliance.
I'm not sure what the scale will say today, but I had a 3 pound loss last week - that actually stayed 3 days in a row, so.... yeah. Cool beans. We'll see if it's still there today after eating some lovely wheat products over the weekend!
I have three pounds till my first goal - 245. I set the goal to lose 7 pounds and get to 245 for December 31 a few weeks ago. The last 2 weeks was the first time the scale had moved in about 3 weeks of trying very hard to follow paleo. We'll see what happens this next week.....
Tried my first almond butter this weekend, the "old fashioned" grind your own at the store kind. it was okay. Nothing fabulous. A change from peanut butter perhaps. If anyone has any great suggestions for a fabulous almond butter I'm missing out on...that'd be awesome. :)
Here's to Monday!
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