NOREGRET2010   49,206
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I need to get over myself

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

All of a sudden after lunch I just got...discouraged. Feeling like I'm not going anywhere. Thinking about binging - i.e. comfort.

It's that internal demon..."this is too hard. it won't work anyway...what does it matter? You are never going to lose all this weight, so why keep trying?"

I didn't eat (yet, tho I know that is by grace and not my own will)...I'm trying to dive into SP and not give in to the "just eat, you'll feel better" mode.

i've medicated myself with food to 250 pounds. I CAN NOT KEEP DOING IT AND LIVE. It's going to kill me.

What to do:
1. Express my feelings (doing that here).
2. Get up, walk around during my break and MOVE.
3. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - this is but one afternoon in a lifetime of afternoons where the demon may poke at me internally. I can give in today like I have so many, many, many days before and be miserable. Or I can stick it out one more hour, one more minute at a time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHANGELXOX 12/5/2007 12:01AM

    I have been feeling the same exact way! It's the internal demons that are the hardest to fight...

*sending support your way*

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HUSKY_HANK 12/4/2007 4:48PM

    Just take it one day at a time and set small daily goals. These small daily goals will help you reach your larger goals. Hang in there.

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It's only Tuesday??

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Wow. Staying in the top 20 for points on the LC is a much harder proposition than it was this time last month. Perhaps there weren't any challenges going on or something....but I've had to conciously WORK at making sure I get as many points a day as possible to stay there. Of course, you get the most points for cardio, lol, so that's what I'm working on! I may even be counting them a little low now that I think about it...we have 2 hour rehearsals and I usually just give myself 60 minutes for them as we do have some talking time, get water etc...Hmm. I should try and pay more attention next troupe night, maybe I'm shortchanging myself!

Ever have to stand up to a boss about something you KNOW is not right? That's what I did today. I work with seven bosses, LOL, doctors. One of them left me a note to do something that...doesn't sit right with me. It makes her look's not a really big deal in terms of patient care...but it's not "right" you know? So....I documented why I was saying no and I Of course, that doc isn't IN I have until tomorrow to worry about her reaction. I believe 110% that I am in the right...but that doesn't make it easy.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOWEDELITEFUL 12/4/2007 4:37PM

    Good for you! It's important to stand up for what we feel is right and not just go along.

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HUSKY_HANK 12/4/2007 2:50PM

    Way to stick up for your beliefs.

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December Goals

Monday, December 03, 2007

1. Stay in top 20 on the LC team
2. Continue modifying my food choices and intake.
3. Continue building my cardio stamina by doing cardio as much as possible, preferrably 5 x a week.
4. Not step on the scale till Jan 1 - no matter how much I want to peek!
5. Continue daily reflection by blogging here on my journey to health.
6. Continue to build the habit of drinking water.
7. Work all my going home early.
8. Do something FUN every day.
9. Make time to plan for what I want to happen dance-wise in 2008.
10. Continue to work on taking care of myself, physically and emotionally.

Mainly, continue to work on getting healthy REALISTICALLY. It won't be over won't ever be over. So I can make the journey enjoyable or I can make it hard. I choose the former.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUSKY_HANK 12/3/2007 3:05PM

    Way to write your goals down and be accountable.

Keep us updated!

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Christmas List

Sunday, December 02, 2007 partner says..."would you PLEASE write down some things you'd like to have for Christmas????"

I say..."oh I'm happy with whatever you get me!!"

she says "NO, I mean would you PLEASE do it? You never ask for anything, i want to know what you really WANT...even if it's wild and crazy out of our reach..."

I've sat here for 1.5 hours this a.m. trying to make a list. I've made myself anxious and agitated over it. I finally realized I feel guilty asking for anything over $20. I know it's ridiculous - but there you have it. I finally just quit trying. Maybe I should ask for a gift certificate for therapy for god sake.

Learning to take care of myself has been a huge hurdle. Learning to buy basic necessities for myself without feeling guilty was the first step...then it was not buying the cheapest thing I could find...actually spending a little money and having something NICE, you know? That was a HUGE struggle. THEN, not feeling so guilty about it I felt physically ill afterward...

But i've finally gotten to the point that the above doesn't push me over the edge. Apparentlly I'm not equipped to make lists to ask other people to get me stuff yet.

I was a single parent w/4 kids and no child support until recently - my family of origin turned their backs on me when i came out and I had literally no one but two friends that stuck by me....I survived and I provided for my kids - but apparently I did such a good job of blocking out taking care of me in favor of taking care of the kids that now I don't know how to stop!!

What a long road this journey can's NOT just about the weight, that's for to take care of myself - THAT is the journey.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 12/2/2007 7:10PM

    I can relate too. I'll always 'find' the money for cool/new stuff for the kids...but put myself last. I think a lot of women have this problem. I'll give you an Xmas list idea...PS2 + DDR :)

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HUSKY_HANK 12/2/2007 11:02AM

    I have the same problem. It is really hard for me to put my needs first. That is something I may put on my New years Resolution.

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November Recap

Friday, November 30, 2007

I will be busy putting up the tree and doing family stuff tomorrow, so I'm recapping my month today.

My proudest achievement? I stayed in the top 20 points-wise on the LC until like the 15th, got sick and fell out of the top 20 but yesterday, I was back on again! This signifys CONSISTENCY - something I lack in a big way. I run around like an ADD kid from one thing to the next and never stay on anything. This month, I stayed on spark consistently and that is a big deal to me.

I had some ups and downs - part of life. I made it through them, and I did not let them derail me for long. I made better connections with more sparkers and that can only lead to being more involved and accountable.

I don't think I have weight loss to show for it...I've banished my scales. I do know I am down at least half an inch on my hips and around an inch on my waist, that I have a LOT more stamina and I've been teased at least once that the seat of my pants are all baggy all of a sudden. I FEEL better, that is the biggest plus there is.

After feeling like I really made it through November, I can face December - the Month Of Candy - a little more confidently.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 11/30/2007 11:23AM

    You can do it! Good for you!

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HUSKY_HANK 11/30/2007 9:49AM

    That is awesome!

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ZESTYLADY 11/30/2007 9:45AM

    Way to go! You strong! Ready to rock!

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