NOREGRET2010   49,892
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Christmas List

Sunday, December 02, 2007

So....my partner says..."would you PLEASE write down some things you'd like to have for Christmas????"

I say..."oh I'm happy with whatever you get me!!"

she says "NO, I mean would you PLEASE do it? You never ask for anything, i want to know what you really WANT...even if it's wild and crazy out of our reach..."

I've sat here for 1.5 hours this a.m. trying to make a list. I've made myself anxious and agitated over it. I finally realized I feel guilty asking for anything over $20. I know it's ridiculous - but there you have it. I finally just quit trying. Maybe I should ask for a gift certificate for therapy for god sake.

Learning to take care of myself has been a huge hurdle. Learning to buy basic necessities for myself without feeling guilty was the first step...then it was not buying the cheapest thing I could find...actually spending a little money and having something NICE, you know? That was a HUGE struggle. THEN, not feeling so guilty about it I felt physically ill afterward...

But i've finally gotten to the point that the above doesn't push me over the edge. Apparentlly I'm not equipped to make lists to ask other people to get me stuff yet.

I was a single parent w/4 kids and no child support until recently - my family of origin turned their backs on me when i came out and I had literally no one but two friends that stuck by me....I survived and I provided for my kids - but apparently I did such a good job of blocking out taking care of me in favor of taking care of the kids that now I don't know how to stop!!

What a long road this journey can be...it's NOT just about the weight, that's for sure...how to take care of myself - THAT is the journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 12/2/2007 7:10PM

    I can relate too. I'll always 'find' the money for cool/new stuff for the kids...but put myself last. I think a lot of women have this problem. I'll give you an Xmas list idea...PS2 + DDR :)

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HUSKY_HANK 12/2/2007 11:02AM

    I have the same problem. It is really hard for me to put my needs first. That is something I may put on my New years Resolution.

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November Recap

Friday, November 30, 2007

I will be busy putting up the tree and doing family stuff tomorrow, so I'm recapping my month today.

My proudest achievement? I stayed in the top 20 points-wise on the LC until like the 15th, got sick and fell out of the top 20 but yesterday, I was back on again! This signifys CONSISTENCY - something I lack in a big way. I run around like an ADD kid from one thing to the next and never stay on anything. This month, I stayed on spark consistently and that is a big deal to me.

I had some ups and downs - part of life. I made it through them, and I did not let them derail me for long. I made better connections with more sparkers and that can only lead to being more involved and accountable.

I don't think I have weight loss to show for it...I've banished my scales. I do know I am down at least half an inch on my hips and around an inch on my waist, that I have a LOT more stamina and I've been teased at least once that the seat of my pants are all baggy all of a sudden. I FEEL better, that is the biggest plus there is.

After feeling like I really made it through November, I can face December - the Month Of Candy - a little more confidently.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 11/30/2007 11:23AM

    You can do it! Good for you!

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HUSKY_HANK 11/30/2007 9:49AM

    That is awesome!

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ZESTYLADY 11/30/2007 9:45AM

    Way to go! You strong! Ready to rock!

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I feel good...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

So, I wrote this really long post documenting what a really successful week this has been as far as tracking, working out hard enough to break a sweat, blah blah blah....

and when I tried to post it, it disappeared.

Stupid computer.

I'm feeling really good about my program right this minute, and CONSISTENCY is really starting to show, which is good. Guess that sums it all up...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

READYCANADIAN 11/29/2007 2:41PM

    Glad you're feeling good Sahara! Maybe your blog is somewhere with my diet coke syrup - lol.

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HUSKY_HANK 11/29/2007 12:09PM

    I hate it when sp eats my blogs.

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And then, I started eating....

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

woo boy. I just tracked the rest of my food for yesterday and it's really not pretty. Close to DOUBLE my calorie range.

I got triggered, I knew it and I just could not stop. The only good thing I can say is, at least it wasn't just handfuls of candy or whatever, it was dinner.

We're sitting at the table and we have a ritual of everyone saying what was the best part of their day and what was the worst. We get to my 11 yo son Mike, who has been having problems with anger management etc. He says the worst part of the day was when his "ex friend Jeremy blah blah blah"

I said, "why ex-friend? You and Jeremy get into an arguement?" I sort of expected it to be something along the lines of arguing about something Star Wars, lol. Mike is a SW NERDand if his friend wants to pretend something happened that didn't in the movies, well...he will get bent out of shape..it's happened before and that's what I expected...but no....

He says, "He said he's not my friend anymore. He figured out you were gay and he doesn't want to be my friend anymore".

Apparently, since Jodie was working nights and sleeping days, the few times Jeremy came over and heard about "Jodie" he assumed it was a man. He came over last week and met Jodie...and figured out Jodie is not a man, that in fact, Mike has two moms.

I began to eat....and I could not stop. I talked with him about how he felt about it, that part of it went okay...but I could not stop eating. Hurt me all you want....don't hurt my kid. :(

On a happier note, I realize I've been the most active on SP this month than I've ever been and that makes me really happy. It's a new day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NESEAL 11/28/2007 8:20PM

    It's so hard when our children are hurt we want to protect them at any cost to ourselved but in our hearts we know we can't. That realization never gets any easier but, there is balence to that. Maybe we can't shelter them from being hurt but the love, acceptance, and strength we show them gives them what they need to move beyond their pain and disappointment. I am truely sorry he had to experience that...sometimes the world can just be plain stupid & cruel.

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READYCANADIAN 11/28/2007 1:29PM

    Poor little guy. Kro's right - Jeremy will become a thing of the past but you'll always be there. Good for you for being so active. One day at a time - you will do this :)

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KRO-BAR 11/28/2007 12:51PM

    Good for you for getting on to spark and logging it all in. It might help for future triggers? Your son will eventually forget his stupid friend Jeremy but will remember how strong his mom was to make a life change to get healthier!

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MEACASE2001 11/28/2007 12:43PM

    Yes, it is a new day! I am sure it did hurt knowing your son was hurt. I am sorry about that. Kids can be so cruel...

Hang in there - and you will do just fine!

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34 days left...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Till 2008. I feel very good about yesterday...I tracked every bite I ate, even the 4 Hershey's kisses....usually...well, let's not talk about how I would have dealt with the kisses. By writing it down, I ate exactly what I wrote...rather than "sneaking" one, then 2...then 35. I wrote I would eat 4, I took 4 from the bag, got my book, went to bed..when the 4 were gone, turned out the light and went to sleep. Small victory, but a satisfying one.

I did strength and a good hour plus of cardio...we had dance rehersal and the sweat was running off me...and it felt great...sort of what I imagine runner's high is like...

We worked hard...and it all came together...I felt like jumping up and down I was happy. I started this troupe several years ago. I got a lot of flak about stuff..."that's too hard!!" "make it easier" and gradually...my dreams for it wilted. People have cycled in and out tho...and right now, I have a team of women who WORK for it..who WANT to do the hard stuff...who WANT to travel and compete...and I'm very happy. That translates into wanting to be in better shape and increase my stamina more...and today, I feel pretty good about the journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STHRNSHUTTERBUG 11/27/2007 9:38PM

    That is great that you're keeping your goals. And a good tip on the chocolates. I'm the same way about snacking, whatever it is, i start out saying well, just one...and it ends up the whole bag. I'm gonna try your trick!

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SUSIEQ911 11/27/2007 7:05PM

    Great job!

I need to get back to doing that too!

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HUSKY_HANK 11/27/2007 12:47PM

    Good job on tracking EVERYTHING!

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