Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I am barely hanging on to my goal of staying in the top 20 on the lesbian cafe leader boards...I can usually get into one of the last few spots after I've entered all my food, fitness and done my posting, article reading etc...but it's been a lot harder this month...that must mean the challenge is really motivating everyone, which is pretty cool! Whether I make the actual 20 the whole month or not, I'm pretty happy with my progress in working on consistency...so it's all good.
I dreamed about my mom last night. Between the hives/stress thing, my nerves being pretty well stretched to breaking I guess it's not a surprise...but it's left me blue. That kid in me still wants her mommy. She thinks that "maybe this time it will be different." The adult in me says, "yeah, right. Is your mom still mentally ill? Yep. Has she taken any responsibility for the trainwreck that was your childhood? nope. Then news flash little girl....it's not going to change." Someone else recently posted about mental illness in their family and how hard it is ..... I so relate. It reminds me of meeting a friend durig the holidays a few years ago...and he asked me what I was doing for my parents for christmas..and I sort of stepped around it saying "I'm not close to my mom" and he gave me this little lecture about "now that's not right, she's your MOM!!! We all have little things that hurt, but you have to let go of it and just enjoy her while you still have her, after all you only have one mom!!" and I thought, buddy, you don't have a CLUE.
I can't change my mom. I can't change my experience with her. All I can control is ME...and be the best mom I can be for my kids.
But I still wish I had a mom.
Monday, December 10, 2007
You know...I used to go to CoDA (codependants anonymous). I'm thinking it might be a good idea to find a meeting or at the very least, drag out some reading material again.
A therapist once said to me (in a very upper crust British accent) "Tell me Lisa, who died and made you responsible for the world?" He made me sooooo mad with that...but my he was right on. Dammit.
I'm so stressed out over things I have no control of, that I'm suffering HIVES for God's sake.
Getting through the holidays is going to be a lot harder if I don't chill out and let stuff go, aye? So in that theme:
1. I will take my antidepressant every single solitary day, no matter what.
2. I will make sure I am getting proper nutrition and not filling my body with sugar.
3. I will get adequate sleep.
4. Corny as it may sound, I will say the serenity prayer in my head before I say a single word in situations where I am not responsible for others actions or behavior.
Oy. It's gonna be a long week.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
All of a sudden after lunch I just got...discouraged. Feeling like I'm not going anywhere. Thinking about binging - i.e. comfort.
It's that internal demon..."this is too hard. it won't work anyway...what does it matter? You are never going to lose all this weight, so why keep trying?"
I didn't eat (yet, tho I know that is by grace and not my own will)...I'm trying to dive into SP and not give in to the "just eat, you'll feel better" mode.
i've medicated myself with food to 250 pounds. I CAN NOT KEEP DOING IT AND LIVE. It's going to kill me.
What to do:
1. Express my feelings (doing that here).
2. Get up, walk around during my break and MOVE.
3. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - this is but one afternoon in a lifetime of afternoons where the demon may poke at me internally. I can give in today like I have so many, many, many days before and be miserable. Or I can stick it out one more hour, one more minute at a time.
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