Friday, December 14, 2007
This is our busy time at work. People have procedures done before their deductible dies, and we just get busy, it's the way of medical offices.
This morning, I walked into my office to an email from a coworker that has me so totally flabbergasted I can hardly hold my mouth shut. The woman is a thorn in my side anyway...and I've long suspected she is plain stupid.
That has been completely verified this morning and it's all I can do not to rant and rave I am so annoyed. We are slammed, crazy busy ..... and we are saddled with a moron on top of it.
My father has no patience for "idiots". It's not a trait I find endearing. He writes people off at first impressions and that's it, they have no more chances. I've tried really hard throughout my life to be more tolerant of people....but this woman pushes my buttons in a way I can not express. So I'm torn between being frustrated at months of trying to train this woman and she is just not getting it...and feeling like I'm acting like my dad because I don't have any patience for her. It's gone. All used up. When she walks in about an hour from now, I'm going to have to school my features very carefully because all that keeps running through my mind is "oh. my. god. you really ARE an idiot, aren't you???"
I'm sliding the wrong way from my goals as well, too busy at work, too busy at home. I will be glad for January and slower work pace and more time to commit to my goals.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I am barely hanging on to my goal of staying in the top 20 on the lesbian cafe leader boards...I can usually get into one of the last few spots after I've entered all my food, fitness and done my posting, article reading etc...but it's been a lot harder this month...that must mean the challenge is really motivating everyone, which is pretty cool! Whether I make the actual 20 the whole month or not, I'm pretty happy with my progress in working on consistency...so it's all good.
I dreamed about my mom last night. Between the hives/stress thing, my nerves being pretty well stretched to breaking I guess it's not a surprise...but it's left me blue. That kid in me still wants her mommy. She thinks that "maybe this time it will be different." The adult in me says, "yeah, right. Is your mom still mentally ill? Yep. Has she taken any responsibility for the trainwreck that was your childhood? nope. Then news flash little girl....it's not going to change." Someone else recently posted about mental illness in their family and how hard it is ..... I so relate. It reminds me of meeting a friend durig the holidays a few years ago...and he asked me what I was doing for my parents for christmas..and I sort of stepped around it saying "I'm not close to my mom" and he gave me this little lecture about "now that's not right, she's your MOM!!! We all have little things that hurt, but you have to let go of it and just enjoy her while you still have her, after all you only have one mom!!" and I thought, buddy, you don't have a CLUE.
I can't change my mom. I can't change my experience with her. All I can control is ME...and be the best mom I can be for my kids.
But I still wish I had a mom.
Monday, December 10, 2007
You know...I used to go to CoDA (codependants anonymous). I'm thinking it might be a good idea to find a meeting or at the very least, drag out some reading material again.
A therapist once said to me (in a very upper crust British accent) "Tell me Lisa, who died and made you responsible for the world?" He made me sooooo mad with that...but my he was right on. Dammit.
I'm so stressed out over things I have no control of, that I'm suffering HIVES for God's sake.
Getting through the holidays is going to be a lot harder if I don't chill out and let stuff go, aye? So in that theme:
1. I will take my antidepressant every single solitary day, no matter what.
2. I will make sure I am getting proper nutrition and not filling my body with sugar.
3. I will get adequate sleep.
4. Corny as it may sound, I will say the serenity prayer in my head before I say a single word in situations where I am not responsible for others actions or behavior.
Oy. It's gonna be a long week.
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