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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I am barely hanging on to my goal of staying in the top 20 on the lesbian cafe leader boards...I can usually get into one of the last few spots after I've entered all my food, fitness and done my posting, article reading etc...but it's been a lot harder this month...that must mean the challenge is really motivating everyone, which is pretty cool! Whether I make the actual 20 the whole month or not, I'm pretty happy with my progress in working on it's all good.

I dreamed about my mom last night. Between the hives/stress thing, my nerves being pretty well stretched to breaking I guess it's not a surprise...but it's left me blue. That kid in me still wants her mommy. She thinks that "maybe this time it will be different." The adult in me says, "yeah, right. Is your mom still mentally ill? Yep. Has she taken any responsibility for the trainwreck that was your childhood? nope. Then news flash little's not going to change." Someone else recently posted about mental illness in their family and how hard it is ..... I so relate. It reminds me of meeting a friend durig the holidays a few years ago...and he asked me what I was doing for my parents for christmas..and I sort of stepped around it saying "I'm not close to my mom" and he gave me this little lecture about "now that's not right, she's your MOM!!! We all have little things that hurt, but you have to let go of it and just enjoy her while you still have her, after all you only have one mom!!" and I thought, buddy, you don't have a CLUE.

I can't change my mom. I can't change my experience with her. All I can control is ME...and be the best mom I can be for my kids.

But I still wish I had a mom.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCARLETTZADE 12/12/2007 4:16AM

    I know the feeling. I haven't spoken to my Mom in over 10 years and sometimes I wish I had a Mother. A REAL Mother.

Just recently my Mom became very ill. We thought she was dying. I couldn't believe how much it hurt. A friend of mine told me that losing my Mom was losing a part of myself, even if she was messed up.

So I went and said goodbye to her and told her I forgave her.

That was big of me I thought. :)

She is getting better now. Yesterday my Father asked me if my feelings had 'changed' towards my Mother. I am not sure how to answer that question. I don't hate her but I wouldn't want her deeply involved in my life either.

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HOWEDELITEFUL 12/11/2007 11:17AM

    while I've been fortunate to have a good, solid mom - there have been times in my life when I've had or found other 'mom's' - wonderful women who were there for me when my mom couldn't be. I'm willing to bet that you've got some wonderful women in your life like that - and while they can never take the place of the 'real mommy' you are wishing for - I'll bet they can and will be a great source of comfort, love, and support for you. Just ask them and they'll be there. And you know we'll support you here - always!! Keep a happy thought today, don't be hard on yourself for any reason, and enjoy all the people that fill your life. You're awesome!!!

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Me? Codependant?

Monday, December 10, 2007

You know...I used to go to CoDA (codependants anonymous). I'm thinking it might be a good idea to find a meeting or at the very least, drag out some reading material again.

A therapist once said to me (in a very upper crust British accent) "Tell me Lisa, who died and made you responsible for the world?" He made me sooooo mad with that...but my he was right on. Dammit.

I'm so stressed out over things I have no control of, that I'm suffering HIVES for God's sake.

Getting through the holidays is going to be a lot harder if I don't chill out and let stuff go, aye? So in that theme:

1. I will take my antidepressant every single solitary day, no matter what.
2. I will make sure I am getting proper nutrition and not filling my body with sugar.
3. I will get adequate sleep.
4. Corny as it may sound, I will say the serenity prayer in my head before I say a single word in situations where I am not responsible for others actions or behavior.

Oy. It's gonna be a long week.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NORTHWEST_TAM 12/11/2007 12:43PM

    Go Lisa! My mother always makes me recite "I can help no one if I can't help myself first." Even if we WANT to save the world and fix every situation, we can't unless we are stable and healthy first. I'm there with you!

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ROYALETBONE 12/10/2007 3:23PM

    Oh, yes-

At least you are not one of what my brother calls- 'co-pathetic'. I have read there are 2 main kinds of mental illness. Personality disorder (those of us who carry the world) and neurotic- (those who blame the world). Personality disorder types are easier to cure, cause they at least look to themselves for the fix!
Yeah, the PD's!

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NOREGRET2010 12/10/2007 11:47AM

    Hi Hank!

You made me laugh there..... :)

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HUSKY_HANK 12/10/2007 11:42AM

    Hi my name is Hank and I am co-dependant.

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Being thrown under the bus...

Thursday, December 06, 2007

So, earlier in the week, I stood up for something...and yesterday was not so hot - repurcussions. I stood my ground...but ended up having my feelings hurt when I discovered someone I've worked with and been friends with for 10+ years sort of pushed me under the bus over the whole thing to cover her own a**. It really upset me....then..on the very heels of that discovery (she is our HR person)...she said something sort of ugly about my having written a formal request for domestic partnership bennies when Oregon goes legal with it Jan 2. something along the lines of she didn't see why someone had "defended" me on my request....

Excuse me? I need to be DEFENDED for asking for equal rights? For writing a very respectful letter to the owning parters that I would really appreciate their consideration of the matter...that requires DEFENSE??

I got pretty upset and overate at the end of the day when my nerves just couldn't take anymore. It wasn't awful or a binge, but it was comforting and I just keep eating...

On a happier note...2 days into my "get up early and do 30 min workout" mini-streak is on it's way, whoo hoo!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LJOHN44 12/6/2007 4:05PM

    You are ENTITLED to equal rights! You shouldn't have to ask for them. People who think otherwise should check out the Constitution! If they don't like it, they should move to another country. Keep your chin up! You are fighting the good fight! Now: Go get your life, liberty and persue your happiness! Hang in there-
: )

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Look, there's a chicken!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

On a T shirt I saw once..."They say I have ADD, but they just don't understand...oh look! a chicken!"

I think, as much as I might like to deny it, that's me. That's me at work. That's me at weight loss efforts. That's me at knitting...dancing...I start stuff I never finish. I am sooo easily distractable it's pathetic. You know how you go into a room and forget what you are looking for? That's me on a minute by minute basis.

I CAN focus sometimes...good book? Can't put it ....I mean I CAN'T put it i get obsessed. I seem to be 90% ADD and 10% OCD - heavy on the obsessive.

I'm working on applying the good parts of this (intense focus, willingness to start over..and over....and over...) toward my weight loss journey to better health. But you know, it's hard....cause there are so many "chickens" to distract me.

Step one was to make the committment to get up 30 minutes early and do specific cardio/strength training. JUST DO IT AND GET 'ER DONE. That means....getting up at 4:30 a.m. Now..I'm an early riser...but I've fought that pretty hard. Today, I just DID it...and as can be expected it started my day off very well and I feel better physically and mentally having done it. Now to just keep ON doing it...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPRINGBOUND 12/5/2007 3:05PM

    Oh, that's how I am, too. Except I'm that way with books as well. *sighs*

Good for you for getting up early to exercise! I did that for a while, but I couldn't sustain it. I was just too wiped out by the end of the week for it to be a permanent thing for me.

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HUSKY_HANK 12/5/2007 1:19PM

    I always tell my friends there are too many shiny objects around. I find myself going to my computer to burn a cd and next thing I know I am surfing of playing a game. I know what you are going thru

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HOWEDELITEFUL 12/5/2007 12:44PM

    LOL! Sahara I am very familiar with that T-shirt. It's a favorite joke between my gf and I - she's ADD. Me - I just procrastinate - thus many projects started and several not finished. Good for you for getting yourself up early to get moving. I've been thinking about it because my days are always over full - I think I'll challenge myself to follow your lead. Thanks!

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READYCANADIAN 12/5/2007 11:58AM

    SAHARA, we're kindred spirits. I'm famous for starting things & not finishing. But not this time! Great job at getting up at 4:30...WOW!

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I need to get over myself

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

All of a sudden after lunch I just got...discouraged. Feeling like I'm not going anywhere. Thinking about binging - i.e. comfort.

It's that internal demon..."this is too hard. it won't work anyway...what does it matter? You are never going to lose all this weight, so why keep trying?"

I didn't eat (yet, tho I know that is by grace and not my own will)...I'm trying to dive into SP and not give in to the "just eat, you'll feel better" mode.

i've medicated myself with food to 250 pounds. I CAN NOT KEEP DOING IT AND LIVE. It's going to kill me.

What to do:
1. Express my feelings (doing that here).
2. Get up, walk around during my break and MOVE.
3. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - this is but one afternoon in a lifetime of afternoons where the demon may poke at me internally. I can give in today like I have so many, many, many days before and be miserable. Or I can stick it out one more hour, one more minute at a time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHANGELXOX 12/5/2007 12:01AM

    I have been feeling the same exact way! It's the internal demons that are the hardest to fight...

*sending support your way*

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HUSKY_HANK 12/4/2007 4:48PM

    Just take it one day at a time and set small daily goals. These small daily goals will help you reach your larger goals. Hang in there.

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