Monday, December 31, 2007
I went ahead and weighed/measured this a.m., in an effort to start tomorrow on a really positive note and I'm glad I did. I logged everything in...and looked at the reports.
I have lost the same five pounds about 10 times in the last six months. Wow. What would that have felt like if I'd lost a different 5 pounds each time? 50 pounds lighter? I'd be in One-derland.
You can't go back. You can't change yesterday or last week. All we have control of is today...and for me, right this second is about all I'm in control of.
Hmmm. Control. That is a rather uncomfortable word for me right now. I joke that I'm a control freak...and I try really hard NOT to be. More as I get older, I see the passive/aggressive control freak in me. That ol' co-dependant thing...wanting to control people or situations. I know I can't...so I keep my mouth shut...except, you know...to shove food into it to silence myself. Nope, I can't control my coworker...but I can sure eat this whole chocolate cake!
I don't like it.
This year, I want to make a real difference in myself...not just physically by losing weight and getting healthy, but by being more emotionally healthy as well. By sticking to things...finishing things...setting goals and accomplishing them. And learning how to be proud of myself when I do succeed, rather than beating myself up for how it could have been done better by anyone but me.
I'm a little nervous. It's a long road ahead. I'm afraid. I've tried and failed to lose weight...get organized...more times than I want to remember.
This morning....I really didn't wanna get up. I didn't want to drag my sorry butt out of bed and just DO it. I hit snooze three times. I didn't do the cardio workout I'd planned...I couldn't muster the energy or the enthusiasm. I did do the buns workout tho and I did it all, every minute. I'll likely not work all day and I have in my head I can walk or do something for cardio later in the day.
Geez I'm afraid of failing. So usually...I don't try. That has to stop. Today. Right Now.
I'm committing to myself, to Lisa, to do this. Not to my partner or my kids or my students or people on the street or in the audience when I dance. ME. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I WILL DO THIS.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
I've spent the last week being sick and eating too much crap! Very glad the holidays are almost over...
I've been really spending a lot of time, however, on goal setting...not only weight related, but life related. I'm still plugging through the 7 Habits and I've begun The Artist's Way. Pretty deep stuff. I could read them in a day or so, but I couldn't then APPLY it....so I'm taking it slow and trying to absorb, think and apply as I go.
one day when I was home sick this week, I watched The Biggest Loser for the first time. I've just not been able to watch it before...whether it was watching people as big as me or bigger try to do what I've tried so hard to do, I just couldn't do it. Welllll I got sucked into a Season 3 marathon and I was SO INSPIRED! While at Freddy's last night, I caught site of a BL cardio workout dvd and bought it on the spot. I did a 20 minute workout with warm up and cool downs added and DAY-UM it was hard. I'd like to intersperse it a couple times a week with the other dance-strength training DVDs I'm doing in the a.m. and I think it will be a great boost.
You know, I've been unhappy with my life for so long...I'm not happy wth my weight, my finances...my stick-to-it-ness seems to have evaporated. Then I try things...and give up WAY TOO FAST. Working on a well-rounded program of weight loss/health gain, goal setting in other areas of my life and working on incorporating creativity other than dance is really shaking things up and I'M EXCITED FOR 2008!
I've joined the upcoming LC challenge, I have a coach and I'm coaching someone....I'm ready to rock 'n roll bay-bee....
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Can I just say..I'm so glad it's done! It was lovely...but yeah. Hooray for the major part of the Holidays being done, for me anyway. I don't party on New Year's Eve...I'm not much a late niter and well..yeah.
No DDR...but we now have the PS2 hooked up so I can get one at my leisure, lol. Actually, it has to wait awhile, I spent a bit too much this last week on stuff. That's okay tho, cause I have these killer DVDs that do bellydance fusion workouts and she pretty much slays me, so good enough for now! ;)
Besides reading the 7 Habits...I've also begun The Artist's Way. Part of working on my body/mind/dance is also working on creativity. Dance can not be my only creative outlet...I need color and texture. Enter the knitting or I should say re-enter, because I've been an avid knitter, I just put it down to concentrate on dance. Now I'm trying to integrate it more - by at least knitting a little bit daily. Good for the mind, good for the creativity, good for the soul.
My friend/dance mate and I have decided.....we are going to compete! I competed in several bellydance competitions in the late 80's/early 90's..and won my way up to Semi-Pro. Now...I'm 43 ...and I weigh (at last weigh in anyways, a month ago) about 245. My choices, because I teach dance, are limited. I can go into the pro category and compete against 20-something REAL pros who are paid to dance on a weekly basis (and none of whom are overweight in the sligthest, believe me) or I can compete in the "Alternative music Pro" category. This is a category for those who teach or dance professionally to bellydance to anything BUT middle eastern music. Yeah...there will still be 'barbie' dolls in it...but it is MUCH less pressure than the Pro category. I have six months to get my stamina up, work up a routine and figure out costuming.
Songs? Well...LOL. Two that come to mind, Natasha Beddingford's Unwritten (I think that's the name) would be great for a veil piece...and ..I'm showing my age... Def Leppard's Rock of Ages starts out awesome and there is a line at the beginning that says it all..."It's better to burn out, than fade away."
I'm not fading away baby! I'm going to get myself going and go compete and show them I may not be young and thin...but I CAN dance dammit!
Friday, December 21, 2007
So...I met with my friend and talked about goal setting amongst other things. The things she said that were different than what I had already read and knew were these:
1. Make it fun - appealing to you! Use COLOR - highlighters, stickers, whatever it takes...
2. Use your computer calender to your advantage. Have it make pop ups reminding you - have you finished x and y??
3. Re-read the 7 habits book by Stephen Covey...and then re read it yearly. She's right, it's not really a read it once and you are done kinda book. As you grow, it grows with you.
Besides those things, we talked about the basics of goal setting, determining what is important to ME vs society, etc. It was good, and inspiring.
Looking forward a bit more to the holidays...not QUITE as crabby about the whole thing as I have been....this could be good...eh?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Oooooh and it's PLENTIFUL right now, sigh. Sugar everywhere. On every desk in my office, the break room, the entry...sugar. Argh.
I remind myself it won't be much longer - another week or so and it will disappear as people start their New Year's bid for getting in shape.
I've a friend that I admire greatly. If she wants a big ticket item...she plans, saves and then gets it. If she wants to accomplish something, again she plans, takes the steps and makes it happen. Me? I either make my goals so unrealistic they are practically unattainable or I give up on them within a few days. I've read a lot of stuff...and I do mean a lot...over the years about goal setting, prioritizing, blah blah and I don't feel like I'm doing much better at it. So I asked her to lunch tomorrow to sit and talk with me about how she goal sets. While it may not work the same for me, it is a chance to see how someone who has success with it manages to get it done and follow through.
I have all those good intentions....and here I am...still clinically morbidly obese, not on good financial footing etc. I'm 43 years old, and this is not how I want to live my life. At the same time, I know it takes small, consistent steps to get to where I want to go.
I've continued getting up at 4:30 a.m. 4-5 days a week to do cardio and that is huge for me...Not getting on the scale is helping as well, making doing it more about feeling good and making a habit out of exercise rather than constantly allowing my feelings to be dictated by what the scale says.
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