NOREGRET2010   49,499
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Monday, March 03, 2008

This a.m., the dial on the scale flickered to under 240 ever so briefly then settled just BARELY on the line of 240. I'm close, I'm really close to getting under it...and that is the main focus I'm working on right now, getting UNDER 240. I'd be the lowest I have been in probably a year or more and would have lost 8 pounds. Most importantly it is just what I need to really boost my confidence and motivation...this CAN be done!

I continue to look at my dance with self discipline.....and I'm working on telling myself "just DO it" whenever I have the desire to procrastinate. I wouldn't say I'm 100% successful yet, but I'm working on it. When I pay attention, it AMAZES me how much I am programmed to put stuff off. "I'll do it later". Then later, it never really gets here.

My goal is 40 minutes cardio 5 x this week. I'll be reporting here to keep myself accountable. I'm also trying really hard to track EVERY stinking bite that goes into my mouth, tho weekends? That just doesn't happen. But weekdays, I'm TRACKING. Period.

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    You'll get there!

By the way, are you drinking your water??? ;)

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IGGADIGGA 3/3/2008 11:39AM

    Congrats on the a.m. weigh in! You'll be under 240 in no time!!

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Things you didn't know about yourself....

Friday, February 29, 2008

Moments of self reflection are good for us...but sometimes realizing how much you slacked off on somethings can be pretty painful.

The realization that I am just flat lazy - I sort of knew that...but I don't think I realized just how lazy I am. That was not pleasant.

This lead into a reality check about my marriage. I was married 14 years to an alcoholic and I've been pretty content to lay all our problems at the foot of his alcholism, but in the glaring light of self-reflection....I have to admit - I was lazy there too. I was a crappy wife as far as homemaking skills went and I had a bad attitude about it on top of things. Yes, his drinking was a huge problem...and the little fact I was queer and didn't know it wasn't helping things either. But for the first time, I really had to sit and take responsibility for MY failures in that marriage and I cried a lot. I also prayed and apologized to him in my heart, tho apologizing to him in any other way is out of the question. He is so far gone in his bottle now there is no communication between us at all and I think it needs to stay that way.

I faced my responsibility in the other relationships in my life, tho not on the same scale.

Then I really looked at myself and my weight. I'm lazy. I don't want to work out. I don't want to watch what I eat. I want to do what I want when I want it...and I'm carrying easily 75-100 pounds of fat on my body by allowing myself to use no self discipline.

This is not about beating myself's about taking responsibility for where I am and how I got here. About moving forward with this realization and just doing it.

Feeling subdued. Sad. Afraid. Can I change this??? God, I hope so.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEWIEGELE 2/29/2008 12:44PM

    Ladies! Oh my god I too have the say I too am where you are. At least I hav been. I weighted almost 300 pounds. Thats so discusting and that was me! I was disgusted with myself. How could I expect my husband and family to love and respect me if I didnt love and respect myself? Well no way I was loving almost 300 pounds. That was 4 months and 68 pounds ago.

I set lots of mini goals and rewarding myself each time I make it to one of them. Last time I hit my under 210 mini goal I hit the clearance wall at Hobby Lobby and bought stickers for my scrapbooking.

you have lots of support here! Lean on us if you need.

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AGODDESS_INSIDE 2/29/2008 12:30PM

    Yes, you can.

Because we were apparently separated at birth, I know this, I've gone through the same thing. It's not enough to just decide to be determined, it's a decision you make every day.

Don't you feel super proud of yourself when you eat right, and when you work out? And then you say to yourself, "Now why am I so reluctant to do that? Success makes me feel amazing!"

Don't look too far up the road, sweetie, keep your eyes on today and what you can do today to make yourself healthier and happier. Tomorrow, you can deal with tomorrow.

It's awesome that you're taking responsibility for your part in your life, but give yourself more credit for your successes instead of dwelling on setbacks. Be proud of yourself that you can do that. A lot of people can't and don't.

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Where'd that go??

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

So you have something in your hand...most of my life, it could have been a cookie, candy, or a sandwich or any other numerous forms of food, most sugar laden. You get momentarily distracted...and then suddenly realize it's gone.

You don't remember eating think, I must have set that down somewhere....

Nope. I ate it. Sometimes, because I didn't remember eating it, I went and got MORE of it.

That just happened, tho with a banana instead of a cookie. I remember peeling it. I remember the first bite. Then I just realized, hey, my banana is gone. What did I do with it?

Well, I must have ate it, tho I don't recall. The peel is in the trash here at my desk. How many mindless calories have I shoveled in my body in this fashion? I'm afraid to ask that question very seriously.

I feel dissatisfied, because I don't remember eating it. I don't feel hungry anymore...but I don't feel satisfied either. If I wasn't paying attention, I'd go get something else to eat...

Pretty scary stuff if you really think about it.

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AGODDESS_INSIDE 2/28/2008 8:15AM

    That used to happen for me with popcorn. I used to mindlessly shovel it into my face while watching TV or a movie, and then suddenly I'd put my hand in the bowl and there would be nothing but salt granules. "Did I really eat all that popcorn already?" Yes. Yes, I did.

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MRINICKI 2/27/2008 4:20PM

    Oh to think of the smaller sizes I would be wearing today if I had only PAID ATTENTION!!!!
You have definately hit this nail on the head!!


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MOGGYSMUM 2/27/2008 2:23PM

    OH, yes!! Know that feeling well! It's weird to be standing in the middle of a room wondering where I set that last cookie, only to realize it's gone!

Too bad it doesn't work that way with laundry... or bills... *wink*

J in Canada

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In calorie range, woot!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Yesterday, I was in calorie range for the first time in what I suspect is a long time.

I got really caught up in exercise and sort of allowed myself to believe it wasn't as important to keep logging my food....and then my sneaky diseased thinking kicked in "oh it's only a little bit, no big deal"....

Wow those things you think are no big deal? They add up a lot. So, I'm really pleased to be within range the first day I got back onto tracking.

I'm back on the smoothie kick in the a.m. - frozen fruit/ice/whey protein powder...still comes in at like 300+ calories for breakfast BUT...1) it seems like a treat and I seem to need that feeling that I'm treating myself, 2) 20 grams of protein - wowza! 3) 2 servings of fruit....and less than 4 gm fat. Works for me for today anyway. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

So....I have an acquaintance who competes in Ms Fitness competitions. I mentioned to her I'm thinking about finding a personal trainer to help kick start what I'm doing and put me on the right track...and she offered to help me.

Can I just say, it sort of scares me to death. She seems very nonjudemental, but she must weigh MAYBE 110 pounds soaking wet. She is very very petite and very very small. It's all muscle, she doesn't look anorexic or anything, but when I stand next to her...I feel like a WHALE. I dunno. I'm scared - but, I'm gonna take her up on it and see what she has to offer to help me get in better shape for my June bellydance competition. She has always been really pleasant to me....never given me a moment's pause that she thinks anything bad about me for being so overweight - you know how really fit people can sometimes be really ugly to the obese - they don't understand, and further more, they don't WANT to understand, what it feels like to be obese. So....did I mention I'm going to give it a shot? Did I mention it scares me to death?

yeah. All of the above.

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AGODDESS_INSIDE 2/26/2008 9:46AM

    Actually, what she may be doing is admiring you for your willingness to work at fitness and health. A lot of the people that I have met that are that dedicated consider it an honor to be able to help other people get fit. I doubt she would have offered to help if she didn't really want to.

No matter what she thinks, however, good for you for taking that (scary) step, and congrats on your caloric victory as well. You're definitely on the right track!

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Back on the wagon

Monday, February 25, 2008

Last week was a pretty sh*tty week. I had work problems, problems with emotions/PTSD stuff, and was preparing to go visit my aunt who is dying of cancer to say goodbye.

I binged. I'll admit it. Not like CRAZY binging or anything, but certainly not any kind of a food plan was followed and I ate more sugar than I have in weeks put together.

That was last week, and today is a new week. I'm more on track...I decided at lunch that I would try the new ziploc steam bags (as seen on last weeks Biggest Loser, lol) and you know what? I liked it. If I had pre-prepared my stuff at home this a.m., all I would have had to do was toss it in the micro and it would have been incredibly simple. I put in chicken breast (cut into chunks), about 2.5-3 cups mixed veggies from the produce department (broc, carrot, etc) and a small zuccini. I sprinkled in a little Mrs Dash garlic and herb and it was really pretty durned tasty...and less than 250 calories for a pretty good sized bowl! I have enough now to do this at least a few more lunches this week, and I could easily do the same at home for dinner, especially on the nights Jodie is working.

Getting my food under control has to take a top priority right now...I haven't been tracking and it's WAAAAY too easy to decieve myself that "oh, it's not that bad...."

Yeah...yeah it is that bad. I could easily eat 3000 calories a day left to my own devices. I would have to work out for HOURS to burn that off and guess what, I don't have that kind of time or desire.

Self discipline. It really gripes me to admit that where my weight/food consumption/exercise are concerned...this is a huge issue for me. Oh...let's face a lot of other areas in my life.

It's not too late tho is it? I'm still breathing and kicking.....and I can keep on keepin' on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HERESHECOMES 2/25/2008 4:20PM

    Good for you! (I could eat, and probably have, 5000 calories if left to my own devices.) I find that I have to track. I'm intrigued by those bags!

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TRACYC1960 2/25/2008 3:18PM

    Good for you on planning your lunch; that steam bag thingy sounds great for work lunches.

I'm with you on needing to grow in being disciplined. I can also relate to what you say on your SparkPage about having, in the past, alternated between trying to lose weight and being happy with yourself fat. Right now I'm working on loving myself as I am but striving to change my lifestyle and become better.

May you have an all out wonderful Monday.

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