Wednesday, February 27, 2008
So you have something in your hand...most of my life, it could have been a cookie, candy, or a sandwich or any other numerous forms of food, most sugar laden. You get momentarily distracted...and then suddenly realize it's gone.
You don't remember eating it...you think, I must have set that down somewhere....
Nope. I ate it. Sometimes, because I didn't remember eating it, I went and got MORE of it.
That just happened, tho with a banana instead of a cookie. I remember peeling it. I remember the first bite. Then I just realized, hey, my banana is gone. What did I do with it?
Well, I must have ate it, tho I don't recall. The peel is in the trash here at my desk. How many mindless calories have I shoveled in my body in this fashion? I'm afraid to ask that question very seriously.
I feel dissatisfied, because I don't remember eating it. I don't feel hungry anymore...but I don't feel satisfied either. If I wasn't paying attention, I'd go get something else to eat...
Pretty scary stuff if you really think about it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Yesterday, I was in calorie range for the first time in what I suspect is a long time.
I got really caught up in exercise and sort of allowed myself to believe it wasn't as important to keep logging my food....and then my sneaky diseased thinking kicked in "oh it's only a little bit, no big deal"....
Wow those things you think are no big deal? They add up a lot. So, I'm really pleased to be within range the first day I got back onto tracking.
I'm back on the smoothie kick in the a.m. - frozen fruit/ice/whey protein powder...still comes in at like 300+ calories for breakfast BUT...1) it seems like a treat and I seem to need that feeling that I'm treating myself, 2) 20 grams of protein - wowza! 3) 2 servings of fruit....and less than 4 gm fat. Works for me for today anyway. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
So....I have an acquaintance who competes in Ms Fitness competitions. I mentioned to her I'm thinking about finding a personal trainer to help kick start what I'm doing and put me on the right track...and she offered to help me.
Can I just say, it sort of scares me to death. She seems very nonjudemental, but she must weigh MAYBE 110 pounds soaking wet. She is very very petite and very very small. It's all muscle, she doesn't look anorexic or anything, but when I stand next to her...I feel like a WHALE. I dunno. I'm scared - but, I'm gonna take her up on it and see what she has to offer to help me get in better shape for my June bellydance competition. She has always been really pleasant to me....never given me a moment's pause that she thinks anything bad about me for being so overweight - you know how really fit people can sometimes be really ugly to the obese - they don't understand, and further more, they don't WANT to understand, what it feels like to be obese. So....did I mention I'm going to give it a shot? Did I mention it scares me to death?
yeah. All of the above.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Last week was a pretty sh*tty week. I had work problems, problems with emotions/PTSD stuff, and was preparing to go visit my aunt who is dying of cancer to say goodbye.
I binged. I'll admit it. Not like CRAZY binging or anything, but certainly not any kind of a food plan was followed and I ate more sugar than I have in weeks put together.
That was last week, and today is a new week. I'm more on track...I decided at lunch that I would try the new ziploc steam bags (as seen on last weeks Biggest Loser, lol) and you know what? I liked it. If I had pre-prepared my stuff at home this a.m., all I would have had to do was toss it in the micro and it would have been incredibly simple. I put in chicken breast (cut into chunks), about 2.5-3 cups mixed veggies from the produce department (broc, carrot, etc) and a small zuccini. I sprinkled in a little Mrs Dash garlic and herb and it was really pretty durned tasty...and less than 250 calories for a pretty good sized bowl! I have enough now to do this at least a few more lunches this week, and I could easily do the same at home for dinner, especially on the nights Jodie is working.
Getting my food under control has to take a top priority right now...I haven't been tracking and it's WAAAAY too easy to decieve myself that "oh, it's not that bad...."
Yeah...yeah it is that bad. I could easily eat 3000 calories a day left to my own devices. I would have to work out for HOURS to burn that off and guess what, I don't have that kind of time or desire.
Self discipline. It really gripes me to admit that where my weight/food consumption/exercise are concerned...this is a huge issue for me. Oh...let's face it...in a lot of other areas in my life.
It's not too late tho is it? I'm still breathing and kicking.....and I can keep on keepin' on.
Monday, February 18, 2008
You know...I'm pretty well diet educated. I've been in nutrition classes, I've had the calories in vs calories out discussions, I "get" it. I really do. If you eat more calories than you burn over a period of time, it will be stored as fat. If you burn more calories than you eat over a period of time, it will result in weight loss. I understand the roles of fat, carbs, protein, sodium etc in our diet and the effect they have on our weight loss efforts. What cardio and strength training help our bodies accomplish. Our need for fluids and sleep. I really do "get" it.
Except, it doesn't always work so simply. My body does not want to give up this fat. Let's take the example:
I went from eating unrestrictedly - anything I damn well wanted I put in my mouth. 3,000+ calories a day, probably a LOT more than that on some days when I was binging - coupled with little to no cardio and no strength training. It is no wonder, no suprise that I'm tipping 250 on the scale (give or take 10 pounds depending on how hard I've been working at losing weight). I drank a large fat/sugar laden Dutch Freeze 5x a week, along with my McDonald's Sausage Egg McMuffin. I snacked on candy throughout the day, ate greasy fast food again for lunch, and half the time, yet AGAIN for dinner.
From there...I cut the Dutch Freeze, and replaced it with coffee from home, losing 200+ calories and who knows how much fat. I stopped eating at McD's for breakfast, switching to Oatmeal, again saving myself 200+ calories and loads of fat. I stopped eating candy - and god knows how much that was adding up to. I started doing cardio a minimum of 30 min 3 x a week for a month. Through blood, sweat and tears, I lost 7 pounds.
It doesn't add up. Really. It's like when I went from drinking a 6 pack PLUS a day of regular Pepsi to NO SODA, not diet, not anything just no cal water or crystal light...and I lost no weight. I did not replace it with an equally high calorie beverage...but I still lost NO WEIGHT.
My body does not want to give up it's fat storage. Do I feel better? Hell yeah! I feel a LOT better. Am I increasing my life span? You betcha! Decreasing my odds for heart attack and stroke? YES!!
But I'm not really losing weight according to the formulas that tell me I SHOULD be. Have I given it my ALL? Yes. YES I have.
Am I giving up? No. Hell NO. But I am going to be kinder to myself. I'm going to stop saying to myself, You must not be trying hard enough. YES, YES I AM trying hard enough. For whatever reason, it's just not happening the way the textbooks say it should. So be it. I'm not giving up...but I'm not going to beat myself up either.
Here's to a new week.
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