Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I've been on vacation....lots of fun, lots of food, but lots and lots of walking too, so I'm not feeling too upset about it.
I'm tired tho. Really, really tired. Hmm, maybe I should get over myself and use my CPAP. Sigh. Why am I SO STUBBORN about this issue?
I had a difficult moment over the weekend, when my partner told me as lovingly as possible that I frequently smell bad. This is not from lack of showering - I do shower daily. But as the day wears on and I get warmed up....apparently I smell "funky". I'm aware this has been getting worse as I got heavier- but I had no clue OTHERS could smell me.
I could have died, pretty much, I was so embarrassed. I'm not sure what all can be done that I'm not already doing - shower, deoderant, panty liners....
I'm thinking more water is probably part of the answer - this weekend I did NOT get my water and I felt dehydrated often and it was at the end of the trip that this came up. I used to use baby powder and I think that helped some and I'll try that again. Perhaps changing my clothes right after work.....
Hell, I dunno. It's sort of depressed me badly. She said it out of love, she said it as kindly as possible, and in private. Certainly, I prefer to KNOW it's that bad and it would have been much worse for someone ELSE to say something rather than my partner....but ...yeah.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The LC is having another challenge and I stepped up and took it. They keep me active on the site and THINKING about my health and well, their challenges always ROCK!
Last night was a nice evening with dinner out...some window shopping...I ate all the things I would not normally now, lol, but I'm right back on track today.
Now, if I could just get my body clock tuned to daylight savings time, I'd be doing great. I'm so stinking tired it's not funny.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Today is my 44th birthday. My birthday is not my favorite thing - not because I'm aging so much as old tapes that run in my head pretty rampant this time of year.
Last week, I had such a rollercoaster with the scale I decided to stay off for a week, until today, before looking again.
It hasn't changed. But you know what? I'm really okay with it. I looked up to the calender I keep in my bathroom and I put a shiny star or sticker on every day I work out....and there are already a lot of stickers on there this month. I looked in the mirror and I can SEE changes happening. Before daylight savings time started kicking my arse, I was feeling a lot better and had more energy. Those things are all great signs that I'm improving my health. So I repeat from last week, the scale can bite me! I'm going to keep on keeping on with exercise and healthier eating and stay off the scale as much as possible for awhile.
That said, I had to ask myself, why didn't I lose any more weight when I have been working out/eating better. Not as a "I'm such a loser" thing, but as in - what could I have done differently? I immediately knew the answer:
Since the weekend, my water intake was like nothing. I'm a lot better about routine at work...and when I don't have routine, the water went out the window. Second, sleep. I am so exhausted from not sleeping well and daylight savings that I thought I might fall asleep on the way to work this a.m....which then leads to drinking coffee which is sort of a vicious cycle.
So, here's to another year of life...another year, month, week or day to work on being more healthy and living life FULLY regardless of my weight. My weight does not define me. Period.
Lastly, I'll tell you about a little surprise that was really cool for my birthday. Between the two classes I teach Sunday, my students brought in cake (oy! I did have a piece!), sang happy birthday to me....and gave me a $180 gift certificate to L. Rose Designs....the place I want to get my costume for the competition I'm doing in June. I cried. :) They made me feel really good.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Wow am I glad it's Friday!
Last night, my oldest daughter came over and worked out with me. It was pretty cool. I worry, because she is starting to look just like I did when the weight began creeping up on me. She is probably 40 pounds overweight and I really worry for her. So, it was very cool we could work out together!
Before she got there, I stuck in the new Leslie Sansome Walk Away the Pounds DVD I'd picked up and did the first workout on the DVD, an 18 minute 1 mile "walk" - more like low impact aerobics, which is fine by me. I really liked it...and by the end of the 18 minutes I was sweating my butt off. When Mary came over, we did the level 1 Biggest Loser workout - so I had about 45 minutes of exercise last night and I feel really good about it!
This morning when I stood in front of the mirror, I could really SEE some of the changes my body is making - despite what the stupid scale says- and I was inspired to drag out my measuring tape. I only measured my waist - because I do get really sucked into the whole numbers thing...and I've lost 0.5 off my waist in the last week. Most importantly, I can SEE the difference, and that is really cool.
A great Spark Buddy sent me a hug this a.m. (you know who you are...) as a little help on making it through the coming weekend....How did you know weekends are hard, lol? It's my daughter's 14th birthday, so I know there will be cake involved...but I'm determined there will also be a lot of exercise involved! Since she works weeknights, it's the only time I really have with my partner and food comes into play in a big way on the weekends.
Here's to making it through the weekend, good Spark Buddies, and a life long journey to health....
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Yesterday, the scale said 239.5. It's not digital, but it was juuuuust below the 240 line, but not quite on the 239 line. So, I said to myself, just let it get to 239...then you can celebrate. I jumped on the scale this a.m., excited .... and it said....
I know, I know. It's not fat. I KNOW it's not. My calories, my exercise have been good. It's water weight or what ever you wanna call it.
If there is one thing I've gained from watching the biggest loser this season, it's the realization that some people just don't lose weight easily and that the scale is a fickle, fickle friend indeed. I look at the women on that show who work out for HOURS a day, and sometimes they only get 1 or 2 pounds. I don't work out for hours a day and my food is good, tho not always perfect.
I am doing a day-to-day for the rest of my life journey. Period. I feel better, I look better, my clothes are getting looser. The scale can .... bite me. I'm in this for the long run.
Short rant: My partner has diabetes. Pretty uncontrolled diabetes, but she is a big girl and I decided a long time ago I am not her keeper. She knows what she needs to do and she knows how I feel about it. Last night, she came home from work in excruciating pain in one of her feet....which has all the signs of diabetic neuropathy. When I asked...she hasn't been taking her meds.
I wanted to scream I was so mad. This morning, I looked her in the eye and said, "if I had a heart problem, and I stopped taking my heart meds cause they made me sick to my stomach (her excuse), what would you have to say about that? You are playing with your life...with our lives. I love you, I'm committed to you, we're married. Don't make me spend our later years taking care of someone who didn't take care of herself."
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