NOREGRET2010   49,930
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So far, so good

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

So far, I am on track with my eating and exercise and even, believe it or not, my water.

My emotions are smoother today, less ruffled.

Very anxious about teaching at the retreat this's a first for me. Tho the bellydance community is touted as being very woman friendly and size doesn't matter, that's crap in some cases.

When a big woman gets up to dance, you can just see some peoples eyes glaze over before her music has ever started. It frustrates me to know that my dancing may be judged as "less than" by my appearance before the music ever starts.

Have I seen stick-thin women who could not move? Who had no rhythm to speak of? You bet. I've seen heavy women who were the same. The popular standard of beauty says "fat is ugly". Don't get me wrong, for my health, for my self esteem, for a variety of reasons, this fat HAS TO GO! In be truthful, one of the biggest reasons this fat has to go is that it has been my excuse for not putting myself out there in the dance community more.

"Oh..I can't do this or that, cause I'm too fat."

That attitude stops here, and now. Yes, I may be fat. But I'm a damn good dancer and I'm a good teacher. All I have control of is right this minute and I'm working hard on making changes. I will NOT let other people's opinions, prejudices, etc be a barrier to accomplishing my dream of being the dancer inside all this fat!

Now I just have to figure out how to HOLD ONTO THAT!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMANDAHE 9/7/2006 6:21PM

  Oh, I so understand where you are coming from. I was working with a woman who told me I wasn't commercially viable for her to market as a professional dancer, that I needed to lose weight before she would have me perform. I was fine to teach, but she wouldn't even put me up at bellydance functions to dance with students because she thought I was too fat. Needless to say this woman has gone thru seven dancers/teachers in five years, and currently does not have a professional troupe.

I can understand the aprehension at presenting yourself for the retreat. I am constantly feeling like I am judged by my appearance or body size/shape. Then I spiralled thru the I am going to lose/not lose weight just to spite the dance world. But ultimately you have to do it for yourself, you deserve it, and it will help you express yourself with dance more freely.

At the moment one of the things I keep in mind while teaching or dancing is that I am an inspiration for every woman who doesn't have the "perfect " figure or is in their twenties - but this is all a myth, the perfect figure, who has it? Who is happy with what they have?

Anyway, I have hijacked your blog, sorry. *blush*

I know where you are at, and I know how it feels. Keep up the great work, remember, small steps, one at a time. And don't beat yourself up, you are a wonderful, beautiful person and anyone with an ounce of sense can see that.

smiles, Amanda

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

You know, I used to sort of roll my eyes at the Serenity seemed way overused and had little meaning for me personally. Over the past year however, it has come to mean a lot to me. I struggle with worry and anxiety. Saying the Serenity Prayer...sometimes seemingly 100 times can help ground me.

Just not today, apparently.

What are the things people all over the world worry about? Top of the list is money, and I'm no different. My ex-husband is $30,000 behind in child support...which just lead to me being behind on other things. It's first day of school here....and I had two school-age children who needed stuff. I "Robbed Peter to Pay Paul" this payday, and next payday is going to be pretty scary.

So this a.m. I have a knot of tears in my chest. What have I always done before when such fears and worries beset me?

Well I ate of course! Food is legal and the really sweet, icky-for-your-body "food" is cheap and plentiful. A few months ago, I would have dived into a dozen donuts by this time...

Today, I'm working on being "with" my feelings. "Accepting the things I cannot change". Eating the high-fiber, low-fat breakfast I had planned on. Tracking my food. Going to work. Getting my kids ready and out the door. Giving in to the anxiety and stress with food is not going to make me feel better, but boy is it an old habit that is hard to break.



Sunday, September 03, 2006

Well, the weekend is definitely harder for me, but I'm tracking and I'm working on getting points!

Those points are like magic incentive to me, lol.

We're having company over any minute...and of course there will be food. I've already eaten something so I won't go overboard....

Lastly, every time I look at my current "model" of myself on this page I want to scream. That's not how i FEEL, but boy it sure is how I LOOK!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMANDAHE 9/4/2006 12:25AM

  The points do work wonders don't they?

Tracking on the weekend was hard for me too. Though it is now Monday morning in Australia so I am back on track and plugging away at it.

Keep getting those points!

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A Rude Awakening

Friday, September 01, 2006

So, for the last few months I have weighed once a month. I get sort of obsessed by the numbers on the scale and this works well for me. When I started SparkPeople, I went by my last weigh in, 235 on August 1.

I weighed today, Sept 1...and I weigh 238.

I stood on the scale feeling that wave of emotions....disbelief...discouragement..."
why bother?". I wallowed in self-pity for a minute or two and then pulled myself sharply back in place.

This is only day 6 of SparkPeople. I am still in Stage 1 and while I've been getting a lot more exercise in these six days, I have not curtailed my eating, only for once in my life been totally HONEST about what I've put in my mouth. I had a moment's thought of, "maybe I should gear up and switch to stage 2!!" Then I went and read again about how the stages are broken up...that stage 1 is about small steps...setting yourself up for success...and re-made the committment to finish the 14 days of stage one.

I also made a commitment to myself to start looking at what I'm eating. I dragged out the measuring spoons and measured my sugar and creamer...and I'm quite sure I've been using more than I thought I was. I ate oatmeal for breakfast - you know, the high-fiber low-fat breakfast thing.

While this morning's rude awakening hurt....I feel more aware of what I've been doing in regards to my eating. The exercise part? That is no sweat for me...tho sometimes getting the strength training in is difficult...but I have already almost burned double the suggested 810 cal this week, without much effort past my usual.

It's the food. It's the food that is getting me.


In which I am shocked by actually FEELING my muscles.....

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Dang....that hurts!

So this a.m. I made myself do the strength exercises recommended on my Spark page. One of them was the "Body Weight Squats." I whizzed through two sets and curled my lip, thinking "geez, like THAT'S gonna do anything" cause I didn't feel it a bit.

I feel it NOW. My butt is killing me, lol.

It's day closer to the weekend. Long weekend for me...hooray! No money to do Oh well, it's all good, eh? We'll be going to a BBQ put on by friends, I'm looking forward to that. Lot's of dance stuff for me to take care I won't lack for stuff to know, besides the mountains of laundry waiting....

I'm recommending SparkPeople to friends left and right....hoping others will take the plunge and join! I'm more motivated than I've EVER been, I think. So, here's my question for my single listener (yeah I know you're out there or anyone else who drops by and wants to shout out...

What feature on Spark are you using most consistently? For me, it is the tracking of the food,'s all about the food don't ya know - Ruthlessly tracking everything that goes into my mouth, no matter how "bad" it looks. YOU???


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