Thursday, September 07, 2006
Yesterday was the first time I've made it to filling this goal! Woo hoo! I'm well on my way there today too....and I'm sure I'm burning a couple extra calories with all the extra trips to the bathroom as well, lol.
So, I've been reading (and re-reading) the entries from BuffedStuff (see her link below). The woman has some AMAZING things to say, and I feel like she's been looking in my head.
I'm lazy. I want it (the health, the stamina, the body) with little or no work. I want someone else to fix me.
yeah, that's worked REAL well so far. Here I am at 42, NOT particularly healthy, 5'1" and 238 pounds.
You know the definition of insanity is said to be "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." That would be what I've been doing. Starting a new diet or "program", not waking up thin in 5 days, getting discouraged and quitting.
Geez, there's a role model for my children - NOT.
So, here I am. On Spark, and on Spark to STAY. Working at those little tiny changes EVERY DAY - and glad I'm alive to keep trying.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
So far, I am on track with my eating and exercise and even, believe it or not, my water.
My emotions are smoother today, less ruffled.
Very anxious about teaching at the retreat this weekend..it's a first for me. Tho the bellydance community is touted as being very woman friendly and size doesn't matter, that's crap in some cases.
When a big woman gets up to dance, you can just see some peoples eyes glaze over before her music has ever started. It frustrates me to know that my dancing may be judged as "less than" by my appearance before the music ever starts.
Have I seen stick-thin women who could not move? Who had no rhythm to speak of? You bet. I've seen heavy women who were the same. The popular standard of beauty says "fat is ugly". Don't get me wrong, for my health, for my self esteem, for a variety of reasons, this fat HAS TO GO! In fact....to be truthful, one of the biggest reasons this fat has to go is that it has been my excuse for not putting myself out there in the dance community more.
"Oh..I can't do this or that, cause I'm too fat."
That attitude stops here, and now. Yes, I may be fat. But I'm a damn good dancer and I'm a good teacher. All I have control of is right this minute and I'm working hard on making changes. I will NOT let other people's opinions, prejudices, etc be a barrier to accomplishing my dream of being the dancer inside all this fat!
Now I just have to figure out how to HOLD ONTO THAT!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
You know, I used to sort of roll my eyes at the Serenity Prayer...it seemed way overused and had little meaning for me personally. Over the past year however, it has come to mean a lot to me. I struggle with worry and anxiety. Saying the Serenity Prayer...sometimes seemingly 100 times can help ground me.
Just not today, apparently.
What are the things people all over the world worry about? Top of the list is money, and I'm no different. My ex-husband is $30,000 behind in child support...which just lead to me being behind on other things. It's first day of school here....and I had two school-age children who needed stuff. I "Robbed Peter to Pay Paul" this payday, and next payday is going to be pretty scary.
So this a.m. I have a knot of tears in my chest. What have I always done before when such fears and worries beset me?
Well I ate of course! Food is legal and the really sweet, icky-for-your-body "food" is cheap and plentiful. A few months ago, I would have dived into a dozen donuts by this time...
Today, I'm working on being "with" my feelings. "Accepting the things I cannot change". Eating the high-fiber, low-fat breakfast I had planned on. Tracking my food. Going to work. Getting my kids ready and out the door. Giving in to the anxiety and stress with food is not going to make me feel better, but boy is it an old habit that is hard to break.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Well, the weekend is definitely harder for me, but I'm tracking and I'm working on getting points!
Those points are like magic incentive to me, lol.
We're having company over any minute...and of course there will be food. I've already eaten something so I won't go overboard....
Lastly, every time I look at my current "model" of myself on this page I want to scream. That's not how i FEEL, but boy it sure is how I LOOK!
Friday, September 01, 2006
So, for the last few months I have weighed once a month. I get sort of obsessed by the numbers on the scale and this works well for me. When I started SparkPeople, I went by my last weigh in, 235 on August 1.
I weighed today, Sept 1...and I weigh 238.
I stood on the scale feeling that wave of emotions....disbelief...discouragement..."
why bother?". I wallowed in self-pity for a minute or two and then pulled myself sharply back in place.
This is only day 6 of SparkPeople. I am still in Stage 1 and while I've been getting a lot more exercise in these six days, I have not curtailed my eating, only for once in my life been totally HONEST about what I've put in my mouth. I had a moment's thought of, "maybe I should gear up and switch to stage 2!!" Then I went and read again about how the stages are broken up...that stage 1 is about small steps...setting yourself up for success...and re-made the committment to finish the 14 days of stage one.
I also made a commitment to myself to start looking at what I'm eating. I dragged out the measuring spoons and measured my sugar and creamer...and I'm quite sure I've been using more than I thought I was. I ate oatmeal for breakfast - you know, the high-fiber low-fat breakfast thing.
While this morning's rude awakening hurt....I feel more aware of what I've been doing in regards to my eating. The exercise part? That is no sweat for me...tho sometimes getting the strength training in is difficult...but I have already almost burned double the suggested 810 cal this week, without much effort past my usual.
It's the food. It's the food that is getting me.
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