Monday, March 31, 2008
Sun is almost up this a.m.....At my desk, will start work as soon as I finish this post. Feeling....a little blue.
That it's another Monday in my life and where am I? Have I made the best choices? Why do I constantly feel like I'm starting over - not only in weight loss efforts, but in so many areas.
I truly believe every day IS another chance to get it right and that there are ups and downs and blah blah blah. You just have to get up, dust yourself off and keep going.
Today, that just feels ....old. What would it be like to get up....and know you are on top of what you aspire to? That you've done the work consistently and are reaping the rewards? Emotionally? Financially? Physically? Professionally?
Wow. All this introspection is not making me feel any better, lol.
So...here it is...another Monday. Another day to work on getting the business of life right. I'm grateful I HAVE another day to work on it. So.... Happy Monday!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Another Tuesday. I stepped on the scale this a.m., and nothing had really changed. For once I didn't get frustrated or beat myself up. I said, oh well and I went and did my morning 20 minute workout.
I'm doing the Walk Away The Pounds DVD in the a.m. - at least the 20 minute one if not a longer one, and some nights I'm doing a 30 minute one. I'm being more mindful of what goes into my mouth and WHY it's going there. Am I hungry or am I bored? Upset? I remind myself, "we eat because we are hungry....not to entertain ourselves."
What the scale says is starting to ever so slightly not matter anymore. Even when I wasn't getting on it...I was obsessed with what it might say the next time...but I'm soooo slowly getting to the point of "eh. Oh well, I'll keep on doing it anyway". To expand my energy, to increase my health, to lengthen my life. Yeah, I still have obsessed days...and I work hard to not even get on the scale. Period.
I started this journey many times to lose weight. I'm continuing on it to LIVE.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
My aunt passed away yesterday after a short bout with cancer. By the time they knew she had it, she was riddled with it. Saving the long and drawn out story, I believed she was my real mom for about 10-12 years of my life. She wasn't, but believing so helped keep me sane in the same house with a crazy mother. I'm so sad I'm having a hard time functioning. I made myself work out last night, and I'm glad I did - it was good to sweat and let go.
After thinking about some of the comments left last post on odor, I took a hard look at my closet. Hmm, those black pants? At least 5 years old, likely older. That knit gray dress shirt? about the same age. I have tended to not purchase clothes for myself unless in dire need. Yes, I laundered them and again, I really DO have good hygeine, but when I really sniffed hard at the fabrics in these poor (really shabby when I looked at them) clothes, I could smell that funky odor my partner was mentioning. These clothes are cheap and have a high nylon/polyester content, which I suspect has absorbed the everyday odors over the YEARS I've been wearing them...they seem to be clean when laundered, but I suspect after a couple hours of wearing/body heat/moisture/whatever, they are releasing their smelliness. I've been better the last year or so about purchasing more clothing for myself, but obviously, who ever mentioned "retiring" some of my outfits was right on the mark.
Made me feel a little better, no one wants to be "Pigpen", you know?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I've been on vacation....lots of fun, lots of food, but lots and lots of walking too, so I'm not feeling too upset about it.
I'm tired tho. Really, really tired. Hmm, maybe I should get over myself and use my CPAP. Sigh. Why am I SO STUBBORN about this issue?
I had a difficult moment over the weekend, when my partner told me as lovingly as possible that I frequently smell bad. This is not from lack of showering - I do shower daily. But as the day wears on and I get warmed up....apparently I smell "funky". I'm aware this has been getting worse as I got heavier- but I had no clue OTHERS could smell me.
I could have died, pretty much, I was so embarrassed. I'm not sure what all can be done that I'm not already doing - shower, deoderant, panty liners....
I'm thinking more water is probably part of the answer - this weekend I did NOT get my water and I felt dehydrated often and it was at the end of the trip that this came up. I used to use baby powder and I think that helped some and I'll try that again. Perhaps changing my clothes right after work.....
Hell, I dunno. It's sort of depressed me badly. She said it out of love, she said it as kindly as possible, and in private. Certainly, I prefer to KNOW it's that bad and it would have been much worse for someone ELSE to say something rather than my partner....but ...yeah.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The LC is having another challenge and I stepped up and took it. They keep me active on the site and THINKING about my health and well, their challenges always ROCK!
Last night was a nice evening with dinner out...some window shopping...I ate all the things I would not normally now, lol, but I'm right back on track today.
Now, if I could just get my body clock tuned to daylight savings time, I'd be doing great. I'm so stinking tired it's not funny.
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