Tuesday, April 22, 2008
So said the doc when I finally broke down and dragged myself into his office Monday. I've been coughing non-stop - once I started, I can't seem to stop. It's left me feeling like a wrung out wash cloth - limp and drained.
He said, nope, not pneumonia. Not bronchitis. More like I've been pretty sick, I now have a sinus infection, the pollen is really doing it's thing the last week or so which is triggering my asthma....and so my lungs are extra sensitive and spasming/coughing at just about every insult, no matter how small. "Twitchy lungs". He then admonished me about being so impatient with myself...expecting my body to recoup from whatever nasty virus started the whole thing in just a few mere days...and not giving myself sufficient rest and time to get well.
But..... I had things I wanted to do!! We were short staffed at work and I felt guilty.....and..... he's totally right. I'm really not good at not doing anthing...Call it part of my ADD or what have you..."rest" is not really in my vocabulary. If I'm not doing something...I feel...................guilty. Edgy. Crabby. I get depressed, fast.
And that lack of caring for myself has left me right where I am - tired and weak, having a hard time getting well. I rushed back into work, I rushed back into dance...I rushed into doing the things I wanted to do on top of it. So, regardless of those things I wanted to get done ....regardless of my internal bashing myself with guilt...I'm working the rest of the week on recuperating. Allowing myself space to get well. Not beating myself up over lost exercise, dance work, house work blah blah blah.
I * will * learn * to * care * for * myself!! It's never too late to learn new skills, aye?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
While I'm not seeing a lot of external change right now...I'm surely having some internal changes...someone called that "loosing the fat between your ears" and I really identify with that.
Self realization is odd stuff. It comes in the strangest moments. I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" moments over the weekend that I'm still processing.
I've never had to work really hard to achieve what I wanted. This is not to say I didn't work hard at it, because I did! It's that it came easily enough.
Going to school to become an EMT...then my college course for my transcription certificate....I had to be top of my class or nothing...there was no in between, no "good enough". So I worked really, really, REALLY hard at both...and I was top of my class dammit! But it wasn't HARD, if that makes any sense.
My dancing....dance came easily to me...and I competed and won several awards back in "the day" - but again, it wasn't HARD. I worked hard AT IT...but it wasn't hard for me. I'm not sure I can really express what that means....but there was a lot of perfectionism involved there...I had to be perfect, or it wasn't good enough.
Somewhere along the line...that thinking distorted even more...that if I could not be perfect...I wouldn't do it at ALL. In my dancing, that means I turned my energy and attention to teaching and running troupes (like a "team" of dancers - I have two!). I stopped working on MY dancing almost entirely. It's really rather a miracle I've had the success teaching that I do, since I RARELY perform solo....If you don't see a teacher dancing...you usually suspect she isn't very good!
Performing solo became a really big obstacle in my mind. I couldn't let go of the "Sahara" from the 80's & 90's...and felt my weight was too much of an obstacle. So I didn't do it at ALL....I became almost phobic about performing solo.
Yesterday, I spent 60 minutes working on solo dancing. It was hard. That "I can't do this and be perfect" kinda hard...and boy were the internal voices going at me "just don't do it!!" But I kept it up. I CAN do this. I can change my issues with perfectionism....I can do things that are hard and be successful. I can work really hard and be "good enough" - not reaching perfection is not failure...and certainly no reason to not even try.
Here's to losing the fat between my ears....I suspect it's going to have to go before I see the external changes I want.
Monday, April 14, 2008
No...for those who suspected I was punishing myself for "gaining" by wearing clothes that were too small...no, that wasn't it at all.
It was a reality check for me - that pants that had fit just fine were two weeks later binding. No punishment was intended, lol to me or the pants. Simply that by wearing them it was a reminder to me...do I want my clothes to get too tight? No I do not! That's all. Nothing more complex, I promise.
Could it have been water weight? Sure, why not? Do I believe it was? Nope. Because I've been farting around with the same 5 pounds for MONTHS. Consistency has been seriously lacking.
Today, gratefully, is a new day. I spent the weekend working in my yard - which while I doubt had much cardio benefit, it had great benefit to my muscles as they all hurt at the end of both days of weeding, spreading bark etc. I feel a little better each day, tho I can't seem to shake the left over cough from being sick.
Looking forward to working out after I get out of the office today...I bought a huge pack of boneless chicken and tons of veggies so my fridge is well stocked and I'm ready to work on that consistency thing this week...here's to a fabulous new day!
Friday, April 11, 2008
So after being sick a full week...and still, much of any cardio at all sends me into spasms of coughing....my Friday "work jeans" are tighter than they were when i wore them two weeks ago.
Significantly tighter. Like ...almost uncomfortably tight. But I made myself wear them anyway today, as a reminder. When I bought these pants, they were the largest i have ever purchased, women's 26. I will freely admit, I have other pants in my closet that are 24's that are falling down...and usually wear a 22. So these are definitely sized funny.
But still - having to buy a 26 was the most painful thing...and I vowed I would NOT have to buy more at this size EVER AGAIN. So, while I recognize I've been ill and unable to exercise much at all...I wore them anyway for the reminder - THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE!
Hoping tomorrow I will be able to at least walk some without the coughing and start getting my cardio back on track!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
This week, when I watched the Biggest Loser...I was so amazed at Ali's progress.
In fifteen weeks, she went from someone who weight what I do...to 99 pounds lost. From flabby to hottie. Since Tuesday night, I've been pondering...how do I make that kind of change?
No, I can't take 5 monhts off my life to go to a special place, get training and education and work out 5 hours a day. Not possible.
God knows, I've tried a lot o' things on my own...largely unsuccessful. So, besides that golden 5 months to focus on myself (and even Ali was off campus for a few weeks)....how do I make the kind of changes she made?
I have a lot of knowledge, god knows, from reading and educating myself. It's not like "gee a big mac has about as many calories as I wanna eat in a day? " is big news to me. I've been there done that. Done the whole medically supervised thing, been educatd in nutritrion.
Do I DO it? Uh, no.
Again and again, I hear "a few small changes will add up!!" and I see it happen for others...but not me. Why is that? Why is it that snotty coworker can simply cut out a few snacks and drop 20 pounds in a few months? No exercise....just cut out those donuts. Or my friend who can simply add a half hour walk a few times a week, not change her eating..and lose weight. Again, not me. There are times I've let this really discourage me.
if Ali can do it...why can't I? What is the magic "something" that is the difference? Motivation I suppose. the attainment of confidence, perhaps?
Choosing water instead of soda. Choosing to park farther away. choosing to eat healthfully. Choosing to move my body. A few changes, but nothing signifigant.
So then....what is left? motivation. Determination. confidence. Not being lazy. Choosing to LIVE - really live...instead of passing the days "too busy" or "too tired" to do what needs to be done. Not looking for short way....but looking for a way of life.
That's the difference between me and Ms Ali. The real difference. I'm afraid I might fail....I'm also afraid I might succeed. Who knows what people might expect out of me if I succeeed? Then I might let them down...don't wanna do that. So let's not do ANYTHING.
yeah. Way to go Lisa. Really like where that's gotten you the last 20+ years.
Here's to a change.
Get An Email Alert Each Time NOREGRET2010 Posts