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"have some patience with yourself!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So said the doc when I finally broke down and dragged myself into his office Monday. I've been coughing non-stop - once I started, I can't seem to stop. It's left me feeling like a wrung out wash cloth - limp and drained.

He said, nope, not pneumonia. Not bronchitis. More like I've been pretty sick, I now have a sinus infection, the pollen is really doing it's thing the last week or so which is triggering my asthma....and so my lungs are extra sensitive and spasming/coughing at just about every insult, no matter how small. "Twitchy lungs". He then admonished me about being so impatient with myself...expecting my body to recoup from whatever nasty virus started the whole thing in just a few mere days...and not giving myself sufficient rest and time to get well.

But..... I had things I wanted to do!! We were short staffed at work and I felt guilty.....and..... he's totally right. I'm really not good at not doing anthing...Call it part of my ADD or what have you..."rest" is not really in my vocabulary. If I'm not doing something...I feel...................guilty. Edgy. Crabby. I get depressed, fast.

And that lack of caring for myself has left me right where I am - tired and weak, having a hard time getting well. I rushed back into work, I rushed back into dance...I rushed into doing the things I wanted to do on top of it. So, regardless of those things I wanted to get done ....regardless of my internal bashing myself with guilt...I'm working the rest of the week on recuperating. Allowing myself space to get well. Not beating myself up over lost exercise, dance work, house work blah blah blah.

I * will * learn * to * care * for * myself!! It's never too late to learn new skills, aye?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUSKY__HANK 4/22/2008 9:40AM

  I am the same way. I needed to learn to take care of me. It is a hard lesson to learn but it is worth it. Hope you start feeling better

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I did it once, I can do it again

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

While I'm not seeing a lot of external change right now...I'm surely having some internal changes...someone called that "loosing the fat between your ears" and I really identify with that.

Self realization is odd stuff. It comes in the strangest moments. I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" moments over the weekend that I'm still processing.

I've never had to work really hard to achieve what I wanted. This is not to say I didn't work hard at it, because I did! It's that it came easily enough.

Going to school to become an EMT...then my college course for my transcription certificate....I had to be top of my class or nothing...there was no in between, no "good enough". So I worked really, really, REALLY hard at both...and I was top of my class dammit! But it wasn't HARD, if that makes any sense.

My came easily to me...and I competed and won several awards back in "the day" - but again, it wasn't HARD. I worked hard AT IT...but it wasn't hard for me. I'm not sure I can really express what that means....but there was a lot of perfectionism involved there...I had to be perfect, or it wasn't good enough.

Somewhere along the line...that thinking distorted even more...that if I could not be perfect...I wouldn't do it at ALL. In my dancing, that means I turned my energy and attention to teaching and running troupes (like a "team" of dancers - I have two!). I stopped working on MY dancing almost entirely. It's really rather a miracle I've had the success teaching that I do, since I RARELY perform solo....If you don't see a teacher usually suspect she isn't very good!

Performing solo became a really big obstacle in my mind. I couldn't let go of the "Sahara" from the 80's & 90's...and felt my weight was too much of an obstacle. So I didn't do it at ALL....I became almost phobic about performing solo.

Yesterday, I spent 60 minutes working on solo dancing. It was hard. That "I can't do this and be perfect" kinda hard...and boy were the internal voices going at me "just don't do it!!" But I kept it up. I CAN do this. I can change my issues with perfectionism....I can do things that are hard and be successful. I can work really hard and be "good enough" - not reaching perfection is not failure...and certainly no reason to not even try.

Here's to losing the fat between my ears....I suspect it's going to have to go before I see the external changes I want.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMANDAHE 4/20/2008 12:15PM

  You know what? I think that is why I like dancing tribal. emoticon

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DEANERS82 4/15/2008 1:40PM

    Thanks for this blog post. I really identify with it. Like you, things have always come easily to/for me, so when I have to really WORK for something, I get easily frustrated. It's good that we've both recognized that though and that we're both working to better ourselves internally and externally as well. :-)

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Nope, not punishing myself!

Monday, April 14, 2008

No...for those who suspected I was punishing myself for "gaining" by wearing clothes that were too, that wasn't it at all.

It was a reality check for me - that pants that had fit just fine were two weeks later binding. No punishment was intended, lol to me or the pants. Simply that by wearing them it was a reminder to I want my clothes to get too tight? No I do not! That's all. Nothing more complex, I promise.

Could it have been water weight? Sure, why not? Do I believe it was? Nope. Because I've been farting around with the same 5 pounds for MONTHS. Consistency has been seriously lacking.

Today, gratefully, is a new day. I spent the weekend working in my yard - which while I doubt had much cardio benefit, it had great benefit to my muscles as they all hurt at the end of both days of weeding, spreading bark etc. I feel a little better each day, tho I can't seem to shake the left over cough from being sick.

Looking forward to working out after I get out of the office today...I bought a huge pack of boneless chicken and tons of veggies so my fridge is well stocked and I'm ready to work on that consistency thing this's to a fabulous new day!


Tighter pants...instead of looser pants...

Friday, April 11, 2008

So after being sick a full week...and still, much of any cardio at all sends me into spasms of Friday "work jeans" are tighter than they were when i wore them two weeks ago.

Significantly tighter. Like ...almost uncomfortably tight. But I made myself wear them anyway today, as a reminder. When I bought these pants, they were the largest i have ever purchased, women's 26. I will freely admit, I have other pants in my closet that are 24's that are falling down...and usually wear a 22. So these are definitely sized funny.

But still - having to buy a 26 was the most painful thing...and I vowed I would NOT have to buy more at this size EVER AGAIN. So, while I recognize I've been ill and unable to exercise much at all...I wore them anyway for the reminder - THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE!

Hoping tomorrow I will be able to at least walk some without the coughing and start getting my cardio back on track!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGODDESS_INSIDE 4/14/2008 10:15AM

    The pants that I'm wearing now were tighter last week because of TOM, and now they're loose enough to need a belt. That's a huge fluctuation, but it happens.

Like a previous poster said, don't punish yourself! The more you make this seem like trying to lose weight is a punishment, the less likely you are to stick with it.

Don't forget: Complete strangers are depending on you!! emoticon

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KYRRDIS 4/12/2008 6:06PM

    If you think the reminder will help, go ahead... but not if you're punishing yourself for being sick. Fluid retention could be part of your problem, especially if you had a lot of salty fluids (like chicken soup) during your illness. See if the pants fit better after a couple of days of 'clean living'.

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DEANERS82 4/12/2008 1:56PM

    Hope you're feeling better!!! It may be a water or salt bloating kind of thing and not an actual weight gain-- our bodies get all messed up when we get sick.

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CJSTRIP 4/11/2008 5:01PM

    Actually this sounds like a good strategy!!

Hope you feel better...and the pants feel looser next Friday!!!


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A million litle choices

Thursday, April 10, 2008

This week, when I watched the Biggest Loser...I was so amazed at Ali's progress.

In fifteen weeks, she went from someone who weight what I 99 pounds lost. From flabby to hottie. Since Tuesday night, I've been do I make that kind of change?

No, I can't take 5 monhts off my life to go to a special place, get training and education and work out 5 hours a day. Not possible.

God knows, I've tried a lot o' things on my own...largely unsuccessful. So, besides that golden 5 months to focus on myself (and even Ali was off campus for a few weeks) do I make the kind of changes she made?

I have a lot of knowledge, god knows, from reading and educating myself. It's not like "gee a big mac has about as many calories as I wanna eat in a day? " is big news to me. I've been there done that. Done the whole medically supervised thing, been educatd in nutritrion.

Do I DO it? Uh, no.

Again and again, I hear "a few small changes will add up!!" and I see it happen for others...but not me. Why is that? Why is it that snotty coworker can simply cut out a few snacks and drop 20 pounds in a few months? No exercise....just cut out those donuts. Or my friend who can simply add a half hour walk a few times a week, not change her eating..and lose weight. Again, not me. There are times I've let this really discourage me.

if Ali can do it...why can't I? What is the magic "something" that is the difference? Motivation I suppose. the attainment of confidence, perhaps?

Choosing water instead of soda. Choosing to park farther away. choosing to eat healthfully. Choosing to move my body. A few changes, but nothing signifigant.

So then....what is left? motivation. Determination. confidence. Not being lazy. Choosing to LIVE - really live...instead of passing the days "too busy" or "too tired" to do what needs to be done. Not looking for short way....but looking for a way of life.

That's the difference between me and Ms Ali. The real difference. I'm afraid I might fail....I'm also afraid I might succeed. Who knows what people might expect out of me if I succeeed? Then I might let them down...don't wanna do that. So let's not do ANYTHING.

yeah. Way to go Lisa. Really like where that's gotten you the last 20+ years.

Here's to a change.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGODDESS_INSIDE 4/11/2008 10:24AM

    One of my favorite quotes:

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

This is my problem, and I suspect, yours as well. It's difficult to change old habits. Ali and our friends at the Biggest Loser are -forced- to change their environment, their habits and they have someone forcing them to exercise. You're right, if you had that, and someone to be in your face every day and telling you what to eat and to run on a treadmill for five hours -- and don't stop, cause you're on camera -- you too could lose 99 pounds in 5 months.

But, that's not gonna happen. Therefore, the fact that you're pushing yourself forward is a much more impressive accomplishment, isn't it? When you're down to your goal weight -- and you will be! -- you will be in a position to live your life healthfully without a personal trainer holding your hand and telling you what to do next.

It's a HUGE process getting to think and live like a healthy person. Let's not be so tough on ourselves about it.

But -- No excuses! We know what to do, and we know the tricks we play on ourselves to get out of it.


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SERIALKNITTER 4/11/2008 9:27AM

    I have read on several occassions that the slower the weight comes off the more likely it is to stay off. I know that that is not helping - but if you had 5 or 6 months to devote to nothing but weight loss and had a team of people telling you what to do, when, and how - you'd be there too. Unfortunately the rest of us have ourselves to train us and be accountable to and have lives to live. You can do this. You can do it YOUR way. Who knows? That might be better.

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AMANDAHE 4/11/2008 12:12AM

  Oh I so hear you. I watch the Biggest Loser, watch the women start off heavier than me, a few weeks ago they were around the same weight, now they are all lighter than me. I look at how hard they work, the things that they actually can do, all things I shy away from.

Focus, absorbing oneself into lifestyle changes, exercise - everyday, and not just dancing!, drink water, start to move. How to keep the motivation? It is hard when you have the big picture to look at.

Maybe the focus should be less about the scale and more about the lifestyle.

Hm, not much help hey? lol emoticon

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CJSTRIP 4/10/2008 2:52PM

    A fear of succeeding is where I think a lot of us get stuck. I know every time I've lost weight and good-meaning folks start commenting on it I sabotage myself! It has to be a fear of success.

I am one of those that has to believe that if I tackle one of my 'hang ups' at a time, I will make this the final trip to get the life I want. I am usually an all or nothing type of this is new to me.

You can do it just have to find that one thing that pushes you.


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