Monday, April 28, 2008
uh, well, actually 40 days and 39 nights...until I compete in the pro category at BD USA. After being sick the better part of the last month...I feel the dogs of pressure nipping at my heels...today is Day 1. I'll list my plan...and each day I'll list what worked and what didn't work and adjust from there.
The goal: To really increase my cardio ability so I don't come off the stage huffing and puffing and to look as good as I can look in costume.
5-6 meals including 200-300 calories each. If I get hungry in between, I can have a piece of fruit. I know all too well how I do with deprivation...I flip out and eat every thing in the house. So, that's where I'm starting.
Cardio - Today at least one hour total of cardio, including 2 15 minute walks at work and home work out.
Stretching before bed.
Journaling - working through the crap in my head on paper, not with my head stuck in the fridge or pantry AVOIDING it.
I put BD USA at the forefront of this personal challenge, but in truth, it's been deeply triggered by seeing my dad in the hospital over the weekend. He must weigh 500 pounds...he is killing himself. No thanks. I don't want to do that to myself, or my kids and future grandchildren.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Is it the Girl Scouts motto that's "Be Prepared"? Don't recall..but I'm taking it as my own for the next few days.
I'm slowly getting better, less coughing...feeling strength return. I'm itchy to work out again, but I'm not rushing it this time. So I'm spending the next few days planning my course of action. As of Monday, I will have six weeks till I compete at Bellydancer USA.
I have fallen way, way off track as far as the level cardio I wanted to achieve, amount of work on the routine done, and weight? Uh....I suspect this last week I've gone the WRONG way on the scale.
So, I'm allowing myself till Monday to be fully well, or darn close to it. In the mean time I'm planning my food, my cardio, my strength and my dance stuff for the next six weeks so I can meet my goal of at the very minimum, not embarrassing the hell out of myself on that stage June 14.
BE PREPARED. That's what I'm focusing on: Preparing my plan, putting it into action, FOLLOWING THROUGH and feeling satisfied that I did what I needed to do, regardless of the outcome of the competition. I can do this.
I'll keep saying that daily until I believe it: I CAN DO THIS!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
So said the doc when I finally broke down and dragged myself into his office Monday. I've been coughing non-stop - once I started, I can't seem to stop. It's left me feeling like a wrung out wash cloth - limp and drained.
He said, nope, not pneumonia. Not bronchitis. More like I've been pretty sick, I now have a sinus infection, the pollen is really doing it's thing the last week or so which is triggering my asthma....and so my lungs are extra sensitive and spasming/coughing at just about every insult, no matter how small. "Twitchy lungs". He then admonished me about being so impatient with myself...expecting my body to recoup from whatever nasty virus started the whole thing in just a few mere days...and not giving myself sufficient rest and time to get well.
But..... I had things I wanted to do!! We were short staffed at work and I felt guilty.....and..... he's totally right. I'm really not good at not doing anthing...Call it part of my ADD or what have you..."rest" is not really in my vocabulary. If I'm not doing something...I feel...................guilty. Edgy. Crabby. I get depressed, fast.
And that lack of caring for myself has left me right where I am - tired and weak, having a hard time getting well. I rushed back into work, I rushed back into dance...I rushed into doing the things I wanted to do on top of it. So, regardless of those things I wanted to get done ....regardless of my internal bashing myself with guilt...I'm working the rest of the week on recuperating. Allowing myself space to get well. Not beating myself up over lost exercise, dance work, house work blah blah blah.
I * will * learn * to * care * for * myself!! It's never too late to learn new skills, aye?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
While I'm not seeing a lot of external change right now...I'm surely having some internal changes...someone called that "loosing the fat between your ears" and I really identify with that.
Self realization is odd stuff. It comes in the strangest moments. I had one of those "hit me like a ton of bricks" moments over the weekend that I'm still processing.
I've never had to work really hard to achieve what I wanted. This is not to say I didn't work hard at it, because I did! It's that it came easily enough.
Going to school to become an EMT...then my college course for my transcription certificate....I had to be top of my class or nothing...there was no in between, no "good enough". So I worked really, really, REALLY hard at both...and I was top of my class dammit! But it wasn't HARD, if that makes any sense.
My dancing....dance came easily to me...and I competed and won several awards back in "the day" - but again, it wasn't HARD. I worked hard AT IT...but it wasn't hard for me. I'm not sure I can really express what that means....but there was a lot of perfectionism involved there...I had to be perfect, or it wasn't good enough.
Somewhere along the line...that thinking distorted even more...that if I could not be perfect...I wouldn't do it at ALL. In my dancing, that means I turned my energy and attention to teaching and running troupes (like a "team" of dancers - I have two!). I stopped working on MY dancing almost entirely. It's really rather a miracle I've had the success teaching that I do, since I RARELY perform solo....If you don't see a teacher dancing...you usually suspect she isn't very good!
Performing solo became a really big obstacle in my mind. I couldn't let go of the "Sahara" from the 80's & 90's...and felt my weight was too much of an obstacle. So I didn't do it at ALL....I became almost phobic about performing solo.
Yesterday, I spent 60 minutes working on solo dancing. It was hard. That "I can't do this and be perfect" kinda hard...and boy were the internal voices going at me "just don't do it!!" But I kept it up. I CAN do this. I can change my issues with perfectionism....I can do things that are hard and be successful. I can work really hard and be "good enough" - not reaching perfection is not failure...and certainly no reason to not even try.
Here's to losing the fat between my ears....I suspect it's going to have to go before I see the external changes I want.
Monday, April 14, 2008
No...for those who suspected I was punishing myself for "gaining" by wearing clothes that were too small...no, that wasn't it at all.
It was a reality check for me - that pants that had fit just fine were two weeks later binding. No punishment was intended, lol to me or the pants. Simply that by wearing them it was a reminder to me...do I want my clothes to get too tight? No I do not! That's all. Nothing more complex, I promise.
Could it have been water weight? Sure, why not? Do I believe it was? Nope. Because I've been farting around with the same 5 pounds for MONTHS. Consistency has been seriously lacking.
Today, gratefully, is a new day. I spent the weekend working in my yard - which while I doubt had much cardio benefit, it had great benefit to my muscles as they all hurt at the end of both days of weeding, spreading bark etc. I feel a little better each day, tho I can't seem to shake the left over cough from being sick.
Looking forward to working out after I get out of the office today...I bought a huge pack of boneless chicken and tons of veggies so my fridge is well stocked and I'm ready to work on that consistency thing this week...here's to a fabulous new day!
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