Tuesday, May 13, 2008
This a.m., when I stepped on the scale - I've lost another pound, for a total of 12 pounds.
Now wouldn't you think my reaction would be to be happy for pity's sake?
No, my reaction was....."I didn't really work very hard...." almost as if I don't DESERVE to lose a pound because I didn't kill myself doing it.
Whew. I know I'm struggling with emotions and PTSD crap - Mother's day sorta got to me this year and I've got some issues I'm working through with my dad that has triggered some depression/anxiety - but for god's sake, I don't DESERVE to lose a pound?
Hello!! Wake up call!! Danger Will Robinson! I know part of this is because I over ate during the weekend and I'm having guilt over it.
What can I be doing about this kind of twisted thinking?
1. TAKE MY MEDS...so easy to say...so easy to forget.
2. Journal - spill out all the garbage in my head onto paper so I have room for positive, happy thoughts!
3. Remind myself that even if this last pound or two seemed "easy" - it hasn't been - I've remained sugar free for two weeks, and keeping my calories in check that long is a miracle - regardless of what happens on the scale.
This is the kind of "this is too hard...I can't do it" thinking that helped get me to 250 pounds - I have to remain vigilant to not let it "get" me right back to where I was. Twelve pounds in less than three weeks is AWESOME - my last word of advice to myself is:
Get over it, move forward, appreciate yourself for what you're doing and stop beating yourself up!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Last week was very inspiring and fast moving for me....the first week of really DOING all the things I should be doing had me losing a pound a day....very motivating!
I'm -just- under 240 for the first time in a REALLY long time....and now the honeymoon (of losing a pound a day) is over and I can see it's going to take the same amount of work and effort I put in last week to lose TWO pounds if I'm lucky for the week.
I've been getting cardio (20 min on ellpitical) about 5x a week...but I know it's also time to amp that up a little. More time on it is hard to imagine, cause those 20 minutes are LONG minutes...but it's what needs to happen. I've been doing 2 or 3 on the resistance, for lack of a better plan, I think I will try adding 5 minutes on 1 to what I've been doing, and building it up from there. Today's LC challenge is to get in 45 min exercise - which sounds like sort of a lot to me today, but it's easier to think of doing it for the challenge, for my team than just doing it on my own.
I have noticed some generalized crabbiness....without using food to soothe myself - I have to deal with my emotions. Self medicating with food has been a lifelong habit, and it's .... hard not to. More than anything food wise, I miss my coffee - but not enough to consume the 300+ calories it contained.
Yeah, I know I could have the skinny sugar free version....but I also know I haven't been off of sugar long enough for it to taste good - it would be a very disappointing substitute. So, I'm sticking with diet coke for now, tho I know it has sodium and all that ... it's a change from the daily Dutch Freeze that's saving me at least 1200 cal a week...and I'll work on increasing my water and decreasing my DC in the weeks to come.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Last week, I was feeling pretty edgy about my competition goal. My costume wasn't here, my music wasn't here...and I felt way behind in my efforts to increase my stamina and have some weight loss happen.
This week is starting off much better - I lost a total of 7 pounds last week, woot! My costume arrived Saturday and despite a minor detail or two fits well and looks like I hoped it would. My music arrived and I got it all cut and blended...
Noticeably for me was last night. I teach 3 hours of dance classes every Sunday night. Typically by the end of those three hours, I think I might die, lol. By the time I get home, my muscles are cramping badly and I'm so stoved up I can barely make it in from the car.
Last night, I had none of the usual aches and pains, and in fact was able to run to the store after class - usually there would be no way I would be able to do that. So, my exericse/food control has made a significant difference there! I was still tired...but not a complete wreck.
This week's goals:
Lose 2 pounds by:
20 minutes minimum on elliptical x 5 days
Keeping calories within range
dancing, dancing and more dancing.
Okay, we'll be honest...I'd like to lose more than 2 pounds - but I know the first week losing 7 was pretty great and that 2 is a healthy goal. But secretly? Yeah..I'd like to lose more than 2. But...I'll just keep that as my goal and hopefully be pleasantly surprised, lol.
Friday, May 02, 2008
you know what I love about my SP blog? I can write about all my internal stuff that leads me to overeating, stress and unhappiness....and know that the few who might read it - get it. They don't judge me - talk about me behind my back - they just listen, give constructive feedback (which i take with a grain of salt, lol applying what works and leaving the rest) and say "YOU CAN DO IT!" Meanwhile I process a lot of stuff that would have stayed inside and perhaps pushed me over the edge into binging. Wow. Pretty cool SP exists. :)
A really, REALLY long time ago, I competed a bit on the Pacific Northwest bellydance competition circuit and did pretty well. Back in the "olden days" they had a "semi pro" category and I won up to that point.
Flash forward 20+ years, a lot of life under the bridge and the gain of about 100 pounds, I wanted to challenge myself...and I signed up to compete at BD USA in the Alternative Music Pro category. For non-bellydancers, this would probably be like signing up to do a marathon or an amature fitness competition.
Thirty-six days before the event....My costume has finally been shipped, but when it arrives, it needs serious embellishment. My final choice (I hope) in music should be arriving no later than next week as well - because of course, I had to switch gears and go with a "theme" when I hadn't planned on going with a theme in the first place, just dancing to a couple of songs that moved me...then I had to find music to match the theme....So....I have some ideas, but no choreography (and I'm sorry, but I am a choreographer through and through. I will NOT be happy if I just get up there and "wing it." Improvisation is not always our friend, lol) - no costume - and at this moment I'm thinking...
What the hell was I thinking?
I'm reminding myself this morning:
- I did not go into this with the idea of winning. I wanted to challenge myself, and boy howdy, I've done that now haven't I??
- I'm tired and stressed out over stuff not being here for me to get it all lined up, and next week this time likely it will all be here and I'll be able to take my stress out in whipping it into shape.
- I'm performing tonight with my troupe and I'm stressed out about it, I don't care for dancing in restaurants and that's what we're doing so I'm feeling edgy.
- My weight is really bothering me after seeing the video of our performance last weekend - my belly was effing HUGE....All 100 pounds of my overweight is surely right THERE on my gut and it ws horrifying, truly horrifying. That is probably really influencing a lot of my feelings right now.
- I learned a friend of mine who is about 98 pounds soaking wet (seriously!) is going to compete in the same category and it threw me - and I immediately went into "fat chick thinking" - "I have no chance of placing with XXX in there, cause I am so fat." On top of my other stressors, this sort of sent me over the edge.
What I know:
1. I have lost 6 pounds this week - not by doing any thing crazy but by keeping my calories under 1550, and exercising 15-30 minutes. I am seriously increasing my cardio stamina on the bleepity bleep elliptical and I feel REALLY, REALLY good about those things. I will NOT allow my internal voices of paranoia, fear, and self doubt take those successes away from me.
2. Reality is, who knows what the judges will like that day? and I didn't take this on to win, I took it on to challenge myself. PERIOD.
3. I will NOT freak out and binge over all these feelings roiling around inside me. I will NOT. PERIOD.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Let's not talk about how long I've been on SP. Let's certainly not discuss how long I've been morbidly obese or how many times I've "tried" to lose weight.
Cause this time...I'm really doing it! I'm down 5 pounds this week....by keeping my calories within SP suggested range and exercising 15-30 minutes a day.
The very real truth? In all those other times...I never really DID it. Yeah...I tracked my food....until about 3 or 4 pm when I "ran out" of calories for the day....then well, what was the point? I kept on eating - not "much" I told myself - and whined about why wasn't I losing weight??
This is the first four days in a row I have stayed under the 1550 calorie limit - EVER. Let's be real...you can not continue to over eat, even if it's only a few hundred calories a day - continue your same level of exericise - and lose weight. I know that.
But I sure wasn't apparently ready to commit to giving up sugar or food to get there. At the beginning of this season's Biggest Loser...there was an episode where they showed the couples their demo tapes again after they'd been on the ranch a couple weeks and had some reality checks. One couple, I think it was the black husband and wife, made me cry. They began to both cry, they said they were killing themselves...and one thing I think it was the wife said about their food consumption "There's no way we can work off that much food".
That's the lie I've told myself for so long I believed it. That statement has haunted me if you want the truth - because it applied to me. I felt like I was busy and dancing a lot and hey, i worked out...sometimes! I shouldn't have this fat and I still wanted to eat what I wanted to eat, dammit.
So I played with weight loss, played with SP....and bitched and cried about how I couldn't lose weight no matter what I did.
Guess what? I'm really doing the program....and I'm really losing weight! I went to bed last night thinking happy thoughts about wow this really does work..you know if you just DO it, lol.....and I had a moment' panic - what if I don't stick with it?? Can I take one more failure?
Then a very clear decision in my heart came to be.... I've just proven I can do it - I can do this without cheating - without lying to myself. I AM doing this! I'm really doing it!
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