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What is wrong with me?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This a.m., when I stepped on the scale - I've lost another pound, for a total of 12 pounds.

Now wouldn't you think my reaction would be to be happy for pity's sake?

No, my reaction was....."I didn't really work very hard...." almost as if I don't DESERVE to lose a pound because I didn't kill myself doing it.

Whew. I know I'm struggling with emotions and PTSD crap - Mother's day sorta got to me this year and I've got some issues I'm working through with my dad that has triggered some depression/anxiety - but for god's sake, I don't DESERVE to lose a pound?

Hello!! Wake up call!! Danger Will Robinson! I know part of this is because I over ate during the weekend and I'm having guilt over it.

What can I be doing about this kind of twisted thinking?
1. TAKE MY easy to easy to forget.
2. Journal - spill out all the garbage in my head onto paper so I have room for positive, happy thoughts!
3. Remind myself that even if this last pound or two seemed "easy" - it hasn't been - I've remained sugar free for two weeks, and keeping my calories in check that long is a miracle - regardless of what happens on the scale.

This is the kind of "this is too hard...I can't do it" thinking that helped get me to 250 pounds - I have to remain vigilant to not let it "get" me right back to where I was. Twelve pounds in less than three weeks is AWESOME - my last word of advice to myself is:

Get over it, move forward, appreciate yourself for what you're doing and stop beating yourself up!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREESPIRIT1966 5/14/2008 2:14PM

    Congratulations on your continued loss, what an achievement. Also, congrats on remaining sugar free for so long. Wow, I may have to set that goal for myself. You are doing wonderful, and you're right, you owe it to yourself to give yourself a little pat on the back for success.

peace & light

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SPARKLE2011 5/13/2008 12:11PM

    You are very honest in your blog and also very insightful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. One thing I just have to say is that it is truly awesome that you have a plan. And, would you stop beating yourself up?? There's enough people out there in the world that do it to us all day long, we don't need to do it to ourselves.

Have a great day... and congrats on that one pound. You do deserve it!

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STREBEND 5/13/2008 10:44AM

  I could have written the first part of your post myself - I've had exactly those feelings, too many times and in too many situations to count.
The second part of your post, though, is where you deserve applause. You are so insightful, and the solutions you present are exactly right. It sounds to me like you do have a lot to be proud of, including the intelligence and problem-solving capacity and hopeful outlook that will really see you through. Even to a casual reader, it's obvious that you're special - and you do deserve to feel proud.

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KELLY@50 5/13/2008 10:22AM

    The answer to your question is NOTHING! Nothing is wrong with you.

Some weeks are more difficult than others - I'm sure you've heard this 100 times before, but it's persistence that will win the game for you.

Give yourself a big pat on the back for losing the pound!

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SABAIFITNESS 5/13/2008 10:06AM

    Great blog and I think it's wonderful that you're being so open and honest with your feelings. I think what you're describing is INCREDIBLY common and I know I've felt like I didn't deserve it a few times.

Something I've found though is that my "perfect days" are almost non-existent and I don't think I've ever had a "perfect week". It's not about perfection. It's about doing more right than more wrong. Tipping the balance on the side of health. The more you tip it toward health, the faster the weight loss.

A lot of times I have to remind myself that it's not a race and I'm not on the biggest loser. I'm not about to get voted off because I had a tough week :-)

Many blessings... William

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putting in another day

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Last week was very inspiring and fast moving for me....the first week of really DOING all the things I should be doing had me losing a pound a day....very motivating!

I'm -just- under 240 for the first time in a REALLY long time....and now the honeymoon (of losing a pound a day) is over and I can see it's going to take the same amount of work and effort I put in last week to lose TWO pounds if I'm lucky for the week.

I've been getting cardio (20 min on ellpitical) about 5x a week...but I know it's also time to amp that up a little. More time on it is hard to imagine, cause those 20 minutes are LONG minutes...but it's what needs to happen. I've been doing 2 or 3 on the resistance, for lack of a better plan, I think I will try adding 5 minutes on 1 to what I've been doing, and building it up from there. Today's LC challenge is to get in 45 min exercise - which sounds like sort of a lot to me today, but it's easier to think of doing it for the challenge, for my team than just doing it on my own.

I have noticed some generalized crabbiness....without using food to soothe myself - I have to deal with my emotions. Self medicating with food has been a lifelong habit, and it's .... hard not to. More than anything food wise, I miss my coffee - but not enough to consume the 300+ calories it contained.
Yeah, I know I could have the skinny sugar free version....but I also know I haven't been off of sugar long enough for it to taste good - it would be a very disappointing substitute. So, I'm sticking with diet coke for now, tho I know it has sodium and all that ... it's a change from the daily Dutch Freeze that's saving me at least 1200 cal a week...and I'll work on increasing my water and decreasing my DC in the weeks to come.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLE2011 5/9/2008 3:41PM

    You're doing great... just take it one day at a time!


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MSFICOSCORE 5/8/2008 12:44PM

    Hey lady, thanks so much for the shoes!!! They are to die for!! How did you know I always wanted a hot pair of red pumps?! LOL

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HUSKY__HANK 5/8/2008 10:42AM

  You are doing great.


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MSFICOSCORE 5/8/2008 10:13AM

    Boy do I feel you on the crabbiness! I cut out coffee too because once I added in all of the flavored creams and sugar, it was a MOCHACHOCALATTA with a gazillion calories! And I've also turned away from the emotional eating so it's rough....real rough. You don't know how much you depend on food until you decide to start paying attention and writing down what all you're eating and when. This has really been a wake up call for me. I'm in love with Cherry Coke One now and it's a pretty good substitute for the real thing and tastes a little sweeter than regular diet coke. Hang in there - we can do this!

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    One day at a time - and you're doing it. Awesome!

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ARIANESMOM 5/8/2008 9:45AM

    Keep up the hard work. It's hard when the weight stops dropping quickly it can be discouraging. However, look at it in losing inches too. Soon clothes will fit better. I'm just excited that I can cross my legs without struggling. It's the little things in life. emoticon

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Out of Limbo...

Monday, May 05, 2008

Last week, I was feeling pretty edgy about my competition goal. My costume wasn't here, my music wasn't here...and I felt way behind in my efforts to increase my stamina and have some weight loss happen.

This week is starting off much better - I lost a total of 7 pounds last week, woot! My costume arrived Saturday and despite a minor detail or two fits well and looks like I hoped it would. My music arrived and I got it all cut and blended...

Noticeably for me was last night. I teach 3 hours of dance classes every Sunday night. Typically by the end of those three hours, I think I might die, lol. By the time I get home, my muscles are cramping badly and I'm so stoved up I can barely make it in from the car.

Last night, I had none of the usual aches and pains, and in fact was able to run to the store after class - usually there would be no way I would be able to do that. So, my exericse/food control has made a significant difference there! I was still tired...but not a complete wreck.

This week's goals:
Lose 2 pounds by:
20 minutes minimum on elliptical x 5 days
Keeping calories within range
dancing, dancing and more dancing.

Okay, we'll be honest...I'd like to lose more than 2 pounds - but I know the first week losing 7 was pretty great and that 2 is a healthy goal. But secretly? Yeah..I'd like to lose more than 2. But...I'll just keep that as my goal and hopefully be pleasantly surprised, lol.


What WAS I thinking?

Friday, May 02, 2008

you know what I love about my SP blog? I can write about all my internal stuff that leads me to overeating, stress and unhappiness....and know that the few who might read it - get it. They don't judge me - talk about me behind my back - they just listen, give constructive feedback (which i take with a grain of salt, lol applying what works and leaving the rest) and say "YOU CAN DO IT!" Meanwhile I process a lot of stuff that would have stayed inside and perhaps pushed me over the edge into binging. Wow. Pretty cool SP exists. :)

A really, REALLY long time ago, I competed a bit on the Pacific Northwest bellydance competition circuit and did pretty well. Back in the "olden days" they had a "semi pro" category and I won up to that point.

Flash forward 20+ years, a lot of life under the bridge and the gain of about 100 pounds, I wanted to challenge myself...and I signed up to compete at BD USA in the Alternative Music Pro category. For non-bellydancers, this would probably be like signing up to do a marathon or an amature fitness competition.

Thirty-six days before the event....My costume has finally been shipped, but when it arrives, it needs serious embellishment. My final choice (I hope) in music should be arriving no later than next week as well - because of course, I had to switch gears and go with a "theme" when I hadn't planned on going with a theme in the first place, just dancing to a couple of songs that moved me...then I had to find music to match the theme....So....I have some ideas, but no choreography (and I'm sorry, but I am a choreographer through and through. I will NOT be happy if I just get up there and "wing it." Improvisation is not always our friend, lol) - no costume - and at this moment I'm thinking...

What the hell was I thinking?

I'm reminding myself this morning:
- I did not go into this with the idea of winning. I wanted to challenge myself, and boy howdy, I've done that now haven't I??

- I'm tired and stressed out over stuff not being here for me to get it all lined up, and next week this time likely it will all be here and I'll be able to take my stress out in whipping it into shape.

- I'm performing tonight with my troupe and I'm stressed out about it, I don't care for dancing in restaurants and that's what we're doing so I'm feeling edgy.

- My weight is really bothering me after seeing the video of our performance last weekend - my belly was effing HUGE....All 100 pounds of my overweight is surely right THERE on my gut and it ws horrifying, truly horrifying. That is probably really influencing a lot of my feelings right now.

- I learned a friend of mine who is about 98 pounds soaking wet (seriously!) is going to compete in the same category and it threw me - and I immediately went into "fat chick thinking" - "I have no chance of placing with XXX in there, cause I am so fat." On top of my other stressors, this sort of sent me over the edge.

What I know:
1. I have lost 6 pounds this week - not by doing any thing crazy but by keeping my calories under 1550, and exercising 15-30 minutes. I am seriously increasing my cardio stamina on the bleepity bleep elliptical and I feel REALLY, REALLY good about those things. I will NOT allow my internal voices of paranoia, fear, and self doubt take those successes away from me.

2. Reality is, who knows what the judges will like that day? and I didn't take this on to win, I took it on to challenge myself. PERIOD.

3. I will NOT freak out and binge over all these feelings roiling around inside me. I will NOT. PERIOD.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HYPATIAX 5/3/2008 6:55PM

    Way to go! Who cares if you win or not, just doing it is great. emoticon

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SPARKLE2011 5/2/2008 8:56PM

    Wow... I am truly in aw of you right now. You set your sights on something to challenge yourself and you are going to do it. That is positively inspirational. Do you know how many people say they are going to do something and just let the opportunities pass right by because of all of their self-doubts and fear? I mean, what are any of us waiting for? All we have is this one life and we really should live each day to its fullest.

I love the attitude you have that you are not doing this to win it, but to challenge yourself. That right there means you have already won it!

And, I have to say, these words from your blog are so powerful:

I will NOT allow my internal voices of paranoia, fear, and self doubt take those successes away from me.

All I can say it... ROCK ON!


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JWOODS6 5/2/2008 11:22AM

    you're so ready for this competition. Take the "what I know" portion of your blog, write it down on paper, and keep reading it out loud to yourself. Keep those good thoughts around you, get in there and do the best that you can. It's all any of us can do.

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DESHARRI 5/2/2008 10:40AM

    Yeah you! you talking through all the crap and staying on your path. Maybe the sun with be at your back during the competition and the judges won't even be able to see XXX. Even if they see her perfectly, you've got competition in your dna and the competition you've picked is healthy - to challenge yourself - which you have control over. Congrats!

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I'm really doing it!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Let's not talk about how long I've been on SP. Let's certainly not discuss how long I've been morbidly obese or how many times I've "tried" to lose weight.

Cause this time...I'm really doing it! I'm down 5 pounds this keeping my calories within SP suggested range and exercising 15-30 minutes a day.

The very real truth? In all those other times...I never really DID it. Yeah...I tracked my food....until about 3 or 4 pm when I "ran out" of calories for the day....then well, what was the point? I kept on eating - not "much" I told myself - and whined about why wasn't I losing weight??

This is the first four days in a row I have stayed under the 1550 calorie limit - EVER. Let's be can not continue to over eat, even if it's only a few hundred calories a day - continue your same level of exericise - and lose weight. I know that.

But I sure wasn't apparently ready to commit to giving up sugar or food to get there. At the beginning of this season's Biggest Loser...there was an episode where they showed the couples their demo tapes again after they'd been on the ranch a couple weeks and had some reality checks. One couple, I think it was the black husband and wife, made me cry. They began to both cry, they said they were killing themselves...and one thing I think it was the wife said about their food consumption "There's no way we can work off that much food".

That's the lie I've told myself for so long I believed it. That statement has haunted me if you want the truth - because it applied to me. I felt like I was busy and dancing a lot and hey, i worked out...sometimes! I shouldn't have this fat and I still wanted to eat what I wanted to eat, dammit.

So I played with weight loss, played with SP....and bitched and cried about how I couldn't lose weight no matter what I did.

Guess what? I'm really doing the program....and I'm really losing weight! I went to bed last night thinking happy thoughts about wow this really does know if you just DO it, lol.....and I had a moment' panic - what if I don't stick with it?? Can I take one more failure?

Then a very clear decision in my heart came to be.... I've just proven I can do it - I can do this without cheating - without lying to myself. I AM doing this! I'm really doing it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JWOODS6 5/1/2008 2:28PM

    Wow! That was awesome! You have come so far, and you're now realizing the most important part. You are in control! And you can do it! Keep up the good work. We are all here to root you on!

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KRO-BAR 5/1/2008 12:34PM

    Way to own up to the reasons it wasn't working before for you! Stories like this make everyone realize we're all human but we can succeed when we challenge ourselves! Way to go!

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SERIALKNITTER 5/1/2008 10:16AM

    Way to go! You've faced it all, laid it out there, and gained focus. You can do this!

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