Tuesday, May 27, 2008
One of the things my ex-husband threw at me 10 years ago when I left was "You hold a grudge! You don't forgive!" This was in response to 14 years of alcoholism. At the time, I thought, yeah right buddy because he had kept the same behavior for years and thought saying "sorry" should make it go away and be forgotten so he could do it again.
But today, I'm wondering if there isn't some truth there.
A coworker got in trouble last week and when called on the carpet for her behavior, tried to deflect attention from herself to me, but accusing me of some really not cool stuff, like well, not working! Thate she did "all" the work etc. She was sort of hateful too, saying I took tons of personal calls - the only calls I take are from the school for my asthmatic kid! anyway, she was really viscious. Luckily, I run a report weekly (i'm the supervisor) showing the workload and it clearly showed I am doing well more than my share so nothing really came of it....but...
I'm having a hard time forgiving it and letting it go. I'm feeling angry and betrayed. Talking to her is not an option, becuase HR came in and said there was to be NO discussion of last weeks issues. Period. Besides, I'm beginning to realize who she is to my face is really different to who she is behind my back and who knows what the result of bringing it up would be?
Of course some one brought donuts today, and I really wanted to just stuff one in my mouth - distract myself with food....but I didn't. In fact, when I took my break I felt so unsure I could NOT eat them, that I took a chair into one of the storerooms so I could be alone and not have to deal with the donuts.
I was so dreading coming to work, I forgot to weigh - doesn't that speak volumes?
Plan: Stay on my food Plan! NO DONUTS! NO EATING TO EASE MY FEELINGS.
20 min elliptical, no EXCUSES.
8 hours sleep.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Isn't this the truth? I am reminded by this in several aspects of my life -
In dance: Maybe I don't particularly care for their style of dance, but I can appreciate their energy, their passion for the dance, their costuming, if nothing else, I can see what I don't want to do!
In the workplace: This was presented to me so clearly yesterday. There's been a VAST amount of trauma/drama at work this week, and I realized someone I liked and trusted was pretty viscous behind people's back and not trustworthy or willing to be accountable, while I realized someone I don't particularly care for at work - at least what you see is what you get with her, there is no pretence.
At home: Being a parent means modeling behavior - the good, the bad, and the ugly behaviors of being a human "bean". Seeing one of my children exhibit a behavoir I dislike, and then realizing that's because they've been watching ME do it...well, there is a lot to be learned from that!
I strayed from my eating plan yesterday. A Sonic Drive in opened here, and Jodie has been frothing at the mouth to go, lol, having missed it after moving here from the South. I made a concious decision I would go, and I would have anything I wanted on the menu. You know what? I learned two important things. One, my appetite has really diminished. Where before I could have polished off my food and half of anyone else's, I felt quite full at not even eating all of mine. Two, it didn't taste good. I don't mean the food was bad...just that I have not been eating fast food, fried food, sugary food, what have you...and it tasted...gross. Wow. That's pretty cool!
here's to a weekend of dancing, sweating, and having a little R&R.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Well, somewhat. The last three days have been one thing after another, and I wanted to just hide under the bed!
They're not all fixed, and in fact I think I have to face some icky stuff at work yet again today, but I'm feeling really motivated nonetheless!
My back is much, much better - I was able to do 10 min on the ellpitical pain free. I've managed to be binge free the last three days despite trauma/drama.
I read the profile of the gal who is going to be on Good Morning America this a.m., and was so totally inspired...she weighed about what I weigh and wow, has she DONE IT! So that really lifted my spirits - again seeing real people have success is very inspirational!
So, todays goals:
Track every bite - I've been slacking. No weight gain, but ....I've been lucky cause I haven't been tracking!
BAck on the elliptical, 20 minutes or until I feel it in my back, whichever comes first.
Water - boy is that one a hard one for me!
Lastly, and probably most important, I will speak my truth today, I will not bottle my feelings up inside and/or eat them up. I will be concious to be polite, professional, etc. I will acknowledge my own errors, but not wallow in what a terrible person I am or allow others to treat me poorly.
Here's to a much better end of the week than it started!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My back is out
Car went from $378 repairs to $1700 repairs
Had to ask for draw
Bookkeeper came up to our office TWICE when I was not there and talked to coworkers about me getting a draw and how was I going to pay it back etc.
Coworker went behind my back complaining about the way I handled something, but is sugar sweet to my face.
I lodged formal complaint against bookkeeper for talking about my financial issues to my coworkers and about coworker, and there will be two meetings today to "deal" with it.
Jodie's car died this a.m. in my work parking lot, and will not start.
I want to eat everything. I want to cry. I want to run away.
The not eating everything...that is huge. I have stuffed food in my mouth to stop the hurt a million times. I'm not sure I know how to do something different. Feeling angry is....hard. I haven't FELT my feelings in a long time...I stuffed food in my mouth to hide them. Without the food, I have to FEEL them. It SUCKS. But I can't keep doing it, it's killing me slowly.
So...instead of holding it all in - I lodged the complaints. The bookkeeper has done so many ugly things to me in the last 10 years I've worked here, I 've lost count. Complaining about it got me no where - so I just stuffed it. But today, I'm DONE. I will speak my truth, demand that my financial info be kept confidential and I will not eat my way through it. I will face the coworker and say, If you need to talk to me about how this department is being run, talk to ME - not everyone else here. And, I will not eat through that.
I liken my addicton to sugar to an alcoholic. Well, right this second, I have more sympathy for the alcoholics I've known. It's FREAKING HARD not to give in to the addiction.
Monday, May 19, 2008
It's Monday, which while not usually one of my favorite days I'm pretty happy to see it.
I have had to face that weekends are a huge problem for me. My routine is out the window on weekends...and apparently, I thrive on routine. Having the family home, food that is not included on my plan, exercise seems to get pushed to the wayside...
Call me crazy, but I'm glad to see Monday where I can be in my routine and focus on what I need to do!
So, no weight loss last week (yet - last weigh in was tuesday). But, no gain either, so...I can live with that. I need to up my enthusiasim again tho, and make SURE I am getting my scheduled cardio in ALL WEEK - no slacking! I need to make sure I am tracking every bite again, cause it's soooo easy to justify in my mind "oh it's not that bad....".
Here's to Monday, rekindling the fire, being positive and PROACTIVE. This is my LIFE...this is my HEALTH..... This is my BODY -which I want to sustain me for about 60 more years. Yes, that would make me 104 at the end of that time span, but I have the genetics to do it - so why not go for it!!?? And a happy and HEALTHY 60 years is what I'd like to achieve - so here's to lighting the fire one more day....
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