Thursday, May 22, 2008
Well, somewhat. The last three days have been one thing after another, and I wanted to just hide under the bed!
They're not all fixed, and in fact I think I have to face some icky stuff at work yet again today, but I'm feeling really motivated nonetheless!
My back is much, much better - I was able to do 10 min on the ellpitical pain free. I've managed to be binge free the last three days despite trauma/drama.
I read the profile of the gal who is going to be on Good Morning America this a.m., and was so totally inspired...she weighed about what I weigh and wow, has she DONE IT! So that really lifted my spirits - again seeing real people have success is very inspirational!
So, todays goals:
Track every bite - I've been slacking. No weight gain, but ....I've been lucky cause I haven't been tracking!
BAck on the elliptical, 20 minutes or until I feel it in my back, whichever comes first.
Water - boy is that one a hard one for me!
Lastly, and probably most important, I will speak my truth today, I will not bottle my feelings up inside and/or eat them up. I will be concious to be polite, professional, etc. I will acknowledge my own errors, but not wallow in what a terrible person I am or allow others to treat me poorly.
Here's to a much better end of the week than it started!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
My back is out
Car went from $378 repairs to $1700 repairs
Had to ask for draw
Bookkeeper came up to our office TWICE when I was not there and talked to coworkers about me getting a draw and how was I going to pay it back etc.
Coworker went behind my back complaining about the way I handled something, but is sugar sweet to my face.
I lodged formal complaint against bookkeeper for talking about my financial issues to my coworkers and about coworker, and there will be two meetings today to "deal" with it.
Jodie's car died this a.m. in my work parking lot, and will not start.
I want to eat everything. I want to cry. I want to run away.
The not eating everything...that is huge. I have stuffed food in my mouth to stop the hurt a million times. I'm not sure I know how to do something different. Feeling angry is....hard. I haven't FELT my feelings in a long time...I stuffed food in my mouth to hide them. Without the food, I have to FEEL them. It SUCKS. But I can't keep doing it, it's killing me slowly.
So...instead of holding it all in - I lodged the complaints. The bookkeeper has done so many ugly things to me in the last 10 years I've worked here, I 've lost count. Complaining about it got me no where - so I just stuffed it. But today, I'm DONE. I will speak my truth, demand that my financial info be kept confidential and I will not eat my way through it. I will face the coworker and say, If you need to talk to me about how this department is being run, talk to ME - not everyone else here. And, I will not eat through that.
I liken my addicton to sugar to an alcoholic. Well, right this second, I have more sympathy for the alcoholics I've known. It's FREAKING HARD not to give in to the addiction.
Monday, May 19, 2008
It's Monday, which while not usually one of my favorite days I'm pretty happy to see it.
I have had to face that weekends are a huge problem for me. My routine is out the window on weekends...and apparently, I thrive on routine. Having the family home, food that is not included on my plan, exercise seems to get pushed to the wayside...
Call me crazy, but I'm glad to see Monday where I can be in my routine and focus on what I need to do!
So, no weight loss last week (yet - last weigh in was tuesday). But, no gain either, so...I can live with that. I need to up my enthusiasim again tho, and make SURE I am getting my scheduled cardio in ALL WEEK - no slacking! I need to make sure I am tracking every bite again, cause it's soooo easy to justify in my mind "oh it's not that bad....".
Here's to Monday, rekindling the fire, being positive and PROACTIVE. This is my LIFE...this is my HEALTH..... This is my BODY -which I want to sustain me for about 60 more years. Yes, that would make me 104 at the end of that time span, but I have the genetics to do it - so why not go for it!!?? And a happy and HEALTHY 60 years is what I'd like to achieve - so here's to lighting the fire one more day....
Friday, May 16, 2008
Emotional eating has been the hallmark of my adult life. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. Deprssed? Eat more.
Facing emotions without stuffing my face is.......freaking hard. A last minute dinner out coupled with yet another phone conversation with my dad that really upset me lead me to facing a menu filled with things I don't eat anymore....and an empty heart that wanted to be filled with binging.
I didn't binge, and in fact, was totally able to stop eating when I was full. Nor, lol, did I order dessert. So it was not a disaster...but yet another wake up call to how conditioned I am to put food in my mouth in the face of having to deal with emotions.
As well, the desire for instant gratification is sure close to the surface right now too. That I've lost 12 pounds in about 2.5-3 weeks should be ENOUGH - but I found myself belittling it when a student commented I looked like I'd lost weight. I still want to wake up tomorrow and look the way I want to look.
Not going to happen. It's going to take many many more days of tracking my food, abstaining from sugar and making my body move and sweat.
I suspect this is about the point I usually give up. But, not today. Today, I'm going to track my food....journal my feelings....and move my body. Today is the most important day in the battle to end my obesity. The next meal, the next workout are all that matters.
Today, I will allow myself to be "good enough". I will allow myself to have feelings and hurt and heartache and I will FEEL them and deal with them, and not cover them up with a sugar-coated haze. I can't face the weekend, next week, next month or the rest of my life and my battle with food and laziness - but I can handle today.
I'm reminded again of seeing the trainer on BL literally scream at the guy who was sooooo freaking lazy saying "I'm resting" - "YOU'VE BEEN RESTING FOR YEARS!"
No lazy today. I have no control over tomorrow, but today? No lazy. Period.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
This a.m., when I stepped on the scale - I've lost another pound, for a total of 12 pounds.
Now wouldn't you think my reaction would be to be happy for pity's sake?
No, my reaction was....."I didn't really work very hard...." almost as if I don't DESERVE to lose a pound because I didn't kill myself doing it.
Whew. I know I'm struggling with emotions and PTSD crap - Mother's day sorta got to me this year and I've got some issues I'm working through with my dad that has triggered some depression/anxiety - but for god's sake, I don't DESERVE to lose a pound?
Hello!! Wake up call!! Danger Will Robinson! I know part of this is because I over ate during the weekend and I'm having guilt over it.
What can I be doing about this kind of twisted thinking?
1. TAKE MY MEDS...so easy to say...so easy to forget.
2. Journal - spill out all the garbage in my head onto paper so I have room for positive, happy thoughts!
3. Remind myself that even if this last pound or two seemed "easy" - it hasn't been - I've remained sugar free for two weeks, and keeping my calories in check that long is a miracle - regardless of what happens on the scale.
This is the kind of "this is too hard...I can't do it" thinking that helped get me to 250 pounds - I have to remain vigilant to not let it "get" me right back to where I was. Twelve pounds in less than three weeks is AWESOME - my last word of advice to myself is:
Get over it, move forward, appreciate yourself for what you're doing and stop beating yourself up!
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