Friday, June 27, 2008
I'm having a hard time getting back on the fitness/healthy eating horse and while I haven't weighed, my clothes are telling me I'm going the wrong way.
I'm tired. I have after-vacation letdown. My partner was put on Effexor about 4 weeks ago and apparently it did the opposite - instead of giving her better coping ability she's been in a downward spiral to almost suicidal and that has been incredibly, incredibly stressful. (At 2 weeks the doc said, oh give it some time! at 4 weeks and basically despondant the doc says, gee maybe this isn't a good antidepressant for you.... ya think?). Work has been crazy stressful.
All that has combined to leave me eating a lot of garbage and not exercising. Ways I'm going to work on fixing that:
1. Made a date to take a long (but not too hard!) hike Saturday a.m.
2. Make sure I'm getting my antidepressant/vitamins in dialy - can't cope with other stuff if I'm depressed.
3. Go shopping, there is no healthful food in the house!
4. Even if I do end up eating junk, I can make sure I get my fruits and veggies and WATER in.
5. Something is better than nothing. I can do 10 minutes of some kind of exercise - likely it would make me feel better and I'd want to do more once I started.
6. Immerse myself in SP - read articles, browse blogs for inspriation.
7. Journal my feelings rather than internalizing/eating my feelings.
8. Laugh. Read/watch something funny.
9. Do something that I find fun and relaxing - art, garden, read.
10. Get some sleep. I think that because late night has been the only time I've had to myself at all - I've been staying up later just to have some alone time. I'd do better to schedule that in and get some sleep at night!
Okay. Not quite a battle plan there...but good ways to start.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I finished my goal and competed at Bellydancer USA June 14....and placed 3rd!
I'm really, really happy with the way it turned out...I haven't competed in 15+ years, I've gained about 75 pounds since the last time I competed, and I just had no real belief I would place at all in a pro category the first time out after so many years (and pounds!).
Now....after a week of vacationing and eating what I wanted with a lot of walking but not the cardio I'd been putting in, I can see my body softening up again - er, not that I was all "ripped" or anything, but a week+ of food not on my plan and no exercise = things going the wrong way!
So I'm back to it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if it's allergies or a cold - but I'm miserable from the neck up - facial pain and throbbing, nasal drip, sore throat...ugh. But I'm trying not to let it hold me back - I have to start TODAY to work on health again.
Now I need to focus on a new goal since the competition is over....Having a big goal like that was pretty inspiring to me - so I want to do it AGAIN!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
I guess I'm dating myself with that title eh? I'm hearing Def Leppard in my dreams (and so is everyone in my family). I'm using a little over a minute of the beginning of "Pyromania" in my competition routine, tho the bulk of the routine is Erin Hamilton's TWO covers on the old Cheap Trick song, The Flame. My theme is FIRE - and that line - "it's better to burn out, than fade away" speaks volumes for me as a bellydancer, a woman over 40, and a fat chick. Going into the pro category as a "woman of size" - well it's sort of a long shot. Am I a good enough dancer? Yes, yes I am. But....then again I'm 44 years old and over 200 pounts. Not what many think of when they think "bellydancer." But you know what, I'm doing it for my students, for my "squishy" bellydance peeps - and that's what counts - regardless of how I place or don't place. I'm getting up there and DOING IT...and I'm going to keep doing what I love (dancing) regardless of my weight. This is my passion and a huge part of my life - and d*mn it, you do NOT have to be skinny to be a dancer, bellydance or other, despite America's obsession with stick people.
Last minute nerves, jitters, doubts and panic have been a rollercoaster the last week. I finally, finally! finished the costume last night. I finished the "drum solo" (Pyromania) last night. Me? Leave things till the last minute? heck - that just makes it all interesting, lol.
I debut the routine (and figure out any kinks in the routine/costume/performance areas) Saturday night in a local show. I compete a week from Saturday.
Did I lose 50 pounds or even the 20 I aimed for? Nope - but I did lose 12 and definitely gained some better cardio fitness along the way. I'm not done, I'll continue to work at losing weight, increasing my cardio fitness etc as long as I live. There is not a quick fix or we'd all be thin eh? But there is one day after another in our lives to keep working on it.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Real life" seems to be interrupting at every turn for me, one night is this and that, the next is something else. Keeping myself on track seems to take such a huge amount of diligence - and I appear to be way too easily sidetracked. Then I realized last night, wow, I'm really tired all the time. Like, go to bed and fall asleep before your head hits the pillow at 8 pm tired....huh....then finally this a.m. it clicked, I haven't been taking my vitamins. DUH. What is up with something so simple like that - that I know makes such a difference - but then I get busy or what have you and I drift off from taking them, till I'm dog tired all the time again.
I repeat, duh!
I had so much trauma/drama last week at work that I was just dreading being here. Yesterday, I realized - I need to make a change in my attitude. I need to attempt to be happy and upbeat, because apparently, I have a lot more power than I realized. I realized - my hurt and anger are materializing as being extra quiet and almost depressed, and it's affecting those I work with. Sure 'nuff, I made myself be upbeat and extra friendly, and they began to pull right out of it. Wow, pretty amazing stuff. I've been angry at my coworker's lack of maturity and "throwing me under the bus" to deflect attention from her own sh*t....but my own lack of maturity was showing when I allowed it to affect me so much that I was affecting the entire department with my own negativity.
Whew. Being human is such hard work, lol.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
One of the things my ex-husband threw at me 10 years ago when I left was "You hold a grudge! You don't forgive!" This was in response to 14 years of alcoholism. At the time, I thought, yeah right buddy because he had kept the same behavior for years and thought saying "sorry" should make it go away and be forgotten so he could do it again.
But today, I'm wondering if there isn't some truth there.
A coworker got in trouble last week and when called on the carpet for her behavior, tried to deflect attention from herself to me, but accusing me of some really not cool stuff, like well, not working! Thate she did "all" the work etc. She was sort of hateful too, saying I took tons of personal calls - the only calls I take are from the school for my asthmatic kid! anyway, she was really viscious. Luckily, I run a report weekly (i'm the supervisor) showing the workload and it clearly showed I am doing well more than my share so nothing really came of it....but...
I'm having a hard time forgiving it and letting it go. I'm feeling angry and betrayed. Talking to her is not an option, becuase HR came in and said there was to be NO discussion of last weeks issues. Period. Besides, I'm beginning to realize who she is to my face is really different to who she is behind my back and who knows what the result of bringing it up would be?
Of course some one brought donuts today, and I really wanted to just stuff one in my mouth - distract myself with food....but I didn't. In fact, when I took my break I felt so unsure I could NOT eat them, that I took a chair into one of the storerooms so I could be alone and not have to deal with the donuts.
I was so dreading coming to work, I forgot to weigh - doesn't that speak volumes?
Plan: Stay on my food Plan! NO DONUTS! NO EATING TO EASE MY FEELINGS.
20 min elliptical, no EXCUSES.
8 hours sleep.
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