Thursday, June 05, 2008
I guess I'm dating myself with that title eh? I'm hearing Def Leppard in my dreams (and so is everyone in my family). I'm using a little over a minute of the beginning of "Pyromania" in my competition routine, tho the bulk of the routine is Erin Hamilton's TWO covers on the old Cheap Trick song, The Flame. My theme is FIRE - and that line - "it's better to burn out, than fade away" speaks volumes for me as a bellydancer, a woman over 40, and a fat chick. Going into the pro category as a "woman of size" - well it's sort of a long shot. Am I a good enough dancer? Yes, yes I am. But....then again I'm 44 years old and over 200 pounts. Not what many think of when they think "bellydancer." But you know what, I'm doing it for my students, for my "squishy" bellydance peeps - and that's what counts - regardless of how I place or don't place. I'm getting up there and DOING IT...and I'm going to keep doing what I love (dancing) regardless of my weight. This is my passion and a huge part of my life - and d*mn it, you do NOT have to be skinny to be a dancer, bellydance or other, despite America's obsession with stick people.
Last minute nerves, jitters, doubts and panic have been a rollercoaster the last week. I finally, finally! finished the costume last night. I finished the "drum solo" (Pyromania) last night. Me? Leave things till the last minute? heck - that just makes it all interesting, lol.
I debut the routine (and figure out any kinks in the routine/costume/performance areas) Saturday night in a local show. I compete a week from Saturday.
Did I lose 50 pounds or even the 20 I aimed for? Nope - but I did lose 12 and definitely gained some better cardio fitness along the way. I'm not done, I'll continue to work at losing weight, increasing my cardio fitness etc as long as I live. There is not a quick fix or we'd all be thin eh? But there is one day after another in our lives to keep working on it.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Real life" seems to be interrupting at every turn for me, one night is this and that, the next is something else. Keeping myself on track seems to take such a huge amount of diligence - and I appear to be way too easily sidetracked. Then I realized last night, wow, I'm really tired all the time. Like, go to bed and fall asleep before your head hits the pillow at 8 pm tired....huh....then finally this a.m. it clicked, I haven't been taking my vitamins. DUH. What is up with something so simple like that - that I know makes such a difference - but then I get busy or what have you and I drift off from taking them, till I'm dog tired all the time again.
I repeat, duh!
I had so much trauma/drama last week at work that I was just dreading being here. Yesterday, I realized - I need to make a change in my attitude. I need to attempt to be happy and upbeat, because apparently, I have a lot more power than I realized. I realized - my hurt and anger are materializing as being extra quiet and almost depressed, and it's affecting those I work with. Sure 'nuff, I made myself be upbeat and extra friendly, and they began to pull right out of it. Wow, pretty amazing stuff. I've been angry at my coworker's lack of maturity and "throwing me under the bus" to deflect attention from her own sh*t....but my own lack of maturity was showing when I allowed it to affect me so much that I was affecting the entire department with my own negativity.
Whew. Being human is such hard work, lol.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
One of the things my ex-husband threw at me 10 years ago when I left was "You hold a grudge! You don't forgive!" This was in response to 14 years of alcoholism. At the time, I thought, yeah right buddy because he had kept the same behavior for years and thought saying "sorry" should make it go away and be forgotten so he could do it again.
But today, I'm wondering if there isn't some truth there.
A coworker got in trouble last week and when called on the carpet for her behavior, tried to deflect attention from herself to me, but accusing me of some really not cool stuff, like well, not working! Thate she did "all" the work etc. She was sort of hateful too, saying I took tons of personal calls - the only calls I take are from the school for my asthmatic kid! anyway, she was really viscious. Luckily, I run a report weekly (i'm the supervisor) showing the workload and it clearly showed I am doing well more than my share so nothing really came of it....but...
I'm having a hard time forgiving it and letting it go. I'm feeling angry and betrayed. Talking to her is not an option, becuase HR came in and said there was to be NO discussion of last weeks issues. Period. Besides, I'm beginning to realize who she is to my face is really different to who she is behind my back and who knows what the result of bringing it up would be?
Of course some one brought donuts today, and I really wanted to just stuff one in my mouth - distract myself with food....but I didn't. In fact, when I took my break I felt so unsure I could NOT eat them, that I took a chair into one of the storerooms so I could be alone and not have to deal with the donuts.
I was so dreading coming to work, I forgot to weigh - doesn't that speak volumes?
Plan: Stay on my food Plan! NO DONUTS! NO EATING TO EASE MY FEELINGS.
20 min elliptical, no EXCUSES.
8 hours sleep.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Isn't this the truth? I am reminded by this in several aspects of my life -
In dance: Maybe I don't particularly care for their style of dance, but I can appreciate their energy, their passion for the dance, their costuming, if nothing else, I can see what I don't want to do!
In the workplace: This was presented to me so clearly yesterday. There's been a VAST amount of trauma/drama at work this week, and I realized someone I liked and trusted was pretty viscous behind people's back and not trustworthy or willing to be accountable, while I realized someone I don't particularly care for at work - at least what you see is what you get with her, there is no pretence.
At home: Being a parent means modeling behavior - the good, the bad, and the ugly behaviors of being a human "bean". Seeing one of my children exhibit a behavoir I dislike, and then realizing that's because they've been watching ME do it...well, there is a lot to be learned from that!
I strayed from my eating plan yesterday. A Sonic Drive in opened here, and Jodie has been frothing at the mouth to go, lol, having missed it after moving here from the South. I made a concious decision I would go, and I would have anything I wanted on the menu. You know what? I learned two important things. One, my appetite has really diminished. Where before I could have polished off my food and half of anyone else's, I felt quite full at not even eating all of mine. Two, it didn't taste good. I don't mean the food was bad...just that I have not been eating fast food, fried food, sugary food, what have you...and it tasted...gross. Wow. That's pretty cool!
here's to a weekend of dancing, sweating, and having a little R&R.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Well, somewhat. The last three days have been one thing after another, and I wanted to just hide under the bed!
They're not all fixed, and in fact I think I have to face some icky stuff at work yet again today, but I'm feeling really motivated nonetheless!
My back is much, much better - I was able to do 10 min on the ellpitical pain free. I've managed to be binge free the last three days despite trauma/drama.
I read the profile of the gal who is going to be on Good Morning America this a.m., and was so totally inspired...she weighed about what I weigh and wow, has she DONE IT! So that really lifted my spirits - again seeing real people have success is very inspirational!
So, todays goals:
Track every bite - I've been slacking. No weight gain, but ....I've been lucky cause I haven't been tracking!
BAck on the elliptical, 20 minutes or until I feel it in my back, whichever comes first.
Water - boy is that one a hard one for me!
Lastly, and probably most important, I will speak my truth today, I will not bottle my feelings up inside and/or eat them up. I will be concious to be polite, professional, etc. I will acknowledge my own errors, but not wallow in what a terrible person I am or allow others to treat me poorly.
Here's to a much better end of the week than it started!
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