Friday, August 15, 2008
I've been off SP for a few weeks, just busy more than anything.
I'm gearing up for a very busy fall and thought it would be better to get back on the "horse" of tracking, journaling etc and set my goals NOW ...than to continue to procrastinate.
Boy, am I a procrastinator!
I'm a little overwhelmed by all I need to do and my mind sort of shuts off when I start to think about it at all...so - baby steps.
I need to plan for three workshops I am teaching.
Sept 5 - women-only dance retreat
Sept 20 - Local workshop
Sept 27 - Tacoma workshop
I need to have a routine down to perform at each event. This is anxiety producing because it is when people are really looking at you to teach elsewhere. I love teaching...and have a love/hate relationship with performing....mostly due to my weight.
We can blah blah blah about the sisterhood of dance and how we as women accept each other....and that IS true to some extent...but as an obese bellydancer, I can tell you that's not always the case - and there are those that believe if you are severely overweight you should not perform.
If I waited till I lost weight, I wouldn't be dancing now would I? But it brings up a lot of junk for me. so I procrastinate....and then panic. Trying to get out of that mode!!
I haven't stepped on the scales since early june. I'm afraid to. Tomorrow a.m. I'm just doing it - just so I can get a baseline of where I am again.
Blather blather blather. I'm back! :)
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Jodie's mammogram showed a benign fluid-filled cyst - nothing to worry about. Huge, Huge relief to say the least. Thanks for those good thoughts folks, they matter.
I should be happy as a lark today all things considered, but I seem to be in an introspective funk. My food has been so-so....my exercise has been okay.
Why isn't that good enough for me? Why does it have to be perfect or it "doesn't count"? That's ridiculous! But I find myself going there too much. I've moved my body and broken a good sweat two days in a row for decent amounts of time. Why do I so easily dismiss my efforts unless they are over-the-top excessive? I'm telling you...twisted thinking.
Note to self: Allow what you accomplish to be enough.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Today is Jodie's mammogram. She found a lump in her breast a few weeks ago. In the typical slow pace of the medical world - she was able to get an appointment a week later. After determining that yes, it should be looked at further, a mammogram was scheduled almost two weeks later. Depending on the results of the mammogram, a biopsy will or will not be scheduled - probably in a couple of weeks.
Hurry up and wait while our anxiety over it climbs to the moon.
I will not eat over this. I will not drown my stress and worry in sugar. I will let it serve as a reminder that life is very short and the bodies we have, fragile.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I finally crawled back onto the elliptical last night - 10 minutes. But during that 10 minutes, I RAN.
I have never been a runner - hated it as a kid, certainly couldn't do it as an obese adult - too painful, too humiliating.
It is a start. That all important start. I can do 10 minutes. I feel better this a.m., including feeling like I stepped up to the plate. It's pretty exhausting to constantly avoid the stuff you know you need to be doing it. Again, "just do it" rings in my ears. Why do I put it off sooooooo much?
I got the BL sculpting DVD from Netflix and I watched the inspirational stories part last night...and one woman was talking about her kids only know her as an obese woman. That hit me pretty hard. Mike is 12, and in the last 10 years, I've put on 100 pounds. He only knows me as obese.
That's pretty painful when I think about it. So I crawled up on that machine last night. I'm slammed today with work, a private student, then a troupe rehersal...but tomorrow, I am off. It is the 4th of July - and what better day to plot my independance from this obese body than the 4th of July? I plan on taking myself out of the house where I can be alone with my journal and write it out - my plan, my goals, all that. Just me and the paper, where I can't allow myself to be conveiniently distracted and not finish it.
Here's to my Independance.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
makes you crabby as h*ll. Er...something like that.
This last month or so....one thing after another, and they haven't been small things either. Yesterday, I was sooooo done.
I went home and I did...nothing. Well, I cooked dinner, but that was it. I didn't work on dance stuff, I cancelled the student I had scheduled, I didn't even exercise or feel guilty about not exercising and after dinner I said to the kids I love you, and I need some time alone and I went to my room. I read and I went to sleep early.
And today, I feel a little better. A little more together. A little more resilient. While I know exercise is really helpful to my stress level, I also just knew I needed a night off from everything.
It was a good start. I am also keeping a log for the next week on how I spend my time and I'm going to look at it and see where my time really does go. That should be pretty interresting in itself.
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