Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Most of us who are obese or who have struggled with weight loss know this drill: Fear of trying again...and failing.
In the last 10 years, how many new starts have I made? More than I can count.
Some have gone well, and I felt good about the results...some didn't get very far off the ground.
I've been pretty good at being able to pick myself up and try again...until the last couple of months. Life/work has been really, really stressful and I guess I haven't felt like I had the internal resources to weather a "failure" ("lack of perfection" is probably more like it).
I have to try again. I have to get back on the horse...find the strength within to JUST DO IT.
I am told again and again how I've motivated other women to do things they were afraid to try - through bellydance, they've changed their lives - become more confident and feel they can do anything... and they tell me I am what made the difference for them...why is it SO STINKING HARD FOR ME TO DO IT FOR MYSELF??????
I talked to my troupe last night. There are 5 of us. I outweigh them by 100 pounds easy. I stick out like the sore thumb. I told them I feel like I'm holding them back...that my weight is getting to me and I feel like I'm dragging them down.
They shook their heads and said - we don't feel that way, and we don't want you to feel that way. And...for the most part I don't...but I'm worn down from stress and depression and I want to hide.
I need to re-energize, find my passion for dance again - that has been my best motivator so far.
A year ago, I said I wanted for troupe to be invited to dance outside of town at events, and i wanted to be booked for workshops. I put it out to the troupe and I put it out to the universe. And guess what? It happened! We were invited to perform in a show on the coast this weekend and I'm being sponsorted to teach two times in September.
I got what I asked for and I think it's scared me to death.
Wow. Who needs therapy when you can blog your internal angst and come up with your own realizations, lol.