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Can you say "fear of failure"?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Most of us who are obese or who have struggled with weight loss know this drill: Fear of trying again...and failing.

In the last 10 years, how many new starts have I made? More than I can count.

Some have gone well, and I felt good about the results...some didn't get very far off the ground.

I've been pretty good at being able to pick myself up and try again...until the last couple of months. Life/work has been really, really stressful and I guess I haven't felt like I had the internal resources to weather a "failure" ("lack of perfection" is probably more like it).

I have to try again. I have to get back on the horse...find the strength within to JUST DO IT.

I am told again and again how I've motivated other women to do things they were afraid to try - through bellydance, they've changed their lives - become more confident and feel they can do anything... and they tell me I am what made the difference for them...why is it SO STINKING HARD FOR ME TO DO IT FOR MYSELF??????

I talked to my troupe last night. There are 5 of us. I outweigh them by 100 pounds easy. I stick out like the sore thumb. I told them I feel like I'm holding them back...that my weight is getting to me and I feel like I'm dragging them down.

They shook their heads and said - we don't feel that way, and we don't want you to feel that way. And...for the most part I don't...but I'm worn down from stress and depression and I want to hide.

I need to re-energize, find my passion for dance again - that has been my best motivator so far.

A year ago, I said I wanted for troupe to be invited to dance outside of town at events, and i wanted to be booked for workshops. I put it out to the troupe and I put it out to the universe. And guess what? It happened! We were invited to perform in a show on the coast this weekend and I'm being sponsorted to teach two times in September.

I got what I asked for and I think it's scared me to death.

Wow. Who needs therapy when you can blog your internal angst and come up with your own realizations, lol.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    This time will be different. This time you will lose the weight only because you want to. Not because of the way anyone else sees you.

You are going to do this because you want to be healthier.

I am here for the same reasons and this time I will not only succeed but I will never be obese again. And neither will you.


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MICHELLEG79 8/19/2008 2:17PM

    I've been there myself lately, and I know that my most happiest is when I do my workouts. I myself am trying to get back up and stop being so depressed as well. If you want something to make you happy try reading or watching "The Secret". It makes you feel really good. I watch it when I feel down. Good Luck!!!!!! Michelle

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JIBBIE49 8/19/2008 10:50AM

    Have you read the book "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY?" by Susan Jeffers? It is well worth reading.

Of course, "SHRINK YOURSELF" by ROGER GOULD, M.D. on emotional eating is also excellent. emoticon

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I don't know how to turn it around...

Monday, August 18, 2008

There is a gym opening near my house....and while part of me wants to go for it and give it a shot...there is a bigger part saying " oh you never follow through on anything, why start another attempt at weight don't stick with it".

I'm definitely in that "you always fail - why try" mode. I'm having a really hard time turning that around this time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABY_GIRL69 8/18/2008 4:15PM

    Its an every day every hour struggle but you have to put mind over matter to at least put your best foot forward! If you don't join at least get Wii Fit, Tae bo or Turbo Jam fitness joints. WE must commit & recommit, cause when the diet doesn't work, it isn't the diet, its US!! So what are you going to say to that pretty face the next time you look into the mirror? emoticon I CAN do this cause I'm worth!! emoticon



Comment edited on: 8/18/2008 4:13:27 PM

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KELLY@50 8/18/2008 11:58AM

    I'm sorry you're in such a dark place! I wish I could reach over an give you a big hug!

I don't know what to tell you that won't sound hackneyed and clichéd, but you're definitely worth it!

Maybe the convenience of the new gym will help you incorporate more exercise into your daily life - since it will be so close and easy.

Can you ask for a trial membership? How about paying weekly or monthly to start with?

Hang in there!

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Gearing up for fall

Friday, August 15, 2008

I've been off SP for a few weeks, just busy more than anything.

I'm gearing up for a very busy fall and thought it would be better to get back on the "horse" of tracking, journaling etc and set my goals NOW ...than to continue to procrastinate.

Boy, am I a procrastinator!

I'm a little overwhelmed by all I need to do and my mind sort of shuts off when I start to think about it at - baby steps.

I need to plan for three workshops I am teaching.
Sept 5 - women-only dance retreat
Sept 20 - Local workshop
Sept 27 - Tacoma workshop

I need to have a routine down to perform at each event. This is anxiety producing because it is when people are really looking at you to teach elsewhere. I love teaching...and have a love/hate relationship with performing....mostly due to my weight.

We can blah blah blah about the sisterhood of dance and how we as women accept each other....and that IS true to some extent...but as an obese bellydancer, I can tell you that's not always the case - and there are those that believe if you are severely overweight you should not perform.

If I waited till I lost weight, I wouldn't be dancing now would I? But it brings up a lot of junk for me. so I procrastinate....and then panic. Trying to get out of that mode!!

I haven't stepped on the scales since early june. I'm afraid to. Tomorrow a.m. I'm just doing it - just so I can get a baseline of where I am again.

Blather blather blather. I'm back! :)



Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Jodie's mammogram showed a benign fluid-filled cyst - nothing to worry about. Huge, Huge relief to say the least. Thanks for those good thoughts folks, they matter.

I should be happy as a lark today all things considered, but I seem to be in an introspective funk. My food has been exercise has been okay.

Why isn't that good enough for me? Why does it have to be perfect or it "doesn't count"? That's ridiculous! But I find myself going there too much. I've moved my body and broken a good sweat two days in a row for decent amounts of time. Why do I so easily dismiss my efforts unless they are over-the-top excessive? I'm telling you...twisted thinking.

Note to self: Allow what you accomplish to be enough.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMANDAHE 7/9/2008 3:29PM

  Good news about Jodie.

Try not to be so hard on yourself - two days of sweaty exercise is great work. Little steps.

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SPARKLE2011 7/8/2008 10:57PM

    I'm glad everything turned out fine with the mammogram...

Now, for you... try to remember that there is NO such thing as perfect. The journey you are on is not a black and white, all or nothing venture. Each step you make counts (forward and backward). Each step teaches you something. So, stop trying to be perfect and keep moving forward! You will get there... just keep going AND give yourself credit where credit is due!!!


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KYRRDIS 7/8/2008 4:59PM

    Many, many congratulations on the cyst being benign!

It sounds like you're hard on yourself in general. Ease up a little, and allow yourself to feel relief... maybe even a little satisfaction in your past efforts.

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SONGBUDDHA 7/8/2008 11:00AM

    First of all, congratulations that the mamm. was OK.
It makes perfect sense that your eating wouldn't be great today. Even though it was good news, the stress is still immense, and you are just beginning to let down from that. Try to realize it and make good decisions.

As a person who's thinking is also twisted in this area, I understand. I have had to make it a goal to daily try to hear the twisted thinking voice. It is just so subversive and has been part of me for such a long time that it was like my breath. I didn't have to think about it, but somehow it kept me going.

So now I am paying attention. It gets easier to recognize the twisted thinking every day. The discipline comes in when I try to counter that voice. It is SO helpful to track, because it is objective. My voice is so subjective and not based in truth even a little bit. When I have eaten on track for a week and exercised every day that voice tells me I am a fat slob why am I even pretending to care about myself.
Then I can go back to my tracking and say to myself, I have done a great job. Look at the job I've done. This voice is not accurate (I know I'm making myself sound schizophrenic and it feels like it sometimes!).

Anyway, I'm going on and on, but what you wrote resonates so much with me. Fight that twisted thinking!

And let the stress and judgements go today. For God's sake, today of all days be gentle with yourself!

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The big day, finally

Monday, July 07, 2008

Today is Jodie's mammogram. She found a lump in her breast a few weeks ago. In the typical slow pace of the medical world - she was able to get an appointment a week later. After determining that yes, it should be looked at further, a mammogram was scheduled almost two weeks later. Depending on the results of the mammogram, a biopsy will or will not be scheduled - probably in a couple of weeks.

Hurry up and wait while our anxiety over it climbs to the moon.

I will not eat over this. I will not drown my stress and worry in sugar. I will let it serve as a reminder that life is very short and the bodies we have, fragile.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 7/7/2008 2:38PM

    Best wishes for both of you. Hope all goes well.


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HUSKY__HANK 7/7/2008 1:29PM

  Sending positive thoughts your way

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