Monday, August 25, 2008
It's better to recommit and re-start than never start at all. That's what I'm telling myself today.
Today, as part of that recommittment, I stepped on the scales. I haven't weighed since June. I couldn't really keep track of the 41 pounds I want to lose as my current "major goal" without knowing where I stood on the scales...so I weighed.
I've gained back every single pound. I'm back at my highest weight - again. This isn't a huge shock - my clothes were getting tight, I didn't like the way I was looking, I've suddenly got pains in my knees - yeah it wasn't a huge shock but it was a little one. I didn't really think I'd gained it ALL back.
It definitely helped me keep my two biggest goals for the day: Eat oatmeal for breakfast and NO CALORIES FROM BEVERAGES! I've gotten into some really bad habits over the summer - like eating a big ol' fatty muffin and having a granita (frozen coffee drink) for breakfast.
So, this is Day One of my big goal to lose 41 pounds. I can't look at the other 60 or so that need to be lost. Not today. I'm sticking to my one pound a week for 41 weeks goal. If I lose more than that, hurray, if I just lose that, hurray. There are no other options. I must lose that 41 pounds for my health and for my sanity.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Most of us who are obese or who have struggled with weight loss know this drill: Fear of trying again...and failing.
In the last 10 years, how many new starts have I made? More than I can count.
Some have gone well, and I felt good about the results...some didn't get very far off the ground.
I've been pretty good at being able to pick myself up and try again...until the last couple of months. Life/work has been really, really stressful and I guess I haven't felt like I had the internal resources to weather a "failure" ("lack of perfection" is probably more like it).
I have to try again. I have to get back on the horse...find the strength within to JUST DO IT.
I am told again and again how I've motivated other women to do things they were afraid to try - through bellydance, they've changed their lives - become more confident and feel they can do anything... and they tell me I am what made the difference for them...why is it SO STINKING HARD FOR ME TO DO IT FOR MYSELF??????
I talked to my troupe last night. There are 5 of us. I outweigh them by 100 pounds easy. I stick out like the sore thumb. I told them I feel like I'm holding them back...that my weight is getting to me and I feel like I'm dragging them down.
They shook their heads and said - we don't feel that way, and we don't want you to feel that way. And...for the most part I don't...but I'm worn down from stress and depression and I want to hide.
I need to re-energize, find my passion for dance again - that has been my best motivator so far.
A year ago, I said I wanted for troupe to be invited to dance outside of town at events, and i wanted to be booked for workshops. I put it out to the troupe and I put it out to the universe. And guess what? It happened! We were invited to perform in a show on the coast this weekend and I'm being sponsorted to teach two times in September.
I got what I asked for and I think it's scared me to death.
Wow. Who needs therapy when you can blog your internal angst and come up with your own realizations, lol.
Monday, August 18, 2008
There is a gym opening near my house....and while part of me wants to go for it and give it a shot...there is a bigger part saying " oh you never follow through on anything, why start another attempt at weight loss...you don't stick with it".
I'm definitely in that "you always fail - why try" mode. I'm having a really hard time turning that around this time.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I've been off SP for a few weeks, just busy more than anything.
I'm gearing up for a very busy fall and thought it would be better to get back on the "horse" of tracking, journaling etc and set my goals NOW ...than to continue to procrastinate.
Boy, am I a procrastinator!
I'm a little overwhelmed by all I need to do and my mind sort of shuts off when I start to think about it at all...so - baby steps.
I need to plan for three workshops I am teaching.
Sept 5 - women-only dance retreat
Sept 20 - Local workshop
Sept 27 - Tacoma workshop
I need to have a routine down to perform at each event. This is anxiety producing because it is when people are really looking at you to teach elsewhere. I love teaching...and have a love/hate relationship with performing....mostly due to my weight.
We can blah blah blah about the sisterhood of dance and how we as women accept each other....and that IS true to some extent...but as an obese bellydancer, I can tell you that's not always the case - and there are those that believe if you are severely overweight you should not perform.
If I waited till I lost weight, I wouldn't be dancing now would I? But it brings up a lot of junk for me. so I procrastinate....and then panic. Trying to get out of that mode!!
I haven't stepped on the scales since early june. I'm afraid to. Tomorrow a.m. I'm just doing it - just so I can get a baseline of where I am again.
Blather blather blather. I'm back! :)
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