Thursday, October 16, 2008
When I saw the ortho doc yesterday, after looking at my films he says "How old are you again?" and I said 44. he shook his head and said, this knee looks more like a 64 year old knee than a 44 year old knee. You have pretty bad arthritis and you are almost bone-on-bone - not much cartilage left, and on top of that, yes, you have torn your meniscus. The other knee is headed in the same direction.
Then he said that while yes, ostearthritis does run in families and both my parents have it...he said - "you have to lose weight. You weight is ruining your knees. You are looking at having a knee replacement 10-15 years earlier than the average person, and I will guaruntee it is due to your weight."
Well. What do you say to that? I said...I've been trying...for a long time. And he said, you need to lose at least 20 pounds and do it NOW for that joint.
I'm scheduled for arthroscopy in a month to repair the torn meniscus. I've been overwhelmed by my weight for years...and unable to do much but lose and gain the same 5 pounds for a year. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to do this. I can't be any more clear....I know I HAVE to do this.
Self discipline. Building good habits. Loving myself enough to care for my body.
Wow. Totally overwhelming to me.
So this morning, I got up and made myself oatmeal. I've been eating a high-fat drive through breakfast - again even tho I know better. My one resolve right this minute is to go back to oatmeal. That's all i can face right this minute. The other resolve is to keep reading about osteoarthritis and keep reading everything I can on Spark - articles, blogs, team discussions...because that keeps my mind in the "be healthy zone".
I MUST refocus on my goal to lose 42 pounds by June 2009. Logging, logging and logging what I eat and do. One tiny thing at a time.
Ramble ramble ramble.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
There is nothing like feeling under appreciated, even disliked, at work.
There are many chiefs where I work - and a few indians. The chiefs all like to do it "their" way. The indians are paid well.....but rarely, if at all, told hey good job! or we appreciate what you do. Most of the time....I'm okay with it. I like my job overall, I feel like I'm helping people and I'm good at it.
The last week has been a challenge tho. The "chief" recently put over my department doesn't particularly like me, questions or criticizes everything I do, and generally thinks I'm no so great.
I know in my heart I do my best. I work hard, I'm honest and I'm good at my job. But circumstances in my personal life have left me edgy and worried all the time over money, and to feel that the person in charge of you is rather out to get you....is really unsettling.
I want to jump up and down and say I've been here twice as long as you! I've worked hard to get where I am, and I work hard every day to be an ethical, honest employee - for which I have never received a word of thanks or praise. Yes, you pay me well...but a "thanks" or a "good job" once in awhile after 10 years would go a long way too.
The Universe takes care of me every single day. Even if I lost this job today, the Universe would provide for me. I have skills and I have excellent references. I really need to let go of this feeling of insecurity...but I'm not real sure how.
On a more mundane note - I do indeed have a torn medial meniscus, chondromalacia and degenerative joint disease. I see a knee specialist tomorrow and we go from there. I'm exercising, but not losing weight, probably because of overeating due to stress. But I'm here, I'm on spark and I'm trying to get it right, one more day at a time.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Yep...I'm learning to dance Michael Jackson's Thriller. My dance troupe thought it would be fun to do it for a close-to-Halloween dance showcase we're attending. There is actually a website www.thrilltheworld.com that teaches you the dance step by step. The website is designed for breaking the world record of numbers of people dancing Thriller at the same time all over the world! Pretty amazing stuff.
No more Butte walking till I find out if I have the medial meniscus tear the doc suspects. :( I am just limiting as much lower body/weight bearing exercise (ahem, except dance) till I have the MRI and have a definitive answer. But I'm still going to the Park and rec swim center every single weekday.
I do upper body weights 2 x a week and 3 x a week I'm aqua jogging. I still get sort of hung up on the fact that the most I have is 30 minutes to work out, I have to be at work at 6 a.m. and the center doesn't open till 5:15 a.m. I know myself well, and if it doesn't happen in the am, it's not going to happen. After work I typically have students, a troupe rehersal and oh yeah, my own kids to deal with.....I am reminding myself I don't have to work out for hours every day and that 25-30 minutes is way more than what I was doing a month ago, which was nothing! This is also ensuring I'm getting my strength training in, because at home? I'm really lazy about that.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Pilot Butte is a central fixture in my town. "Walking the Butte" has been a pretty big deal the last 10 years - from older folks to teens with dogs to athletes - probably several hundred people "walk the butte" on any given day.
I've done it....oh about five years ago I did it a handful of times over a summer.
Last night - I tried it again. I think I may have made it one-third of the way up - and when I say up, I mean UP. I have no idea what the incline is, but it is climbing from the moment you set foot on the trail. It took me 15 minutes to get as far as I did, and probably half that to get back down - cause going down is waaaaay easier! I went with my 20 yo daughter who, while I was sweating bullets and huffing and puffing, remained sweat free and never had to catch her breath. She was, however, very sweet to me and said, it's okay, we'll just keep doing it and you'll get farther everytime.
I feel good about it! Today was my first morning at the gym, I only have 30 minutes - but it is sure 30 minutes I was not devoting to my health before, so 30 minutes is plenty! I did 15 cardio and the other 15 weight machines. I need some guidance on some of the machines, they are new to me, but overall felt comfortable there all things considered. There were about 20 people there at opening - and all of them were very fit with the exception of one older gent and myself. There have been times that might have put me off, but I worked on making it inspiring instead, lol. If they can do it, so can I!
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