Sunday, November 02, 2008
I am struggling with a difficult fall. Not any one thing i can pin it on....just odds and ends of "stuff" leaving me tired, unmotivated, achy etc.
I ache all the time - is it arthritis? I never knew I HAD arthritis before so I would shrug off the aches and pains, as the weather has gotten colder tho, it's almost impossible to do without tylenol. I hate taking meds so I put it off till I'm seriously hurting - probably not the best idea right now.
Some depression - missing my aunt who died this spring, old stuff. Financial stress (gee, who doesn't have THAT right now?). Just having a hard time pulling myself out of it.
Uninspired to dance, do art, do much of anything but sleep or hide in a book. I need to get motivated but all my usual ways aren't doin' the job!
Well, enough whining about what I HAVEN'T been doing! What HAVE I done? I've started the second sock of the pair I'm knitting. I have a serious problem not finishing things, so it was a pretty good deal to cast off the first sock and IMMEDIATELY cast on for the second!
I've been doing my makeup and hair every day for work. Sounds easy enough I know, but if you struggle with depression it can be a big deal, so that's a huge plus for me!
I've been getting most of my hours at work, also a big deal when you are depressed.
I'm on week 4 of a 6 week class session I'm teaching and I've made it through them so far. When I can't get excited about dance class, there's a problem. This term, just getting through it has meant success.
Okay, listing what I've done is much more helpful than listing the million things I'm not getting done or feel I stink at. sigh. I haven't worked on my goals last week or even really THOUGHT about them.
spark is a huge aide for me in goals, so I'll go back to listing them here and checking in on them.
1. Dance videos 3 x this week.
2. AT LEAST a walk 4 x this week, the gym if I can drag myself there.
3. Get my 5 fruits/veggies.
It's a start.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Yikes. Candy everywhere. Cookies, goodies...the office is FULL OF IT.
Sort of overwhelming.
Hanging in there...trying to exercise daily, and stop beating myself up that it's not enough or whatever. Food...not so much control there right now.
Stress...up. Work has been hellaciously busy...had a huge argument with my partner eariler in the week that has left home a little tense too.
But I'm here! I dragged myself out of bed and to work when all I wanted to do was hide under the covers, and I'm reading and logging in at spark and that has to be good enough for today.
If anyone reads this today and has a suggestion for a good fiction book, I could use it! I like specifically urban fantasy (vampires, etc) but I'll read almost anything...so shout out if you have a book/author recommendation! I have nothing to read and that JUST WON'T DO!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Things at work are resolving, very slowly. I still have a mountain of responsibility and little appreciation for it...but I'm supposed to be getting the training I requested and less pressure from my superiors...and we'll see how that goes.
Dance is going full swing, classes back in session, troupe gearing up for a performance in Tacoma in January, and suddenly I have three new private students who want multiple lessons a week! Whew! Be careful what you wish for, you might get it, lol!
We had this huge trauma drama thing with our car...a week of hell with the only car we have not running right and bad parts and you name it. I think, THINK, it is over.
I'm really proud of my sweetie, she did all the mechanic work herself - it was especially frustrating to be a woman who knows what she is doing be dissed at the parts store by some macho jerk tho. She said, this (brand new out of the box) alternator is bad, to have the parts guy do the "you're a woman and must not know what you are talking about". At first, he even refused to test it! Then, when he did and it tested bad...he tested it TWO MORE TIMES because he was so sure it was good and she was a dumb woman who didn't know what she was talking about. I can tell you, we will not buy even a quart of oil from that store again....he was so rude and ugly.
Exercise? Just dancing dancing dancing. The knee just aches. I have surgery in a month to fix the torn meniscus...After the recuperation time, I am hoping to get back on the weight machines etc.
Food? Let's not talk about it. Stress = more food and I've been stressed. Just trying to make healthier choices than ice cream and sugar!
Friday, October 17, 2008
What a long week. What a long couple of weeks it's been really.
Trying to do some time management, I have a lot to do and not a whole lot of time to do it in. I need to have choreography ready asap for troupe stuff, class stuff prepared etc on top of my already too busy life.
Work really cuts into my time, lol!
partner made cobbler with ice cream last night. Um, slight sabotage there eh?? Sigh.
Here's to a busy and hopefully ACTIVE weekend!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
When I saw the ortho doc yesterday, after looking at my films he says "How old are you again?" and I said 44. he shook his head and said, this knee looks more like a 64 year old knee than a 44 year old knee. You have pretty bad arthritis and you are almost bone-on-bone - not much cartilage left, and on top of that, yes, you have torn your meniscus. The other knee is headed in the same direction.
Then he said that while yes, ostearthritis does run in families and both my parents have it...he said - "you have to lose weight. You weight is ruining your knees. You are looking at having a knee replacement 10-15 years earlier than the average person, and I will guaruntee it is due to your weight."
Well. What do you say to that? I said...I've been trying...for a long time. And he said, you need to lose at least 20 pounds and do it NOW for that joint.
I'm scheduled for arthroscopy in a month to repair the torn meniscus. I've been overwhelmed by my weight for years...and unable to do much but lose and gain the same 5 pounds for a year. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to do this. I can't be any more clear....I know I HAVE to do this.
Self discipline. Building good habits. Loving myself enough to care for my body.
Wow. Totally overwhelming to me.
So this morning, I got up and made myself oatmeal. I've been eating a high-fat drive through breakfast - again even tho I know better. My one resolve right this minute is to go back to oatmeal. That's all i can face right this minute. The other resolve is to keep reading about osteoarthritis and keep reading everything I can on Spark - articles, blogs, team discussions...because that keeps my mind in the "be healthy zone".
I MUST refocus on my goal to lose 42 pounds by June 2009. Logging, logging and logging what I eat and do. One tiny thing at a time.
Ramble ramble ramble.
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