Friday, November 28, 2008
Wow, that's a pretty deep question. The obvious things come to mind....one of my children dying, a devastating terminal illness, in this economy losing my job (I'm the sole support for my family), that kinda thing. I mean...those are pretty big fears!
But when I think about this in terms of my health/weight (which since this is in response to a SP "for deeper reflection" kinda thing) - I have to say.....
ending up like my Dad.
He never took care of his health, be it due to finances or fear or both. He only got control of his weight once that I know of and that was short lived. He now MUST weigh very close to 500 pounds. He is virtually immobile due to old knee injuries he never had fixed - walking is tremendously painful and slow for him. He literally lives in his own filth, and if you have much of a "delicate nose" you can't abide to really be close to him when you are eating.
Yet he seems to see nothing wrong with the way he is "living". Occassionally, he falls into pretty deep self pity - but not about his health, more about money or not having a spouse.
THAT is my worse fear. Ending up like my Dad. Honestly, it used to be that i would turn into my mother, lol, and I don't mean that in the "usual" way all women seem to go through: My mom is severely mentally ill - untreated most of my life. I was secretly terrified I would "get" crazy like her, but after a lot of therapy and some reading and understanding about her illness - Schizoaffective disorder - I realized about 10 years ago this was not a genetic thing that was going to swoop down and get me and I'd turn crazy like my mom.
Right now, I'm pretty scared how close to my dad's situation I am! The injured knee...the weight. I don't have the "gee I'll just sit here in this filthy house in the same clothes for weeks at a time" thing my dad does, lol....but the health issues...whew. That is totally terrifying to me.
I need to continue to let that fear MOTIVATE me!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I had the meniscus repair done Monday night. The first couple of days were mostly uncomfortable rather than really painful. Biggest thing was waiting for the anesthesia to get out of my system...every time I tried to sit or stand I got an viscous headache. That finally ended yesterday. Off crutches for the most part as of yesterday, tho for any distance I think I'd want them just for the security of it.....
So, after spending the better part of the last three days in bed, my back is aching and I'm gimpy from the knee surgery. This is not how I wanted this year to end health wise...but at the same time, I certainly didn't change much did I? I did not work on self discipline and that in turn meant I wasn't consistent in my health efforts. more stop and go...stop, stop, stop some more, go a little then stop again. So here I sit....probably at the worse health I've been at in my entire life...injured...but still hopeful. I guess hope really does spring eternal, eh?
If I want to change things....I have to change things. I can't keep doing the same start/stop game and expect differences. I was pleased to note that I had lost at least 5 pounds when I went into surgery, it was a surprise and an affirmation that yes I CAN do this.
Where to start? I can't exactly run out and jump full force into a workout routine. So what CAN I do?
1 I can do the post op exercises to regain strength and range of motion in my knee.
2 I can try to get up often now that I feel better to keep my back from aching
3 I can take my vitamins, drink my water and eat healthy food
4 I can be active on spark, reading, learning, posting, planning, and giving and getting support
5 I can feed the spark of hope I still have that I CAN lose this weight and regain my health.
6 Doc said i can start bicycling as soon as I'm up to it...so i'm going to join the gym monday so i can do that.
Hope lives. I still live...and it may be damaged and suffering, but I have a body that still lives too. I want to be healthy and well and live a long productive life...not sit in bed all day weighing 500 pounds like my dad feeling sorry for myself! Here's to a new day. I can do this. I WILL do this!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I've been stopping at Safeway on my way to work every morning and picking up healthy food for my day at work.
I've gotten in the habit of a piece of fruit, a nonfat yogurt (yoplait), and a bran muffin from their bakery. When tracking, I've been struggling with the muffin. Is it like this muffin...or that muffin.
Today, there was a bakery employee out and about, so I asked, "do you by chance have nutritional info on the bakery items?" She rolled her eyes and walked me to the counter where she pulled out a gigantic binder. There were thousands of papers in there...and no organization whatsoever. She flipped through and after a few minutes managed to find the bran muffin (now I know why she rolled her eyes, lol....what a pain in the arse to flip through!) Then I looked at the nutrional info.
This is the last day of the Safeway Bran Muffin for me. 460 calories and 24 grams of fat. CRIPES! I knew the costco muffins are insane...but this is quite a lot smaller and it doesn't taste overly sweet, so I thought hey it's BRAN for gods sake, it can't be too bad!
Oh yes it can! I'm really, really glad I asked - even tho it was a pain for her to look up and she made me feel sorta bad about it.
Lastly....I've hit a point in life that is really annoying the crap out of me. I love makeup. Always loved makeup. The rule about women over 40 shouldn't wear shimmery makeup? I've always thought that was baloney. Till the last couple of weeks. My skin is drying out (winter weather) and suddenly....I'm as wrinkled as a prune. That ever-so-slightly shimmery eyeshadow is looking baaaaad. I'm realizing even my blush has just a hint of shimmer...and it's not lookin' good. Lines under my eyes. Crepey skin on and under my eyes. When did THAT happen???
matte shadow...here I come.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
My surgery has been rescheduled for Monday. This means I have to take more vacation time since recovery won't be over the weekend....but at least it is scheduled.
Despite the mondo stress of the last week, I am proud to say I have been on track every single day! My fat intake tends to run too high, but I have been in my calorie range every single day for 5 days and that is a freaking MIRACLE, so I'm happy.
Not weighing...I don't want to see it. It would just send me over the edge if I'm not losing weight and I don't need to sabotage myself.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I'm supposed to have knee surgery Friday. This was scheduled almost 6 weeks ago. At that time, they saw me and they weighed me and I weighed just at 250.
Today, four days before surgery, they call to tell me I am too heavy to have my surgery at the surgicenter, it will have to be rescheduled at the hospital because of the "increased risk due to your obesity."
Tears are simply rolling down my face..along with my mascara. They knew how much i weighed a month or more ago. I'm in pain...but suddenly today, I'm too fat to have my surgery at the surgicenter. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm discouraged beyond belief.
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