NOREGRET2010   44,789
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Facing my worst fear...

Friday, November 28, 2008

Wow, that's a pretty deep question. The obvious things come to of my children dying, a devastating terminal illness, in this economy losing my job (I'm the sole support for my family), that kinda thing. I mean...those are pretty big fears!

But when I think about this in terms of my health/weight (which since this is in response to a SP "for deeper reflection" kinda thing) - I have to say.....

ending up like my Dad.

He never took care of his health, be it due to finances or fear or both. He only got control of his weight once that I know of and that was short lived. He now MUST weigh very close to 500 pounds. He is virtually immobile due to old knee injuries he never had fixed - walking is tremendously painful and slow for him. He literally lives in his own filth, and if you have much of a "delicate nose" you can't abide to really be close to him when you are eating.

Yet he seems to see nothing wrong with the way he is "living". Occassionally, he falls into pretty deep self pity - but not about his health, more about money or not having a spouse.

THAT is my worse fear. Ending up like my Dad. Honestly, it used to be that i would turn into my mother, lol, and I don't mean that in the "usual" way all women seem to go through: My mom is severely mentally ill - untreated most of my life. I was secretly terrified I would "get" crazy like her, but after a lot of therapy and some reading and understanding about her illness - Schizoaffective disorder - I realized about 10 years ago this was not a genetic thing that was going to swoop down and get me and I'd turn crazy like my mom.

Right now, I'm pretty scared how close to my dad's situation I am! The injured knee...the weight. I don't have the "gee I'll just sit here in this filthy house in the same clothes for weeks at a time" thing my dad does, lol....but the health issues...whew. That is totally terrifying to me.

I need to continue to let that fear MOTIVATE me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 11/28/2008 11:23PM

    You won't be like your father, because you are a SPARKER. You have goals. emoticon

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LAMEXICANFEMALE 11/28/2008 12:45PM

    Thank you for sharing about your family. Do you have a relationship with your dad? Our family has been broken for all my childhood and beyond, I just wonder how other people with their families. I went to my girlfriend's family house last Thanksgiving and cried and cried because they seemed so happy.

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Knee surgery into recovery stage

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I had the meniscus repair done Monday night. The first couple of days were mostly uncomfortable rather than really painful. Biggest thing was waiting for the anesthesia to get out of my system...every time I tried to sit or stand I got an viscous headache. That finally ended yesterday. Off crutches for the most part as of yesterday, tho for any distance I think I'd want them just for the security of it.....

So, after spending the better part of the last three days in bed, my back is aching and I'm gimpy from the knee surgery. This is not how I wanted this year to end health wise...but at the same time, I certainly didn't change much did I? I did not work on self discipline and that in turn meant I wasn't consistent in my health efforts. more stop and go...stop, stop, stop some more, go a little then stop again. So here I sit....probably at the worse health I've been at in my entire life...injured...but still hopeful. I guess hope really does spring eternal, eh?

If I want to change things....I have to change things. I can't keep doing the same start/stop game and expect differences. I was pleased to note that I had lost at least 5 pounds when I went into surgery, it was a surprise and an affirmation that yes I CAN do this.

Where to start? I can't exactly run out and jump full force into a workout routine. So what CAN I do?
1 I can do the post op exercises to regain strength and range of motion in my knee.
2 I can try to get up often now that I feel better to keep my back from aching
3 I can take my vitamins, drink my water and eat healthy food
4 I can be active on spark, reading, learning, posting, planning, and giving and getting support
5 I can feed the spark of hope I still have that I CAN lose this weight and regain my health.
6 Doc said i can start bicycling as soon as I'm up to i'm going to join the gym monday so i can do that.

Hope lives. I still live...and it may be damaged and suffering, but I have a body that still lives too. I want to be healthy and well and live a long productive life...not sit in bed all day weighing 500 pounds like my dad feeling sorry for myself! Here's to a new day. I can do this. I WILL do this!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 11/28/2008 11:17PM

    Glad things went well. emoticon

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Holy Bran Muffin Batman!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I've been stopping at Safeway on my way to work every morning and picking up healthy food for my day at work.

I've gotten in the habit of a piece of fruit, a nonfat yogurt (yoplait), and a bran muffin from their bakery. When tracking, I've been struggling with the muffin. Is it like this muffin...or that muffin.

Today, there was a bakery employee out and about, so I asked, "do you by chance have nutritional info on the bakery items?" She rolled her eyes and walked me to the counter where she pulled out a gigantic binder. There were thousands of papers in there...and no organization whatsoever. She flipped through and after a few minutes managed to find the bran muffin (now I know why she rolled her eyes, lol....what a pain in the arse to flip through!) Then I looked at the nutrional info.

This is the last day of the Safeway Bran Muffin for me. 460 calories and 24 grams of fat. CRIPES! I knew the costco muffins are insane...but this is quite a lot smaller and it doesn't taste overly sweet, so I thought hey it's BRAN for gods sake, it can't be too bad!

Oh yes it can! I'm really, really glad I asked - even tho it was a pain for her to look up and she made me feel sorta bad about it.

Lastly....I've hit a point in life that is really annoying the crap out of me. I love makeup. Always loved makeup. The rule about women over 40 shouldn't wear shimmery makeup? I've always thought that was baloney. Till the last couple of weeks. My skin is drying out (winter weather) and suddenly....I'm as wrinkled as a prune. That ever-so-slightly shimmery eyeshadow is looking baaaaad. I'm realizing even my blush has just a hint of shimmer...and it's not lookin' good. Lines under my eyes. Crepey skin on and under my eyes. When did THAT happen???

matte I come.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    LOL! I guess you might as well have been having that triple chocolate chip muffin! I can't believe they made bran unhealthy. And I say keep wearing the shimmery makeup!

Comment edited on: 11/26/2008 2:08:09 AM

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JIBBIE49 11/21/2008 9:37AM

    I know this sounds awful, but, you can EAT ANYTHING as long as you don't swallow it. (I'm not talking about bulimia) Okay. That muffin isn't something you NEED. It is very high carb and very high fat. BUT, you WANT it. Well, I went through that until I was able to get over my craving. I'd take a bite, chew it, TASTE it, enjoy it, and then SPIT it out. I'd do that until I was SATISFIED and got over the craving. THEN, I didn't have my INNER BRAT belittling me and making me feel like crap. (Oh, that is a technical term for junk.) emoticon

I'd say to go to the Health Food Store and buy some Psyllium Husks for fiber. I mix my 4 tsp. in chicken broth and drink it down, as I hate it in plain water. (yuck)/ At the Health Food Store, I got some LOW-sodium bouillon and some NO-sodium (the vegetable is okay.) 4 tsp. of P.H. is 28 gm. fiber and what is required for a day.

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JADEDINVASION 11/20/2008 1:37PM

    commercially made muffins are the devil. No matter how healthy you think they may be. Evil evil evil things. I LOVE the double chocolate muffins from Costco but I'm sure those suckers are over 1000 calories!!

Anyway if you can make your own muffins it would be soooo much better for you!!

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Staying on track, despite myself

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My surgery has been rescheduled for Monday. This means I have to take more vacation time since recovery won't be over the weekend....but at least it is scheduled.

Despite the mondo stress of the last week, I am proud to say I have been on track every single day! My fat intake tends to run too high, but I have been in my calorie range every single day for 5 days and that is a freaking MIRACLE, so I'm happy.

Not weighing...I don't want to see it. It would just send me over the edge if I'm not losing weight and I don't need to sabotage myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 11/19/2008 9:02PM

    Then don't weigh if that makes you feel best. emoticon

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Being obese and the small humiliations that add up....

Monday, November 17, 2008

I'm supposed to have knee surgery Friday. This was scheduled almost 6 weeks ago. At that time, they saw me and they weighed me and I weighed just at 250.

Today, four days before surgery, they call to tell me I am too heavy to have my surgery at the surgicenter, it will have to be rescheduled at the hospital because of the "increased risk due to your obesity."

Tears are simply rolling down my face..along with my mascara. They knew how much i weighed a month or more ago. I'm in pain...but suddenly today, I'm too fat to have my surgery at the surgicenter. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm discouraged beyond belief.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUESKIESAHEAD 11/18/2008 8:06AM

  That's so rude of those doctors! They should have told you the second they weighed you, not right before your surgery. They're just trying to make you safer though, so be glad you'll be at the hospital. I think they were jerks about it though :S

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SHELIAKAYB 11/17/2008 6:30PM

  Dear Sweet Person, This also happened to me once. It is so humilating I know. Just try to think of it as a small setback to be taken care of asap. Just imagine how much more you can walk and excercise when your knee is in better shape. Good luck and good wishes to you! emoticon

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JIBBIE49 11/17/2008 2:21PM

    Hon, they SHOULD have told you that when they weighed you, but they didn't. Having worked as a nurse, I well understand WHY they want you at the hospital, as at the SC they don't have "Code" support there if something goes wrong, like they do at the hospital. Obesity is a real factor in dealing with a patient.
At least they are being considerate and not greedy about the money and keeping you there.

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