Sunday, April 12, 2009
My last post here was 1/2/09.
On 1/13/2009, my dad died.
On his death certificate were three causes of death:
1. Congestive Heart Failure.
2. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.
3. Morbid obesity.
At the time of death, I suspect he weighed over 400 pounds.
I've been dealing with the grief, the details, the probate and then began taking 8 credits this term working toward my AA transfer degree, while basically working two jobs.
I set a goal for myself - to regain my health. At the doctor's office tuesday, I weighed 244 pounds. I am 5 foot and 1/4 inch tall. I've been chronically sick all winter, with sinus infections followed by head/chest colds followed last week by an ear infecton and a sinus infection. i'm worn down.
For those who bellydance, you will understand the dance goal I've set for myself is huge - attend a 3 day level I Suhaila Salimpour workshop at the end of September, and be able to DO IT. Maybe not perfectly or even test for the level, but to be strong enough and healthy enough to get through 3 days of 8 hours of workshop.
right now, I can't get all the way through one of her fitness fusion videos.
Today, I got up and did it anyway. For those who are Christian - today is the celebration of Christ's ressurection. It seemed a fitting day to begin my own ressurection - from the death of this body and poor health into the body I was created to have and the health I deserve.
Friday, January 02, 2009
In 70 days, I will turn 45.
I have a lot of good in my life...I'm grateful for much.
My health is not where I want it to be, and certainly my weight is no where near. I can't wake up in 70 days and weigh 100 pounds less.
But I can wake up in 70 days and feel good, be healthier, and maybe just a little lighter. I have control of that in my grasp.
I'm trying really hard not to jump on the New Year's bandwagon, cause I've fallen off that ride too many times. But a 70 day marathon attempt at good eating...consistent exercise and practicing health? I think that's do able. Not even a tiny weight loss goal thrown in there. If that happens, hurrah. I'm doing it anyway. Cause I don't like the way I FEEL. I don't like the way I'm moving....like an old lady!
Here's to my 70 day adventure.
Monday, December 08, 2008
One of the things that landed me where I am today with my weight is that I allowed my emotions to control my actions. There were times I was depressed and while some of that is hard to just "get over" - I allowed the day-to-day ups and downs of my emotions to dictate what I did food and health wise.
That brings me full circle back to "just DO it". Whether I "feel" like it or not. So I made sure I had my healthy breakfast this a.m., and in fact, made better weekend choices than usual as well. Often, I just do whatever I want on the weekend - sabotaging the week's hard work!
Trying to PLAN - exercise, food. When i don't plan...well, give it up cause it won't happen. Today is just one more day in a long line of days to try to get it right. I've started it right, now I just need to continue, whether I "feel" it or not.
What do YOU do when you don't "feel" like doing your program? How do you motivate yourself and "just git 'er done"??
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I've been trying to be consistent M-F on tracking my food. Not allowing myself to say, Oh, I've blown it today, I'll stop tracking. That is a recipe for disaster for me!
Then, several times a day - usually after I've added a food item, I click on the 'see report" button at the bottom of the nutrition page and see where I am with the little circle graph that shows your fat, carbs and protiens. This is very helpful to me to see where my balance is in carbs and fat. Then pretty much daily, I check the reports tab for my nutrition...so I can see over the last 2 weeks how often I've been in range, etc.
More than anything, this helps me be concious of what I'm putting in my mouth, good or bad. At least I'm not eating blindly. It also helps me think about portion sizes. Then, if I overdid the fat one day, I tend to be more concious of it for several more days...so that helps the awareness thing too.
I did some arm weights this a.m. and yesterday took a 15 minute walk. Far, Far less than I am usually capable of...but for right now in my surgery recovery - it has to be good enough. Small and consistent has to be the way to go right now. I've also took all my medications...got 7 hours of sleep every night the last 2 weeks or so, and worked all my hours at work. Those are HUGE things for me - so I have to look at those successes and not dwell on the scale.
My life is more than what numbers roll up on the scale.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wow, that's a pretty deep question. The obvious things come to mind....one of my children dying, a devastating terminal illness, in this economy losing my job (I'm the sole support for my family), that kinda thing. I mean...those are pretty big fears!
But when I think about this in terms of my health/weight (which since this is in response to a SP "for deeper reflection" kinda thing) - I have to say.....
ending up like my Dad.
He never took care of his health, be it due to finances or fear or both. He only got control of his weight once that I know of and that was short lived. He now MUST weigh very close to 500 pounds. He is virtually immobile due to old knee injuries he never had fixed - walking is tremendously painful and slow for him. He literally lives in his own filth, and if you have much of a "delicate nose" you can't abide to really be close to him when you are eating.
Yet he seems to see nothing wrong with the way he is "living". Occassionally, he falls into pretty deep self pity - but not about his health, more about money or not having a spouse.
THAT is my worse fear. Ending up like my Dad. Honestly, it used to be that i would turn into my mother, lol, and I don't mean that in the "usual" way all women seem to go through: My mom is severely mentally ill - untreated most of my life. I was secretly terrified I would "get" crazy like her, but after a lot of therapy and some reading and understanding about her illness - Schizoaffective disorder - I realized about 10 years ago this was not a genetic thing that was going to swoop down and get me and I'd turn crazy like my mom.
Right now, I'm pretty scared how close to my dad's situation I am! The injured knee...the weight. I don't have the "gee I'll just sit here in this filthy house in the same clothes for weeks at a time" thing my dad does, lol....but the health issues...whew. That is totally terrifying to me.
I need to continue to let that fear MOTIVATE me!
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