Wednesday, December 09, 2009
I have not had a lot of training or practice at standing up for myself. It is a learning experience every time. If you don't have issues with being a tiny bit assertive, it may seem strange to you. "why don't you just ***?" Well, I came from a home with an extremely mentally ill, untreated parent. I didn't get the tools I could have used early on, and I'm still learning some of them.
Like standing up for myself.
My financial situation is pretty dire. Unemployment here is one of the top in the nation. My partner has been unemployed for quite some time and there are no jobs. My ex husband had a stroke in september and needless to say, isn't working but is in rehab trying to learn to walk and talk again, so no child support. So I am it for the support of our family of 4. It's been tight, and now my front heater in the car has gone out and I have no savings to dip into, and no one to ask for help. So I asked for a draw at work. We are allowed by our handbook to ask for a draw quarterly. I have not taken one this quarter, or last quarter for that matter.
I submitted the request via email Monday (paper trail). No response. The person whom I have to ask has a 6-figure yearly income and thinks I am well paid and shouldn't have financial problems (yes, she has told me this). Never mind she makes many times what I do and is single and I support three other people. Still, no reply to my request whatsoever.
Yes, I know she could be busy, she could have forgotten, etc. I accept that. But I also know I have a history with this person and I'm pretty darn sure she feels I just don't "need" it. In the past, I would have just held it all in and let it go and tried to survive without it. Today, I sent a politely worded email that I haven't heard back from her, this is not a frivolous request - it is 10 below here and I have no front heater! my car is icing up on the inside in less than 5 minutes on the road. I need a draw to get my car fixed, please. If I am being refused the draw, please just let me know.
I did it. I feel sort of nauseaous inside, but I did it.
Edited to add: I recieved a sharply worded email that I was rushing her - she'd been "very busy", but had now granted my draw request. It's baloney. It would have taken 5 seconds to hit reply and say she had received it etc. So...she can be pissy if she likes, but I stood up for myself and I didn't do anything wrong, period. Someday, when I'm out of school and I work my way up to making that kind of money and have that status - holding the fate of the "little people" in my hands - I will not be unkind simply because I can. Grrr.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
In the last two years I've been off SP waaaay more than I was on. I'm working on consistency and logging in daily, improving my SP friendships etc, and decided to clean house.
I had a lot of spark friends, but when I looked them up, some of them hadn't been active in a REALLY long time. I deleted them. I looked at all the teams I was on...and I only accessed a portion of them. I deleted all but six. I can't participate in more than that realistically, some had more drama than I was interested in, and I just never felt a good fit with others. So I've kept the people and the teams that supported me and/or were active and still walking their walk and talking their talk.
I need support, and I need relationship on here to make this work. If we aren't friends and you are currently looking to seriously support others and receive support in return, friend me.
A fresh start...on a freaking cold day. -12 now. Brrrrr.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Some days, I have to force myself to pay attention to what I did right as opposed to the unending list of criticisms I have for my efforts. Part of that today is posting what I'm proud of.
1) I have logged in 5 days in a row to SP.
2) I have made all my spark streak goals.
3) I have exercised every single day, even if it was "only" 20 minutes on the Wii.
4) I did not overeat today when I felt sad over my dad dying and overwhelmed by financial burdens.
5) I have given 100% at work and not slacked.
6) I did hair and makeup today, a rare feat.
7) I kept my temper when my 15 yo reminded me of exactly how smart a@@ and obnoxious teenage girls can be.
8) I studied for my pyschology final exam, but did not obsess (too much).
This is a good enough day. I did good enough. I do not have to do 200% to be worthy. I'll just keep saying that to myself until I believe it...
Monday, December 07, 2009
If you didn't read this post yet, go do it. It's okay, I'll wait for you. : www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=can
This has me so "pegged" I can't explain it. I've read it twice and I need to read and reflect on it more before I post more about it. The "clicks" and light bulbs going off in my head are pretty profound from this simple posting.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Today is my "big" exercise day - leading a 2 hour intensive bellydance class. If I taught 3x a week like this I'd have no problem getting my exercise in!
Because my stress load has been so high with working, college, dance and life in general, I took an "easy" term for college for Winter: A math class I needed, and a yoga and a water aerobics class! When I started taking night/weekend classes I didn't think into the future well. I took spring term, then summer, followed by fall...next is winter and spring...with no break. Needless to say, i am totally sick of school, the pressures of studying and working with no break. I won't skip taking summer term off again! I'm hoping this coming term with the yoga/water aerobics will help lighten the stress load and get me moving to help counter the arthritis flaring due to the weather..and get me in the habit of exercise - and caring for myself. Not so good at that, caring for myself.
So we shall see. Off to study, prep for dance class....maybe sew a bit on the christmas projects.
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