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Another 2 a.m. wakeup...

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

This is the fourth day in a row of waking up around 2-3 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep. I have a funky form of inherited insomnia - as do two of my children. It hasn't happened a lot since I started going back to school...I was too darn tired, LOL, to wake up. But I guess my stress load has it up and active again. It's something I've dealt with off and on all my life....but it's not helping right now. Tomorrow night, a sleep aid.

Turns out you don't actually "do" activity classes the first day of class in college. Who knew? You have "orientations". So I did the orientation for the yoga and water aerobics classes. That took up 4 hours last night and so I got no Wii time at all yesterday.

Work stress is up about 200% due to dysfunctional workplace garbage. I'm looking forward to work today about as much as a root canal. Again, this is the kind of stuff that fueled my emotional eating all my life, so I'm working on being proactive and really planning out my meals and snacks to avoid any kind of binge. For me, that means no "just one" piece of candy or whatever, that typically leads me right over the edge and into the abyss. I'm also planning on taking my ipod and walking during my breaks - good for stress relief.

Still waiting to hear from the property management on paying rent late. We've been very good renters for 3+ years, I don't think they'll refuse it, but .... one never knows. Probably just charge me an arm and a leg in fees.....yippee skippee.

The week hasn't started out so incredibly great, but I feel good about staying on track emotionally and food wise. Missing working out yesterday is not the end of the world and most importantly is not going to be the beginning of a big break in exercise (once I get off the habit, it's too easy to coast along and not get back on it). I will be accountable by editing this post and remarking on my workout by the end of the day!

here's to a better Tuesday than Monday was....I sure hope so anyway...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAPPY49 1/5/2010 9:22PM

    Hello to a fellow insomniac. My mind can go spinning in the middle of the night, and boom, its 3am and I am still awake. Sounds like you have a plan together to take care of other areas of your life. Emotional eating is hard, but keep up the good work, even if you trip a little, forgive yourself. In 2010 you will be thin or at least healthier. Finances alone can keep you up at night. Good Karma your way and I hope everything works out. Thanks for your blog. Here's a virtual hug for you.
emoticon emoticon

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What a day....

Monday, January 04, 2010

In my quest for a better 2010 versus the "year-from-hell" is not living up to expectations, LOL!

Financial stress has lead me to have to go "hat in hand" to the property management about paying rent late...Work has two women I supervise behaving badly to each other - can you say "passive aggressive?" Wowza. Today begins a new school term for my college classes and I'm having some angst....

This is the kind of day I've typically fallen right off the wagon and crammed sugar in my face. I've resisted that urge. If I give in to that urge every time things get stressful (in my uber stressful life)...I'm not going to have the success I want. So instead, I clipped on my pedometer and have been taking the "long" way on all my office errands, ate a very healthy lunch and made sure to bring back very healthy snacks. I also practiced my own version of meditation at lunch and feel calmer.

The day's not over...still waiting to hear from the prop management, coworkers are sniping at each other (in a very polite way of course, ARGH), and classes will be what they will be.

I am grateful I got back on the SparkPeople wagon last month, so I have the tools I need, the support I need, etc to withstand the binging that is such a habit for me.

Tonight: My first yoga class! excited, but nervous because my arthritis makes me far less flexible than I'd like. But nonetheless, I keep telling myself it will be FUN!!!

Hear that? It WILL be fun! Period. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DANARRA 1/4/2010 3:44PM

    Dude! Nothing lifts a spirit like downward dog.
Congrats on not giving in! You're my hero!

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Good riddance 2009!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

As I reflect on the New Year, I'm struck by what a totally crappy year 2009 was for me.

I lost my dad Jan 14, 2009 and the year went steadily down hill from there. While I'm grateful for my life, my family and my job....I have to say - what a messed-up year. I'll be glad to shut the door on it tonight!

I believe nothing is all bad. With reflecting on the struggles, pain and loss of 2009, I've finally been able to get excited about 2010 and the possibilities it holds. While my father's death and probate have been the most painful, stressful things I've ever faced - It made me face my health issues with no excuses. At 5' 0.5" and 250 pounds (when he died in Jan) I realized I was on the same road he was and it made me finally stop making excuses. I didn't lose a tremendous amount of weight, I'm at 237 today, but I'm moving and I'm working on it.

I went back to school starting spring term and I'm picking away at an AA degree that will transfer me to Oregon State University to pursue a psychology degree. At 2-3 classes a term, I may be 50 before i get the AA degree...but I can turn 50 and have a degree, or just turn 50. I choose the former!

I taught dance to 100+ women this year, was sponsored for three workshops, and my troupe won Belly Dancer USA for the second time in 4 years. I challenged myself and certified Level I in Suhaila's format - which for non-bellydancers is "like army bootcamp except with bellydance" LOL. All at 45 years old and morbidly obese. Wow. What could I do if I was at a healthy weight?

Goodbye 2009. Some of you sucked, and some of you was awesome. I learned a lot....but i'm really ready for 2010 and a new year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESS_IS_MO 1/1/2010 10:03AM

    Have a great new decade!

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DANARRA 12/31/2009 11:26AM

    2010 will be better. We'll make it that way. :-D

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FITKAT2010 12/31/2009 9:14AM

    I suspect there is more here than what you are sharing...even with yourself. It's in there, between the lines. I feel it actually starting to surface. Almost like a tsunami of personal awareness. Hmmm Don't throw out 2009 yet.

Our lessons are repeated until we learn that they all are a choice of love instead of fear. Choosing love is the learning of the lesson.

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JAJEKK 12/31/2009 8:17AM

    2010 is going to be a great year, I just know it! How wonderful that you are on the right track now. I love the way you put that..."I can turn 50 and have a degree, or I can just turn 50." I just got my B.S. degree at 36 and plan to go for more, but it will take another six years for what I want to do. I keep telling myself, "Six years are going to pass by either way. Might as well have a degree at the end of it." 50 is young! Good luck to you, and please keep me posted. I would love to hear about your success, and I'm always here for support if you need it!

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Unforgiving spirit

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Many moon ago, my then husband said to me after one of his alcoholic binges that I refused to sweep under the rug: "you have an unforgiving spirit." At the time, I said "you think you can say sorry and I should just forget everything that happened. Then you go and do it again and again, and over and over you say "sorry" and you think it's all over.

But from time to time throughout the years, that remark comes back to me and I examine myself again.

What brought it up today was a coworker. Last year, she was called into personnel and written up for some pretty bad behavior. Immediately going on the defensive she said well what about LISA!!! LIsa doesn't do any work "I DO ALL THE WORK!!" and blah blah blah. She tried to divert attention from her bad behavior onto me. The status reports run weekly clearly showed I do a vast MAJORITY of the work and she was full of beans, but.....It made me really angry. So I type and type....she visits with coworkers...makes personal phone calls, etc. and I get irritated all over again with "I do all the work". My supervisor knows the score - those weekly reports generated by the computer system speak loud and clear about who does the majority of work. Yet I find myself being irritated.

Having worked with this person for years, I know what saying something would bring - and believe me, it's not worth it. Most of the time, I try to just worry about myself thank you - and let other people take care of themselves and figure their bad behavior will come back on them sooner or later.

Except right now when I feel angry about it all over again. I can see it's tied to food, cause when I took my break, I ate cookies in the breakroom. When I'm not angry/upset/hurt I can say "I don't even want those cookies". When I feel bad, I suddenly realize I've eaten three cookies. Yep. I've read all those "emotional eater" articles (twice. At least twice). But what I find is that writing really helps I chose to write about it.

I'm not looking for advice on the coworker, believe me - I know the score there. I WOULD like to hear from those of you who struggle with emotional eating. What are some things that help YOU avoid/stop it? Enquiring minds want to know....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DANARRA 12/30/2009 8:11PM

    I honestly haven't found a good distractor, yet. When I'm upset I tend to eat like I'm chewing on whoever upset me. Loud, aggressive and fast.

People have recommended gum and meditation or eating vegetables instead...

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PRYDEQUEEN 12/30/2009 2:22PM

    My emotional eating comes from when I am angry or hurt as well. I try to remember to take a walk first before I grab something to put in my mouth. This usually helps. I don't have it perfected but I am doing it more often than before. the walk helps put things into perspective and to realize it is about the other person. I need to look at what the hurt is. It usually is a little deeper than the surface incident.

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What's reasonable? What's "enough"?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Again and again, I end up having to face the fact that my expectations for myself are unreasonable. I can easily be kind, forgiving and gentle to the people around me...but downright vicious to myself.

As this time of year always sparks contemplation of what's to come in the new year, I'm again looking at resolutions. Those pesky things I've tried, given up on, tried again, ad nauseum. And I've realized that still, I don't have a good grasp on what is reasonable or enough.

If it's not perfect, it's not enough for me. It's fine for you of course and very reasonable. But for me? Well I have to be 200% better than everyone else or it isn't good enough...and yes, yes I have spoken in therapy about this little issue a number of times.

So in trying to narrow down what I really want and defining what is "good enough" for me I'm looking at vague oulines right now.
1) More natural, whole food - hopefully lessening preservatives etc. This can only be good for my allergies.
2) Water.
3) Movement - reasonable amounts of exercise.

Unreasonable goals - all or nothing thinking....Need to go. I know it will take time and practice recognizing that I'm "doing it again" and finding peace with "enough". It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to get done.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JERICAJJ 12/29/2009 5:12PM

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it reminds me to be as kind, forgiving and gentle to myself as I am to the people I love (I'm a person I love, too!). Mmmm....what would it be like to set that as a goal?

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JULIETEXAS 12/29/2009 3:13PM

    I like your thoughts, I have the same all or nothing attitude as well, baby steps are better than sitting steal (or going backward).

Thanks for sharing.

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