Thursday, December 31, 2009
As I reflect on the New Year, I'm struck by what a totally crappy year 2009 was for me.
I lost my dad Jan 14, 2009 and the year went steadily down hill from there. While I'm grateful for my life, my family and my job....I have to say - what a messed-up year. I'll be glad to shut the door on it tonight!
I believe nothing is all bad. With reflecting on the struggles, pain and loss of 2009, I've finally been able to get excited about 2010 and the possibilities it holds. While my father's death and probate have been the most painful, stressful things I've ever faced - It made me face my health issues with no excuses. At 5' 0.5" and 250 pounds (when he died in Jan) I realized I was on the same road he was and it made me finally stop making excuses. I didn't lose a tremendous amount of weight, I'm at 237 today, but I'm moving and I'm working on it.
I went back to school starting spring term and I'm picking away at an AA degree that will transfer me to Oregon State University to pursue a psychology degree. At 2-3 classes a term, I may be 50 before i get the AA degree...but I can turn 50 and have a degree, or just turn 50. I choose the former!
I taught dance to 100+ women this year, was sponsored for three workshops, and my troupe won Belly Dancer USA for the second time in 4 years. I challenged myself and certified Level I in Suhaila's format - which for non-bellydancers is "like army bootcamp except with bellydance" LOL. All at 45 years old and morbidly obese. Wow. What could I do if I was at a healthy weight?
Goodbye 2009. Some of you sucked, and some of you was awesome. I learned a lot....but i'm really ready for 2010 and a new year!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Many moon ago, my then husband said to me after one of his alcoholic binges that I refused to sweep under the rug: "you have an unforgiving spirit." At the time, I said "you think you can say sorry and I should just forget everything that happened. Then you go and do it again and again, and over and over you say "sorry" and you think it's all over.
But from time to time throughout the years, that remark comes back to me and I examine myself again.
What brought it up today was a coworker. Last year, she was called into personnel and written up for some pretty bad behavior. Immediately going on the defensive she said well what about LISA!!! LIsa doesn't do any work "I DO ALL THE WORK!!" and blah blah blah. She tried to divert attention from her bad behavior onto me. The status reports run weekly clearly showed I do a vast MAJORITY of the work and she was full of beans, but.....It made me really angry. So today...as I type and type....she visits with coworkers...makes personal phone calls, etc. and I get irritated all over again with "I do all the work". My supervisor knows the score - those weekly reports generated by the computer system speak loud and clear about who does the majority of work. Yet I find myself being irritated.
Having worked with this person for years, I know what saying something would bring - and believe me, it's not worth it. Most of the time, I try to just worry about myself thank you - and let other people take care of themselves and figure their bad behavior will come back on them sooner or later.
Except right now when I feel angry about it all over again. I can see it's tied to food, cause when I took my break, I ate cookies in the breakroom. When I'm not angry/upset/hurt I can say "I don't even want those cookies". When I feel bad, I suddenly realize I've eaten three cookies. Yep. I've read all those "emotional eater" articles (twice. At least twice). But what I find is that writing really helps me...so I chose to write about it.
I'm not looking for advice on the coworker, believe me - I know the score there. I WOULD like to hear from those of you who struggle with emotional eating. What are some things that help YOU avoid/stop it? Enquiring minds want to know....
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Again and again, I end up having to face the fact that my expectations for myself are unreasonable. I can easily be kind, forgiving and gentle to the people around me...but downright vicious to myself.
As this time of year always sparks contemplation of what's to come in the new year, I'm again looking at resolutions. Those pesky things I've tried, given up on, tried again, ad nauseum. And I've realized that still, I don't have a good grasp on what is reasonable or enough.
If it's not perfect, it's not enough for me. It's fine for you of course and very reasonable. But for me? Well I have to be 200% better than everyone else or it isn't good enough...and yes, yes I have spoken in therapy about this little issue a number of times.
So in trying to narrow down what I really want and defining what is "good enough" for me I'm looking at vague oulines right now.
1) More natural, whole food - hopefully lessening preservatives etc. This can only be good for my allergies.
3) Movement - reasonable amounts of exercise.
Unreasonable goals - all or nothing thinking....Need to go. I know it will take time and practice recognizing that I'm "doing it again" and finding peace with "enough". It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to get done.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Even the media has called attention to the apparent loss of common courtesies seen around the U.S. lately.
I well remember as a teen (in the 70/80's) hearing people say things like "kids are so rude these days!"
The examples I witnessed this past weekend were interesting to me in that each one was committed by an adult - ranging from age 35 to 60s. At the movies, a group of 4 or 5 people - well dressed and all 40-50 nearly ran my daughter over pushing and shoving to get into the movie theater ahead of her. Not an excuse me, sheepish smile or anything - they just practically knocked her down, and I'm not exaggerating.
While in the movies, a man in his at least late 50's sitting next to me kept his cell phone on and answered it when it rang. He then got up, while talking on his phone, and exited the theater. It was obvious from the conversation heard this was not an emergency or even some kind of important expected call. A few minutes later, he came back and then proceeded to tell his wife quite loudly the details of the call.
Today, on my break I decided to use the Jamba Juice gift card I got and get a (small!) Jamba Juice. A car pulled up quite shortly after me, and I got out. A 30+ woman and her teenage daughter got out, then RAN to get to the store ahead of me and nearly knocked me down pushing past me as I was going in the door.
At the grocery store, an elderly man was gingerly pushing his cart into the icy parking lot and a woman at least in her 40's was so zealous to get an open parking spot, she nearly ran him over - again, I'm not exaggerating.
These aren't 13 year old kids with no sense - these are ADULTS. In each case, apparently well-heeled adults at that. I'm obviously so annoyed, I had to write about it! Manners ARE dying in America - but obviously it's not the fault of the youth of today, though just like any group, they have their moments too.
I'm not impressed, but I'm also not a fan of being obnoxious about it either - making loud remarks about how rude other people seems rude to me too, lol! So I'm reaching out and writing here. If everyone who reads this thought about their actions and took a moment and talked to 2 other people about how rude people are becoming, could we make a difference? Obviously, courtesy still needs to be taught in the home to children....but just as obviously, some adults have discarded it. What do YOU think? Enquiring minds want to know...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
This has been a very successful month on SP for me, without doubt the most successful probably since I started back in '06. I've been working on consistency and my spark streaks are pleasing me - not perfect, but reasonable.
i've had to face how much I've avoided exercise in the past. I'm grateful for the Wii - it's fun and motivating (I'm apparently a gold star kinda person, makes me work harder). The points keep me motivated and I like seeing high consistency percentages. I realized I did more exercise minutes in December.....than I tracked all year long. That's sad. I DID exercise, I was just off spark or too lazy - and again, the consistency suffered.
Looking to 2010 - the year of no regret - I'm wondering what a good goal would be for exercise and what other streaks or fast breaks to add in. I need to be wary, because I'm unfortunately one of those people who put too much on their list, can't do it, and stop doing anything!
Also looking at my food - still no decisions there. My allergies have gotten worse and worse this year, in no small part I'm sure to the crap I've stuffed in my body for years. I do think I can start trying to focus on fruits/veggies/water.
We'll see. 2010 and no regrets. Because I really DO hate the pain of regret. The pain of self discipline is much more satisfying!
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