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A few more weeks, and a break

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I decided yesterday to break from college classes for spring and summer terms. I'm so overdone, yesterday the smallest thing sent me into tears. Decided that was it, with my work as busy as it is for the next two months or so, I can't face going into another term. I'll get through this one and take a break till fall.

Frankly, it's a relief to have made the decision. I will have time to contemplate do I really want to change my major or am I just burned out and not seeing straight?

Trying to focus on nutrition - wow, is that a hard one for me. I want what I want...and to combat the fatigue and stress, i usually want sugar. So being aware of what I am stuffing into my face, what is NOT getting stuffed into my face, vitamins and nutrients...quite the eye opener.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIEIRENE 2/9/2010 10:56AM

    This sounds like a wise decision given everything on your plate. I'm glad to hear you are feeling the gift of some space for yourself!!!!

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"Take it easy.....take it eaaaaaaaaaaasy...don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you craaaaz

Saturday, February 06, 2010

This was a really really long week. I have to work again today, 11-5. I will have worked a 48 hour week by 5 pm.

Not so conducive to stress reduction, aye? BUT i've been working on it.

Things I'm proud of:
1. Contracting with a student who is also a massage therapist to trade out massage for dance class. I now will have roughly 3 massages a month.
2. I slept more. instead of jumping out of bed the minute I woke up to hit the books or do laundry, I evaluated if I had time for more sleep and if I did, i took it.
3. I said no. I turned down a couple opportunities and I cancelled a meeting. Responsible to the very end...I never say no and I never cancel. Well, I realized how done I was and I did both.
4. I took my whole lunch hour 4 out of 5 days and sat in silence reading a book. As an introvert who is way too overscheduled and rarely alone, this was golden.
5. I sat with my thoughts. This is not easy. As a child abuse survivor, in order to survive, I learned to clamp down on painful thoughts and shove them in a box and lock them up. As an adult, I learned to do that AND be a super over achiever. In the end, it's not serving me so well. So when some memories came along, flashbacks started...I sat with them. i looked at them. I worked on holding no judgement of myself ("i should have done this. I caused this by...") I just watched them, felt them, and then said, okay that's enough for today.
6. I practiced deep breathing every chance i got.

yesterday i was pretty fried by stress, even tho I had done those things. Today, I don't feel too bad at all, and that's the kicker. those things did make a difference. So I'm going to keep working on my stress ..... and not letting the sound of my own wheels make me crazy....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIEIRENE 2/7/2010 7:04PM

    I think your list of things to be proud of is absolutely AMAZING. I am so proud of you for everything listed, and for recognizing that they are definitely deserving of a sense of pride. Many of these things can be very hard to do, and they are so important for your growth and well-being. Keep giving yourself those gifts - you absolutely deserve it!

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    It sounds like you really have a plan that's working for you. Good for you for making it, recognizing how much it's helping and commiting to stick to it!!!

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PRYDEQUEEN 2/6/2010 11:51AM

    Sounds like you are taking care of you!

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Blue monday

Monday, February 01, 2010

I had a great whole day off, which is good - cause I have to work 6 days, teach dance the 7th and work 5 more after that.

Plugged in the Wii and got on. Up 2.9 pounds. Hmm.

So, in the last month, I've added a new regular exercise (1 hour of water aerobics 2x a week), I teach 5 hours of dance a week....and i gain 2.9 pounds. I also added fruit daily and stopped drinking Dutch Freezes cold turkey. Did I binge? Eat out every day? have other coffee's, candy, ice cream?

yes and no. My eating wasn't great, but it wasn't BAD either. I had a couple of scoops of ice cream a week. when i wanted it, I took a small prep bowl and put in a scoop (no added sugar even) and was actually - gasp - satisfied with that. I didn't have it every day. I had some jamba juice smoothies, which I'm very aware are high calorie, and I did stop having the biggest one down to the smaller size about half way through the month. I had a couple small white mochas over the month, maybe 3 tops. I had some fast food. yep i did. Not a lot, but at least 1 x a week.

No the eating wasn't the pigfest i used to indulge in, but it wasn't terribly "clean" either.

so again, I'm wondering about the cortisol/adrenal thing. I recognize weight loss is a long and arduous task - but this isn't really adding up for me. a lot of work, with not much weight loss. DOES it have to be perfect? i used to say no...small changes blah blah...but my own small changes aren't cutting it. I've had blood work done (not for high cortisol/adrenal tho) - I'm "within normal ranges" on my thyroid etc.

so i look at other factors. I look back to a therapist appointment when she said "ummmm Lisa, I'm a little worried about you working full time, teaching dance, going to college, having a family, grieving your dad, dealing with your "therapy stuff" AND trying to lose weight. This seems like an awful lot."

i poo poo'd her. Maybe I shouldn't have.

now, this doesn't mean I regret my efforts of the last year, hey I lost 20 pounds (depending on what day it is, LOL). I feel better. I'm committed to getting healthy. I don't want to be crippled by my own body weight as my dad was. i want to live a long, healthy, active life!

So I'm not giving up here. i'm just...contemplating. thinking. Wondering. Spilling my guts.

how much is stress affecting me? is it (in the form of adrenal failure) quietly killing me? In the words of my therapist, "What can you let go of to not be busy 24/7, 365? Something has to go lisa, and i don't want it to be your health or your mental health".

Again, i am really aware that not taking summer term off from college was a mistake. A BIG mistake. I'm on my 5th term in a row, and one more term before summer break. However, enrollment is so high here that if I am not enrolled, i will likelhy NOT get the classes I need when i go back, so taking spring AND summer off is not an option. if I'm not enrolled spring, I can't early register for fall, and I may not GET registered, the college is THAT full.

so, more to think about.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRYDEQUEEN 2/1/2010 10:08AM

    Wow! You are amazing! It is important to find some quiet time. Start with 10 minutes each day and see if that helps. Take care of you!

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JULIEIRENE 2/1/2010 9:57AM

    Hey You! You should be proud of yourself, too! It sounds like you have managed a very full plate and made a lot of positive progress as well over the past month! Even if the scale reads higher, you have clearly gone back and detailed several instances where you have chosen the healthier option! That is something to applaud yourself for!
Maybe, if you are looking for something that seems a little more manageable, you should take the scale out of the equation for awhile and set a few small "streak" goals to focus on instead. You can continue making progress toward better health and fee successful at some manageable goals and then continue to build on that as a few other things in your life hopefully become a little easier to manage as well.
No matter what, don't give up on yourself! You are amazing and beautiful, and I'm proud of you!

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Rolling with it

Friday, January 29, 2010

I had great plans this term: Get my first math class over with and 2 PE classes.

Then, someone was let go at work and I've been working weekends and will be working at least every other weekend for the next three months. That's the straw that's breaking this camel's back. I didn't have much wiggle room in the first place....working overtime all the time? I can't do it all, so I dropped the yoga class.

While i hated DOING the yoga, i liked how I was feeling after doing it. I would have dropped the water aerobics, but i do that with my partner and it's an important relationship thing for us. With both of us going to school - we don't see much of each other and doing the class together is good for our health and our relationship. As well, having to be at the yoga class 2 nights a week was the kicker - so it went. I will add yoga back in when work is stable and I'm not overcommitted.

While I know I couldn't keep up anymore - all I wanted to do last week was cry! - i still feel bad about having to drop the class. That's my perfectionism raising it's nasty head. Dropping the class does not equal failure, it constitutes a change in plans...and that's not failure. That's what I'm working on coming to grips with.

haven't had time to start up the wii and check my weight. While i realize it's probably not perfect, it is what I've been checking with for a while now and i don't want to change that up, lol I feel better, and in the end that is more important that what the scale says.

yesterday, my first case to type turned out to be the autopsy of someone I used to know. I didn't know him well, but I knew him and we would chat in the store, that kind of thing. i may have gone to his house a time or two for a BBQ or something 20 years ago. But it was again a reality check. Life is short. it is what I make of it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAPPY49 1/29/2010 8:42PM

    You did a good thing, re-evaluating what your needs were and what is important in your life. Water aerobics sounds like fun. Good luck with all the things going on in your life. It can be tough. Have a good weekend.

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JULIEIRENE 1/29/2010 10:47AM

    I have always struggled with perfectionism - particularly in how to balance life and prioritize without feeling like I've given up on something else when I'm really allowing myself to gain more peace. It's tough. Reading this let's me know I'm not alone in that battle!

Life is indeed short, and I am proud of you for looking for ways to make the most of it even when work seems overwhelming. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be patient with and kind to yourself!


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SWTRGRL 1/29/2010 10:39AM

    Oh- young lady - I've been there. Dropping a (college class $$$) because work became too much of a commitment, etc. And, I understand the "perfectionism" ... it stings, eh?

Sucks about your first autopsy case being someone you were acquainted with.

Take care of yourself!

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PRYDEQUEEN 1/29/2010 9:51AM

    It sounds as though you are taking care of YOU which may be a new habit. Congratulations!

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You know you have waaaaayyyy too much going on when...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I share this story for all the 40+ year old women out there who are juggling way too much. More than one job, maybe some college classes, etc. on top of family and who knows what else? Women who don't get enough sleep, who have unending demands on their time and energy.

I ran to the women's room. Before I left I washed my hands carefullly. I checked my makeup and complained internally that suddenly my T-zone is like an oil slick. What's that about?

I walked out and another women immediately walked in. As soon as she shut the door, I had the over-riding feeling of panic that maybe I didn't flush.

It's such an auto-pilot kinda thing, I'm sure I did....except, I can't REMEMBER doing it. Completely mortified, I returned to my desk and could feel my face turning beet red.

The mortified part of me considered running up to the woman and saying "gee, I have a lot on my mind, if I didn't flush...I usually do! Really! I do!!" Of course, that would only make me look freaking I won't do it...tho the mortified part of me says "you have to do something!!"

See what happens when you don't get enough sleep and are overdone all the time, lol?

Hope this gives someone a chuckle...I can almost laugh about it...uh, almost. Sheesh.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIEIRENE 1/28/2010 3:11PM

    I couldn't help myself from chuckling! Oh, I adore the absolute candor!!! You are SO not alone, and I haven't even hit my 40's yet! I think this will ring true for so many women, and get us all smiling together at the same time! emoticon

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