Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Universe has been shaking my tree about accountability to myself. I'm over responsible in other areas of my life - work, relationship etc...but when it comes to myself, I don't have the accountability thing goin' on.
What's that about? Probably, my therapist would say something along the lines of I value other people and other committments, but I don't value myself the same way. Likely true. Lob in some fear of success in there....and I make myself indispensable to others...and leave myself in the dust.
I'm exercising like crazy, but unwilling/unable/uninterested in dealing with my food. I KNOW intellectually it is a two-faceted deal .... but I'm not doing it.
Why am I unwilling to be accountable to myself for my health? How can i change that? My mind is swirling with it this a.m.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Every fat woman dreads hearing that. I heard it this a.m., not worded quite that way. Someone commented on the video I posted on youtube and mentioned, "wow, how great to see someone dancing so far along in their pregnancy!"
Argh. It was a nice comment all together, but as i'm not pregnant I just deleted it.
If I'd thought of begging off the zumba fundraiser a friend invited me to today, that comment certainly squashed any thoughts of cancelling! I'm hoping I enjoy it - it's a fitness marathon of classes all for $10 to benefit Haiti. The zumba part is 2 hours long, I'm shooting for one hour...or as long as I can do it, LOL.
Tests next week for adrenal problems and hormones...and regardless of what they say, I'm working on well-rounded health - fitness, nutrition, sleep, and relaxation.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm great at follow through for work. Pretty good in other areas.
Really crappy when it comes to myself.
A year ago, a student paid for me to have a consultation with a naturopath. The naturopath suggested testing for excess cortisol and said I fit that profile to a T. I promptly made myself much too busy to follow through. Lots of stuff is behind that for me...one of them a fear that the tests will say there's nothing wrong with me.
I have a pretty valid reason for that - I've had issues the last 25 years. I go in for testing to conventional western medicine, and am told I'm "within normal limits" and that's it for them. The test says I'm okay, so I'm okay. For example, in my late 20's, I started having extended periods. Like....48 days of period. Then it would stop for about 10 days...and start again.
I went to the doctor, who said "oh there must be a problem!" Took tests, all "within normal limits" and the doc said, "oh look, no problem!"
Okay. 48 days of period may not be a problem for him, but it sure was for me! But I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know about eastern medicine at that point and so I just suffered.
Same when I couldn't lose weight. When I would try, I could lose about 20 pounds and then it would stop, regardless of how hard I continued to try. They tested me for thyroid. Again, "within normal limits" and they were done.
So, that's behind my fear of "there's nothing wrong!"
yesterday, I had a huge wake up call. Not the first about my health for sure, but pretty freaking dramatic.
I was at water aerobics, and having a really great workout. I was in to it! I felt like I was working and it felt GREAT!
Suddenly, my air just....shut off. I have asthma and it is exercise/stress induced, but it usually is very mild. Before this happened, I had no tightness in my chest or any indication, just BAM - no air in, no air out.
I was almost literally in the middle of the pool. I was having an airway spasm..not air in, no air out. Obviously couldn't touch bottom, but couldn't touch sides either...and I could. Not. Breathe.
I can honestly say it was one of the few times in my life I've felt true terror. After probably 30-40 seconds the spasm passed and I began coughing violently and wheezing. Literally, as I am floating in the pool unable to breathe, do you know what went through my mind? Did my life flash before me? No, all I could think was "the lifeguards are all skinny high school boys...how the h*ll are they going to get 230 pound me out of the pool?" On top of not being able to breathe, I can say that was a really scary thought.
I paddled to the edge of the pool and hacked/wheezed for a good 5 minutes. Someone loaned me their inhaler. I dragged myself out of the pool.
Today, I'm calling for the tests suggested by the naturopath. If it comes up "within normal limits" - I don't know what my next step is, but for now - this is the first step.
I don't ever want to feel that way again - that my weight could prevent me from being rescued when drowing in the pool. Realistically, yes I realize they are all trained, there are many there, I would not have drowned. But in that 30-40 seconds? Never wanna do that again. period.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
So, my mixed level class performed at a show locally over the weekend. I've embedded the clip. It's a leap for me to post it...because for one, i effed it up, LOL, and for two....wow I look like a hippo. No - I'm not being mean to myself so no one start on that....it's just in costume? well, at just over 5 feet tall and 230 pounds....the belly has to go somewhere and it just juts right out there. It is encouragement for me to keep working on it every time I see it, believe me. But I talk about if I waited to dance, i'd miss out on so much - all those women on the stage there, they're my friends. I have great relationships and that is a fabulous reward for putting yourself out there whether you are thin, fat or inbetween. the mess up on my part is hysterical because...um i wrote the choreography. i spent 8 weeks teaching it to those fabulous ladies. and I messed up! School and work have been kicking my butt and dance took a back seat. Oh, well - I'll live. :)
Lastly, let me say they had zumba perform before us..and holy cow that looked like the most fun ever! I'm gonna try it!
So for your edification, LOL, here it is:
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I decided yesterday to break from college classes for spring and summer terms. I'm so overdone, yesterday the smallest thing sent me into tears. Decided that was it, with my work as busy as it is for the next two months or so, I can't face going into another term. I'll get through this one and take a break till fall.
Frankly, it's a relief to have made the decision. I will have time to contemplate do I really want to change my major or am I just burned out and not seeing straight?
Trying to focus on nutrition - wow, is that a hard one for me. I want what I want...and to combat the fatigue and stress, i usually want sugar. So being aware of what I am stuffing into my face, what is NOT getting stuffed into my face, vitamins and nutrients...quite the eye opener.
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