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Accountability

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Universe has been shaking my tree about accountability to myself. I'm over responsible in other areas of my life - work, relationship etc...but when it comes to myself, I don't have the accountability thing goin' on.

What's that about? Probably, my therapist would say something along the lines of I value other people and other committments, but I don't value myself the same way. Likely true. Lob in some fear of success in there....and I make myself indispensable to others...and leave myself in the dust.

I'm exercising like crazy, but unwilling/unable/uninterested in dealing with my food. I KNOW intellectually it is a two-faceted deal .... but I'm not doing it.

Why am I unwilling to be accountable to myself for my health? How can i change that? My mind is swirling with it this a.m.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLUTTER-BY)L( 2/23/2010 9:42AM

    Wow I could have written this. I have decided that it is time to be accountable to myself and see what happens. Remind yourself how strong you are and just do it.

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FITKAT2010 2/23/2010 9:34AM

    Self-punishment.

If you want further insight SparkMail me. I don't return to blogs once I post, so if you respond to this here, I won't see it.

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NOREGRET2010 2/23/2010 9:08AM

    Hmmm interesting point katzlaf....maybe I am so deeply accountable to others because I won't be to myself. Now there's a spin I hadn't considered!

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KATZLAF 2/23/2010 9:00AM

    I find it hard to be accountable to myself too so I make myself be accountable to others emoticon

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NOREGRET2010 2/23/2010 8:58AM

    Thanks for commenting RWF2001 - oh yeah, I definitely am an emotional eater! I used to binge eat...that's not so much the problem problem now.

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RWF2001 2/23/2010 8:45AM

    hi... i am not a therapist but could u be an "emotional" eater?

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"How far along ARE you?"

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Every fat woman dreads hearing that. I heard it this a.m., not worded quite that way. Someone commented on the video I posted on youtube and mentioned, "wow, how great to see someone dancing so far along in their pregnancy!"

Argh. It was a nice comment all together, but as i'm not pregnant I just deleted it.

If I'd thought of begging off the zumba fundraiser a friend invited me to today, that comment certainly squashed any thoughts of cancelling! I'm hoping I enjoy it - it's a fitness marathon of classes all for $10 to benefit Haiti. The zumba part is 2 hours long, I'm shooting for one hour...or as long as I can do it, LOL.

Tests next week for adrenal problems and hormones...and regardless of what they say, I'm working on well-rounded health - fitness, nutrition, sleep, and relaxation.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIFROMWYOMING 2/21/2010 9:04PM

    Ditto the others comments. I would automatically wonder if the person posting was just trying to be mean...because it is such a very inappropriate post to make to ANYONE. Congrats on putting things aside and staying on track. YOU know you're doing what needs to be done!

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LILYGAL 2/21/2010 8:51PM

    The comment was totally inappropriate. Especially when you do not know the person. You are doing fantastic and don't let any one tell you otherwise!!!

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FITKAT2010 2/21/2010 7:46PM

    It isn't so much what was said (which was not appropriate), but how you experienced what was said.

YOU know you are doing fantastic. That is the important part. Give yourself a hug from me and move it baby! Shake up the world!

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SASKATIA 2/21/2010 3:06PM

  Yeah, that's not exactly an intelligent comment unless you know the person is pregnant.

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Following through

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm great at follow through for work. Pretty good in other areas.

Really crappy when it comes to myself.

A year ago, a student paid for me to have a consultation with a naturopath. The naturopath suggested testing for excess cortisol and said I fit that profile to a T. I promptly made myself much too busy to follow through. Lots of stuff is behind that for me...one of them a fear that the tests will say there's nothing wrong with me.

I have a pretty valid reason for that - I've had issues the last 25 years. I go in for testing to conventional western medicine, and am told I'm "within normal limits" and that's it for them. The test says I'm okay, so I'm okay. For example, in my late 20's, I started having extended periods. Like....48 days of period. Then it would stop for about 10 days...and start again.

I went to the doctor, who said "oh there must be a problem!" Took tests, all "within normal limits" and the doc said, "oh look, no problem!"

Okay. 48 days of period may not be a problem for him, but it sure was for me! But I didn't know where else to go. I didn't know about eastern medicine at that point and so I just suffered.

Same when I couldn't lose weight. When I would try, I could lose about 20 pounds and then it would stop, regardless of how hard I continued to try. They tested me for thyroid. Again, "within normal limits" and they were done.

So, that's behind my fear of "there's nothing wrong!"

yesterday, I had a huge wake up call. Not the first about my health for sure, but pretty freaking dramatic.

I was at water aerobics, and having a really great workout. I was in to it! I felt like I was working and it felt GREAT!

Suddenly, my air just....shut off. I have asthma and it is exercise/stress induced, but it usually is very mild. Before this happened, I had no tightness in my chest or any indication, just BAM - no air in, no air out.

I was almost literally in the middle of the pool. I was having an airway spasm..not air in, no air out. Obviously couldn't touch bottom, but couldn't touch sides either...and I could. Not. Breathe.

I can honestly say it was one of the few times in my life I've felt true terror. After probably 30-40 seconds the spasm passed and I began coughing violently and wheezing. Literally, as I am floating in the pool unable to breathe, do you know what went through my mind? Did my life flash before me? No, all I could think was "the lifeguards are all skinny high school boys...how the h*ll are they going to get 230 pound me out of the pool?" On top of not being able to breathe, I can say that was a really scary thought.

I paddled to the edge of the pool and hacked/wheezed for a good 5 minutes. Someone loaned me their inhaler. I dragged myself out of the pool.

Today, I'm calling for the tests suggested by the naturopath. If it comes up "within normal limits" - I don't know what my next step is, but for now - this is the first step.

I don't ever want to feel that way again - that my weight could prevent me from being rescued when drowing in the pool. Realistically, yes I realize they are all trained, there are many there, I would not have drowned. But in that 30-40 seconds? Never wanna do that again. period.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

A_BELLE 2/18/2010 4:15PM

    Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you are OK. Not being able to breathe and drowning are my 2 biggest fears in life. seriously. I am soooo sorry you had to go thru that. Please keep us updated on your tests.

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JULIEIRENE 2/17/2010 10:42AM

    Wow, I can not even imagine that terror. I am so glad you made it through and are okay! emoticon I'm also glad to hear you're going to follow through with this naturopath. I think the holistic approach will bring you some elements missing in western medicine, and I'll be focusing some hopes and best wishes toward that for you! Definitely follow-through on taking care of ourselves is a huge challenge - especially for women I think! I'm proud of you for taking that step even if it is scary. Keep us posted!

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belly dancing....with a belly....

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

So, my mixed level class performed at a show locally over the weekend. I've embedded the clip. It's a leap for me to post it...because for one, i effed it up, LOL, and for two....wow I look like a hippo. No - I'm not being mean to myself so no one start on that....it's just in costume? well, at just over 5 feet tall and 230 pounds....the belly has to go somewhere and it just juts right out there. It is encouragement for me to keep working on it every time I see it, believe me. But I talk about if I waited to dance, i'd miss out on so much - all those women on the stage there, they're my friends. I have great relationships and that is a fabulous reward for putting yourself out there whether you are thin, fat or inbetween. the mess up on my part is hysterical because...um i wrote the choreography. i spent 8 weeks teaching it to those fabulous ladies. and I messed up! School and work have been kicking my butt and dance took a back seat. Oh, well - I'll live. :)

Lastly, let me say they had zumba perform before us..and holy cow that looked like the most fun ever! I'm gonna try it!

So for your edification, LOL, here it is:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zdJfZwd8n0

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHEALUNA 2/23/2010 8:56AM

    Awesome! Thanks for this post! I just took up belly dancing again myself and LOVE it! Such a great workout and so empowering.

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IKNOWITSFORREAL 2/16/2010 7:06PM

    That was a great performance! And I must say, all the "larger" ladies certainly move as well as, if not better than, the slimmer ones - and everybody up there is so graceful and sultry!

What a wonderful video, thank you for sharing it with us!

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JULIEIRENE 2/16/2010 6:48PM

    I LOVE It! Thanks for posting the video! Oh, it made me want to take a bellydancing class again. What a beautiful thing for you all to take to the stage and entertain so many! Great work!

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TAPPY49 2/16/2010 1:38PM

    Loved, loved your performance. I recently started to take a belly dancing class and it is not easy. You guys all looked spectacular. You should be proud. I didn't see where you messed up, but since you know your routine, you were more aware. Keep up the good work. It was very entertaining.
emoticon

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JOY_IS_LOSING 2/16/2010 10:01AM

    OMG! I watched the whole thing - that looks like fun! You all looked emoticon and you had the guts to go out there! emoticon

Keep it up,
~Joy emoticon

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SHIMMYHIP 2/16/2010 9:06AM

    I would like to say emoticon on the performing. I bellydance too and am a big girl. you are way more brave than me. I don't think I could show a clip of me dancing. Anyhow just wanted to say RIGHT ON SISTER!!!!! I'm right there with ya.

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A few more weeks, and a break

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I decided yesterday to break from college classes for spring and summer terms. I'm so overdone, yesterday the smallest thing sent me into tears. Decided that was it, with my work as busy as it is for the next two months or so, I can't face going into another term. I'll get through this one and take a break till fall.

Frankly, it's a relief to have made the decision. I will have time to contemplate do I really want to change my major or am I just burned out and not seeing straight?

Trying to focus on nutrition - wow, is that a hard one for me. I want what I want...and to combat the fatigue and stress, i usually want sugar. So being aware of what I am stuffing into my face, what is NOT getting stuffed into my face, vitamins and nutrients...quite the eye opener.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIEIRENE 2/9/2010 10:56AM

    This sounds like a wise decision given everything on your plate. I'm glad to hear you are feeling the gift of some space for yourself!!!!

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