Monday, March 08, 2010
Back to thoughts on consistency for my birthday month of March.
With the recent trauma/drama, I've not had the time I wanted to think about this.
I've looked back at my fitness reports. I had a huge improvement in my cardio minutes over this last term of school, thanks to water aerobics. Because i was so freaking busy all the time, it really felt like I was working out several times a week...but in reality, my consistency was 3x a week. Now, i'm going to take a moment and savor that success. it WAS a success - Consistent, 60 minutes a pop, toning and resistance built right in since it was in the pool...and super soft on my arthritic knees. I have to slam in another 7 classes in the next two weeks for a decent grade, and then it's done, but all in all? A great success.
Now that i've savored that moment - on to what i'd like to do differently. Water aerobics was easy on my joints, i did it with my partner and that was relationship building, and I feel good about those things. I don't think it helped my stamina per se for dance, as it's not weight bearing and I suspect it didn't get my heart rate up enough for me to have weight loss benefits from it. Doesn't mean it was a bad or useless thing, just an awareness that for ME, it wasn't enough to truly burn calories much OR help me to dance stronger, longer.
Once March 19 rolls past and I've completed the class requirments, i've decided to do zumba. It's fun and dance oriented AND I have friends who go. It will be easier to stay on track and committed when friends are meeting me there, etc. I am quite positive it will help with stamina for dance, since the little intro class I took kicked my heinie, LOL. Thus, calories will be burned. The struggle with this will be cost - when I took water aerobics, I could use financial aid to fund my 10 weeks of water aerobics AND get a grade. Sweet, eh? Now, since I am taking spring and summer term off, there will be no financial aid. Classes run $7 a pop or I can buy a prepaid punch card...or a month at a time for the community rec center. none of those are freakishly high, but it will be money i have to pull from somewhere.
that leads me into my next consistency item, breakfast. How are breakfast and paying for my Zumba related? Well, I've gotten into the very bad habit of convenience - going through drive through for an oatmeal at Starbucks or getting one at jamba. Now, the oatmeal is a great choice - but it's pretty ridiculous to pay $2.49 to $2.99 for a little cup of oatmeal. I had a gift card I used at Jamba, but that's all gone now. So, I went to the store and purchased my favorite brand of steel cut oats and some dried fruit. I'll fix my breakfast before I go and save myself that $2.50-$3 a day and that will go into my zumba fund. By the time I'm able to start zumba, I'll have around $30 saved and will not feel guilty about doing the Zumba thing, AND I will have had a great start to the day with my oatmeal.
Lastly, the most immediate thing I am working on is WATER. I am sooo bad about that. so, chug a lug my friends, drink that water!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
This is probably a little intense for the causal reader who wants to hear about weight loss only. This relates to my weight as an underlying cause, but it concerns family problems and unpleasantness. Stop now if you prefer not to read it. That simple. I've kept it pretty PC - but there are issues touched on that could make the casual reader uncomfortable. if that's you, click away and have a nice day.
I did not come from a healthy home. My mom was mentally ill and untreated and it just wasn't a pretty picture.
The exposure to that made me want to do things very differently in my own adult life and as a parent.
I'm not a perfect person, or a perfect parent. No one is. We hopefully do our best, learn from our mistakes and grow.
Often people say "well, your parents did their best, you have to forgive them and move on". I believe to a high extent that's true. For me, my mom refused treatment for her schizophrenia and refused to take responsibility for her mistakes - her response to literally everything is "it's not my fault". There can't be much reconciliation when someone refuses all responsibility for their actions.
I realized a long time ago, what I needed from my mom was for her to just say "Look I blew it - I made mistakes. I'm sorry". She was never capable of saying that. I didn't need her to make it up to me, or do some radical thing...I just needed her to admit she'd blown it and say she was sorry. Because she refused treatment for her mental illness, she could never come to that place and later succumbed to dementia.
I'll never hear it from her - I'll never hear she's sorry, and while I won't go into detail here, I'm not sweating the small stuff here, I suffered horrific physical, mental and sexual abuse at her hands. I'm not angry because she didn't get me the equivalent of a cell phone in the 70s. I'm angry because she abused me, she allowed others to abuse me, and she never acknowledged her responsibilty for that. Unfortunately, in trying to not be my mother, in some respects i swung too far in the other direction - taking responsibility for everyone and everything - can you say "codependant"? It's only through a lot of work that I've come to a more realistic center - understanding I'm not responsible for everyone, that they make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. i can't rescue them. I can give them a hand if they ask for it, but they have to be responsible for their own choices and actions.
So I wanted to be a very differnt mom than the one I had. I've tried hard to be the best parent I could, I've done a lot of therapy, and I've never hesitated to say what I never heard from my own mom "I blew it, I'm sorry".
My oldest daughter and I have had a rocky relationship since she hit puberty. Strong willed in the extreme - she took a path of drugs/alcohol and sex in her teens, caused a lot of discord in the home where I had three other children to raise, took off in her middle teens and never looked back really. Did I make mistakes? yes I did. I also did the best i could to change the problems that were coming from me and when she came home I got her into inpatient rehab, and have stood firmly behind her whether she had the time of day for me or not. She calls me when she needs something, usually money, but that's about it. she comes on the holidays and eats and leaves.
This week, she interfered in a pretty destructive way in my parenting of the two children left in the home. I'm pretty done with her. I can't express how painful that is - this is my child, and yet, I'm so angry and hurt, I don't want to even try to have relationship with her. The ball is in her court. If she wants relationship with me, she'll have to do the work of it - because i can't hold up the bridge by myself any more. I need to step back and let her go, and hope that she decides she wants relationship with me.
I've cried and I've ranted and raved to my therapist...but i haven't eaten over this. It's not over by a long shot, but so far, I've kept sane through the pain and not turned to my drug - food.
Life is about relationship. Our relationship with our parents is a key factor in our development. I'm only just learning how the relationship with our adult children affects us. There are no perfect families, no perfect moms - but there is still room to grow, eh? Hopefully for me and for my daughter.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I have four children. Four bright, beautiful amazing children, 24- 14.
The oldest has always been headstrong. Thinks she knows it all, pretty much. Our relationship has been rocky since the day she turned 12. Tonight, she hurt me so deeply i don't know how it can be fixed.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
you know, overall, my experience has been that the internet does not necessarily bring out the best in people. The ability to be snarky and mean and have little consequence is just often not a good thing.
I've been on a number of message boards - everything from knitters to lesbians to bellydancers and most recent, a cosmetics fan kind of message board. Until Sparkpeople...I was usually flat annoyed right off them by rudenss, generally unnecessary unkindness and ugliness.
I like makeup! I have since I was 13. It's art to me, it's fun, etc. I don't take it terribly serious, but I enjoy it so I thought the cosmetics thing would be a great fit.
not so. Can you remember those snarky, mean girls from junior high? they apparently all subscribe to makeup alley now, LOL. Wow the general meaness, cliquish attitudes and rudeness are incredible.
I thought You know this just isn't worth it. These things never work for me.
Except for spark people. Yes, I've had a few snarky remarks made, but overall, this site has been a shining beacon of kind, funny, smart, caring people reaching out and being there when you need them.
Thank you. Every single one of you. Thank you. So, so what if the makeup girls are mean to me, LOL. I don't need them. I got you. And you're better. So there.
Monday, March 01, 2010
March is my birthday. I'll be 46. I thought, what can I do to celebrate my birthday month in a way geared toward health? I decided it would be working on consistency - my biggest (well, one of) struggle in health.
I reviewed my exercise logs/reports and while I've added a huge amount of exercise since january compared to the months before, consistency isn't always seen there. I've done better in caring for my skin...but consistency would be an improvement there too....along with taking my vitamins and meds...eating 5 fruits/veggies etc.
Just came up with this plan this a.m, so it's not fully formed yet, but I'll be blogging about consistency (ahem, and making consistent blogging a priority too, LOL) this month.
What are YOU working on this month, eh??
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