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Family Ties

Thursday, March 04, 2010

This is probably a little intense for the causal reader who wants to hear about weight loss only. This relates to my weight as an underlying cause, but it concerns family problems and unpleasantness. Stop now if you prefer not to read it. That simple. I've kept it pretty PC - but there are issues touched on that could make the casual reader uncomfortable. if that's you, click away and have a nice day.

I did not come from a healthy home. My mom was mentally ill and untreated and it just wasn't a pretty picture.

The exposure to that made me want to do things very differently in my own adult life and as a parent.

I'm not a perfect person, or a perfect parent. No one is. We hopefully do our best, learn from our mistakes and grow.

Often people say "well, your parents did their best, you have to forgive them and move on". I believe to a high extent that's true. For me, my mom refused treatment for her schizophrenia and refused to take responsibility for her mistakes - her response to literally everything is "it's not my fault". There can't be much reconciliation when someone refuses all responsibility for their actions.

I realized a long time ago, what I needed from my mom was for her to just say "Look I blew it - I made mistakes. I'm sorry". She was never capable of saying that. I didn't need her to make it up to me, or do some radical thing...I just needed her to admit she'd blown it and say she was sorry. Because she refused treatment for her mental illness, she could never come to that place and later succumbed to dementia.

I'll never hear it from her - I'll never hear she's sorry, and while I won't go into detail here, I'm not sweating the small stuff here, I suffered horrific physical, mental and sexual abuse at her hands. I'm not angry because she didn't get me the equivalent of a cell phone in the 70s. I'm angry because she abused me, she allowed others to abuse me, and she never acknowledged her responsibilty for that. Unfortunately, in trying to not be my mother, in some respects i swung too far in the other direction - taking responsibility for everyone and everything - can you say "codependant"? It's only through a lot of work that I've come to a more realistic center - understanding I'm not responsible for everyone, that they make their own decisions and suffer their own consequences. i can't rescue them. I can give them a hand if they ask for it, but they have to be responsible for their own choices and actions.


So I wanted to be a very differnt mom than the one I had. I've tried hard to be the best parent I could, I've done a lot of therapy, and I've never hesitated to say what I never heard from my own mom "I blew it, I'm sorry".

My oldest daughter and I have had a rocky relationship since she hit puberty. Strong willed in the extreme - she took a path of drugs/alcohol and sex in her teens, caused a lot of discord in the home where I had three other children to raise, took off in her middle teens and never looked back really. Did I make mistakes? yes I did. I also did the best i could to change the problems that were coming from me and when she came home I got her into inpatient rehab, and have stood firmly behind her whether she had the time of day for me or not. She calls me when she needs something, usually money, but that's about it. she comes on the holidays and eats and leaves.

This week, she interfered in a pretty destructive way in my parenting of the two children left in the home. I'm pretty done with her. I can't express how painful that is - this is my child, and yet, I'm so angry and hurt, I don't want to even try to have relationship with her. The ball is in her court. If she wants relationship with me, she'll have to do the work of it - because i can't hold up the bridge by myself any more. I need to step back and let her go, and hope that she decides she wants relationship with me.

I've cried and I've ranted and raved to my therapist...but i haven't eaten over this. It's not over by a long shot, but so far, I've kept sane through the pain and not turned to my drug - food.

Life is about relationship. Our relationship with our parents is a key factor in our development. I'm only just learning how the relationship with our adult children affects us. There are no perfect families, no perfect moms - but there is still room to grow, eh? Hopefully for me and for my daughter.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULIEIRENE 3/4/2010 11:00AM

    This is a really beautifully vulnerable and strong entry. I am so proud of you for all the work you have done and continue to do, and I am especially proud of you for still managing to find some positives in terms of your own progress and some room for self-love and forgiveness. Having loved ones who are addicts is incredibly difficult and the hurt that can result is immense. Just know that you are loved and cared for. emoticon emoticon

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A_BELLE 3/4/2010 10:46AM

    That is VERY powerful stuff and I thank you for sharing. I don't have any advice, and i don't think you are looking for any, but it sounds like you truly are doing a great job and are doing your very best for all involved. Good for you for taking care of yourself as well, because you deserve it! I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.

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MOONWILLOW1010 3/4/2010 9:48AM

    That was powerful. You obviously must be in a lot of pain, but I hope that you continue to heal from your past and continue to be strong in resisting your drug of choice; food! Don't give up on yourself!

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PRYDEQUEEN 3/4/2010 9:44AM

    Take of care of you as well!

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For this you gave me stretch marks?

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I have four children. Four bright, beautiful amazing children, 24- 14.

The oldest has always been headstrong. Thinks she knows it all, pretty much. Our relationship has been rocky since the day she turned 12. Tonight, she hurt me so deeply i don't know how it can be fixed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IFDEEVARUNS2 3/3/2010 3:22PM

    I could have written that first sentence, JULIREIRENE! Maybe it's just daughters and mothers, I don't know. In the last six months of her life, my mother inadvertently hurt me time and again.

Even terrible hurt can be overcome in time. Be patient, and be open, once the hurt has faded a bit. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. emoticon emoticon

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JULIEIRENE 3/3/2010 2:53PM

    I am an oldest child and my mom & I have had a rocky relationship for years. I recently hurt her badly but I don't know how else we could have had the conversation we needed to have. Ironically, she is also an oldest daughter and struggles with her own mother. It took my grandmother nearly dying for them to find a way to resolve some things. I don't know what it is about oldest daughters and our mothers, but I think it's a tough relationship. Either way, I wish you much healing and wish I had something more to offer. emoticon emoticon

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Ohhhh yeah. Now I remember!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

you know, overall, my experience has been that the internet does not necessarily bring out the best in people. The ability to be snarky and mean and have little consequence is just often not a good thing.

I've been on a number of message boards - everything from knitters to lesbians to bellydancers and most recent, a cosmetics fan kind of message board. Until Sparkpeople...I was usually flat annoyed right off them by rudenss, generally unnecessary unkindness and ugliness.

I like makeup! I have since I was 13. It's art to me, it's fun, etc. I don't take it terribly serious, but I enjoy it so I thought the cosmetics thing would be a great fit.

not so. Can you remember those snarky, mean girls from junior high? they apparently all subscribe to makeup alley now, LOL. Wow the general meaness, cliquish attitudes and rudeness are incredible.

I thought You know this just isn't worth it. These things never work for me.

Except for spark people. Yes, I've had a few snarky remarks made, but overall, this site has been a shining beacon of kind, funny, smart, caring people reaching out and being there when you need them.

Thank you. Every single one of you. Thank you. So, so what if the makeup girls are mean to me, LOL. I don't need them. I got you. And you're better. So there.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_TRI_IT 3/4/2010 12:08PM

    I completely agree with you about SP! Every once in a while I see a comment that perhaps is not very nice, but really, this place is filled with people who support, encourage, understand, listen etc... We are fortunate, no??

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A_BELLE 3/2/2010 2:29PM

    We ARE better! :) Hehehehe. We love you too!

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JULIEIRENE 3/2/2010 11:22AM

    That's right, girl! :) I love make-up too, but I stay away from a lot of social sites just for that reason. I love the positive energy overall at SP! Glad you're here!

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March - A month dedicated to consistency

Monday, March 01, 2010

March is my birthday. I'll be 46. I thought, what can I do to celebrate my birthday month in a way geared toward health? I decided it would be working on consistency - my biggest (well, one of) struggle in health.

I reviewed my exercise logs/reports and while I've added a huge amount of exercise since january compared to the months before, consistency isn't always seen there. I've done better in caring for my skin...but consistency would be an improvement there too....along with taking my vitamins and meds...eating 5 fruits/veggies etc.

Just came up with this plan this a.m, so it's not fully formed yet, but I'll be blogging about consistency (ahem, and making consistent blogging a priority too, LOL) this month.

What are YOU working on this month, eh??

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POOHBELLY 3/1/2010 1:43PM

    Happy March Bday (my daughter's gonna be 14 this March...ouch!) Consistancy is a GREAT thing to work on. I know, cause I'm working on that too. I've chosen two "MUST DO" goals that are challenging, but doable, but consistancy is required. Wishing you much success! emoticon

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JULIEIRENE 3/1/2010 10:38AM

    Happy B'Earthday Month! How exciting!

I think a month dedicated to consistency is a great gift to give yourself. I look forward to hearing your progress!

For March, I am re-starting the C25K program in hopes of meeting my goal of jogging a 5K sometime this year. Wish me luck!

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PRYDEQUEEN 3/1/2010 9:52AM

    Sounds like a perfect birthday gift! One that will keep on giving!

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PRYDEQUEEN 3/1/2010 9:52AM

    Sounds like a perfect birthday gift! One that will keep on giving!

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SATURDAY63 3/1/2010 9:10AM

    What a great birthday goal!! I'm working on consistency also..being consistent at staying in calorie range and consistent in exercising. Good luck!!!

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Why I blog

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I blog on sparkpeople mostly as a journaling tool. Writing helps me work through my junk - however, I know from 40 years experience, I'm not good at doing it on paper. This really works for me and that's a big part of why I do it.

I also have freedom here - I've specifically not "friended" anyone I know in the real world on SP so that I have the freedom to write what I need to write for me, without worrying I might hurt someone's feelings in the real world.

There are many reasons to blog on spark people just as there are many different kinds of people on sparkpeople. Some people use it as a vent - a place to stomp their feet and vent their emotions. Some use it as a model - they blog how they want it to be, and that is a tool they use to help "make it so". Some blog as a way to be heard. Some blog because they need attention. Some blog their weaknesses, some their strengths. Some blog their day to day life in detail, some simply blog what they ate or what they did.

We are drawn to people by what they blog and sometimes we are put off by people by what they blog! Some comment...some don't.

The point of all this is, I write for me. That I've met some really great people on SP by blogging is like the cherry on top! I've met people who inspire me and I've subscribed to their blogs and their thinking has given me "food" for thought. I've had thoughtful comments, sympathetic comments and rude/mean comments.

Still...I do this to work through my junk. Why do YOU blog? Enquiring minds must know....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHEALUNA 2/24/2010 1:44PM

    Despite being a writer, I find that writing my thoughts on real paper in a journal somewhere that no one will ever read is not only unfulfilling, but useless. I find that blogging actually forces me to put what I'm thinking and feeling into a somewhat semi-coherent format since at some point someone, somewhere might actually read the thing. Making it coherent and concise for someone else helps make it clearer in my own mind. Working out my junk, as you say. But also, I admit I love the feed back. Feedback is not only encouraging, but it keeps me accountable as long as I commit to being honest within my blog (which I am). I don't know you in real life, I've just met you on here, but I know that if I blog that I am under the weather so not working out, you will send me well wishes. If I blog that I'm not working out because I'm being a lazy git, you will probably send me a quick kick up the backside! lol And if nothing else, it's good practice. The more I write, the better I get. emoticon

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JULIEIRENE 2/24/2010 1:11PM

    Great question!!!! I think I blog for a lot of the reasons you listed. It's mostly for me, but sometimes to share with others. I know know that your blog is always one of those "cherries on top" for me, so thank you. Even though I know you write for you, I always learn something and I enjoy being part of that supportive process & community here at SP. So glad we're SparkFriends! :)

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DARKANGELKISS88 2/24/2010 11:07AM

    Blogs are amazing! i write my own journal at home on paper, but sometimes the big stuff gets passed. I write big accomplishments in blogs. I don't do it for attention but it's nice when others leave feedback. I'm glad you blog too :)

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